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11yaoyao
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-7-12 02:47:15 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

8、"It is often necessary, even desirable, for political leaders to withhold information from the public."

（和我新东方书上的题号不一样呢,书上的是232,害我在网上通用题库里"查找"才找到,原来差这么多呢>_<原谅我,又开始罗嗦了……大半夜的……）

提纲：

P1立场：领袖们应该对大众隐瞒一些特殊的或者是至关重要的消息

P2 （DEVELPMENT 1）：+ 国家要富强要靠AUGHORITY，所谓为了国家富强应该包容（隐瞒）POLITICAL LEADERS的一些小错误，保证他们的权威。

P3（DEVELPMENT 2）：+ 对公众隐瞒部分至关重要的信息可以避免动乱或者保护国家机密。

P4（DEVELPMENT3）：- 虽然要隐瞒，但是有时候也不能隐瞒

P5（CONCLUSION）：问题考虑要全面，多数时候要隐瞒。

写在前面：
字数：690

我个人的一些看法，大人们多帮忙，我自己觉得P2的论点不够精细，太长，但是不说这么多又说不明白……大人们出出主意怎么改……还有，我一边写一边肝儿颤，总觉得有点跑题……

正文：

Since democracy was introduced to the whole world, people have become more and more conscious about the transparency of information. Consequently, some holds the opinion that political leaders should not withhold any information from the public, but before we take it for granted, we have to examine its feasibility and possibility, and it is undeniable that preserving some special or crucial information through political power is profitable.

As it is known to all, authority is the promise of prosperous prospect and permanent propulsion of a country. So first of all, in order to realize this goal, political leaders should keep a decent image in front of the public, which would largely require a modest preservation of some special or personal information. Thus they could gain respect as well as trust from people in order to retain authority concerning public benefits. When stuffs of the White House knew president Roosevelt's lover Lucy, although some of them considered it as a windfall to repudiate his control, most people felt like concealing it in front of mass media, in the light of Roosevelt's ability to overcome the Great Depression. It is true that democracy requires transparent information, but it is unpractical to impeach an excellent leader who might save the country simply because of some personal flaws. In ancient Greece, polis was so well-developed a social organization that everyone had the right to know their political leaders fully and thoroughly. However, just on account of this system, some intelligent leaders could not bring their outstanding ability into full play, because as soon as people found their leaders' flaws, they could deny his authority, which was disadvantageous to their polis, and with a number of superior leaders being overturned, polis became weaker and weaker and finally decayed. It also happened in Soviet Union, after the Purge, many splendid political leaders were killed because of personal flaws, and it was a great pity for USSR losing those intellectuals.

Further more, it is quite necessary to keep some crucial information from the public in order to avoid disturbances or protect national profits. Until now, some information about the Water Gate Case is still under control just considering unnecessary troubles, and no country will open its top military or political secrets through media, for they never want to share those information with others. One may argue that crucial information must be reported to all in case of danger, such as Sars, so as to call all possible forces into action to withstand the uncontrollable fact. Nevertheless, as long as the whole event can be in the control of government, it will be more beneficial to conceal rather than revealing it, as we all know the funny result of the FTAA conference in Canada a few years ago: People supporting Anti-globalization marching on the street said that only because their opinion was reported by government as not right, they had to "show their anger". So we could see a lot people using Japanese camera or wearing French clothes shouting and dancing on the street. In fact, if Canadian government did not reported the opposite opinion publicly to show their justice and correctness, maybe there would have not be such an event.

On the other hand, although in the cases above they can withhold information from people even with public support, there is a rightful limit. Extreme control of information causes troubles as well. It will help a political leader escapes public scrutiny, and dereliction or corruption may occur. Aside from it, if the whole matter is vital and dangerous, such as the Asian flu, it is better to inform rather than obscuring the fact.

If all special or personal information about a political leader are open to all, there will be unnecessary problems; if some crucial information is open to all, there will be unimaginable disturbances or national losses. However, we also cannot be too extreme. Therefore, while we judge whether information should or should not be publicized, we have to consider it in an all-around way, and most of the time, it is valuable for officials to withhold some information from people.

谢谢大家，第一篇啊，真不容易……写了两个小时……才写成这个残疾样……

[ Last edited by 11yaoyao on 2005-7-12 at 11:52 ]

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runningpiggy
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沙发

发表于 2005-7-12 03:12:24 |只看该作者

占个座哈。。。。明早起来看。。。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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11yaoyao
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板凳

发表于 2005-7-12 07:31:14 |只看该作者

Originally posted by runningpiggy at 2005-7-12 03:12
占个座哈。。。。明早起来看。。。

:p先谢个

那,你睡的也不早啊;P

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11yaoyao
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地板

发表于 2005-7-12 08:47:27 |只看该作者

别沉哪……:(

非要打广告才有人理么……:confused:

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11yaoyao
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5楼

发表于 2005-7-12 09:20:24 |只看该作者

要疯了,都是看客么

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6楼

发表于 2005-7-12 09:27:09 |只看该作者

我今天早上改了5篇了,头有点昏,昨天三点才睡,我下午一定帮你改,不要着急哦,我说到做到

人生有些决定是大胆的，但是那并不代表这些决定是错误的。

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11yaoyao
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7楼

发表于 2005-7-12 09:28:14 |只看该作者

Originally posted by lingli_xiaoai at 2005-7-12 09:27
我今天早上改了5篇了,头有点昏,昨天三点才睡,我下午一定帮你改,不要着急哦,我说到做到

:hug:谢谢小哀,辛苦的说,要早点睡哦

:kiss::p

[ Last edited by 11yaoyao on 2005-7-12 at 09:30 ]

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8楼

发表于 2005-7-12 12:09:33 |只看该作者

呃。。。不好意思。。。。睡得晚了。。。。。。这就帮你看看。。

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9楼

发表于 2005-7-12 13:18:41 |只看该作者

Since democracy was introduced to the whole world, people have become more and more[不太好的用法.....换个increasingly楼主觉得怎样......] conscious about the transparency of information. Consequently, some holds the opinion that political leaders should not withhold any information from the public, but before we take it for granted, we have to examine its feasibility and possibility,[这句子太长了.....看得人郁闷.....在这个地方止住.....然后加个After a careful scrunity......去掉后面那个and......楼主觉得如何.....] and it is undeniable that preserving some special or crucial information through political power is profitable.[不错的开篇......]

As it is known to all, authority is the promise of prosperous prospect and permanent propulsion of a country. So first of all,[这像口语....把so改成别的一些什么therefore之类的会好一些......] in order to realize this goal, political leaders should keep a decent image in front of the public, which would[我觉得不需要这个would] largely require a modest preservation of some special or personal information. Thus they could gain respect as well as trust from people in order to retain authority concerning public benefits.[要说image跟authority有关的话.....这里并不充分.....需要更多的论证.......比如说一下没有image的leader会怎样......或者好的image会怎么样帮助到leader......另外......这句话跟前面用thus连接.....但我没读出它们之间有什么因果关系......] When stuffs of the White House knew president Roosevelt's lover Lucy, although some of them considered it as a windfall to repudiate his control, most people felt like concealing it in front of mass media, in the light of Roosevelt's ability to overcome the Great Depression. It is true that democracy requires transparent information, but[but这样的小词别多用.....会让人觉得你这个人的词汇很一般.......还有很多nevertheless.....however.....nonetheless....whereas之类的让你选择呢.....] it is unpractical to impeach an excellent leader who might save the country[这个定从有点confusing.....最好去掉......] simply because of some personal flaws. In ancient Greece, polis was so well-developed a social organization that everyone had the right to know their political leaders fully and thoroughly. However, just on account of this system, some intelligent leaders could not bring their outstanding ability into full play,[这句话读着怪怪的.....能说bring sth into full play的么......可能是我孤陋寡闻吧.....] because as soon as people found their leaders' flaws, they could deny his authority, which was disadvantageous to their polis, and with a number of superior leaders being overturned, polis became weaker and weaker and finally decayed. It also happened in Soviet Union, after the Purge, many splendid political leaders were killed because of personal flaws, and it was a great pity for USSR losing those intellectuals.[好多例子哦.....可是楼主有没想过......很多很多的例子还不如说一个例子然后好好的阐明这个例子是怎么支撑自己的观点的.....因为在我看来.....这几个例子都只是一个正面两个反面的说明这个问题......可是都比较缺乏足够的论述......特别是后面的两个例子.....另外就是这段里的主要要论述的问题是authority跟image的关系......但是并没有说清楚authority为什么是好的leader的前提......而要说清楚这个问题才能跟论题挂上钩.......还有就是句子的问题.....yy(呵呵.....这样称呼你没问题吧......)的句子都好长哦......但适当的长短结合才是王道......]

Further more[这是一个词.....furthermore], it is quite necessary to keep some crucial information from the public in order to avoid disturbances or protect national profits. Until now, some information about the Water Gate Case is still under control just[用due to之类的就好.....just太口语化......当然如果改成due to那后面的considering也改成the consideration of就好了......] considering unnecessary troubles, and no country will open its top military or political secrets through media, for they never want to share those information with others. One may argue that crucial information must be reported to all in case of danger, such as Sars,[应该四个字母都大写.....] so as to call all possible forces into action to withstand the uncontrollable fact. Nevertheless, as long as the whole event can be in the control of government, it will be more beneficial to conceal rather than revealing it, as we all know the funny result of the FTAA conference in Canada a few years ago: People supporting Anti-globalization marching on the street said that only[这个地方用just会比较好....] because their opinion was reported by government as not right[想不到别的词了么.....not right实在是有点烂哦.....], they had to "show their anger". So we could see a lot people using Japanese camera or wearing French clothes shouting and dancing on the street. In fact, if Canadian government did not reported the opposite opinion publicly to show their justice and correctness, maybe[用maybe不好.....感觉你自己心里都没底似的......用个语气强一点的词.....加强自己的论证.....] there would have not be such an event.[突兀的结尾.....这一段通篇存在一个问题.....就是withhold vital information会profitable.....但是文章中只是堆砌了很多例子......而没有很好的论述这个问题.....我给你提个建议怎么论述这个问题.....先把profitable分成不同的层面.....political.....economical.....military......然后分别说明withhold crucial information对各个方面有什么benefit......最后告诉大家.....这几个方面的好处足以证明这样做是beneficial的......例子分别安插到每个层面上.....如果还想结合一下论题.....还能在后面说说因为beneficial所以leader们应该这么做......当然....我不建议这么写.....因为在没有讨论这么做的缺点的时候不应该下结论......]

On the other hand, although[多次出现同样的词并不好.....像although这样的词应该多积累些能换着用的.....像albeit.....even if.....even though之类的.....] in the cases above they can withhold information from people even with public support, there is a rightful limit. Extreme control of information causes troubles as well. It will help a political leader escapes public scrutiny, and dereliction or corruption may occur. Aside from it, if the whole matter is vital and dangerous, such as the Asian flu,[这个是什么东西....亚洲发烧......没听过.....跟SARS有啥区别......这么写有点自相矛盾哦.......] it is better to inform rather than obscuring the fact.[这段就不说了.....太短没什么逻辑可言......]

If all special or personal information about a political leader are[is] open to all, there will be unnecessary problems; if some crucial information is open to all, there will be unimaginable disturbances or national losses.[虽然跟前面有照应.....可是没能排比起来真是可惜.....] However, we also[多余的..] cannot be too extreme. Therefore, while we judge whether information should or should not be publicized, we have to consider it in an all-around way, and [in]most of the time, it is valuable for officials to withhold some information from people.

总的来说......还不错的一篇文章.....优点.....例子充分......长句用的很好.....缺点.....逻辑性不强......看完没有被你说服了的感觉......主要体现在结构性不强和例子的不充分利用......建议......好好总结文章结构.....整篇文章的结构和段落内部的结构......搭好框架才好往里面放东西嘛......句子长短结合......背一些好句式.....文章里虽然长句很多.....但是让人印象深刻的句式像什么倒装排比虚拟之类的没有......还要加强......

最后就是.....没吃中饭......饿得没什么力气改了......yy将就着看吧.....第一篇这个样子已经不错的了......好好努力吧.......

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10楼

发表于 2005-7-12 13:28:32 |只看该作者

Since democracy was introduced to the whole world, people have become more and more conscious about the transparency of information. Consequently, some holds the opinion that political leaders should not withhold any information from the public, but before we take it for granted 好像有点不对，应该是在我们接受这个观点，而不是我们对这个观点习以为常吧？, we have to examine its feasibility and possibility, and it is undeniable that preserving some special or crucial information through political power 感觉有点奇怪is profitable. 有利可图的：产生利润的；有利的或赚钱，好像换成必要，有益之类的，比用这个感觉好一点。

As it is known to all, authority is the promise of prosperous prospect and permanent propulsion of a country. So first of all, in order to realize this goal, political leaders should keep a decent image in front of the public, which would largely require a modest preservation of some special or personal information. 没有讲清楚为什么对公众有保留可以既被尊重又被相信Thus they could gain respect as well as trust from people in order to retain authority concerning public benefits. When stuffs of the White House knew president Roosevelt's lover Lucy, although some of them considered it as a windfall to repudiate his control, most people felt like concealing it in front of mass media, in the light of Roosevelt's ability to overcome the Great Depression. 这个例子好像是总统周围的人隐瞒，不是总统本人的隐瞒。而且你表达的大概意思是因为他有功所以别人隐瞒，但是最好进一步说隐瞒了的好处，或者不隐瞒的坏处，这样才能很好的论证你说的领导需要隐瞒的观点。It is true that democracy requires transparent information, but it is unpractical to impeach an excellent leader who might save the country simply because of some personal flaws.你这句稍微有点离题，从隐瞒跳到该不该责备领导上面了，还是把讨论范围限制在有没有必要隐瞒上，写到这里感觉你的思维开始有点发散了。把这句去掉，或者改成和你后面的文字相符的句子。 In ancient Greece, polis was so 应该是such吧，so后面不能跟名词well-developed a social organization that everyone had the right to know their political leaders fully and thoroughly. However, just on account of this system, some intelligent leaders could not bring their outstanding ability into full play, because as soon as people found their leaders' flaws, they could deny his authority, which was disadvantageous to their polis, and with a number of superior leaders being overturned, polis became weaker and weaker and finally decayed. It also happened in Soviet Union, after the Purge, many splendid political leaders were killed because of personal flaws, and it was a great pity for USSR losing those intellectuals. 需要一个总结，比如所以，隐瞒是必要的，不隐瞒是有严重后果的，一个段落有总结句会显得比较完整，照应一下ts。后面的两个例子举得很好，开始的例子有点不太好，而且这段有点太长，个人感觉完全可以不要第一个例子。然后把你自己的论证好好组合一下。

Further more, it is quite necessary to keep some crucial information from the public in order to avoid disturbances or protect national profits. Until now, some information about the Water Gate Case is still under control just considering unnecessary troubles 改成为了避免可能产生的麻烦会比较通顺, and no country will open its top military or political secrets through media, for they never want to share those information with others. 直接说他们为什么不想，比如为了国家的安全。比如被恐怖分子知道会怎么样One may argue that crucial information must be reported to all in case of danger, such as Sars, 这个例子有一点，怎么说呢，确实有市长因为隐瞒而离职，所以在这个问题上，要商榷。so as to call all possible forces into action to withstand the uncontrollable fact. Nevertheless, as long as the whole event can be in the control of government, it will be more beneficial to conceal rather than revealing it, 这前后两个分句的在思维上有点跳跃，让我一时都没有看懂。as we all know the funny result of the FTAA conference in Canada a few years ago: People supporting Anti-globalization marching on the street said that only because their opinion was reported by government as not right不懂, they had to "show their anger".这是一个太长的句子，分成两句写让人没有断气的感觉。从as we all know开始重新写一句。 So we could see a lot people using Japanese camera or wearing French clothes shouting and dancing on the street. In fact, if Canadian government did not reported the opposite opinion publicly to show their justice and correctness, maybe there would have not be such an event.我觉得这个例子有点不完整，你没有说这个event带来了什么损失，也就是没有标明没有隐瞒带来的危害，So we could see a lot people using Japanese camera or wearing French clothes shouting and dancing on the street. 这句话的意思比较模糊，很难说这是什么危害。我们中国人也是这样啊。

On the other hand, although in the cases above they can withhold information from people even with public support, there is a rightful limit. Extreme control of information causes troubles as well. It will help a political leader escapes public scrutiny, and dereliction or corruption may occur. Aside from it, if the whole matter is vital and dangerous, such as the Asian flu, it is better to inform rather than obscuring the fact.这段比起前面来说有点太简单，说了好几个意思，但是每一个都不完整，知道是因为写到最后有点累，还是因为B1有点太长。虽然没有什么大错，但是比起你前面的详细这里有点虎头蛇尾的感觉。

最好有一个总结词，让人知道你结尾了，别人都习惯了结尾有总结词，再说你先说一个要不要曝光取决于情况然后再跟后面的比较连贯。开头就是if感觉不太好If all special or personal information about a political leader are open to all, there will be unnecessary problems; if some crucial information is open to all, there will be unimaginable disturbances or national losses. However, we also cannot be too extreme. 有点太短，后面又直接是，Therefore,有一点点不舒服。Therefore, while we judge whether information should or should not be publicized, we have to consider it in an all-around way, and most of the time, it is valuable for officials to withhold some information from people.

总的来说，你写得很好，语言不错，例子也很丰富，结构也很好，好好练习一定能高分的，这几天我看的文章里面你可以排前几了。

人生有些决定是大胆的，但是那并不代表这些决定是错误的。

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