[i习作temp] issue154 education 欢迎指正无敌拍场 [复制链接]

jqhb
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2006-2-2 23:22:39 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

第二片了,主打逻辑

issue154
"Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."

Word: 522

Outline:
1. I agree with the speaker
2. Firstly, to large extent, contemporary education includes a lot of knowledge
3. Secondly, students spend less time in communicating with theirs professional educators than with their parents and social organizations
4. Finally, students themselves as the main body of education also should play a role part in education
5.There may be harmful influence from unreasonable methods of education from parents and groups
6.In conclusion, parents and communities must be involved in the local schools

I strongly agree with the speaker since the statement shows education is so important that it is the co-responsibility of professional educator, parent as well as community and any part of them is vital when taking part in the locate schools actively.

Firstly, contemporary education includes lots of branches, which result in the cooperation among educators, parents, and communities very necessary, such as science knowledge, moral principles, self-cultivation, culture consciousness, and so on. As we all know, what students learn in schools cannot meet what they real need as members of society. But it could be improved when parents and communities can join in teachers. Parents are the best teachers as for a child, especially a teenager for ever for the reason that they are the examples to him in daily life and bring the influence of the family to the generation which can be translate red to one's habit. Communities are the same. Students choose a verity of organizations they like and need to practice themselves at kinds of aspects to be adapted to constantly changing surroundings or complex society.

Secondly, school time is limited: students spend less time in communicating with theirs professional educators than with their parents and social organizations. Assumption that a student spends forty hours in class per week; he cannot learn so many things in time and put them efficient in real life. On the contrary, he has about twice time out of the school, with the parents or in groups. More time and more companies will assist students making huge progress in different realms. Parents usually have enough time to communicate with their children, which is one of the powerful conditions. They can know what their children really want through joining in their conversation, develop their interests in music through sending a piano to them, or give a better study atmosphere through choosing excellent teachers for them. In some way, the education from them is more significant than professional educators.

Finally, a student's mentality also plays an important role in education. Supporting from parents and other people usually works in the process of learning. If parents are concerned about the situation of study of their child, the affection will be sent out, at the same time, become a strong motivation to encourage the child more diligent than before. On the other hand, the cooperation and completion from communities can spur one's potential and inspire one's interests. Therefore, parents and communities, as external factors, should not be neglected.

Admittedly, harmful inference from parents and social organizations is not beneficial to students. For instance, the uncorrected methods introduced to children may lead them lost their way in the sea of knowledge and a bad group is also possible to seduce one into an unhealthy atmosphere. Then, it is meaningful that parents and other organizations are effectively involved in education.

In conclusion, to a large extent, both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools, and try their best to help professional educators complete the big task. Effective education is not only related to individuals but to all the people with the growth of human society.

[ 本帖最后由 jqhb 于 2006-2-3 20:47 编辑 ]

是你们一路见证着我的成长
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avex
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沙发

发表于 2006-2-3 22:42:58 |只看该作者

I strongly agree with the speaker since the statement shows education is so important that it is the co-responsibility of professional educator, parent [语法错误，这两个名词都要加冠词或变复数]as well as community and any part of them is vital when taking part in the locate schools actively[这句话语法狂错locate 动词，主体句没有表达出来].

Firstly, contemporary education includes lots of branches, which result in the cooperation among educators, parents, and communities very necessary, such as science knowledge, moral principles, self-cultivation, culture consciousness, and so on. As we all know, what students learn in schools cannot meet what they real [语法错误really] need as members of society. But it could [can] be improved when parents and communities can join in teachers[建议用associate with]. Parents are the best teachers as for a child[这句话也是道题，被批斗过], especially a teenager for ever for [？] the reason that they are the examples to him [him/her注意性别问题，连mankind，businessman这类的都不能使的] in daily life and bring the influence of the family to the generation [下一代吧next] which [who] can be translate [translated] red to one's habit. Communities are the same[见我第一篇有同样的逻辑表达，更地道]. [这里有个逻辑的偏差，就是题目的第一句是involved in the local schools说的不是你说的家庭教育为主体，不知你后面又没有提到parents的参与；如果有就好了] Students choose a verity [variety] of organizations they like and need to practice themselves at kinds of aspects to be adapted to constantly changing surroundings or complex society.

Secondly, school time is limited: students spend less time in communicating with theirs professional educators than with their parents and social organizations. Assumption that a student spends forty hours in class per week; [语法错误，句子结构少谓语]he [同上] cannot learn so many things in time and put them efficient[没有这种表达吧put them into practice] in real life. On the contrary, he [同上]has about twice time out of the school, with the parents or in groups. More time and more companies will assist students [+ with or to do] making huge progress in different realms. Parents usually have enough time to communicate with their children, which is one of the powerful conditions. They can know what their children really want through joining in their conversation, develop their interests in music through sending a piano to them, or give a better study atmosphere through choosing excellent teachers for them. In some way, the education from them is more significant than professional educators. [无论据的assertion 不要为好，或者加论据]
[还是再说第二句，没有涉及第一句也就是involve因为不是主要要谈改不改教育，因为这个不用谈是事实；要谈的是使不是要影响formal education，也就是involve in the local schools]
Finally, a student's mentality also plays an important role in education. Supporting from parents and other people usually works in the process of learning. If parents are concerned about [with] the situation of study of their child [children], the affection will be sent out, at the same time,[语法错误，句式介词词组不能做连词用] become a strong motivation to encourage the child more diligent than before. On the other hand, the cooperation and completion from communities can spur one's potential and inspire one's interests. Therefore, parents and communities, as external factors, should [不要用should] not be neglected.

Admittedly, harmful inference from parents and social organizations is not beneficial to students. For instance, the uncorrected methods introduced to children may lead them [语法错误to lose] lost their way in the sea of knowledge and a bad group is also possible to seduce one into [to] an unhealthy atmosphere. Then, it is meaningful that parents and other organizations are effectively involved in education. [最后一句和前面脱节]

In conclusion, to a large extent, both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools, and try their best to help professional educators complete the big task. Effective education is not only related to individuals but to all the people with the growth of human society.
[正篇的逻辑问题就是我在第二段后面说的]

我的过来拍拍哈：
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D2

[ 本帖最后由 avex 于 2006-2-3 22:50 编辑 ]

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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qiuzirumeng
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板凳

发表于 2006-2-5 11:21:07 |只看该作者

谢谢jqhb对俺的批评

I strongly agree with the speaker since the statement shows education is so important that it is the co-responsibility of professional educator, parent as well as community and any part of them is vital when taking part in the locate (local) schools actively.

Firstly, contemporary education includes lots of branches, which result in the cooperation among educators, parents, and communities very necessary, such as science knowledge, moral principles, self-cultivation, culture consciousness, and so on. (这句话是不是有点过长，个人认为TS还是应该简洁明确一点)As we all know, what students learn in schools cannot meet what they real need as members of society. But it could be improved when parents and communities can join in teachers. Parents are the best teachers as for a child, especially a teenager for ever [这个不是很明白]for the reason that they are the examples [exemplary是不是更准确点？]to him in daily life and bring the influence of the family to the generation which can be translate red to one's habit. Communities are the same. Students choose a verity of organizations they like and need to practice themselves at kinds of aspects to be adapted to constantly changing surroundings or complex society.最后与还是感觉太长了点。另外段落中能加些起承转合的词是不是更好我这几天看北美范文发现几乎每个段落都有很多这样的指示词，甚至顺接关系也在之前加上and ，呵呵
自己的一点小体会Secondly, school time is limited: students spend less time in communicating with theirs professional educators than with their parents and social organizations. Assumption that a student spends forty hours in class per week; he cannot learn so many things in time and put them efficient in real life[ in practice]. On the contrary, he has about twice time out of the school, with the parents or in groups. More time and more companies will assist students making huge progress in different realms. Parents usually have enough time to communicate with their children, which is one of the powerful conditions(advantage). They can know what their children really want through joining in their conversation, develop their interests in music through(by?)
sending a piano to them, or give a better study atmosphere through choosing excellent teachers for them. 恩，这些列举都很具体形象，要学习In some way, the education from them is more significant than professional educators.

Finally, a student's mentality also plays an important role in education. Supporting from parents and other people usually works in the process of learning. If parents are concerned about the situation of study of their child, the affection will be sent out, at the same time [in turn], become a strong motivation to encourage the child more diligent than before. On the other hand, the cooperation and completion from communities can [加上also或者 in the same way 的修饰词是不是更好？]spur one's potential and inspire one's interests. Therefore, parents and communities, as external factors, should not be neglected.

Admittedly, harmful inference（这个不太理解） from parents and social organizations is not beneficial to students. For instance, the uncorrected methods introduced to children may lead them lost their way in the sea of knowledge and a bad group is also possible to seduce one into an unhealthy atmosphere. Then, it is meaningful that parents and other organizations are effectively involved in education.

In conclusion, to a large extent, both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools, and try their best to help professional educators complete the big task[这个感觉不是很地道噢，不如直接说education]. Effective education is not only related to individuals but to all the people with the growth of human society.

[ 本帖最后由 qiuzirumeng 于 2006-2-5 12:18 编辑 ]

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