[习作点评] NINE小组第一次作业by Rita [复制链接]

Rita2046
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电梯直达

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发表于 2011-8-1 21:11:09 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

What kind of influence the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life make on people’s developing? In response to this issue, we need analyze the topic comprehensively and systematically. The author declares that modern luxuries and conveniences prevent people from developing into strong and independent individuals. However, it oversimplifies this issue. The final judgment, as far as I am concerned, should depend on a case-by-case analysis.

Admittedly, modern luxuries and conveniences do have some negative influences on people. We can make friends on Facebook and shopping on EBay instead of going out. We can go for a picnic by our private cars instead of walking a long way and a long time. We also can enjoy entertainment from the TV programs instead of play games with others. What is more, we can wear fur coats which are fashion and warm instead of thick and disgraceful cotton clothes when the winter coming. What is the result? All of these result in that we cannot live without internet, the car and plane, and kinds of luxuries. From this extent, modern life makes us become lazier and more finicky.

However, with the modern luxuries and conveniences, we did not and will never stop becoming more and more strong and independent. One can communicate with friends on Facebook despite he is too busy to go out. One can go for his business by private car despite how terrible the weather is. One can live a long life with convenient medical treatment despite he got a cancer. In these ways, luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life make us more and more strong and independent. An example involves Steven Hawking, one of great minds in the world, can illustrate this point of view. For many years, Steven Hawking can articulate words only when he using a special computer system. This computer system turns the impossible things in Hawking’s life into possible things but dose not turn Hawking into a man who stopped advancing.

On the other hand, modern luxuries and conveniences make us a large of new need. For a more convenient life, we are striving on kinds of study and experiments. For a better future, we are working on varies exploitation. For more luxuries, we are making our effort to do our jobs. In one word, modern luxuries and conveniences arouse up our ambition. From this extent, on the contrary, we human beings become more and more strong and independent.

To sum up, I strongly commit to the notion that we need to call for a balance between the negative and positive sides of the modern luxuries and conveniences. In a word, this complicated issue depends on how to treat the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life.

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ymxjtu
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沙发

发表于 2011-8-2 10:04:24 |只看该作者

我来评一下Rita童鞋的作文，第一次点评，有不对的地方，欢迎讨论呀，呵呵

NINE小组第一次作业by Rita
What kind of influence the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life make on people’s developing? In response to this issue, we need analyze the topic comprehensively and systematically.(是不是可以去掉，个人认为于主题无关的都可以省略) The author declares that modern luxuries and conveniences prevent people from developing into strong and independent individuals.（重复叙述题目） However, it oversimplifies this issue. The final judgment, as far as I am concerned, should depend on a case-by-case analysis.（中心观点，认为是一个依情况而定的结论，所以下面的分析应该说现代生活奢华的坏影响和好影响）

Admittedly, modern luxuries and conveniences do have some negative influences on people. We can make friends on Facebook and shopping on EBay instead of going out.（在讲坏的影响，可是举例说明时却将带来的好处放在了前面，那么重点就是强调好处而不是坏处了，感觉力度不够，有混淆立场的嫌疑） We can go for a picnic by our private cars instead of walking a long way and a long time. We also can enjoy entertainment from the TV programs instead of play games with others. What is more, we can wear fur coats which are fashion and warm instead of thick and disgraceful cotton clothes when the winter coming.（排比举例非常好，例子写到细处，那么下面的就应该给出论证） What is the result? All of these result in that we cannot live without internet, the car and plane, and kinds of luxuries. From this extent, modern life makes us become lazier and more finicky.（这是论证，这个lazy和finicky作为负面影响，是不是太小了，是否需要再加强论证）

看完这一段我就觉得作者就是在论证现代生活对我们坏的影响，但是好像感觉不太对，我仔细想了下，发现目标不对。我们需要驳斥的是现代生活妨碍我们成为强大的对立的个体，而不是现代生活带给我们的负面影响，需要的是以负面影响为题材来论证我们如何被妨碍成为强大独立的个体。
所以本段并没有完全论证了中心，有隔靴搔痒之嫌。

However, with the modern luxuries and conveniences, we did not and will never stop becoming more and more strong and independent. One can communicate with friends on Facebook despite he is too busy to go out. One can go for his business by private car despite how terrible the weather is. One can live a long life with convenient medical treatment despite he got a cancer. In these ways, luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life make us more and more strong and independent.（需要进一步的论证才能得到这样的观点，不能说因为方便了我们就强大了，论证不充分呀） An example involves Steven Hawking, one of great minds in the world, can illustrate this point of view. For many years, Steven Hawking can articulate words only when he using a special computer system. This computer system turns the impossible things in Hawking’s life into possible things but dose not turn Hawking into a man who stopped advancing. （霍金的例子说明科技让不可能变成可能，但是怎么使人强大和独立，感觉论证还是没有完全结束呀！）

On the other hand, modern luxuries and conveniences make us a large of new need. For a more convenient life, we are striving on kinds of study and experiments. For a better future, we are working on varies exploitation. For more luxuries, we are making our effort to do our jobs. In one word, modern luxuries and conveniences arouse up our ambition.（是不是可以把这句话放在句首作为观点呢） From this extent, on the contrary, we human beings become more and more strong and independent.

To sum up, I strongly commit to the notion that we need to call for a balance between the negative and positive sides of the modern luxuries and conveniences.（在两者之间取平衡时什么意思，我怎么感觉交代不清楚呢） In a word, this complicated issue depends on how to treat the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life. （还是中心不明确的，我们需要论证的是现代生活对个体强大独立的影响，而不是说我们怎么对待它，需要进一步论证说，好的态度对待它，让它们为我们服务，而不是个体附属于奢华和便利，那么个体才能够强大，和独立。说实话，我还是没有弄明白，在本文中，什么是强大和独立的个体）

总结：
优点：中心观点明确，语言流畅，例子充分，这些都值得学习呀，Rita同学很厉害哦
确定：最主要的就是论证不充分。

2012 fall

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