[i习作temp] issue121 [戮力同心小组] 第三次作业 [复制链接]

sunflowerchenzi
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2007-7-29 18:39:24 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

121. At various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct as a result of natural, rather than human, processes. Thus, there is no justification for society to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species."

The statement points out that the extinct species are the result of nature process more than human activities in various times in the pass. And it claims that governments unnecessarily make extraordinary efforts to save endangered species. From my point of view, lots of species become extinct because of the appearance of human, however, basic needs of people could not be met in some country, so governments should firstly measure their ability and then decide how much effort they could make to protect the threatened species.

Admittedly, extinction is a natural evolutional process. Many species become extinct because they could not adapt to the changing environment before the appearance of human beings. We are not able to protect them, even if we have the power to go back to the pass, we must not make any try to protect them. Otherwise, people would break the process of evolution, which might cause the disappearance of human beings.

However, hardly can we deny that many species become extinct as a result of the activities of human beings. Pollution, illegal animal prey and trade, and overdevelopment of land are the factors leading a species to extinction. For example, people preyed dodos in a wide extent for eating them in Mauritius Island. Dogs and other kinds of livestock mainly eat dodos’ eggs. Human being should be responsible for the extinction of the dodo. A resent survey shows that human accelerate the speed of the extinction of rare animals.

Human should make effort to protect the threatened species, not only for these species but also for human ourselves. The earth doesn’t belong to human but human belong to the earth. At least, we should stop to prey rare animals. Otherwise, we would accelerate the speed of the extinction of ourselves while accelerating the speed of the extinction of rare species.

But many people suffer from poverty, starvation; it is luxury for their government to protect rare species at enormous expense. Saving people is as important as saving rare animals. According to a recent survey of WFP (World Food Programme), there are 6,241,512 people dying of hunger. Their government should firstly spend the money on those who are unable to afford food instead of rare species. And those stable affluent societies could use their money for rare species.

In sum, I concede that extinction of animals is a natural evolution process. However, many species become extinct because of human activities. Governments should take measures to protect rare animals according to their ability and conditions.

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liyi2321
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沙发

发表于 2007-7-29 21:43:37 |只看该作者

The statement points out that the extinct species are the result of nature process more than human activities in various times in the pass. And it claims that governments unnecessarily make extraordinary efforts to save endangered species. From my point of view, lots of species become extinct because of the appearance of human, however, basic needs of people could not be met in some country, so governments should firstly measure their ability and then decide how much effort they could make to protect the threatened species.
（核心观点：量力而为保护濒危物种）
Admittedly, extinction is a natural evolutional process. Many species become extinct because they could not adapt to the changing environment before the appearance of human beings. We are not able (unable) to protect them, even if we have the power to go back to the pass, we must not make any try to protect them. Otherwise, people would break the process of evolution, which might cause the disappearance of human beings.
（让步，承认有些物种是由于自然选择灭亡的，但是论证缺乏例子，这样的例子很多，只是在空说论证力度不够）
However, hardly can we deny that many species become extinct as a result of the activities of human beings. Pollution, illegal animal prey and trade, and overdevelopment of land are the factors leading a species to extinction. For example, people preyed dodos in a wide extent for eating them in Mauritius Island. Dogs and other kinds of livestock mainly eat dodos’ eggs. Human being should be responsible for the extinction of the dodo. A resent survey shows that human accelerate the speed of the extinction of rare animals.
（论点：有些物种的灭绝是我们的责任，但是感觉你的论证还是不足，尤其最后，感觉没有写完。）
Human should make effort to protect the threatened species, not only for these species but also for human ourselves. The earth doesn’t belong to human but human belong to the earth. At least, we should stop to prey rare animals. Otherwise, we would accelerate the speed of the extinction of ourselves while accelerating the speed of the extinction of rare species.
（论点：我们应该努力保护濒危物种，原因：为了人类自己。因果可以成立，但是有点孤单，应该深化一下，从否定之否定的原理，如果不保护濒危物种，对我们人类有什么影响？这样逻辑就更清晰。）
But many people suffer from poverty, starvation; it is luxury for their government to protect rare species at enormous expense. Saving people is as important as saving rare animals. According to a recent survey of WFP (World Food Programme), there are 6,241,512 people dying of hunger. Their government should firstly spend the money on those who are unable to afford food instead of rare species. And those stable affluent societies could use their money for rare species.
（论点：保护濒危物种前。首先应该解决人本身的生存问题。论点有点模糊，应该适当明确。）
In sum, I concede that extinction of animals is a natural evolution process. However, many species become extinct because of human activities. Governments should take measures to protect rare animals according to their ability and conditions.
（提高分数的一点的建议：结尾最好不要简单重复三段的观点。具体怎么做我也在探索，这个是ETS给的评分样题上这样写的）

整体感觉：思路还是可以的，就是在正文段的展开方面可以再下一点功夫，你的这个作文字数确实有点少，主要就是由于正文段的展开不够。总之，在写的时候问自己：还能不能再说的深入一点。

我的修改请不要影响到别的组员，我只是代表我自己的看法。

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nun318
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板凳

发表于 2007-7-29 23:45:37 |只看该作者

The statement points out that the extinct species are the result of nature process more than human activities in various times in the pass. And it claims that governments unnecessarily make extraordinary efforts to save endangered species. From my point of view, lots of species become extinct because of the appearance of human, however, basic needs of people could not be met in some country, so governments should firstly measure their ability and then decide how much effort they could make to protect the threatened species.

Admittedly, extinction is a natural evolutional process. Many species (+have) become extinct because they could not adapt to the changing environment before the appearance of human beings. We are not able to protect them,(.)even if we have the power to go back to the pass, we must not make any try to protect them. Otherwise, people would break the process of evolution, which might cause the disappearance of human beings.

下边这段仿佛在陈述一个相反的事实，缺乏论证，可考虑合并下面的这段到别段中去。

However, hardly can we deny that many species become extinct as a result of the activities of human beings. Pollution, illegal animal prey and trade, and overdevelopment of land are the factors leading a species to extinction. For example, people preyed dodos in a wide extent for eating them in Mauritius Island. Dogs and other kinds of livestock mainly eat dodos’ eggs. Human being should be responsible for the extinction of the dodo. A resent survey shows that human accelerate the speed of the extinction of rare (rare animals 容易歧义，some endagered)animals.

这两段缺乏转折性的过度，有些生硬。

Human should make effort to protect the threatened species, not only for these species but also for human ourselves. The earth doesn’t belong to human but human belong to the earth. At least, we should stop to prey rare animals. Otherwise, we would accelerate the speed of the extinction of ourselves while accelerating the speed of the extinction of rare species.

下面这段可以合并到上段中去
But many people suffer from poverty, starvation; it is luxury for their government to protect rare species at enormous expense. Saving people is as important as saving rare animals. According to a recent survey of WFP (World Food Programme), there are 6,241,512 people dying of hunger. Their government should firstly spend the money on those who are unable to afford food instead of rare species. And those (relatively)stable affluent societies could use their money for rare species.可以再展开说一下。

让步的段与转折的段单独成段使得文章有些散，字数上的欠缺和论证上的单薄是相互的。

In sum, I concede that extinction of animals is a natural evolution process. However, many species become extinct because of human activities. Governments should take measures to protect rare animals according to their ability and conditions.结尾可以深入扩展一下，有简单重复第一段之嫌

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