[a习作temp] ARGUMENT147 第一篇ARGUMENT [复制链接]

mabla
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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-7-29 22:04:07 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

WORDS: 448       TIME: 00:30:00       DATE: 2007-7-29 18:00:02

【说明】第一篇ARGUMENT，30分中内审题、找错并写出来的确挺有难度，语言更是无暇顾及。请各位大牛拍砖，谢谢！

简要提纲：
1. player like such games ！= they will buy because  they need up-to-date computers，which is expensive
2. demand or maket grows !=Whirlwind sales increase  because of competitor's threat
3. maket itself decrease  so the introduce of new products might be useless ；increase in new products may not be strong enough to reverse the trend; new products sales increase but other products decrease,so the total is hard to say; the survey may have some problem.

正文：
The prediction that the sales trend of Whirlwind video games will about to be reversed is not well-grounded. It was not that logical from the given information to the conclusion.

The claim of the possible reversing in the sales is largely based on a survey, which indicates that players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics and the company's introduce of several such productions. There are some problems in this argument. Firstly, players’ preference of games of lifelike graphics does not necessarily mean that they will buy such games. It is noted that such games require most-up-to-date computers. Players will possibly not purchase the games for the reason that they are unwilling to afford the expensive cost of a up-to-date computer, which is a must for playing these games. And this is of high possibility for most video game players are people 10 to 25 years old, who usually lack money. Secondly, even if the numbers of people who are willing to purchase such games, the increase will not be enough to reverse the already existing decline trend. Thirdly, people buy these games may decrease their purchase of other games produced by Whirlwind, because people are not likely to play too many games at the same period of time.

   What is more, Whirlwind will not have the dramatic increase of sales even more people are willing buy games of lifelike graphics, because its competitors may introduce games of this sort as well and maybe they are better than those of Whirlwind’s. The increase of lifelike graphics games does not guarantee the increase of a certain company in this market, just like Whirlwind.

   Actually, only when Whirlwind has found the real reasons of its declining sales, could they come to the right conclusion of their future sales. Maybe its decrease was caused by the decrease of the whole computer game market, possibly caused by the population decrease of the typical player group or by bad situation of the general economic climate. And the information of that survey is not adequate to judge the soundness of the original argument. For example, the statistics of the may not cover enough players and so that the result is not reliable.

In sum, the conclusion of the argument in the magazine is not reliable as the players who prefer video games of lifelike graphics may not be willing to buy the games for its high requirement of computers. And even if the market of such games grows to a great extent, Whirlwind may not enjoy the benefit of the growing market due to the possible fierce competition. Needless to mention the unclear future of the market and the possible problems of the survey itself.

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kiki1988
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沙发

发表于 2007-7-30 01:25:15 |只看该作者

先看看……明天开始写~~~

好困~~~~:o

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kiki1988
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板凳

发表于 2007-7-31 00:30:50 |只看该作者

正文：
The prediction that the sales trend of Whirlwind video games will about to be reversed is not well-grounded. It was not that logical from the given information to the conclusion.（开门见山，挺好！最好再稍微论述下作者观点——个人认为哈）

The claim of the possible reversing in the sales is largely based on a survey, which indicates that players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics and the company's introduce of several such productions. 还是那个问题：段首就要中心突出！There are some problems in this argument. Firstly, players’ preference of games of lifelike graphics does not necessarily mean that they will buy such games. It is noted that such games require most-?up-to-date computers. Players will possibly not purchase the games for the reason that they are unwilling to afford the expensive cost of a up-to-date computer, which is a must for playing these games. And this is of high(应该是low吧?购买力低，当然可能性小!) possibility for most video game players are people 10 to 25 years old, who usually lack (of)money. (到此为止，你说得已经是2个问题了)Secondly, even if the numbers of people who are willing to purchase such games(句子没问题，就是一段里面出现类似的句子感觉太重复，), the increase will not be enough to reverse the already existing decline trend.(这一点明显论述不够) Thirdly, people buy these games may decrease their purchase of other games produced by Whirlwind, because people are not likely to play too many games at the same period of time.(个人认为这个观点。。。逻辑不太通)
   What is more, Whirlwind will not have the dramatic increase of sales even more people are willing buy games of lifelike graphics, because its competitors may introduce games of this sort as well and maybe they are better than those of Whirlwind’s. The increase of lifelike graphics games does not guarantee the increase of a certain company in this market, just like Whirlwind.
以上2段分段目的不明显
   Actually, only when Whirlwind has found the real reasons of its declining sales, could they come to the right conclusion of their future sales. Maybe its decrease was caused by the decrease of the whole computer game market, possibly caused by the population decrease of the typical player group or by bad situation of the general economic climate. And the information of that survey is not adequate to judge the soundness of the original argument. For example, the statistics of the may not cover enough players and so that the result is not reliable.
这段的开始让人感觉像总结~和下面冲突。建议用Finally开头。
   In sum, the conclusion of the argument in the magazine is not reliable as (典型结尾~！赞!)the players who prefer video games of lifelike graphics may not be willing to buy the games for its high requirement of computers. And even if the market of such games grows to a great extent, Whirlwind may not enjoy the benefit of the growing market due to the possible fierce competition. Needless to mention the unclear future of the market and the possible problems of the survey itself.总结段蛮好的
30分钟写成这样真不容易，我花了1个半小时也没觉得好多少~加油哇~！！！

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