[a习作temp] Argument147 [复制链接]

qixlizi
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发表于 2007-8-8 06:46:57 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Argument147 字数：450 八号：liz
In this argument, the arguer recommends that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To justify this claim, the arguer provides the evidence that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase dramatically in the next few months. In addition, he cites the result of a recent study that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase dramatically in the next few months. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 to strengthen his recommendation. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.
In the first place, the arguer fails to take into account the age-group of 10 to 25 years old most likely to play video games, the survey is indeed no evidence in the analysis.
In the second place, even if the statistics of survey are reliable and representative, the arguer also relies on the unsubstantiated assumption that the introduction of the games which players prefer has a casual relationship with the rise of sales. There is no evidence to support that the lacking of vivid graphics is the reason cause the decrease of the sales. Perhaps lack of management results in that W’s products are in the dry tree at the market competition. Since the games provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computer, perhaps the price of the computer maybe too higher for the players to afford it. If this is the case, the arguer cannot convince me that the introduction of new game will improve the sales.
Thirdly, the comparison in this argument is incomplete and one-sided, the arguer discovers that there are still many facets could increase the game sales. The arguer fails to provide any information regarding vivid characteristic is the most important factor attracting the custom’s will of purchasing and also failed to analysis other factors which could effect the sales such as sound effect, scenario and sale services and so on.
Furthermore there is no evidence to prove that the players would like to afford such costly most up-to-date computers to satisfy their demand in vision. Perhaps it is not welcome by its consumer.
In summary, the conclusion reached in this argument is in misleading. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer would have to would have to provide more information about the age of the consumer, the reason of the decay in the sales.Moreover, I would suspend my judgment about the credibility of the recommendation until the arguer can provide concrete evidence that a more general survey, and the analysis of balance in profit as well. Otherwise the argument is unconvincing as it stands.

[ 本帖最后由 qixlizi 于 2007-8-9 12:38 编辑 ]

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Cathy+Wong
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发表于 2007-8-9 02:23:09 |只看该作者

Argument147 字数：450 八号：lizIn this argument, the arguer predict that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.(我觉得还是不要完全照抄，稍微换一下说法比较好) To justify this claim, the arguer provides the evidence that the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase dramatically in the next few months.（这句话不是evidence吧？）In addition, he cites the result of a recent survyto support his prediction. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 to strengthen his recommendation. (这句话是什么作用?)A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

In the first place, the arguer fails to take into account the age-group of 10 to 25 years old most likely to play video games, the survey is indeed no evidence in the analysis.(???逻辑不对！是调查没有针对消费群体)

In the second place, even if the statistics of survey are reliable and representative, the arguermade a unsubstantiated assumption that the introduction of the games which players prefer has a casual relationship with the rise of sales. There is no evidence to support that the lacking of vivid graphics is the reason causing the decrease of the sales. Perhaps lack of management results in that ‘declination (l建议分段，此处)

ALso，since the games provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computer, perhaps the price of the computer maybe too high for the players to afford . If this is the case, the arguer cannot convince us that the introduction of new game will improve the sales. Thirdly, the comparison in this argument is incomplete and one-sided, the arguer discovers that there are still many facets that could increase the game sales. The arguer fails to provide any information ,thatvivid characteristic is the most important factor which attracts the custommost, and also failed to analyze other factors which could affect the sales such as sound effect, scenario and sale services and so on. Furthermore there is no evidence to prove that the players would like to afford such costly most up-to-date computers to satisfy their demand in vision. Perhaps it is not welcome by its consumer.In summary, the conclusion reached in this argument is in misleading. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer would have to provide more information about the target consumer, the reason of the decline in the sales. I would suspend my judgment about the credibility of the recommendation until the arguer can provide concrete evidence that a more general survey, and the analysis of balance in profit as well. Otherwise the argument is unconvincing as it stands.

模版用得很好，但是其他的论证就显得薄弱了，尤其是语法错误较多，而且语言（尤其第一段）稍显罗嗦，还有一些很明显的语法等低级错误，希望贴之前能自己先改一下