0910AW 同主题写作第二期 ARGUMENT173 by seiranzcc [复制链接]

seiranzcc1
UID：2514067

高级会员

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 29
寄托币: 726
注册时间: 2008-7-10
精华: 1
帖子: 33

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-5-30 07:56:25 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 seiranzcc1 于 2009-5-31 15:40 编辑

The speaker asserts that their magzines were not sold well over the past three years because of the international news stories on their front covers. Moreover, their foreign bureaus is costing more to be maintained. Therefore, the speaker thinks that decreasing the emphasis on international news and refraining their appearance on cover stories. The statement seems logical at the first sight, but after analized, it has several factors to be questionable.

There are no evidences or any experiences that can prove that international news on cover stories will cut the selling of one magzine. Scads of factors contribute to deciding the destiny of magzines in the markets, including the contents, the arrangement of the structure and the look of the covers.  The  speaker's magzines were poorly sold probably because their selling mode is too simple or it lacks  proper way of publicizing. Adimittedly, attractive cover stories raise the chance of the magzine issue to be picked up from piles of colorful books. But without real contents, special indeas on current events or perfect structure of pages, the magzine might just be put back. Even for those who have bought one issue, if the magzine doesn't enfold what they want, they might not choose this magzine any more. In this case, the decreasing of the international news doesn't make any differences.

Although the speaker offers the fact that the competing magzines are decreasing the number of cover stories ob international news, no evidences prove that the magzines are becoming better-sellers solely due to this act of the publisher. Even the magzine issues are popular after the decreasion, the publisher might have changed the magzine a lot-not just the cover stories- so that it fits more to people's taste. In addition, no one can deduct that the reason why the competing magzines decrease the number of cover stories on international news is that their magzines are poor-selling. They might just want to display more  news stories about other fields so that the magzines can be more perfect and attractive.

Since the foriegn bureaus are costing more, the speaker concludes that the situation will be improved by reducing the emphasis on international news. But the speaker ignores that the  foreign bureaus cost more probably because the situation of the countries where they are change. For instance, the prices of stuff there is rising. Moreover, the foreign bureaus might have caught with some temporary problems that require more money to settle them down. All of this hardly has anything to do with the emphasis of the international news, and the situation would probably go worse if the foreign bureaus get less aid from the headquarters.

Therefore, it is insensible for the speaker to decide to decrease their emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying those stories on their magzine covers solely because the magzines with an internationl-news-cover were not sold well and their foreign bureaus cost more. The cover stories of one magzine might devote to attract the readers, but a magzine becomes popular not just because of the cover-stories, or whether the cover is about the international news. To solve the problems, the speaker should consider more about the whole quality of the magzine so that they can make an appropriate amendment to improve the sale.

In sum, the speaker fails to find out the true reasons behind the fact that makes their magzines unpopular, and wrongly attributes all the responsibility to the international news and the cost on devotion to international report.

========================
非常感谢修改！这篇搞那么乱污染你们眼睛了。。。囧
放了一个修改版，但是有些问题还没解决，等我慢慢来，咳咳。。。
The speaker asserts that their magazine issues were not sold well over the past three years because of the international news stories on their front covers. Moreover, their foreign bureaus are costing more to be maintained. Therefore, the speaker thinks that decreasing the emphasis on international news and refraining their appearance on cover stories will help mitigate the situation . The statement seems logical at the first sight, but after analyzed, it has several factors to be questionable.

There are no evidences or any experiences that can prove that international news on cover stories will cut the selling of magazine. Scads of factors contribute to deciding the destiny of magazine issues in the markets, including the contents, the arrangement of the structure and the appearance（looks?） of the covers.  The  speaker's magazine issues were poorly sold probably because their selling mode is too simple or it lacks  proper way of publicizing. Admittedly, attractive cover stories raise the chance of the magazine issue to be picked up from piles of colorful books. But without real contents, special ideas on current events or perfect structure of pages, the issue might just be put back. Even for those who have bought one issue, if it doesn't offer what they want, people might not choose this magazine any more. In this case, the decrease of the international news won’t make any differences in promoting the sales. Simply put, a lot of factors devote to the final sales of magazine issues. It is not sensible to attribute the problem of sales to cover stories.

Although the speaker offers the fact that the competing magazine is decreasing the number of cover stories about international news, no evidences prove (that the magazine issues are becoming more salable due to this
measure of the publisher)what is the result of this measure.. Even the magazine issues have become more salable after the decrease of cover stories about international news, the increasing sales might not be caused by the change of cover stories. Since along with decrease of international news on cover, the publisher probably replace them with some other news that are more attractive for the readers In addition, the purpose of the competing magazine to decrease the international-news-covers might not be to promote the sales at all. If there is news more weighty on other fields, it is normal to focus the cover stories on this type of news.

Since the foreign bureaus are costing more at the same time, the speaker decides to reduce the emphasis on international news in order to cut down the financial aid and mitigate the terrible situation But the speaker ignores that the  foreign bureaus cost more probably because the situation of the countries where they are changes. For instance, the prices of stuff there are rising. Moreover, the foreign bureaus might have caught with some temporary problems that require more money to settle them down. All of this hardly has anything to do with the emphasis of the international news, and the situation would probably go worse if the foreign bureaus get less aid from the headquarters.

Therefore, it is insensible for the speaker to decide to decrease their emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying those stories on their magazine covers solely because the magazines with an international-news-cover were not sold well and their foreign bureaus cost more. The cover stories of one magazine might devote to attract the readers, but magazine becomes popular not just because of the cover-stories, or whether the cover is about the international news. To solve the problems, the speaker should consider more about the whole quality of the magazine so that they can make an appropriate amendment to improve the sale.

In sum, the speaker fails to find out the true reasons behind the fact that makes their magazines unpopular, and wrongly attributes all the responsibility to the international news and the cost on devotion to international report.

回应
0

使用道具举报

jessicalulu
UID：2471730

特级会员

Rank: 6 Rank: 6

声望: 303
寄托币: 9420
注册时间: 2008-3-16
精华: 4
帖子: 549

沙发

发表于 2009-5-30 15:35:38 |只看该作者

橙色--perfect
紫色--suggestion and postil
红色--maybe some spelling and expression mistakes

The speaker asserts that their magzines（magazine好一点，题目中是单数。这个问题貌似也在后文中反复出现，我就不重复标记了，亲自查下好了~） were not sold well over the past three years because of the international news stories on their front covers. Moreover, their foreign bureaus is costing more to be maintained.（这句话可以套个从句，说明一下foreign bureaus的作用哇。亲觉得有没必要呢。） Therefore, the speaker thinks that decreasing the emphasis on international news and refraining their appearance on cover stories. The statement seems logical at the first sight, but after analized, it has several factors to be questionable.  开篇没什么好说的，提取问题和指出错误都直接了当。but我觉得66那个关于argu开头如何写的帖子蛮好，亲可以看一下借鉴一下哈~

There are no evidences or any experiences that can prove that international news on cover stories will cut the selling of one magzine. Scads（是个非正式单词哇？如果是，最好不要用。） of factors contribute to deciding the destiny of magzines in the markets, including the contents, the arrangement of the structure and the look（looks?） of the covers.  The  speaker's magzines were poorly sold probably because their selling mode is too simple（亲想说，销售模式很单一哇。我觉得这里可以说成销售模式不合理，因为一般来说，杂志的发行还是采用Multiechelon Distribution Model 即多级分销模式，所以模式可能是固定的，只是该杂志具体操作过程中的问题造成了销量上不去。这样会不会好一点呢？） or it lacks  proper way of publicizing. Adimittedly, attractive cover stories raise the chance of the magzine issue to be picked up from piles of colorful books. But without real contents, special indeas on current events or perfect structure of pages, the magzine might just be put back. Even for those who have bought one issue, if the magzine doesn't enfold what they want（我不确定这个表达正确否...亲，见过此种表达么？说一声，俺也学习下~）, they might not choose this magzine any more. In this case, the decreasing（decrease） of the international news doesn't make any differences. （这句总结得有问题。本段其实在说，各种他因影响着杂志的销量，尤其是内容，较一个好的封面更重要。所以你的总结应该是，in this case, the feature of the front cover is less important than a gorgeous magazine content. in other words, they choose international news as front cover or not is useless to customers' purchases. 大概就是这个意思，但是我的句子写得不好，亲可以整得再豪华一点。）

Although the speaker offers the fact that the competing magzines are decreasing the number of cover stories ob international news, no evidences prove that the magzines are becoming better-sellers solely due to this act（个人觉得action更好~） of the publisher（觉得这个开头有点问题哇。首先，rivals改变策略后，销量有没有增加尚是未知数，怎么能说销量的增加solely due to blabla？万一改变后其销量反而下降了，只是比我们的最后一名尚多一点点喃？如果亲非要这样写，那么小让步好了。即--即使他的销量增加了，。。。再接你那一段话）. Even the magzine issues are popular after the decreasion（decrease）, the publisher might have changed the magzine a lot-not just the cover stories- so that it fits more to people's taste. （本句的出现很莫名，不知亲想表达啥子。。。而且与上下文皆无关来着）In addition, no one can deduct（？） that the reason why the competing magzines decrease the number of cover stories on international news is that their magzines are poor-selling.（我实在弱小，这句继续没懂。。。） They might just want to display more  news stories about other fields so that the magzines can be more perfect and attractive. 首先，perfect有点过了，其次，这段缺少一个小总结哇。不过貌似段尾也不一定需要总结，当我没说好了。

Since the foriegn bureaus are costing more, the speaker concludes that the situation will be improved by reducing the emphasis on international news. （觉得亲这样理解这个问题未必浅薄了一点。我以为最好能把作者暗含的意思写出来，即作者无非是想减少对foreign bureaus的资金支持。不知道我这样理解对否。）But the speaker ignores that the  foreign bureaus cost more probably because the situation of the countries where they are change. For instance, the prices of stuff there is rising. Moreover, the foreign bureaus might have caught with some temporary problems that require more money to settle them down. All of this hardly has anything to do with the emphasis of the international news, and the situation would probably go worse if the foreign bureaus get less aid from the headquarters. 这句写得很好，私藏。

Therefore, it is insensible for the speaker to decide to decrease their emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying those stories on their magzine covers solely because the magzines with an internationl-news-cover were not sold well and their foreign bureaus cost more. The cover stories of one magzine might devote to attract the readers, but a magzine becomes popular not just because of the cover-stories, or whether the cover is about the international news. To solve the problems, the speaker should consider more about the whole quality of the magzine so that they can make an appropriate amendment to improve the sale.

In sum, the speaker fails to find out the true reasons behind the fact that makes their magzines unpopular, and wrongly attributes all the responsibility to the international news and the cost on devotion to international report. so what...觉得这段纯属画蛇添足，如果亲非想要，就加在上一段开始的地方。不过我觉得挺多余的。意思上一段里都表达清楚了的。

亲还没有用word自查拼写和语法错误哇。呃，所有的magazines都打错了，我标出来了，但未必全哈，就不一一改了，你完了用word检查一下吧~
还有主谓一致的问题，多次出现，亲也自查下哈~
感觉亲这篇写得很仓促哇，没有之前看过的issue写得好呢，建议继续好好修改哈。
anyway，不要被我满篇的颜色吓到了，都数是拼写错误，混淆视听。嘿嘿~
文中提出的建议，希望亲好好看一下，然后我们聊一下，有沟通才有进步哇~共同学习~A ZA !

有doraemon在，就什么都不怕～～

使用道具举报

Julymay
UID：2645085

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 14
寄托币: 484
注册时间: 2009-5-26
精华: 0
帖子: 0

板凳

发表于 2009-5-30 23:26:04 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 Julymay 于 2009-5-31 00:08 编辑

刚编辑完发现一个框框发不了这么长的文章~~~
我去下一楼~~~

使用道具举报

Julymay
UID：2645085

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 14
寄托币: 484
注册时间: 2009-5-26
精华: 0
帖子: 0

地板

发表于 2009-5-31 00:09:46 |只看该作者

The speaker asserts that(1) their magzines were not sold well over the past three years because of the international news stories on their front covers. Moreover,(2) their foreign bureaus is costing more to be maintained. Therefore, the speaker thinks that decreasing the emphasis on international news and refraining their appearance on cover stories.(这一句好像没有结束) The statement seems logical at the first sight, but after analized, it has several factors to be questionable.

There are no evidences or any experiences that can prove that international news on cover stories will cut the selling of one magzine.
（第一句总括，之后展开分析，结构很明确）Scads of factors contribute to deciding the destiny of magzines in the markets, including the contents, the arrangement of the structure and the look of the covers.  The  speaker's magzines were poorly sold probably because their selling mode is too simple or it lacks  proper way of publicizing. （这两句观点有一些重叠，如果可以合成一句或许更为清晰）Adimittedly, attractive cover stories raise the chance of the magzine issue to be picked up from piles of colorful books. But without real contents, special indeas on current events or perfect structure of pages, the magzine might just be put back.（这一句很生动哦~~） Even for those who have bought one issue, if the magzine doesn't enfold what they want, they might not choose this magzine any more. In this case, the decreasing of the international news doesn't make any differences.
Although the speaker offers the fact that the competing magzines are decreasing the number of cover stories ob（of，我觉得可能是笔误） international news, no evidences prove that the magzines are becoming better-sellers solely due to this act of the publisher. Even the magzine issues are popular after the decreasion, the publisher might have changed the magzine a lot-not just the cover stories- so that it fits more to people's taste. In addition, no one can deduct that the reason why the competing magzines decrease the number of cover stories on international news is that their magzines are poor-selling. （这句观点很好，之前都没想到。）They might just want to display more  news stories about other fields so that the magzines can be more perfect and attractive.

Since the foriegn bureaus are costing more, the speaker concludes that the situation will be improved by reducing the emphasis on international news. But the speaker ignores that the  foreign bureaus cost more probably because the situation of the countries where they are change.（我不太理解这一个短句的意思） For instance, the prices of stuff there is rising. Moreover, the foreign bureaus might have caught with some temporary problems that require more money to settle them down. All of this hardly has anything to do with the emphasis of the international news,（这个短句表达有些生涩，是否可以考虑换一个表达方式） and the situation would probably go worse if the foreign bureaus get less aid from the headquarters.

Therefore, it is insensible for the speaker to decide to decrease their emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying those stories on their magzine covers solely because（可以考虑把because换成另一个更有从属感觉的词，比如for之类的，这样句子的等级观念就强了） the magzines with an internationl-news-cover were not sold well and their foreign bureaus cost more. The cover stories of one magzine might devote to attract the readers, but a magzine becomes popular not just because of the cover-stories, or whether the cover is about the international news. To solve the problems, the speaker should consider more about the whole quality of the magzine so that they can make an appropriate amendment to improve the sale.

In sum, the speaker fails to find out the true reasons behind the fact that makes their magzines unpopular, and wrongly attributes all the responsibility to the international news and the cost on devotion to international report.
在文章的第一段我标了1和2，给我感觉是作者在第一小节就抛出了驳论点。但是后面的具体的展开却多了一点（竞争对手减少国际新闻的量）。
我觉得如果在第一小节也把这一点写进去的话，结构上面就更加严谨了。
另外倒数第二段可以考虑和在第二段或者最后一段里面。

——————————————————————————————————————————————————
楼主的这篇文章写得很好，真的！我是好不容易才挑出的毛病……因为我的单词水平很差，关于拼写方面的问题我就没办法解决了，所以请楼主包涵。
我觉得这篇文章条理很清晰，叙述也很到位，我就做不到很好的用英文把自己要说的表达出来。红色的部分是我觉得特别好的地方~~
如果有什么改的不对的地方，大家要告诉我哦~~
我还是个大菜鸟………………

使用道具举报