[a习作temp] argument203 [TSUBASA] by qtangtangs [复制链接]

qtangtangs
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电梯直达

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发表于 2009-7-5 17:44:04 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ARGUMENT203 - The following appeared in a newspaper feature story.

"At the small, nonprofit hospital in the town of Saluda, the average length of a patient's stay is two days; at the large, for-profit hospital in the nearby city of Megaville, the average patient stay is six days. Also, the cure rate among patients in the Saluda hospital is about twice that of the Megaville hospital. The Saluda hospital has more employees per patient than the hospital in Megaville, and there are few complaints about service at the local hospital. Such data indicate that treatment in smaller, nonprofit hospitals is more economical and of better quality than treatment in larger, for-profit hospitals."
WORDS: 507
TIME: 00:47:39
DATE: 2009-7-5 0:34:49

In this argument, the cause and effect relationship is far from reasonable. By giving the comparison between two different hospitals, including their size, location, the average length of a patient's stay, the number of the employees and the cure rate, the author draw a conclusion that smaller, nonprofit hospitals enjoys a more substantial and high-quality treatment than lager, for-profit hospitals seems logical.

However, none of the contents in the comparison leads to a direct and strong connection to the summing-up. To begin with, the average length of a patient's stay in small, nonprofit hospital in the Saluda is two day, while in large, for-profit hospital in the nearby city of Megaville is six days. This phenomenon has a reasonable explanation. People often go to the small hospitals for the mild illnesses such as fever, cough, and so on. Because they consider such small disorders will not turn into severe disease and are easy to cure. Besides, local hospitals always has less patients than the large famous hospitals thus will take less time than the larger ones to wait for seeing the doctors. In other words, usually residents just go to the smaller hospitals for the mild illnesses and hence will not take too much time to cure.

Moreover, precisely because that people go to the smaller hospitals for the indispositions, the cure rate in the Saluda hospital would be higher than the Megaville hospital--the lager, for-profit one, since larger hospitals always have a large number of operations, which may increase some risky and dangerous factors. While on the other hand, smaller local hospitals normally will transfer the patients who are under serious conditions to the larger hospitals, which are the places that have more professions and more advanced equipments. Therefore, the cure rate between the local hospitals and the larger hospitals can not be the strong proof to certificate the conclusion. Besides, due to reason that larger hospitals may have more patients than the local hospitals, it is surely that each patient may not have more employees, which, however, does not mean that the number of the Megaville hospital's employees is less than the Saluda's.

Even if I were to concede that maybe the Saluda hospital is more economical and of better quality than the Megaville hospital, there is still no evidence to certificate that all the small, nonprofit hospitals will enjoy the same situation as the Saluda hospital, and all the large, for-profit hospitals will suffer the same as the Megaville's. This may just be a specific example. Without more in-depth investigations conducted among more larger hospitals and more smaller local hospitals. The author can not give out such a verdict.

In sum, the conclusion that treatment in smaller, nonprofit hospitals is more economical and enjoys a better quality than treatment in larger, for-profit hospitals is lack of evidence. In order to support the point of view, the author should take more detailed and professional investigations in a comprehensive way, and the number of hospitals involved in these investigations should not be just one or two.

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terrali
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沙发

发表于 2009-7-9 09:08:05 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 terrali 于 2009-7-10 22:52 编辑

In this argument, the cause and effect relationship is far from reasonable. By giving the comparison between two different hospitals, including their size, location, the average length of a patient's stay, the number of the employees and the cure rate, the author draw a conclusion that smaller, nonprofit hospitals enjoys a more substantial and high-quality treatment than lager, for-profit hospitals seems logical.这个句子写得太长拉.全是逗号...建议拆俩,或者,用一个更紧凑的复合句

However, none of the contents in the comparison leads to a direct and strong connection to the summing-up. To begin with, the average length of a patient's stay in small, nonprofit hospital in the Saluda is two day, while in large, for-profit hospital in the nearby city of Megaville is six days. This phenomenon has a reasonable explanation. People often go to the small hospitals for the mild illnesses such as fever, cough, and so on. Because they consider such small disorders will not turn into severe disease and are easy to cure.上下两个句子,我读得很跳跃,用Because从句连成一个复合句怎么样? Besides, local hospitals always has less patients than the large famous hospitals thus will take less time than the larger ones to wait for seeing the doctors. In other words, usually residents just go to the smaller hospitals for the mild illnesses and hence will not take too much time to cure.最后一句话的理由和前面重复啊

Moreover, precisely because that people go to the smaller hospitals for the indispositions, the cure rate in the Saluda hospital would be higher than the Megaville hospital--the lager, for-profit one, since larger hospitals always have a large number of operations, which may increase some risky and dangerous factors. While on the other hand, smaller local hospitals normally will transfer the patients who are under serious conditions to the larger hospitals, which are the places that have more professions and more advanced equipments. 这个理由赞Therefore, the cure rate between the local hospitals and the larger hospitals can not be the strong proof to certificate the conclusion. Besides, due to reason that larger hospitals may have more patients than the local hospitals, it is surely that each patient may not have more employees, which, however, does not mean that the number of the Megaville hospital's employees is less than the Saluda's.

Even if I were to concede that maybe the Saluda hospital is more economical and of better quality than the Megaville hospital, there is still no evidence to certificate that all the small, nonprofit hospitals will enjoy the same situation as the Saluda hospital, and all the large, for-profit hospitals will suffer the same as the Megaville's. This may just be a specific example. Without more in-depth investigations conducted among more larger hospitals and more smaller local hospitals.这句话没有主语还是,这个句号本来是逗号? The author can not give out such a verdict.

In sum, the conclusion that treatment in smaller, nonprofit hospitals is more economical and enjoys a better quality than treatment in larger, for-profit hospitals is lack of evidence. In order to support the point of view, the author should take more detailed and professional investigations in a comprehensive way, and the number of hospitals involved in these investigations should not be just one or two.

总的来说,糖糖的A 写得中规中矩,四平八稳,但是我觉得还可以论述得更深一些,(还是更多一些?我不知道怎么说)
错误的地方再说详细些,举例再更有针对性,现在很多地方都是一笔带过了

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