[a习作temp] argument35 divine第七篇 [复制链接]

Divine
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-8-3 16:47:52 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 Divine 于 2009-8-3 16:59 编辑

TOPIC: ARGUMENT35 - The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.
"Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia."

In this argument, the author makes a prediction that the number of headache patients in Mentia will steadily decline due to a widely use of Salicylates in food industry as preservatives and flavor additives. To support this statement, the author cited a study of the relationship between the use of salicylates and headaches. However, the result of study doesn't strongly lead to the conclusion meanwhile his reasoning suffers from some serious flaws.

The study may have found some correlation between salicylates and headaches, but the author offers no evidence to show that this correlation is a causal relationship. Perhaps the decline in headaches they discovered in their participants is due to some medicine, or merely an improvement of circumstances.

Also the number of participants and the proportion of those who got rid of headaches during the twenty-year study is not given. What's more whether they eat food with salicylates remains to be seen. All of the above makes the assumption, namely salicylates in food works to reduce headaches, more unconvincing.

In addition, since the author points out that many foods are naturally rich in
salicylates, then why does headaches have been inflicting us for such a long time?
This fact from another aspect reveals the disability of the author's assumption.

Moreover, Even if we concede that salicylates do have some use in treating headachs. The author is still too quick to expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches in Mentia. No signs show that citizens in Mentia regularly eats food with salicylates, thus the prediction may be merely a guess. Also, the proportion of salicylates in food, whether as preservatives
or flavor additives is probably too small to make these food a good treatment for headaches. Finally, the author fails to exclude the possibility that some other chemicals in food could even cause or aggravates headaches. Hence it is clear that without a more careful examination, the prediction is not trustworthy.

To conclude, the argument do provides some information about a potentially useful chemical in treating headaches. However, the evidence he shows is far from enough to support his optimistic prediction of a decline in headaches.
To make this argument more convincing, the author is advised to do some deep research into the characteristics of salicylates. Clinical trials are also needed. After all, a false belief in the function of chemicals in food may be dangerous to people suffering from headaches, or any other diseases.

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Jeremie
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沙发

发表于 2009-8-5 12:33:35 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 Jeremie 于 2009-8-5 12:36 编辑

In this argument, the author makes a prediction that the number of headache patients in Mentia will steadily decline due to a widely(wide) use of Salicylates in food industry as preservatives and flavor additives. To support this statement, the author cited a study of the relationship between the use of salicylates and headaches. However, the result of study doesn't strongly lead to the conclusion meanwhile his reasoning suffers from(不知道可不可以这样用, 这个词的主观意义更重一些,文中作者不知道是自己有错误的.) some serious flaws.

The study may have found some correlation between salicylates and headaches, but the author offers no evidence to show that this correlation is a causal relationship.(这句略显Chinglish,前半句的意思可以不说,或者说同时发生不代表有causal relationship.意思是对的~~) Perhaps the decline in headaches they discovered in their participants is due to some medicine, or merely an improvement of circumstances.(可能原因可以展开几句,比如生活水平提高,习惯改善等等...)

Also the number of participants and the proportion of those who got rid of headaches during the twenty-year study is not given. What's more whether they eat food with salicylates remains to be seen(checked/examined…). All of the above makes the assumption, namely(不知可否引导从句) salicylates in food works to reduce headaches, more unconvincing.

In addition, since the author points out that many foods are naturally rich in
salicylates, then why does headaches have been inflicting us for such a long time? (这个批驳有些偏题的感觉,说道us自己了,不太基于材料. )
This fact from another aspect reveals the disability of the author's assumption.

Moreover, Even if we concede that salicylates do have some use in treating headachs. The author is still too quick(hasty) to expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches in Mentia. No signs show that citizens in Mentia regularly eats food with salicylates, thus the prediction may be merely a guess. Also, the proportion of salicylates in food, whether as preservativesor flavor additives is probably too small to make these food a good treatment for headaches. Finally, the author fails to exclude the possibility that some other chemicals in food could even cause or aggravates headaches.(不仅仅food,其他比如工作压力更大\环境污染等等也是反例.这几点有点拖沓. ) Hence it is clear that without a more careful examination, the prediction is not trustworthy.
个人觉得还有一点是,开头说S物质和阿司匹林同族. 但是同族不代表同化学性质, 这一点也可批驳, 而且也比较容易.

To conclude, the argument do provides some information about a potentially(最好不用,会被认为你承认了S物质的功效.) useful chemical in treating headaches. However, the evidence he shows is far from enough to support his optimistic prediction of a decline in headaches.(这句不错~~)To make this argument more convincing, the author is advised to do some deep research(貌似特指的话应该是可数名词) into the characteristics of salicylates. Clinical trials are also needed. After all, a false belief in the function of chemicals in food may be dangerous to people suffering from headaches, or any other diseases.

总体来说有点乱的感觉,是不是调换一下顺序会更顺畅一点. 第三个攻击点有点偏题,可以换一个.
语言有些不太通顺,需要改进. 大家都有Chinglish的问题, 要习惯转换思维吧.
想到的就这么多,欢迎讨论~

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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Divine
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板凳

发表于 2009-8-5 14:18:01 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 Divine 于 2009-8-5 14:19 编辑

多谢意见~这是修改版本请再拍下

In this argument, the author makes a prediction that the number of headache patients in Mentia will steadily decline due to a
widely use of Salicylates in food industry as preservatives and flavor additives. To support this statement, the author cited a study
of the relationship between the use of salicylates and headaches. The conclusion seems to be logical. However, the author have actually exaggerated the result of the study and made a hasty generalization.

The study may have found some correlation between salicylates and a decline of headaches. However, the fact that salicylates is of the same family as aspirin doesn't ensure that the former has the same benefit in treating headaches as the latter, perhaps salicylates can even cause headaches. Since twenty years are long enough for significant improvements in people's overall living conditions
and medical service level, the decline in headaches discovered in their participants is entirely possible to be a result of  these
changes other than salicylates. Also, details of the participants are not given. Perhaps there are only 20 people tested, and they all
live in the same town other than Mentia. Then perhaps their living habits have changed during the research, thus making them free
from headaches. They were young twenty years before and were in some occupations that demanded a irregular timetable, which raised headaches; now they are middle-aged and are doing some nine-to-five jobs, then it is the good habits that stopped  headaches.  Or perhaps the decline of headaches is due to a change in the local circumstance. For example, when the test began,
their town was in a period when construction of large buildings take place, and the headaches were caused by noises. After twenty years there is no place to set new buildings, and headaches just disappeared with noises.

Moreover, Even if we concede that salicylates do have some use in treating headaches. The author is still too hasty to expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches in Mentia. No signs show that citizens in Mentia regularly eats food with salicylates, it is possible that they only eat natural food due to the current trend. In this case the citizens could not have an access to salicylates. Also, the life pace and in Mentia may be gradually quickening, resulting in a higher living pressure. With most of the people struggling to live and worrying about themselves, the numbers of headaches could be even on the rise. Moreover, the age structure of Mentia is not given. Perhaps the number of the seniors is increasing, and more headaches would happen to them as a result of aging. In addition, because we all know that different kinds of patients needs different treatments rather than merely one chemical. it should be doubted whether the doctors in Mentia are adequate in treating headaches. If the answer is no, then the number of headaches may not decrease, since the patients could not get productive treatments. Even if the doctors are good enough, can the patients afford to see a doctor?  Maybe the poor is the majority Mentia, and the medical costs there are too high for them. If they can’t get treatments, it is almost impossible for the headaches to decline. Without ruling out these possibilities, it is improper for the author to make the prediction.

To conclude, the argument does provide some information about a possibly useful chemical in treating headaches. However, the evidence he shows is far from enough to support his optimistic prediction of a decline in headaches. To make this argument more convincing, the author is advised to do a deeper research into the characteristics of salicylates as well as the living conditions of citizens in Mentia. Clinical trials are also needed. After all, an overestimate of the function of chemicals in food may be dangerous to people suffering from headaches, or any other diseases.

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DidasW
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地板

发表于 2009-8-5 15:29:09 |只看该作者

觉得M这个地方都是穷人这样的例子不太束缚。
我总觉得好像副作用这种事情好像对药物来说蛮重要的，还有就是现在S又当食品添加剂了，服用量的加大有时候会和小剂量时候产生相反效果，比如说人体摄入碘就是这样一个例子。A总算写了3篇，慢慢还在摸索，仍不敢下笔改楼主的东西，只觉得倒数第三段那个句子They were young twenty years before and were in some occupations that demanded a irregular timetable, which raised headaches; now they are middle-aged and are doing some nine-to-five jobs, then it is the …………这个THEY前面好像该加几个词，不然感觉和前面没头没尾的……浅见。

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