[i习作temp] Issue88 by Eroko [复制链接]

Eroko
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电梯直达

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发表于 2009-8-5 08:51:35 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ISSUE88 - "Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."
WORDS: 522
TIME: 00:44:11
DATE: 2009-8-4 9:28:01

Since the first tool was invented, technology has been accompanying humankinds, and has been interacting with the society for an equally long period. It does exert great influence on the society, both customs and ethics, but it is still far from determining them. On contrary, technology is always developing under the influence of social ethics.
Technology does influent the society a lot. To analyze the mechanism how it modifies the society, history can help interpreting it. After the invention of steam engines, and, furthermore, the appearance of factories, city played a more important role than ever before, since a great amount of workers were demanded in such a producing environment. From then on, people were no longer circumscribed on the farming fields and tended to congregate in the cities, with a new life style, and then new customs, and the concept such as that women should focus on the housework had been altered a lot. The appearance of new technology, as long as it was taken advantage by the majority, it can influent the society by changing its structure and the life style of its individuals.
However, there are so many factors involved in the development of social customs and ethics that technology is by no means a determining factor. The history still tells us so. Nothing influences our lives more than internet in the twentieth century. Now we have already been getting used to send emails other than writing letters and post them. Nevertheless, the society still remains what it is. Even depending on the internet a lot, we still congregate together on festivals, and we still keep our family concepts. The social customs and ethics root so deeply in the soil of the culture and history that technology, no matter how tremendous the impact is, seems unable to turn over the traditions, at least, nowadays. Even considering changing it promotes, the alternation still depends on the background of society, just like the demand of greater productivity when steam engines was invented.
On the other hand, in the development history of technology, we can always find the ethics of society interfering, especially when it relates to the concept of life. The most typical example is the cloning. It has been various conferences discussing the problem and the justifiability of human cloning since Dolly was created. The reason why a technology contracts so much attention is that it is challenging the definition and dignity of life, especially when one is cloned by therapeutic purpose. And such confliction is not appearing in modern time only, since we all remember how anatomy and organ transplantation developed in different countries and different periods; such pursuits for science seldom meets no prohibition. Additionally, when developing new technology, the designing of experiments always have to consider the ethnics, which is defined by the contemporary society.
Technology acts as an active part of the society and influents the customs, ethics and even the whole history, but regarding it to be a determining factor is too assertive. Only by understanding technology is developed and exerting influence under specific social background and conditions can we understand such a relationship of them.

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sonicjam
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沙发

发表于 2009-8-5 14:19:45 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 sonicjam 于 2009-8-5 22:56 编辑

Since the firsttool was invented, technology has been accompanying humankinds, and hasbeen interacting with the society for an equally long period. It doesexert great influence on the society, both customs and ethics, but itis still far from determining them. On contrary, technology is alwaysdeveloping under the influence of social ethics.

Technology doesinfluent（influence） the society a lot. To analyze the mechanism how it modifiesthe society（？）, history can help interpreting it. After the invention ofsteam engines, and, furthermore, the appearance of factories（第二次工业革命前没有工厂？那是第一次吧。可以改成assembly lines流水线）, cityplayed a more important role than ever before, since a great amount ofworkers were demanded in such a producing environment（production environment生产环境）. From then on,people were no longer circumscribed on the farming fields and tended tocongregate（最好用被动） in the cities, with a new life style, and then new customs,and the concept such as that women should focus on the housework hadbeen altered a lot. The appearance of new technology, as long as it wastaken advantage by the majority, it can influent the society bychanging its structure and the life style of its individuals.

However, there areso many factors involved in the development of social customs andethics that technology is by no means a determining factor（前面已有个factor，这里用one就行）. The historystill（still表示当前仍在持续的动作，用also可能比较好） tells us so. Nothing influences our lives more than internet inthe twentieth century.（nothing有点绝对化，如果我说20世纪影响最大的是两次世界大战行么？改成last tens of years可能好些） Now we have already been getting used to sendemails other than writing letters and post them. Nevertheless, thesociety still remains what it is. Even depending on the internet a lot（depend是静态搭配a lot不太合适，可改为so/very much或者in a high degree）,we still congregate together on festivals, and we still keep our familyconcepts. The social customs and ethics root so deeply in the soil ofthe culture and history that technology, no matter how tremendous theimpact is, seems unable to turn over the traditions, at least,nowadays（这个逗号让人迷惑到底两个状语各修饰的哪个部分）. Even considering changing（changes？） it promotes, the alternation stilldepends on the background of society, just like the demand of greaterproductivity when steam engines was invented.
（那个Internet和前面一句有点跳跃；Email和后面一句逻辑联系也不太紧密，突然从特殊跳到一般有些突兀，你说“然而社会没有变”，读者会想只是一个Email而已你凭什么假定社会会因为这么个小东西而改变？那么这个转折有什么意义呢？后面root deeply那句话应该算个总结，而前面刚从特殊跳过来，这里缺少Transition word；最后的alternation我不知道你要表达的是什么意思，你查查字典看是不是你想表达的那个意思吧；而且这里凭空扯出来个background有点莫名奇妙，最后的“对更大生产力的需求”也是不知所云）

On the other hand,in the development history of technology, we can always find the ethicsof society interfering, especially when it relates to the concept oflife. The most typical example is the cloning（clone本身就是名词，不用定冠词）. It(There) has been variousconferences discussing the problem and the justifiability of human cloning since Dolly（加个说明比较好否则别人可能不知道是什么） was created. The reason why a（the这里该专指克隆了） technology contracts（attracts）so much attention is that it is challenging the definition and dignityof life, especially when one is cloned by therapeutic purpose（why治疗目的？我这个外行确实不懂，如果有深入就好了）. And suchconfliction(conflict就是名词，而且such后面的东西应该是具体的，要么a conflict要么conflicts) is not appearing（为什么用进行时？） in modern time only, since we all remember（表达有点Chinglish）how anatomy and organ transplantation developed in different countriesand different periods; such pursuits for science seldom meets noprohibition（why again?如果这里说是“人们的抗议”这个弯就很容易绕过来了，但突然到了司法层面就有点摸不着头脑）. Additionally, when developing new technology（伴随状语与主语不搭配）, thedesigning of experiments always have to consider the ethnics（ethics，中心词都写错会令rater很反感的）, which isdefined by the contemporary society.
（用了太多专业性的例子，虽然有些被人们所熟知，但是就普通人而言还是比较晦涩的，很多人都只知道个大概而没有系统性的了解，这时候你只是点到为止就会让别人很迷惑了，我们怎么知道你要说这件事的哪个方面呢？比如说你先说了“克隆人”这个大家都知道点，后面突然提到“治疗目的”是什么意思呢？克隆如何被用于治疗目的？还有后面的“解剖和器官移植”，器官移植可能大家都明白一点，但说到解剖我就不懂了，你是说动物解剖？尸体解剖？还是活体解剖？为什么解剖也会引起伦理问题？我想应该不只是我有这样的疑惑。你既然谈到自己专业的东西了，完全可以更细致的深入进去谈一个或两个例子，这时想象自己作为一个外行会希望看到作者怎么样的解释，怎么样让外行明白这些东西是怎么运作的；或者按照草版的说法，你可以把你的文章像白居易那样念给别人听，看别人对你的论证思路有什么疑惑，那么这些疑惑就是你的文章漏洞所在了）

Technology acts asan active part of the society and influents the（our更好） customs, ethics andeven the whole history, but regarding it to be（regard as） a determining factor istoo assertive（尽量少用be动词，显得很口语化很东方式的表达，参见无夏前辈告诫的第四条https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=693434）. Only by understanding technology is developed(developing？) andexerting influence under specific social background and conditions（两个并列词一会儿单数一会儿复数） canwe understand such a relationship of them.

523 words 以后记得段间空一行也就是两次回车

这个题目讲的是“not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics”，其实我认为其中包含了四点：influence/determine & customs/ethics，这么说来应该就是个2x2=4，而你只讨论了3点。其实我猜你的意思可能是说“技术不能影响道德伦理，更不用谈决定了”，但是你把两点混在最后一个正文段中仅用一个interfere概括了，这时候rater难免心存怀疑你是否遗漏了一点，其实你只用明确地再加上上面这句话就够了，这样让rater很清楚的看到你把4个方面都讨论过了。
文章段落结构上的问题大家都不多，主要还是正文中的论证逻辑不太清晰。然后用词问题很大，很多不是意思表达不准确，而是词性用错，这么一来就是语法问题了，别人看起来会很烦，最好以后多注意一下。
其实第一个正文段还不错，虽然二次工业革命的例子很浅显，但是就这一个问题基本上谈到位了。

P.S. 如果上面说的有什么错误或者有争议的地方请务必告诉我！谢谢！~

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