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[作文] 第一篇作文！跪求大家帮我修改！感激不尽！ [复制链接]

tomorrowly
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-11-30 23:20:15 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

还有12天就考试了，今天才开始练第一篇作文！反省的同时，跪求大家帮我修改！感激不尽啊！
任何任何话都可以说！任何任何意见都可以提！
大家尽情吧！

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regards this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience ,important for leaning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this ?

This issue of children’s education has always been a hot topic. Focused on whether children should do some paid work, this controversial issue is once again worth to be considered deeply. As far as I concerned , getting the children some paid work to do is beneficial for them as long as those works are not overloaded. There are many reasons to support my idea and here I list some of the most important.

What comes first is doing paid works do contribute a lot to the children’s growing up. It teaches children hard-working ,responsibility and independence. Nowadays, most children regards it nature to get money from their parents and the think making money is easy. However , when they become “workers” and use their working to exchange for money, they are getting to know money is not easy to make and they need to pay hard-working. At the same time , when they learn they need to work to get paid , they also learned that they should be responsible for what they do . That’s to say , the responsibility is taught to them during this progress. In addition, finishing work individually and getting paid is sculpture children’s personalities. Doing such work could make them grow to be more mature.

Besides the three important characters mentioned above, I do think that paid work is necessary to children because it expands their life experience and social contacts at the same time. Working ,even simple works that children do could improve their ability from various aspects . As everyone knows, communications skills and team work spirit are two key factors in today’s society , especially for children learning in schools. Working for paid is an effective way to learn these two abilities . I think such experience could not gained in class . So, paid work is positive to do .

However , as most people consider , I am a little bit worrying the negative factor of working for paid. For instance , it’s easy to appeal children’s attention from school studies. Many children are too young to arrange their time properly . Or works are over heavy which give children more pressure. Those are some serious problems we can not ignored. But , I don’t think children should not be allowed to learned more things as well as experience more colorful life just because of these reasons.

To sum up, I do support that children should do some proper paid work not only to learn more things that they cannot learn in school but to train themselves more responsible and independent. At the same time, children need to make a reasonable timetable for studies. Only when their works and studies reach to a balance , they can make their life successful.

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viecentpan	+ 5	感谢支持

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tomorrowly
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沙发

发表于 2009-12-1 12:27:12 |只看该作者

沉了，自己再顶！请大家帮帮我。。。。

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aloe882006
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板凳

发表于 2009-12-2 14:40:05 |只看该作者

感觉结构不错，第二段中间的表达有点Chinglish，另外就是一些语法错误了，比如
be beneficial to 有益于
appeal to 对…………有吸引力
hard-working ,responsibility and independence这三个并列词词性不统一
children regards 主谓一致的问题

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tomorrowly
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地板

发表于 2009-12-2 19:40:37 |只看该作者

3# aloe882006
啊！谢谢！谢谢！终于有好心来人我帮我了！
你提到的意见我都一一记在笔记本上了！
下来认真修改，下一篇练习的时候一定注意！

在此感谢！好人啊！！！！！

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viecentpan UID：2404029 viecentpan 当前离线最后登录 2013-9-30 在线时间 464 小时寄托币 3370 声望 189 注册时间 2007-9-23 阅读权限 5 帖子 16 精华 2 积分 1931 UID 2404029 禁止发言声望 189 寄托币 3370 注册时间 2007-9-23 精华 2 帖子 16 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	5楼发表于 2009-12-3 20:29:38 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽
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tomorrowly
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6楼

发表于 2009-12-3 20:33:39 |只看该作者

5# viecentpan
谢谢！谢谢！谢谢版主的帮忙！
我一一看了你帮我修改的地方，自己又整理出了一些相关的不足，已经补充在我的笔记上了哦！
真的非常感谢！
很有用很有用的建议呢！

呵呵，下次写了还来发麻你哦！
3Q先！~

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meteor0715
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7楼

发表于 2009-12-5 14:39:05 |只看该作者

getting the children some paid work to do is beneficial for them ---> youngsters will benefit form some paid work.
many reasons --> a host of reasons
It teaches children--> instill/ inculcate
我觉得第二段和第三段是不是可以合在一起，似乎都是在讲支持的观点，这样结构看起来好像更好一点。

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