[i习作temp] ISSUE 180 1006G[REBORN FROM THE ASHES组] [复制链接]

gromwell66666
UID: 2707998

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 6
寄托币: 103
注册时间: 2009-10-7
精华: 0
帖子: 1

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-12-1 22:15:20 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ISSUE180 - "Many problems of modern society cannot be solved by laws and the legal system because moral behavior cannot be legislated."
WORDS: 570
TIME: 0:57:16
DATE: 2009-11-28

The statement mainly demonstrates, in modern time, there are still some problems can not be solved by laws and the legal system, but my position is that the speaker is too pessimistic. The prosperity of a society has to be guaranteed by a just legal system, and the rule of law is the premise of democracy, thus, laws and legal system have a rooted connection with all the social problems.
With the rapid development of economy and technology, there are many problems emerge from the modern society. Consider, for instance, the racial discrimination, religious disputes, human, global warming and other social problems have become the obstacles which prevent people from entering an ideal world. The speaker may argue that mankind contains the evil identities, such as mankind is selfish and arrogant, greedy and narrow-minded. Thus, those dark sides are the sources of unsolvable social problems, no matter which kind of law has been made, and how just the legal system is. Even though the America owns one of the most just legal systems, it can not avoid the existence of domestic racial discrimination and the oversea wars. To some extent, the speaker's standpoint seems reasonable, but illustrating many problems cannot be solved by laws and the legal system is far-fetched.
On the one hand, the social prosperity which most people are enjoying today is the consequence of people keep transcending their inner flaws. In another word, except the nature of being selfish, greedy and narrow-minded, people, also, have been expressing their sympathy and love. The positive sides of human beings will, however, enhance the formation of laws and the just legal system, which will protect the weak groups and the common good. As mentioned above, the racial discrimination, in fact, is quietly eliminating from the American stage. Since through the unyielding struggle, African American assured their legal rights which made a first step to reach freedom and equality. Meanwhile, American legal system always delicately protects the women and minorities' rights, and the profound legal system has proved America is a distinct country which women and African American can also run for president.
On the other hand, if most people hold the view as the speaker does, the future of mankind is glooming. The laws are more than the words to regulate people, they are the moral standards which drawn from people's daily life. If there was a new social problem, there would be a law. Many problems of modern society are difficult to solve by laws represent we still have opportunity to fix those problems. What we need to do is making efforts and working hard to remove the loopholes from the flawed legal system. Consider, for example, the widespread HIV virus in different countries warned us what is presumed to be solved immediately is an efficient education system and a strong health insurance system. Yet, all those methods would become possible, if the legislators made the laws on those issues. Therefore, many problems could be solved by laws and legal system, but the premises are excellent governments and legislators.
All in all, when we face the rich get richer, the poor get poorer; when we turn on TV and watch the tragedy of all human beings; when there are still many heroes fight for the basic human rights, what we need is more than a just legal system, but we also need an introspective mind to judge our soul.

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
Napery	+ 2	40改了~180没给你改完真是对不住了~加油~~

总评分: 声望 + 2 查看全部投币

联合打到ETS是我们大家的责任，也是我们的使命！

回应
0

使用道具举报

Napery
UID: 2710990

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 1857
寄托币: 31401
注册时间: 2009-10-13
精华: 2
帖子: 968

沙发

发表于 2009-12-2 20:20:42 |只看该作者

TOPIC: ISSUE180 - "Many problems of modern society cannot be solved by laws and the legal system because moral behavior cannot be legislated."

The statement mainly demonstrates 加一个that, in modern time, there are still some problems can not be solved by laws and the legal system, but my position is that这里或许用in my opinion或者as far as比较好，避免和上句重复句式 the speaker is too pessimistic说悲观貌似有点严重了，毕竟作者说的是many而不是all. The prosperity of a society has to太绝对化了 be guaranteed by a just legal system, and the rule of law is the premise of democracy, thus, laws and legal system have a rooted connection with all the social problems.rooted connection这个没有很准确的从the premise这个地方传达出来。而且不要忘记了后面的moral behavior。

With the rapid development of economy and technology, there are many problems emerge from the modern society. Consider, for instance, 这两个重复了，去掉一个。the racial discrimination, religious disputes, 用Racial and Ethnic Inequality好了，刚好今天看了pooh的百宝箱，嘿嘿。 human 难道是说humanism？, global warming and other social problems have become[如果前面去掉consider这里没问题，如果去掉for instance这里可以改成个定语从句啥的] the obstacles which有点累赘了，删掉吧 prevent people from entering an ideal world.呃，理想化国度？不如用发达国家？ The speaker may argue that mankind contains the evil identities, such as mankind is selfish and arrogant, greedy and narrow-minded. Thus前后的因果关系貌似不明确啊, those dark sides are the sources of unsolvable social problems, no matter which kind of law has been made, and how just the legal system is我觉得还得老问题诶，law and legal system和social problems和dark sides的关系不明确，应该说“无论法律和法制体系多么的公正，也不易解决源于人类自身evil identies造成的社会问题”. Even though the America owns one of the most just legal systems这个说法有点绝对化了，而且私心来说我真不觉得美国的法制度很公正，呵呵。, it can not avoid the existence of domestic racial discrimination[我个人觉得种族歧视这个问题，历史根源性这个原因更重要，因此才会影响人们对不同皮肤人群的看法，而不是人们的evil identies造成的] and the oversea wars[同样的，国家利益、经济发展不平衡之类的一般容易引起战争]. To some extent, the speaker's standpoint seems reasonable, but illustrating 加个that many problems cannot be solved by laws and the legal system is far-fetched.你很喜欢这个词诶，突然觉得，你是不是喜欢用模板？

On the one hand, the social prosperity which most people are enjoying today is the consequence of people keeping 语法问题不少 transcending their inner flaws[既然上段想说人们自身的dark sides 我突然觉得上段或许可以说strong desire for superiority之类的例子，然后和这里知错就改的好孩子行为对比下下，嘿嘿. In another word, except the nature of being selfish, greedy and narrow-minded, people, also, have been expressing their sympathy and love.呃，表达有些奇怪，或许可以说人性本善？这貌似在宗教之类的里面是一个重说的common-sense观点吧 The positive这里可以不可以说bright？我也不确定 sides of human beings will, however, enhance the formation of laws and the just legal system, which will protect the weak groups and the common good. 为啥可以保护弱势群体和保证大众利益呢？还是个老问题吧，不具体，不支持。As mentioned above, the racial discrimination, in fact, is quietly eliminating from the American stage.我觉得，in fact还是木有消失的吧。 Since through the unyielding struggle, African American assured？换个词吧 their legal rights which made a first step to reach freedom and equality. Meanwhile, American legal system always delicately protects the women and minorities' rights, and the profound legal system has proved America is a distinct country which women and African American can also run for president.

On the other hand, if most people hold the view as the speaker does, the future of mankind is glooming. The laws are more than the words to regulate people, they are the moral standards which drawn from people's daily life. If there was a new social problem, there would be a law. Many problems of modern society are difficult to solve by laws represent we still have opportunity to fix those problems. What we need to do is making efforts and working hard to remove the loopholes from the flawed legal system. Consider, for example, the widespread HIV virus in different countries warned us what is presumed to be solved immediately is an efficient education system and a strong health insurance system. Yet, all those methods would become possible, if the legislators made the laws on those issues. Therefore, many problems could be solved by laws and legal system, but the premises are excellent governments and legislators.

All in all, when we face the rich get richer, the poor get poorer; when we turn on TV and watch the tragedy of all human beings; when there are still many heroes fight for the basic human rights, what we need is more than a just legal system, but we also need an introspective mind to judge our soul.

恩先改这么多吧，我觉得你的例子都不够支撑自己的论点，论点也都不够深入，表达很单调，用词也是不够精准。
或许先多看看资料，学习别人的经验呢。
还是老话，我是新人，别介意呀，嘿嘿。

我很好，不吵不闹不炫耀，不要委屈不要嘲笑，也不需要别人知道。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报