[a习作temp] [116G]风雨与共小组第一周作文作业 ARGU6 [复制链接]

xianyejiayu
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-12-15 14:14:30 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

ARGU 6

In this argument, the author reaches the conclusion that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a highly profitable industry. To substantiate the conclusion, the author cites evidences, such as famous jazz musician living here, as well as a national survey ,to represent jazz is prevailing in Monroe. However, relying on these evidence without examination ,the conclusion seems groundless.

Firstly, the author assumes that jazz is popular in Monroe. However, if in this case, why there is no club here? Actually, the author jazz club is 65 miles away entirely indicates the insufficient ardor among the residents.

Secondly, the author supposes that several famous musicians living in Monroe will guide the development of jazz industry here. However, it is entirely possible that the peaceful environment or the scenery here attracted them settled here. Without ruling out these alternatives, we cannot reach a conclusion that they will play jazz in M. Granted that the well-known musicians will play jazz in M, there is no evidence cited to present the residents are willing to play for the concert. Even though musicians would play jazz here, it is unwarranted to imply that they will play in C-Note club. Just depending on these famous jazz musicians living here, how can we establishing a club here will bring a tremendously profit for the company?

Thirdly, based on a national survey, the author claims that C-Note can undoubtedly make money. Yet, the national research cannot indicate the same condition in this location. Additionally, even if it is the case, fans spending nearly 1000per year on jazz entertainment, it doesn’t show that they would pay such a lot of money at the club, maybe they just buy some CDs for listening, or listening to radio programs instead. Lacking of such evidence to support these possibilities, It is hardly to come to the conclusion C-Note will surely benefit from it.

Finally, the author cites a evidence, such an amount of people participating the jazz concert, fails to represent that the people came here are all local residents. as well as, may the highest-rated radio programs attract people for its interesting stories or its humor hostess. If .in this case, we can hardly draw a conclusion C-Note will certainly make great profits as we expected.

To sum up, the argument is groundless and dissuasive. To strong it, clearer evidences must be cited to support the residents in M really have a great favor of jazz, whether they are willing to attend to our club, and the ability of affordable in M. To better evaluate the argument we would need more information about the potential market in Monroe of jazz club. We also need to precisely evaluate the exact costs of running this club.

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ggj_lll
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沙发

发表于 2010-12-22 20:21:43 |只看该作者

In this argument, the author reaches the conclusion that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a highly profitable industry.
To substantiate the conclusion, the author cites evidences, such as famous jazz musician living here [改成 that area], as well as a national survey ,to represent jazz is prevailing in Monroe. However, relying on these evidences [without examination] (这里要表达什么？)， the conclusion seems groundless. （最后一句不如改成：However the conclusion is groundless just relying on these invincible evidences because of the following flows.）

Firstly, the author assumes that jazz is popular in Monroe. However,
if in this case
[if that is the case], why there is no club here? Actually, the author jazz club is 65 miles away entirely indicates the insufficient ardor among the residents. [这句话只是你的推测，只是一种可能情况，所以语气要婉转，并且句子不完整，author 后面没有谓语动词，建议改成: Also, the jazz club mentioned in the argument is 65 miles away probably indicates the insufficient ardor among the residents.]

Secondly, the author supposes that several famous musicians living in Monroe will guide[改成enhance 更好] the development of jazz industry [改成the popularity of jazz 如何？ ]here. However, it is entirely possible that the peaceful environment or the scenery here attracted them [to] settled [settle down]
here [前面已经有了一个here，故这里的here可以省略掉]. Without ruling out these alternatives, we cannot reach a conclusion that they will play jazz in M. Granted that the well-known musicians will play jazz in M [可改成there避免与上句重复], there is no evidence cited to present the residents are willing to play for [改成attend] the concert. Even though musicians would play jazz here, it is unwarranted to imply that they will play in C-Note club. Just depending on these famous jazz musicians living here, how can we [assert that]establishing a club here will bring a tremendously profit for the company?

Thirdly, based on a national survey, the author claims that C-Note can undoubtedly make money. Yet, (probably) the national research
[我觉得还是survey比较贴切，虽然有点重复]cannot indicate
the same condition in this location
[reflect the condition in Monroe]. Additionally, even if it is the case, fans spending nearly 1000per year [$1000 per year] on jazz entertainment, it doesn’t show that they would
pay such a lot of money at the club, maybe they just buy some CDs for listening, or listening to radio programs instead. [改成：it does not show that they spend so much money at jazz club. Actually, it is possible that their expenditure mainly focuses on CDs.]

Lacking of such evidence(s) to support these possibilities, it is hardly to come to the conclusion C-Note will surely benefit from it.(本段最后一个攻击点很好，我就没有想出来，赞一个)。

Finally, the author cites a
[an] evidence, such an amount of people participating the jazz concert, fails to represent that the people came here are all local residents. (这个句子有两个谓语动词cites和fails，如果是并列句，中间应该有and，但我估计你在这里并不是想要一个并列句，建议改成：Finally, the author’s evidence showing a large amount of people participating the jazz concert last year, fails to represent that these people are local residents )
as well as[As well as好像一般不用句首，改成In addition], may the highest-rated radio programs attract people for its interesting stories or its humor hostess.
[整句改成：In addition, the reason for the high popularity of Jazz radio program is probably its interesting stories or its humor hostess. ]If [if 可以去掉]in this case, we can hardly draw a conclusion C-Note will certainly make great profits as we expected.

To sum up, the argument is groundless and dissuasive. To strong it, clearer evidences must be cited to support the residents in M really have a great favor of jazz, whether they are willing to attend to our club, and the ability of affordable in M. To better evaluate the argument we would need more information about the potential market in Monroe of jazz club. We also need to precisely evaluate the exact costs of running this club.

文章整体结构完整，并且作者的思路很开阔，找到了很多新颖的攻击点（我很羡慕），
在用词方面，我能体会到作者在用词多样化方面的努力，继续在这方面努力下去；

缺点：文章有些句式，用词方面有错误，需要改正；
作者的句式还可以多样化，可以用一些从句、倒装、分词短语作修饰语等等来使句式多样化。

个人意见，仅供参考。

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