[i习作temp] Issue48习作一篇，恳请各位大牛指正~ [复制链接]

Issue 48

As the statement showed above, the author thought that history was made by the ordinary people rather than the few famouse ones. However, we cannot ignore the existance of several leaders who give the direction to a whole period.So, I think we should pay attention to both the famous few and ordinary groups.

Dating back to our past world, we can easily find that some pioneer made key contributions for the development of our civilization. Because ordinary people couldn't be concious of what really restrict them while the leaders was aware of the situation of human civilization, so the leaders could discover the necessities that led to the development of ourselves. After imitaing people with the iridescent ideas, ordinary ones are imbued with advanced opinions, so they could struggle for their own and then the globe would go ahead with the light of gospel. Take Martin Luther for example, who initiated the Protestant Reformation. Seeing the pope accumulated money by letting people purchase sins, Luther put forward his own comprehension of the bible. Because he translated the Latin bible into German and composed a lot of hymns which created singing in church, Luther successfully spread the real content of the Bible to ordinary people. As citizens read about the Bible, they would understand what the ture meaning of the God was. People knowing the ideology of the Christ, pope couldn't delude christians as easily as before. So that the absolute authority of the church in the theology fields was reduced greatly, and the necessities of freedom and democracy were raised by europians, which finally helped europians went out of the drak medieval and stepped into a new era. Hence, the function of a leader in trends of history is significant.

Yet, although leaders are of great importance in arrow of time, the quotient of philistine in history is big too. Imagine that there is a philosopher who knows what kind of policy suits best to a country which needs revolutionary in emergency, but the people of the society are not willing to act as the philosopher constructs, can the society gain development? The answer is obvious. Therefore, as the actual progress of we beings was made by ordinary ones of an era, they are of responsibilities for the siginificant events and trends in history too.

As a consequence, we cannot say who made more contribution to the events and trends in history absolutely. Though we do need groups of people without indentities recorded to take real actions for our development, the leaders, I think, are of importance to give the direction of our progress.

(434 words)

As the statement showed above, the author thought thathistory was made by the ordinary people rather than the few famous ones. However, we cannot ignore the existence of several leaders who give the direction to a whole period(不能直接引导到改变历史，不如说直接点). So, I think weshould pay attention to both the famous few and ordinary groups.

Dating back
(Looking back) to our past world, we can easily find thatsome pioneers (many pioneerswho) made key contributions for thedevelopment of our civilization. Because ordinary people couldn't (语气是不是太强了) be conscious of what really restrict them (from happier life ? fromdeception?) while the leaders was aware of the situation of human civilization,so the leaders could discover the necessities that led to the development ofourselves. (是否应该理解成，只有少数人能完全看清现实，而这些人就成为了改变历史的领导者？Asmuch ordinary people will not be fully aware of their situation, few pioneerscome out and show the public necessities in need to improve their society) After imitating peoplewith the iridescent ideas, ordinary ones are imbued with advanced opinions,so they could struggle for their own and then the globe would go ahead with thelight of gospel. Take Martin Luther, who initiated the Protestant Reformation,for example (我认为放后面比较好). Seeing the pope accumulated money byletting people purchase sins, Luther put forward his own comprehension of thebible. Because (好多because，可以用点别的因为。或者用After?) hetranslated the Latin bible into German and composed a lot of hymns whichcreated singing in church, Luther successfully spread the real content of theBible to ordinary people. As citizens read about the Bible (As citizens can read the Bible on theirown,我认为应该是开始他们不能自主的理解圣经), they would understand what the true meaning of the God was. People knowing the ideology ofthe Christ, pope couldn't delude Christians as easily as before. So that the absoluteauthority of the church in the theology fields was reduced greatly, and thenecessities of freedom and democracy were raised by Europeans,which finally helped Europeans went out of the darkmedieval and stepped into a new era. Hence, the function of a leader in trendsof history is significant. (我认为，你的例子写的太详尽了，而且和论点的关联性不够强。可以考虑删减下，然后因为时间关系，有些句子我也没有仔细改。)

Yet, although leaders are of (show their) great importance in arrow of time, the quotient of philistine in historyis big too. Imagine that there is a philosopher who knows what kind of policysuits best to a country which needs revolutionary in emergency, but the peopleof the society are not willing to act as the philosopher constructs, can thesociety gain development? The answer is obvious. Therefore, as the actualprogress of we beings was made by ordinary ones of an era, they are ofresponsibilities for the significant events and trends in history too. (例子不好，为何不用四大发明？按说四大发明都是无名氏做出来的。很符合民众改变历史的论调。)

As a
(In) consequence, we cannot say who made more contribution tothe events and trends in history absolutely. Though we do need groups of peoplewithout identities recorded to take real actions for ourdevelopment, the leaders, I think, are of importance to give the direction ofour progress.

其实你可以先把文章放到word里进行拼写检查，然后自己再把句子什么的通一通。这样思路会更清晰一些。我认为你第二段展开的太长，为了详述一个例子，最后叙述的内容都有点偏离轨道的感觉；然后第三段又太短，可能是没有找到太合适的例子和理由吧。

因为时间关系，有些地方我也没有看的太仔细，而且我觉得应该修改的地方也不全然合理。只能说大家一起加油，好好准备。希望下一篇能写的更好！