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[习作点评] 【NINE小组】第十四次作业-by 陈懂 [复制链接]

winterfine
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电梯直达

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发表于 2011-9-15 18:16:16 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

67. Some people believe that society should try to save every plant and animal species, despite the expense to humans
in effort, time, and financial well-being. Others believe that society need not make extraordinary efforts, especially at
a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species.
Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your
reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views
presented.

It has been long argued that animals and plants are of great value to human beings and thus we should try to save the endangered species, but the question is that to what extent we should devote our efforts. As far as I am concerned, there is no need to save every plant and animal species.

Extinction is not an unusual event, it happens naturally and continuously as a result of competition between species. There is no point spending our limited resources saving the losers of the natural selection. Panda, as one of the most iconic endangered species on the planet, is nature's looser. To begin with, they do not want to mate, which means that they cannot have babies without the aid of Chinese zookeepers. Then, even the birth is successful, the newborn pandas can hardly survive their mothers' inability and careless when taking care of them. To my surprise, it has been said that zoologists are trying to save them at the expense of huge sums of money, they are considering applying techniques of test-tube baby to the reproduction of panda. When pandas lose interest in mating, when they no longer raise their own babies, it means to me that they want to die out. In this case, it is not worth our effort to save them.

As for the endangered species as a result of human activities, we should not devote resources to every single member of them, rather, a criteria determining which specie is of more value to us would be desirable. After all, we are providing protection for them only because their survival is beneficial to us. The idea of protecting endangered species largely derives from the consideration in our own interest. Some species are especially valuable because they have high commercial value. A special kind of reef in Florida, for instance, is protected since it serves as habitat for hundreds of species of fish, including the commercial species which are crucial for the local tourism industry. Others may prove important for their fundamental role in the stability of an ecosystem, which in turn improve the environment for people living nearby. Considering that our money is limited and that the cost would be great, it is impossible to save every specie in the world, accordingly, species of great value to us, like those mentioned above, should be made priority.

To sum up, not every species is worth being saved; our resources are scarce, we should not spend them on natural losers or species whose value are too low.

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winterfine
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沙发

发表于 2011-9-16 22:55:44 |只看该作者

Collectors prize the ancient life-size clay statues of human figures made on Kali Island but have long wondered how Kalinese artists were able to depict bodies with such realistic precision. Since archaeologists have recently discovered molds of human heads and hands on Kali, we can now conclude that the ancient Kalinese artists used molds of actual bodies, not sculpting tools and techniques, to create these statues. This discovery explains why Kalinese miniature statues were abstract and entirely different in style: molds could be used only for life-size sculptures. It also explains why few ancient Kalinese sculpting tools have been found. In light of this discovery, collectors predict that the life-size sculptures will decrease in value while the miniatures increase in value.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.
Merely based on molds discovered recently, the author's conclusion that Kali artists relied heavily on molds rather than techniques is questioning. What is more, the value of the sculptures does not depend on the techniques involved alone, questions about other influences need answers to evaluate the prediction.

The author needs to answer that whether the scientists can prove the relationship between the molds and the life-size sculptures. To begin with, the archaeologists fail to examine the date the sculptures and the molds were made. If further study shows that the molds were actually forged 100 years later than the statues, then the assumption that all statues were made by molds will become ridiculous. Furthermore, there must be some fundamental differences between the statues made by molds and these created by tools. In the author could precisely point out which features found on the statue can only be caused during the process of molding, his argument would be strengthened.

In addition, explanations regarding the miniature statues and sculpting tools remain questioning. It is mentioned that the style difference between small sculptures and statues of life-size is caused by the inability to use molds. Here, the author unfairly assumes that artists are unable to make precise depiction of statues by techniques and tools other than molding. Is that true? The author needs to give answers ruling out other possibilities leading to the phenomena. For example, the abstract style of the miniature statue may not be the consequence of artists’ lack of sculpting skill, but of its special purpose, such as portraying a god worshiped by local citizens on island. Evidence supporting reasons other than techniques undermines the author’s claim. Also, the fact that few ancient Kalinese sculpting tools have been found does not mean that they did not exist in large amounts. They could be discovered in the future, which weakens the conclusion.

What is more, the writer may have neglected other factors influencing the price when deciding the value of those sculptures. He needs to take into account questions regarding the number of the statues and their historical values. If tons of new miniature sculptures are discovered recently, the price will surely drop. In addition, if recent archaeological research shows that the life-size sculptures are the key to solve some crucial puzzles on the island and thus have considerable academic value, the price will undoubtedly increase.

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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板凳

发表于 2011-9-17 09:17:11 |只看该作者

Merely based on molds discovered recently, the author's conclusion that Kali artists relied heavily on molds rather than techniques is questioning. What is more, the value of the sculptures does not depend on the techniques involved alone, questions about other influences need answers to evaluate the prediction.

The author needs to answer that whether the scientists can prove the relationship between the molds and the life-size sculptures. To begin with, the archaeologists fail to examine the date the sculptures and the molds were made. If further study shows that the molds were actually forged 100 years later than the statues, then the assumption that all statues were made by molds will become ridiculous. Furthermore, there must be some fundamental differences between the statues made by molds and these created by tools. In（if） the author could precisely point out which features found on the statue（statues） can only be caused during the process of molding, his argument would be strengthened. 模子和等身雕像是否有关

In addition, explanations regarding the miniature statues and sculpting tools remain questioning. It is mentioned that the style difference between small sculptures and statues of life-size is caused by the inability to use molds. Here, the author unfairly assumes that artists are unable to make precise depiction of statues by techniques and tools other than molding. （我觉得题目的意思是，模子只能做精确细致的东西，不能做抽象的东西）Is that true? The author needs to give answers ruling out other possibilities leading to the phenomena. For example, the abstract style of the miniature statue may not be the consequence of artists’ lack of sculpting skill, but of its special purpose, such as portraying a god worshiped by local citizens on island.（所以我觉得这句也得改） Evidence supporting reasons other than techniques undermines the author’s claim. Also, the fact that few ancient Kalinese sculpting tools have been found does not mean that they did not exist in large amounts. They could be discovered in the future, which weakens the conclusion.

What is more, the writer may have neglected other factors influencing the price when deciding the value of those sculptures. He needs to take into account questions regarding the number of the statues and their historical values. If tons of（感觉有点夸张） new miniature sculptures are discovered recently, the price will surely drop. In addition, if recent archaeological research shows that the life-size sculptures are the key to solve some crucial puzzles on the island and thus have considerable academic value, the（ life-size sculptures'） price will undoubtedly increase.
还应该考虑影响雕像价值的其他因素

各段论点清晰，和要求照应的较好，倒数第二段感觉还要改改

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地板

发表于 2011-9-17 11:43:01 |只看该作者

It has been long argued that animals and plants are of great value to human beings and thus we should try to save the endangered species, but the question is that to what extent we should(我觉得应该是should we) devote our efforts. As far as I am concerned, there is no need to save every plant and animal species.
作者观点：不需要拯救每一种濒危物种。

Extinction is not an unusual event, it happens naturally and continuously as a result of competition between species. There is no point spending our limited resources saving the losers of the natural selection. Panda, as one of the most iconic endangered species on the planet, is nature's looser(我懂你的意思，但是我觉得这么表达不是太好). To begin with, they do not want to mate, which means that they cannot have babies without the aid of Chinese zookeepers. Then, even the birth is successful, the newborn pandas can hardly survive their mothers' inability and careless when taking care of them. To my surprise, it has been said that zoologists are trying to save them at the expense of huge sums of money, they are considering applying techniques of test-tube baby to the reproduction of pandas. When pandas lose interest in mating, when they no longer raise their own babies, it means to me that they want to die out我觉得这句话感觉有点。。觉得最好是从客观上说它们不能适应自然，繁衍自己blabla…. In this case, it is not worth our effort to save them.物种的灭绝是正常的，不应该用有限的资源去救那些自然选择的失败者。
举例是熊猫：熊猫自己都不想延续下一代，人们投入大量资源来维持这个物种。这个例子不是和主题句说的不应该保护自然选择的失败者相抵触了？
这个例子叙述的事实（不是作者后面的评论）与主题句刚好相反。这个例子感觉就削弱主题句了。
我觉得之所以要这么保护它，肯定是有理由的。。。这个例子放到“应该保护某些濒危物种”则个论点下面叙述会不会好点。

As for the endangered species as a result of human activities, we should not devote resources to every single member of them, rather, a criteria determining which specie is of more value to us would be desirable. After all, we are providing protection for them only because their survival is beneficial to us. The idea of protecting endangered species largely derives from the consideration in our own interest. Some species are especially valuable because they have high commercial value. A special kind of reef in Florida, for instance, is protected since it serves as habitat for hundreds of species of fish, including the commercial species which are crucial for the local tourism industry. Others may prove important for their fundamental roles in the stability of an ecosystem, (稳定生态系统，生态系统“改善人们周围的环境”/这个从句有问题)which in turn improve the environment for people living nearby. Considering that our money is limited and that the cost would be great, it is impossible to save every specie in the world, accordingly, species of great value to us, like those mentioned above, should be made priority.
对于因为人类活动而濒危的物种，我们应该有选择的投入资源来保护某些物种，因为它们对我们的生存有益。

To sum up, not every species is worth being saved; our resources are scarce, we should not spend them on natural losers or species whose value are too low.
总结

不好意思改晚了，我觉得主要是熊猫那个例子放那里不太好，其他都挺好的；相比我的我觉得我的思路太狭窄了。。
有不对的请指正，欢迎讨论~

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7楼

发表于 2011-9-21 23:58:16 |只看该作者

总评：4分左右，得益于有较清楚的中心论点及分论点，相应的例子。需要提高的地方是organization，可以用的方法是写提纲--简要列出论点及例子--写出来后花几分钟合理排序（中心论点要反映全文中心意思；段落的主题句要简明，一般放段首；例子要结合主题句意思，解释、支持）

陈懂同学第十二次作业｛点此链接｝与本次作业的优点，body中的每个分论点都有例子，这是好的写作习惯。
--BEN

【BEN:下面加下划线及大字体蓝字的句子为P or Sp（point or sub-point），读者（包括阅卷人）可以从中了解考生的观点及理由如何组织（organization）】

It has been long argued that animals and plants are of great value to human beings and thus we should try to save the endangered species, but the question is that to what extent we should(我觉得应该是should we) devote our efforts. As far as I am concerned,【BEN: "as.."这个说法中国同学用的太滥，建议另找一种表达法（可查考一些英文论文开头段）】there is no need to save every plant and animal species.

作者观点：不需要拯救每一种濒危物种。

【BEN: "there is no need to save every plant and animal species" 直截了当地立论是一种写法。（详细改法参看倒数第二段评论)需要注意的是下面的分论点要围绕中心论点用相关理由与例子支持。】

Extinction is not an unusual event, it happens naturally and continuously as a result of competition between species. There is no point spending our limited resources saving the losers of the natural selection.【BEN: 第二句用作本段主题句更合适。因为其他句子表达“没有必要用有限资源拯救某些在自然竞争中落败的物种”】 Panda, as one of the most iconic endangered species on the planet, is nature's l[o]oser(我懂你的意思，但是我觉得这么表达不是太好). To begin with, they do not want to mate, which means that they cannot have babies without the aid of Chinese zookeepers. Then, even the birth is successful, the newborn pandas can hardly survive their mothers' inability and careless when taking care of them. To my surprise, it has been said that zoologists are trying to save them at the expense of huge sums of money, they are considering applying techniques of test-tube baby to the reproduction of pandas. When pandas lose interest in mating, when they no longer raise their own babies, it means to me that they want to die out【怎么知道“they want to die out”? 这个句子建议删去，应顺着前半句，展开熊猫不产仔的后果。这样写的好处是客观叙述，显示学术写作的严谨。】. In this case, it is not worth our effort to save them.

分论点1：物种的灭绝是正常的，不应该用有限的资源去救那些自然选择的失败者。

举例是熊猫：熊猫自己都不想延续下一代，人们投入大量资源来维持这个物种。这个例子不是和主题句说的不应该保护自然选择的失败者相抵触了？
这个例子叙述的事实（不是作者后面的评论）与主题句刚好相反。这个例子感觉就削弱主题句了。
我觉得之所以要这么保护它，肯定是有理由的。。。这个例子放到“应该保护某些濒危物种”则个论点下面叙述会不会好点。
【BEN: 我的看法与原批改同学@夜猫的看法稍有不同。我认为，熊猫的例子可以用；要用得好，需要说明与分论点相关的理由，比如熊猫自己不争气，在自然竞争中落败（已提到），另外目前熊猫拯救项目耗费大量财政等资源，不划算。||OG上说不需要“right”answer，因而考生可以“批评”现有政策，但要提供理由支持你的论点】

As for the endangered species as a result of human activities, we should not devote resources to every single member of them, rather, a criteria determining which specie is of more value to us would be desirable.【这个主题句意思表达不清楚。建议用10 words左右的短句来简明表达本段中心意思，避免因从句用得不规范而影响句意理解，失分。】 After all, we are providing protection for them only because their survival is beneficial to us. The idea of protecting endangered species largely derives from the consideration in our own interest. Some species are especially valuable because they have high commercial value. 【这个例子用得贴切：）】A special kind of reef in Florida, for instance, is protected since it serves as habitat for hundreds of species of fish, including the commercial species which are crucial for the local tourism industry. Others may prove important for their fundamental roles in the stability of an ecosystem, (稳定生态系统，生态系统“改善人们周围的环境”/这个从句有问题)which in turn improve the environment for people living nearby.Considering that our money is limited and that the cost would be great, it is impossible to save every specie in the world, accordingly, species of great value to us, like those mentioned above, should be made priority. 【BEN:本段最后一句（绿字）很好地处理题目的复杂性，很适合当全文中心论点，建议移到首段（需要删减个别单词，简明些）。而本段应重在论述“重在拯救对人类有益的物种”（与上段熊猫(观赏性)等实际价值少的物种区别）】

分论点二：对于因为人类活动而濒危的物种，我们应该有选择的投入资源来保护某些物种，因为它们对我们的生存有益。

To sum up, not every species is worth being saved; our resources are scarce, we should not spend them on natural losers or species whose value are too low.
总结
【结尾段对首段中心论点复述（强调）。本段表达的意思与上段末句相同，因而建议把上段末句当作全文中心论点。】

问我，考我，检验我的话，以便改善你自己！

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