[i习作temp] ISSUE 12 求点评 [复制链接]

圆脸猫头鹰
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电梯直达

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发表于 2016-3-31 20:21:58 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

题目：
Governments should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted to a university but who cannot afford the tuition.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.
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12
Government should offer free education
3/31/16
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It is claim that government should spend some of money to donate any student who has been permitted to go to college but cannot afford the school fee. Given the reason that the school’s environment might be destroyed and government might be under a higher pressure if the policy was submitted, I don’t agree the claiming.

I have to admitted that there might be some advantage for more students to go to college. Because some intelligent students could also attend the college without enough money, we could build a more fare society and our society will become more peaceful. However, the money is paid by the government or the universities. And how do government or universities get their money? From other people through tax and school fee. So we could draw a conclusion that it is others that paid for these students. We could make sure that everyone is willing to use their money on that thing. Because the amount of money is limited, we might have more space to spend it, such as the social building or the safe grand. When we spend our money on the children who cannot afford to attend university, we could make sure that these children will be good for our society in the future.

An university is a small society, and we should make sure that the society have a great environment which could encourage us to be more willing to study and enhance our skill, like logical reasoning. And I hold the opinion that if a bunch of children who lack of enough money get into the university, the whole environment might change and we couldn’t make sure that the change is positive. For example, because these poor children couldn’t have enough money to join the social activity with other students, they might be form a small circle for themselves. As a result, the whole group of the university might be broken. What’s worse, if other students sometimes joke to these poor guy, there might be some conflicts between them. It’s true there might be some talent and poor students could finish their whole learn, but we couldn’t make sure that all poor students who has been admitted have the ability to join in the different environment for them.

In sum, we should discuss the policy in a broaden viewing because the impact of changing couldn’t be clearly in a short turn. In order to make more students could attend the university, we might could cut of some of its fee instead of make them all free. We might alleviate some conflicts by doing the thing.
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对于整个社会是负担
对于学校稳定的氛围可能是个挑战
可以减少学费而不是全部免费
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圆脸猫头鹰
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沙发

发表于 2016-3-31 20:23:18 |只看该作者

写完之后看了王老师的范文，差距好大……

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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若如此
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板凳

发表于 2016-3-31 23:42:46 |只看该作者

整篇文章读下来第一感觉是语句有点怪怪的, grammar error 有点多, 如果对长句不熟练可以不必用那么多.
尽量把主动语态换成客观的, 比如 I we, 换下用法, 而且主观的语气造成了文章不太连贯.
第一段: I don’t agree the claiming. 多大程度上不同意? 你没提到
第二段: So we could draw a conclusion that ..这里, 就通过前面一点点内容就draw a conclusion? 未免太草率了

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