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[a习作temp] agument 52 （architecture students） [复制链接]

sls
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2004-11-7 12:21:46 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

argument 52
题目：我把攻击点大概画了一下
The following appeared in a memo to the human resources manager at Baobob Inc., a large architectural firm
Several well-known, retired architects were interviewed in Architecture Today about changes in the field. Only one had earned a college degree in architecture. All others had come into the field at an early age by serving apprenticeships that required them to work under the direct supervision of an experienced architect. (1)// Several of the colleges that we recruit from report that many promising architecture students leave school early in their undergraduate career. (2)//Therefore, because finding talented architecture graduates is becoming more difficult, Baobob Inc. should start an aggressive apprenticeship program and hire students who express an interest in architecture directly out of high school rather than wait for them to get out of college.'
（3）start apprenticeship 要考虑的成本。
In this argument, the author, the human resources manager at Baobob Inc., suggests his company starting an apprenticeship program in order to get promising architects. Though his argument well presents and seemly logical at first sight, however, can't stand up to scrutiny for its several apparent flaws.

To begin with, the interview of Architecture Today (AT) is a poor reason. Common sense tells us that "several" doesn't equate to "the whole". It is possible the AT happens to invite only one architect who graduated from college in this program while in a large area, say, the whole nation, architects who have had college certificates account for the majority. Then the manager's conclusion from it can't explain the general situation in a nation. Admitted the proportion of the architects graduated from college in the interview represent the situation of the whole nation, the manager's conclusion still worth questioning. As we can see, there is an large time lag between the time when those retired architects were young and today. Great changes would took place during such a long period. Perhaps in that time only a few colleges offered architecture education while apprenticeship played an important role for young people to learn the skill. Then the unbalanced ratio of college educated architects is no longer surprising. what's more, it is also entirely possible that this interview in AT itself is also to compare the situations of the two kinds of architects but intend to reveal that college educated architects are more able and successful than those without. If so, the author's conclusion is quite absurd. Hence, in order to justify his conclusion, the author should provide more details about the interview on AT.

In addition, even if the conclusion the manager draws from the interview has validity, his suggestion is still unwarranted. First, to believe the report of several colleges is a fool deed, because the report doesn't provide the reasons why those architecture students left colleges as well as where they had gone. It is quite possible that though some promising architects students left, the majority ones were still at colleges. Then the manager's conclusion that "finding talented architects is becoming more difficult " is ungrounded; Or those who left only wanted to enter other companies beside architectural firms, so even the company set up an apprenticeship, they rarely can get promising students.

Furthermore, even I concede the manager’s finding that it is becoming hard to find promising architecture students is true. It is still not necessary for the company to set up an apprenticeship. He must weigh the benefits against the cost. As we know, such a program needs money and labors. It is possible that those students don't keep a high loyalty and might shift to another company after the program. In this case, manager's efforts will result in vain. Hence, then manager should carefully consider the situation and not so hastily make a decision

To sum up, the manager's recommendation relies on certain doubtful assumption and ill-logical reasoning. Only if more information provided about the validity of the interview and the report, we could not accept his conclusion to set up an apprenticeship.

(512)
个人感觉：1 文章结构不舒服，二段太长了。但是有着么多压
2 我的语言中太多的“conclusion”“it is”谁能帮我改下？我自己也受不了了。
3 我的字数是不是太多了。
大家帮忙改下，先谢了：）））

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fishergirl
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沙发

发表于 2004-11-7 12:57:38 |只看该作者

没有仔细看你的全文，首先给几个小建议吧。

1，不能直接把作者定位成男性，在文中要尽量避免直接涉及性别的词。无法避免就要囊括男女性，如：he/she

2，不要用简写，can't最好改成cannot，what's more改成what is more。这样显得正式一些。

3，三个主体段落最好能够平衡一下，避免头重脚轻。

4，字数多少不是问题，能够有话说当然是好事:)

一步步向目标前进中！

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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lakeqian
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板凳

发表于 2004-11-9 02:50:02 |只看该作者

无法避免就要囊括男女性，如：he/she
好像可以写成 s/he 但是我没用过哦，不知行不行。
性别问题还是要注意Di.

语言。。。还是要练练。。。参考前人总结de 模版

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sls
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地板

发表于 2004-11-9 12:33:25 |只看该作者

恩－－－－悉听教育能帮我指明哪些方面吗 A 词语 B 句子结构 C 句子间连接关系 D 论证不清晰 E 以上全部～～～ F 其他

请砸我把我真的需要指点。

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sls
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5楼

发表于 2004-11-9 12:36:31 |只看该作者

To lakeqian

但是我看勒前人的文章，都是自己一套，而不是照统一的模板。

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Dendis
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6楼

发表于 2004-11-10 17:19:59 |只看该作者

先提醒一下发贴格式：argument和题号之间不用空格，具体可以再看看needle的帖子

帮你理一下这道题的思路，如果是我的话我会这样展开：

首先对interview的有效性进行置疑，这是首先的考虑

然后承认有效，但是进一步反驳个体能够代表整体吗？过去能够推知未来吗？等等

最后再次让步，即使有问题，但是一定是通过文中的方案解决吗？有其它方法吗？等等

注意我的思考逻辑和顺序，是一种层层深入的方式，这样比较有攻击力

你的大致想法还是不错的，继续努力，注意结构的有效衔接！

模板问题的话可以先参照使用一些自己比较顺手的结构，用长了就会有自己的一套，argument经过一定时间的练习会有很大提高的，＋U！！！

If I'm who I am because I'm who I am and you're who you are because you are who you are, then I'm who I am and you're who you are.

If,on the other hand, I'm who I am because you're who you are, and if you are who you are because I'm who I am, then I'm not who I am and you're not who you are.

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lakeqian
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7楼

发表于 2004-11-11 02:14:06 |只看该作者

Though his argument well presents and seemly logical at first sight, however, can't stand up to scrutiny for its several apparent flaws.
语法问题。

the interview of Architecture Today (AT) is a poor reason不是模版但是幼稚。Common sense tells us that "several" doesn't equate to "the whole".不是模版但是幼稚。

time lag 重复fool deed？？It is quite possible 重复使用。换。

论述不太清楚，语言不够好。

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