[a习作temp] argument10 花了好久时间来写的菜鸟,多多指教，不胜感激 [复制链接]

egreat
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电梯直达

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发表于 2006-2-9 22:19:37 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

The editor of the Batavia newspaper concludes that it's necessary of the Batavia government to prevent farmers from continuing to receive excessive profits on an apparently increased supply of milk by means of regulate retail milk prices in order to ensure both lower prices and an adequate supply of milk for consumers. To substantiate his or her suggestion, the arguer provides a survey that the number of dairy farms throughout the country is now 25 percent greater than it was 10 years ago along with the price of milk at the local Excello Food Market has doubled to $3.00 per gallon. A careful examination of the argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is. The arguer fails to present convincing evidence that the farmers are receiving excessive profits.

It's a fact that during the past ten years the number of dairy farms throughout the country is greater However, the increasing of number of dairy farms do not say loud of increasing of supply of milk. If the number of cows decreased in each dairy farm with a rise of number of dairy farms throughout the country, the total amount of milk produced nationwide which is the product of the two factors is undetermined. Moreover, it’s reasonable that with a population rise the number of dairy farms or the amount of production of milk rises, however, result in a decrease of supply of milk individually.

Merely sites the data of a certain place of local Excello Food Market which cannot represent the whole area is inadequate. In to first place, it’s quite possible that only a few Markets or even Excello Food Market only has raised the price of milk. Even assuming the price of milk nationwide is all the same with the one of Excello Food Market, it's also unconvincing that the farmers have received excessive profits. The cost of breeding cows might have increased more than the increasing rate of price of the milk. Also, it's probably the living condition increases, or the inflation, contribute to the increasing price of milk. If so, in spite of farmers have earned more from the dealing of milk, it’s also reasonable.

Finally, the marketing itself trends good condition. In some degree, it can heal itself. When the market shows a shortage of some certain goods, the price of the goods will rise. In contrast, the price will set with one kind of goods’ sufficiency. Therefore, even it's the farmers' false, it's not necessarily to do anything to the marketing but let it go for a period.

In summary, the writer fails to establish any causal relationship between his or her claim and the evidences provided. For a stronger argument, the writer would need to directly put forth evidence to indicate exact how much profits have the milk suppliers got. A more convincing survey throughout other areas should be made.

[ 本帖最后由 yogurt4 于 2006-2-10 00:56 编辑 ]

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BubbleAngel
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沙发

发表于 2006-2-9 22:25:58 |只看该作者

首先我说下总的哦
总体看上去，各段不是很平均的样子，尤其是倒数第二段，应该写多一点哦
还有就是，“据说”最好是5段，那你第二段可以化为两段来说，然后中间就有三段啦

还有就是总体的字数似乎少了一点哦。。。

第一次写，没关系的。。。。

我继续看看内容~~~（我只是挑了不好的地方说的哦~~呵呵）

To Make Each Day Count!
*It is better to light the candle than to curse the dark*

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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shenxin
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板凳

发表于 2006-2-9 23:50:29 |只看该作者

The editor of the Batavia newspaper concludes that it's necessary of(for) the Batavia government to prevent farmers from continuing to receive excessive profits on an apparently increased supply of milk by means of regulate retail milk prices in order to ensure both lower prices and an adequate supply of milk for consumers. To substantiate his or her suggestion, the arguer provides a survey that the number of dairy farms throughout the country is now 25 percent greater than it was 10 years ago along with (as well as)the price of milk at the local Excello Food Market has doubled to $3.00 per gallon. A careful examination of the argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is. The arguer fails to present convincing evidence that the farmers are receiving excessive profits.(多余了）
（从第一段的总体感觉看，稍微有点长，在给出论者观点时最好短一点，文章不复述完全是没关系的，尽量概括吧。）

It's a fact that during the past ten years the number of dairy farms throughout the country is greater However, the increasing of number of dairy farms do not say loud of increasing of supply of milk. If the number of cows decreased in each dairy farm with a rise of number of dairy farms throughout the country, the total amount of milk produced nationwide which is the product of the two factors is undetermined. Moreover, it’s reasonable that with a population rise the number of dairy farms or the amount of production of milk rises, however, result in a decrease of supply of milk individually.
（这段是在说supply的问题，两个point基本都看懂了，第一个point显得有点拖沓，是不是这样写：If the number of cows per farm decreased though there is a raise in the number of the farm, the total supply nationwide is still undetermined.)

Merely sites(cites) the data of a certain place of local Excello Food Market which cannot represent the whole area is inadequate. In to first place, it’s quite possible that only a few Markets or even Excello Food Market only has raised the price of milk. Even in assuming the price of milk nationwide is all the same with the one of Excello Food Market, it's also unconvincing that the farmers have received excessive profits. (你需要攻击的是本段首句的代表性问题，不能引到别的问题上去，这个profit的问题可以另开一段）The cost of breeding cows might have increased more than the increasing rate of price of the milk. Also, it's probably the living condition increases, or the inflation, contribute to the increasing price of milk. If so, in spite of farmers have earned more from the dealing of milk, it’s also reasonable.

Finally, the marketing itself trends good condition. In some degree, it can heal itself. When the market shows a shortage of some certain goods, the price of the goods will rise. In contrast, the price will set with one kind of goods’ sufficiency. Therefore, even it's the farmers' false（sake）, it's not necessarily to do anything to the marketing but let it go for a period.
（这段是想说调整没有必要吧，可以更加深入地说一下调整后可能的后果，充实文章）

In summary, the writer fails to establish any causal relationship between his or her claim and the evidences provided. For a stronger argument,（To strength the argument，） the writer would need to directly put forth evidence to indicate exact （ad）how much profits have the milk suppliers got. A more convincing survey throughout other areas should be made.
（末段有点乱，没有有序总结上面提出的问题）

总体觉得首段过长，导致有点头重脚轻，文章的问题确实都抓到了，但是没有进行有序的整理规类。

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