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[求助] 作文求拍~No.76 [复制链接]

crisissun
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2007-7-16 23:13:08 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

76. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

A wit once remarked that every coin has two sides. Whether or not children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school is an issue, as it were, which not only has two sides, but also has generated a heated debate. With the proponents claiming that to lead children learning a foreign language in the most efficient way, they should learn it at the beginning of school. On the other hand, the opponents claiming that children should spend their precious school time to study something more technical, such as piano, basketball, or computer, for a comprehensive development. As far as I am concerned, however, it is an issue which I would like to treat the both sides equally before offering personal ideas.

The main reason why those people lend their supports to the positive opinion is that they regard the early period of children's life as the best time to learn a foreign language. Actually, it is an undeniable fact that a man's learning ability is at his best when he was young, so is the status of his memory. In their points of view, therefore, It is absurd to develop children's other skills instead of learning a foreign language. For example, it is obvious that if I am at my best time to do some sports, such as basketball, due to my excellent body condition, why would I do the practice for math?

For the people who oppose this idea, the necessity of developing some other skills for kids is the prime reason. Studying something, which is more complicated than language, is indispensable for children's future development. Otherwise, as a vast and varied country, especially a developing country, the elite we need is not only excellent linguist, but also outstanding athlete, brave soldier, and talented architect. In other words, learning foreign language is just a tiny part of one's life, people can also develop something more useful, or special, at their best time of learning, which is the beginning of school.

In summary, it is very likely that people will never come to the same conclusion on this controversial issue that children should start studying a foreign language as soon as they attend school or not due to their different experiences and conflicting values, and the public awareness on various dimensions of this issue discussed in the above argument will certainly contribute to thorough understanding of this problem. Moreover, if I were someone's parent, I would give a chance to my kid to decide it by his or her own.

[ 本帖最后由 sissilei 于 2007-7-17 13:19 编辑 ]

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specter01
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沙发

发表于 2007-7-16 23:26:28 |只看该作者

kk

kkj

天子呼来不上船，自称臣是酒中仙！

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crisissun
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板凳

发表于 2007-7-17 11:05:00 |只看该作者

自己顶一下~

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00夏花
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地板

发表于 2007-7-17 11:49:41 |只看该作者

76. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.A wit once remarked that every coin has two sides. Whether or not children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school is an issue, as it were, which not only has two sides, but also has generated a heated debate. With the proponents claiming that to lead children learning a foreign language in the most efficient way, they should learn it at the beginning of school. On the other hand, the opponents claiming that children should spend their precious school time to study something more technical, such as piano, basketball, or computer, for a comprehensive development. As far as I am concerned, however, it is an issue which I would like to treat the both sides equally before offering personal ideas. 不知怎的，总感觉开头最好简洁些。 The main reason why those people lend their supports to the positive opinion is that they regard the early period of children's life as the best time to learn a foreign language. 这个地方和前面开头部分似乎重复，所以个人认为前面开头应简练概述。Actually, it is an undeniable fact that a man's learning ability is at his best when he was young, so is the status of his memory. In their points of view, therefore, It is absurd to develop children's other skills instead of learning a foreign language. For example, it is obvious that if I am at my best time to do some sports, such as basketball, due to my excellent body condition, why would I do the practice for math?
这一段没有表达自己的观点吧。。似乎有些偏离主题。 For the people who oppose this idea, the necessity of developing some other skills for kids is the prime reason. Studying something, which is more complicated than language, is indispensable for children's future development. Otherwise, as a vast and varied country, especially a developing country, the elite we need is not only excellent linguist, but also outstanding athlete, brave soldier, and talented architect. In other words, learning foreign language is just a tiny part of one's life, people can also develop something more useful, or special, at their best time of learning, which is the beginning of school.感觉论证不太具体详细，虽然是分了条理，但仍稍显单薄。 In summary, it is very likely that people will never come to the same conclusion on this controversial issue that children should start studying a foreign language as soon as they attend school or not due to their different experiences and conflicting values, and the public awareness on various dimensions of this issue discussed in the above argument will certainly contribute to thorough understanding of this problem. Moreover, if I were someone's parent, I would give a chance to my kid to decide it by his or her own. 这句说出了自己的心声，可是为什么是在最后？

总体来讲，建议楼主把握好作文的评分标准和写作要求，要让读者觉得，你这是在发表自己的观点，而非讨论和评价别人的观点，有些句子比如结尾的it is very likely that people will never come to the same conclusion on this controversial issue that children should start studying a foreign language as soon as they attend school or not due to their different experiences and conflicting values本人认为可以删去，因为人家并没有让你去分析这个问题为什么存在分歧。
开头和结尾没有必要写太多，简练和点到为止即可，老美不喜欢看又长又复杂又没有观点的句子，楼主的语言不错了，如果要想再进步的话，应该好好考虑充实文章的内容。

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crisissun
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5楼

发表于 2007-7-17 12:14:36 |只看该作者

回复 #4 00夏花的帖子

非常感谢楼上的宝贵意见,我会认真斟酌和修改的.:handshake

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vitamin-ac
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6楼

发表于 2007-7-17 12:14:46 |只看该作者

夏花同志好人啊～

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tonymumlin
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7楼

发表于 2007-7-17 12:32:08 |只看该作者

先声明一下,我没参加过TOEFL考试, 也写不出楼主这么复杂的句子:L :L . 但请看在我在加2年,现泡学校一年的份上,而且写过6篇10-页以上的ESSAY,听我罗嗦几句.

无论写MEMO,还是ESSAY,还是其他的什么, 最重要的是主题清楚. 要求是你的观点,所以你要先表达你的观点,然后就你自己的观点做ARGUMENT,不是和别人比较.一般4段就不错.

第一段表明你的观点,综述一下

第2和3段就是你的SUPPORT IDEA和EXAMPLE.

最后要有CONCLUSION,也就是和第1段重复一下,不要有任何新的观点在内,也不要用同样的句子.

最关键的是每个PARAGRAPH至少要有3句完整的句子才算一个PARAGRAPH, 绝对不要用一句话就做一个段落!!!

[ 本帖最后由 tonymumlin 于 2007-7-17 12:39 编辑 ]

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crisissun
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8楼

发表于 2007-7-17 12:50:21 |只看该作者

回复 #7 tonymumlin 的帖子

你说的很对,应该观点鲜明.

TOEFL IBT的作文迄今为止,全部是agree or disagree的类型,针对这样的出题,写作思路基本会分成支持,反对,中立这三种观点,我正在练的这个就是中立态度的观点.

可能我的文章里面套话比较多,俗称"模版"了,这是为了写起来方便.

之前一次考试,我用的就是这个模版(很初级的版本,没有复杂的句子,倒装和插入语),评下来的分数是5.0(6分满分).现在想写一个更加丰满一点的(加强版的),主要是为了试验其可行性.经大家的分析和建议,发现加强之后的文章,确实句子更加复杂了,但是模版的内容更多,文章本身的内容反而不够饱满.

非常感谢大家,我会回去继续研究修改.:handshake

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tonymumlin
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9楼

发表于 2007-7-17 13:08:08 |只看该作者

写文章的套路是很基本很简单的, 但句子要用各种句型:简单, 复杂, 并列什么的.

PS,曾经我把一篇TOEFL作文的模版文章当作业交上去了,其实就是想看看中国人写的模版在老外眼里如何. 结果老师给我改的比我自己以前写的还多. 从那时开始, 我才明白, 看中国人写的模版只能选择. 老外和我们的思路和用词语法习惯还是有差别的.

祝你好运!

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四海为家06
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10楼

发表于 2007-7-18 08:52:49 |只看该作者

76. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

A wit once remarked that every coin has two sides. Whether or not children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school is an issue, as it were, which not only has two sides, but also has generated a heated debate. (觉得这个开头更简洁些更好)With the proponents claiming that to lead children learning a foreign language in the most efficient way, they should learn it at the beginning of school. On the other hand, the opponents claiming that children should spend their precious school time to study something more technical, such as piano, basketball, or computer, for a comprehensive development. As far as I am concerned, however, it is an issue which I would like to treat the both sides equally before offering personal ideas. The main reason why those people lend their supports to the positive opinion is that they regard the early period of children's life as the best time to learn a foreign language. 这个句子让你读起来觉得累,可以适当精简些,把和前面重复的意思用代词代过即可Actually, it is an undeniable fact that a man's learning ability is at his best when he was young, so is the status of his memory. Intheir points of view, therefore, It is absurd to develop children's other skills instead of learning a foreign language. For example, it is obvious that if I am at my best time to do some sports, such as basketball, due to my excellent body condition, why would I do the practice for math?
For the people who oppose this idea, the necessity of developing some other skills for kids is the prime reason. Studying something, which is more complicated than language, is indispensable for children's future development. Otherwise, as a vast and varied country, especially a developing country, the elite we need is not only excellent linguist, but also outstanding athlete, brave soldier, and talented architect. In other words, learning foreign language is just a tiny part of one's life, people can also develop something more useful, or special, at their best time of learning, which is the beginning of school.文章强调的是你自己的观点,觉得这方面你讲的太少了 In summary, it is very likely that people will never come to the same conclusion on this controversial issue that children should start studying a foreign language as soon as they attend school or not due to their different experiences and conflicting values, and the public awareness on various dimensions of this issue discussed in the above argument will certainly contribute to thorough understanding of this problem. Moreover, if I were someone's parent, I would give a chance to my kid to decide it by his or her own.

总体来看,作者是花了时间斟酌字句的,但由于不够具体而显得有些无力,建议去读读OG的范文,那些范文虽然没有特别突出的词句,但很具体,这也体现的要求中的SPECIFIC一词
另外建议楼主尽量谈自己的观点,涉及到和别人的观点比较或用别人的观点来衬托自己观点的情况时,也应该以自己的观点为主

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