[i习作temp] ISSUE171 我的第二 [复制链接]

binghuoshenlong
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-2-27 19:19:25 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 binghuoshenlong 于 2010-2-27 20:17 编辑

TOPIC: ISSUE171- "People who pursue their own intellectual interests for purely personal reasons are more likely to benefit the rest of the world than are people who try to act for the public good."
WORDS: 456
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-2-27 19:06:32
In this statement, the writer points out that the world benefit more from the people pursuing their own intellectual interests for merely personal reasons than those trying to act for the public good. Yet, speculating the statement, there is no fixed answer to this controversial topic, which is always a case-by-case question.
Generally, the self-centered people only caring for him are not welcome by most of us. Maybe the ultimate destination is to make him rich or gain as much as property. Can you predict or expect that kind of people do more for our world? Absolutely not, while you may take something for example that some bosses eager to make their factories stronger, at the same time， actually provide more employments for the residents, thereby not only making the local economic evolving but also submitting more tax to the government who can use the money in return to stimulate the economic. However, there is no way for there factories to last forever a long period. Finally, people may realize that the pollution from the factories harm them more than they can get.
The kind of people talked above is one of the two types of people who pursue their own intellectual interests for personal reasons. In fact, the statement may beg the question; there is no clear definition of "merely caring for personal reason". Thus, we come to analyze another kind of people pursuing his dream. We can extend it to some great scientists achieving significant research for the rest of the world. When they began to study a new idea or theory, there is no doubt that it must challenge the established system of the specific fields. Relinquishing the innovation may lead them a better and quiet life, however an invaluable research may disappear. What made them still stick to the research is the interest. Consequently, sometimes pursuing the personal interests really make a great difference for the whole society.
As we all know, the others-oriented friends are often satisfying us and model we advocate. They regard doing more for the public as a reward and pleasure. There people, of course, benefit the rest of the world a lot. By contrast, some people holding specific idea pretend to act for the good, which takes a lot of trouble to the world. Some superstars donate money just for their reputation. What they aim at is that using every mean to increase the popularity even some underhand way to demean others, which takes some disadvantages to the friendly atmosphere of the society.

To sum up, we can not provide a fixed view for the statement that are too fickle and difficult to be united to only one situation. What we should remember is that no matter pursuing for their interest or caring for the public, we should try to stick to basic moral standard that make the world more and more harmony. It is better if we can our interest lies on benefiting the world.

TOPIC: ARGUMENT80 - The following appeared as an editorial in a health magazine.

"Clormium 5 is an odorless, tasteless, and generally harmless industrial by-product that can enter the water supply. A preliminary study has linked cooking with water containing clormium 5 to an increased incidence of allergies and skin rashes. Tests of the drinking water in several areas have revealed the presence of clormium 5. Although it is possible to remove clormium 5 from water, the costs of routine testing and purification are higher than many communities can afford. Therefore, in order to prevent allergies and skin rashes, communities that cannot afford to rid their drinking water of clormium 5 should replace drinking fountains in public buildings, such as schools and libraries, with bottled-water coolers."
WORDS: 337
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2010-2-27 19:06:32

In this editorial, the writer points that communities unable to afford the cost of ridding their drinking water of clormium 5 should replace the drinking fountains in public buildings with bottled-water coolers. To warrant this statement, the writer cites that a study shows that water containing clormium 5 may lead to the increased incidence of allergies and skin rashs. Besides, another test revealed the clomium 5 has entered the water supply of several areas. In addition, even we can remove clormium 5 from water which however will costs a lot. Nevertheless, close examination of the reasons show that the writer's logical analyses are not so complete and correct.

First, the writer did not provide information about the organization who make the preliminary study. Thus, the authority of study is open to doubt. And the very element causing the allergies and skin rashes may be another material contained by the water containing clormium 5 at the same time. The study should be experimented by precise comparison and control. Without rolling out these necessary information, we can not carelessly assure the element is clormium 5.

Second, that test of drinking water of only several areas shows the problem does not means every area is the same situation. Maybe the government need not spend a lot on solving the problem. So the residents need not pay by themselves.

Thirdly, the mean used now to remove the clormium 5 costs a lot. We can ask for some universities or relevant institution to try some other way to remove the material, which can costs less. Because replacing the drinking fountains may be also a complex project.

In sum, the writer's conclusion is false logically. To better justify the conclution, we need to know whether clormium 5 is the main reason causing the allergies and skin rashes but not other similar material. We are also need to know if every area has the same problem and if the government can pay for it. Information whether some other means costing less can solve the problem is also helpful.

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爱上千年的猫
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沙发

发表于 2010-2-27 21:19:44 |只看该作者

1# binghuoshenlong
给楼主的回拍~

"People who pursue their own intellectual interests for purely personal reasons are more likely to benefit the rest of the world than are people who try to act for the public good."

题目观点In this statement, the writer points out that the world benefits more from the people pursuing their own intellectual interests for merely personal reasons than those trying to act for the public good. 作者观点Yet, speculating the statement, there is no fixed answer to this controversial topic, which is always a case-by-case question.

Generally, the self-centered people only caring for him（删去） are not welcomed by most of us. Maybe the ultimate destination is to make him rich or gain as much as property. Can you predict or（删去） expect that kind of people do more for our world? Absolutely not, while you may take something for example that some bosses eager to make their factories stronger, at the same time， actually provide more employments for the residents, thereby not only making the local economic evolving but also submitting more tax to the government who can use the money in return to stimulate the economic.（这句也太长了吧，absolutely not后面的while是什么作用？） However, there is no way for there（there 出现在这里是什么意思？） factories to last forever a long period（forever已经永远了，怎么还long period?）. Finally（用In the end比较顺，finally比较像我们说的首先其次再次最后） people may realize that the pollution from the factories harm them more than they can get.
这一段建议调整一下，首句先说观点1“自我中心的人很难对社会做出贡献”，接下来说明为什么，然后举例。而且楼主这个例子举得不恰当，在finally之前我都感觉你是支持“谋私利也可为社会做贡献”，而finally却说了一个环境污染，很突兀，逻辑上比较不通哎~
观点2 The kind of people talked above is one of the two types of people who pursue their own intellectual interests for personal reasons. In fact, the statement may beg the question; there is no clear definition of "merely caring for personal reason". Thus, we come to analyze another kind of people pursuing his dream（their dreams,前面用的是people）加while making great contribution to the society.举例 We can extend it to some great scientists achieving significant research（achieve research没有这样的用法吧） for the rest of the world. When they began to study a new idea or theory, there is no doubt that it must challenge the established system of the specific fields（什么意思？）. Relinquishing the innovation may lead them a better and quiet life, however an invaluable research may disappear. What made them still stick to the research is the interest. Consequently, sometimes pursuing the personal interests really make a great difference for the whole society.
观点2：为自己兴趣研究时也能为社会谋利。建议同上。
As we all know, the others-oriented friends are often satisfying us and model we advocate（什么意思？）. They regard doing more for the public as a reward and pleasure. There（These） people, of course, benefit the rest of the world a lot. By contrast, some people holding specific idea pretend to act for the good, which takes a lot of trouble to the world. Some superstars donate money just for their reputation. What they aim at is that using every mean to increase the popularity even some underhand way to demean others, which takes some disadvantages to the friendly atmosphere of the society.
这段重写吧楼主，完全读不懂，语句不通，而且也不知道你要表达的意思是什么...
To sum up, we can not provide a fixed view for the statement that are too fickle and（删去，fickle多用于友情与爱情的多变） difficult to be united to only one situation. What we should remember is that no matter pursuing for their interest or caring for the public, we should try to stick to basic moral standard that make the world more and more harmony. It is better if we can our interest lies on benefiting the world.（什么意思）

问题一：各段的观点不鲜明。上XDF的时候，修锐老师说老美的思维比较直线，一般段落的结构都是首先抛出观点，然后通过提问why/so来进行论述，举例也是必要的。阅读里的文章一般也是这种结构，段落首句的观点要鲜明。
问题二：例子举得不恰当。这个也是我现在的问题，楼主可以看看范文里的例子，用起来比较保险。
问题三：楼主你的语言是个问题，有些长句太长，导致句子意思表达不明，作文首先得让考官看“懂”再看“好”吧

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binghuoshenlong
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板凳

发表于 2010-2-27 22:13:48 |只看该作者

another kind of people pursuing his dream（their dreams,前面用的是people） ------------- people 不是很多人吗
it must challenge the established system of the specific fields（什么意思？）------------------------必须挑战已经成立的某些领域的体系
the others-oriented friends are often satisfying us and model we advocate（什么意思？）.
-----------利他主义者令人满意同时也是我们推崇的对象
if we can our interest lies on benefiting the world.（什么意思）
-----------我们的兴趣建立在造福世界的基础上
你读不懂是我的结构比较乱还是语言不地道太中国话呢希望指教

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