[活动] 【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】02.27号作业 by lsr91 [复制链接]

lsr91
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-2-27 20:01:19 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

With the pressure from the financial crisis around the world, there is a huge difficult faces to many young people who want to look for a job. So, for a better job, they have to accumulate lots of experience of themselves. They need more practice on their jobs which would be selected in the future. When taking a part in a competition of job, you would not have many chances for accumulating experience. I think employees need concentrate on the job which they have got.

First of all, focus on one job can help employee acknowledge the work at begin. As one person join a company, he/she needs to acquaint the process of the work, and he/she would start from the basic part of this work. With the passage of time, he/she is getting more and more experience of the work. If somebody else resigned in the company he/she is working for, he/she would get a promotion if lucky enough then.

Changing occupation frequently is not good for employees' development. In many companies of my homeland, every employee has a length of service since he/she get into the company. If an employee job-hoppings midway suddenly, he/she would start over his/her length of service. And which accompanied by losing the welfare from his/her primary company. To make matters worse, if he/she jump into a new job which is different from the job he/she familiar, he/she must start accumulating experience of this new job from zero.

In addition, it is better to take a job you are accomplished in rather than change jobs always just for trying or experience. I think if someone got the job he/she does not acknowledge, he/she would not get the advantage in the course of working to other employees. Although this job would get him/her more salary than other jobs, but he/she could not happy in their work station. But if he/she works a job he/she knows, it can inspire his/her potential for making innovations of the work.

In my opinion, no matter what job employee take, he/she should concentrate on it. With the background of financial crisis, employee should find a stable job instead of keeping try of work. Without trying different jobs seems to be the best choice for employees nowadays.

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滴滴雨儿
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沙发

发表于 2009-3-1 16:25:56 |只看该作者

With the pressure from the financialcrisis around the world, there is a huge difficulty faces to many youngpeople who want to look for a job. So, for a better job, they have toaccumulate lots of experience of themselves. They need more practice ontheir jobs which would be selected in the future. When taking a part ina competition of job, you would not have many chances for accumulatingexperience. I think employees need concentrate on the job which theyhave got.
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Firstof all, focus on one job can help employee acknowledge the work atbegin（from the beginning）. As one person join a company, he/she needs to acquaint(learn) theprocess of the work, and he/she would start from the basic part of thiswork. With the passage of time, he/she is getting more and moreexperience of the work. If somebody else resigned in the company he/sheis working for, he/she would get a promotion if lucky enough then.你的意思可以看出来，但是并没有说圆满。尤其是在最后提升上，完全可以再多写点。另外建议使用长短句结合的方式。 3 T* ?- R3 [1 D9 n

Changingoccupation frequently is not good for employees' development. In manycompanies of my homeland, every employee has a length of service sincehe/she get into the company. If an employee job-hoppings midwaysuddenly, he/she would start over his/her length of service. And whichaccompanied by losing the welfare from his/her primary company. To makematters worse, if he/she jump into a new job which is different fromthe job he/she familiar with, he/she must start accumulating experience ofthis new job from zero.例子用的挺好。 & g- @5 J: K0 N9 I. {
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In addition, it is better to take ajob you（one is） are accomplished in rather than change jobs always（frequently） just fortrying or experience. I think if someone got the job he/she does notacknowledge（注意换词）, he/she would not get the advantage in the course ofworking to other employees.（这句没看懂） Although this job would（may） get him/her moresalary than other jobs, but（典型语法错误，although+but） he/she could（would） not be happy in their workstation. But if he/she works a job he/she knows, it can inspire his/herpotential for making innovations of the work. 最后这个point很好，可惜没有展开。4 i5 j( P2 e1 g3 w4 |

Inmy opinion, no matter what job employee take, he/she should concentrateon it. With the background of financial crisis, employee should find astable job instead of keeping try of work. Without trying differentjobs seems to be the best choice for employees nowadays.最后这句话不适合做结尾呀。

总得来说，你的思路和结构都很清晰，不过没有展开说明的例子，有点可惜。但是语法上有较大的问题，句子读起来比较生硬，词汇也比较单一。建议背些段子，多读些文章，培养下语感。一起加油！^^

What if everything happens out of control?

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ddcmj519
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板凳

发表于 2009-3-2 22:29:31 |只看该作者

昨晚断电了。。
楼上说过的我就不赘述。
1.首段写的像分段，没有表明自己的态度这点很严重。
2.he/she 用的太多太多了。。。用别的指代下或者复数吧。
3。人称混乱，分段3用you，但是之前一直是one之类的指代。
4.结尾，如楼上所说。可以适当总结下，一两个词概括之前的3个分点。直接点就排比句~哈爽的~（无视我。。最近结尾排比上瘾了- -）

No more words. No more comments.

我想离开。这个浮华的世界。

行走在崩溃的边缘············

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