寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托语言类备考版 › TOEFL考试(IBT)讨论版 › 5.6月份互改作文cracking ibt essay! 小组 shancao第16 ...

返回列表

查看: 1433|回复: 4

[活动] 5.6月份互改作文cracking ibt essay! 小组 shancao第16次作业 [复制链接]

shancao
UID??2637576

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 121
注册时间: 2009-5-7
精华: 0
帖子: 1

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-6-12 01:42:22 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Perseverance makes people stronger. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
(Someone who is strong is confident and determined, and is not easily influenced or worried by other people.)
Outline:
It is prudent to say perseverance always makes people stronger since some people with perseverance may fail to success because they insist on the wrong direction.
1.
helping people achieve success, perseverance always make people confident.perseverance is the foundation of success.make peopel seize
potential opportunity .it means focus and hard work.success man often be more confident. example:hawking.
2.
Perseverance may not make a beneficial effect on the some condition.

As far as I am concerned,it is more prudent to say that perseverance always makes people stronger since some people, although with perseverance, may fail to be stronger. Actually ,perseverance is the foundation of success what always make people confident and determined. However, there are still some persistent people living a passive and depressed life around us.

There is no doubt that perseverance plays a vital role in individual success which make he or she become stronger. With perseverance, people broaden the possibility of seizing potantial opportunities around them. Those who are lazy,sloop will never catch the luck emerged in their life. Meanwhile,perseverance comes with hard work and diligent. As we all know, diligent and hard work are the foundation of being strong since there is no royal way to the summit of success. One should never expect to be strong without exerting himself or herself. Obviously, people can find out that almost all the strong people own perseverance in common. Take Stephen Hawking, the extraordinary British physicist, for example. He has a motor neurone disease called ALS for practically all his adult life. Yet it has not prevent him persisting working on the basic law on which the universe goes. Eventually, he is outstanding in the field he researched and he also led a very attractive famliy. Frankly speaking, it is perseverance that makes him a giant in physical field.

Although persistent people would likely to achieve success and become strong,it is aggressive to conclude that perseverance makes people strong. Generally speaking, persisting on the wrong direction do not have any benefial efforts on individual development,both mental and phscical. Sticking to the wrong plan alway make people reproduce the wrong things. This not only wastes people’s limited time and energy but also causes serious problems,such as overwhelming stress,depression, insomnia,to name a few. In fact, all these problems are harmful to people’s health and make them much weaker.

To conclude, it is may be safe for us to say that although perseverance is crucial on making people stronger in most cases it may be harmful if people do not insist on the right thing. So the best way to be strong may be making a applied and appropriate plan and persisting on it.

回应
0

使用道具举报

lingyao1
UID??2467525

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 19
寄托币: 1142
注册时间: 2008-3-6
精华: 0
帖子: 58

沙发

发表于 2009-6-14 11:54:58 |只看该作者

1# shancao

Outline:
It is prudent to say perseverance always makes people stronger since some people with perseverance may fail to success because they insist on the wrong direction.不明白你的since在这里用的是什么意思，这句话需要转折，才能表述你后面要说的内容，but或however。
1.
Helping people achieve success, perseverance always makes people confident. Perseverance is the foundation of success. Make people seize potential opportunity. It means focusing and hard work. Successful man often is more confident. For example: Stephen Hawking. 尽量不要用那么多的“干”，第一句可以用gives，第二句可以用let之类的词引导，make往往会让读者感到生硬、不舒服，而且不是常用的书面语。
2.9 I3 L/ t5 w9 I* p, R* `& Y# d
Perseverance may not make a beneficial effect on the some condition （many aspects）.
& v% ^( \( e# p5 n' d
As far as I am concerned, it is more prudent to say that perseverance always makes people stronger since some people, although with perseverance, may fail to be stronger.(since你是要说“即使”？还是别的，我真不知道这个词作为连词除了有“自从”外还有其他意思,而且重复。 the perseverance always lead to people opposite effect that fail to be stronger. 本人能力有限，这样行吗) Actually, perseverance is the foundation of success what(which) always make people confident and determined. However, there are still some persistent people living(live) a passive and depressed life around us.这段结束了？没有在第一句后面展开解释为什么fail to stronger啊，虽然你后面提到了相关原因，但是按照官方范文和要求，对于提出的观点应该相继解释说明例证观点，然后给予一个结论句，不能刚说到fail后面马上又actually perseverance又好了，这让考官不是蒙了你是说好还是不好，还是让考官看到后面心想“啊，原来你把东西藏到后面了。”这很容易死翘翘。

There is no doubt that perseverance plays a vital role in individual success which makes
him or her
to become stronger. With perseverance, people broaden the possibility of seizing potential opportunities around them. Those who are lazy, sloop will never catch the luck emerged in their life. Meanwhile, perseverance comes with hard work and diligent. As we all know, diligent and hard work are the foundation of being strong since there is no royal way to the summit of success. One should never expect to be strong without exerting himself or herself. Obviously, people can find out that almost all the strong people own perseverance in common. Take Stephen Hawking, the extraordinary British physicist, for example. He has a motor neuronal disease called ALS for practically all his adult life. Yet it has not prevented him persisting working on the basic law on which the universe goes. Eventually, he is outstanding in the field he researched and he also led a very attractive family. Frankly speaking, it is perseverance that makes him a giant in physical field.1 e$ ]2 Q; [7 S
3 m. F3 `# `9 x
Although persistent people would like to achieve success and become strong, it is aggressive to conclude that perseverance makes people strong. Generally speaking, persisting on the wrong direction do not(can’t) have any benefial efforts on individual development, both mental and physical. Sticking to the wrong plan always make people reproduce the wrong things. This not only wastes people’s limited time and energy but also causes serious problems, such as overwhelming stress, depression, insomnia, to name a few. In fact, all these problems are harmful to people’s health and make them much weaker.

d3 b6 P/ v' i w, R
To conclude, it is may be safe for us to say that although perseverance is crucial on making people stronger in most cases it may be harmful if people do not insist on the right thing. So the best way to be strong may be making an applied and appropriate plan and persisting on it.

不好意思，本人能力有限，同看全文后只批改了前几段。
1. 作者想写P的优点，也想写P的缺点，而且结论也给出了一个中立答案。试问作者是否回答了题目的要求，是agree还是disagree。可能论坛里李校来的相关提纲还有些评论表现出写作时可以两面一起写，但是那样的要求是通过你证明正方多一些，反方少一些来完成的。不能两面一边多，结论说中立，题目中的discuss有idea你就完全忽略了。
2. 托福作文一般要求每段中心句、结论句，然后观点和句句之间的逻辑递进关系，不要像写中文作文那样想到哪里写哪里，即使你有在好的逻辑，你也是在走钢丝，毕竟老外只看你的语法和最基本的写作能力。
3. 你不是30分钟内写完的吧？你没有写完后好好检查一遍就全部粘贴到论坛里吧？你是不是一边用中文一边用翻译软件查你要说的句子？
4. 有些词可以避免重复，success>>accomplished, process of development, lead to, give to, oppositely, contrary to, contrast, therefore, at the same time, admittedly, furthermore…丰富一点小词的运用，总结自己重复过多的词，我也是在论坛里看其他人的作文总结的。

鞠躬～希望多多加油！

有的没的

使用道具举报

happyzhengang
UID??2502624

特级会员

Rank: 6 Rank: 6

声望: 16
寄托币: 1817
注册时间: 2008-6-8
精华: 0
帖子: 39

板凳

发表于 2009-6-14 17:38:02 |只看该作者

As far as I am concerned,it is more prudent to say that perseverance (此处是不是应该加not？)always makes people stronger since some people, although with perseverance, may fail to be stronger. Actually ,perseverance is the foundation of success what always make people confident and determined. However, there are still some persistent people living a passive and depressed life around us.（我觉得这里的后半部分跟前半部分很重复，必要性不是很大，可以把这个加到后面的论述中或者删掉）

There is no doubt that perseverance plays a vital role in individual success which make(s) he or she become stronger. With perseverance, people broaden the possibility of seizing potantial opportunities around them. Those who are lazy,sloop will never catch the luck emerged in their life. Meanwhile,perseverance comes with hard work and diligent. As we all know, diligent and hard work are the foundation of being strong since there is no royal way to the summit of success. One should never expect to be strong without exerting himself or herself. Obviously, people can find out that almost all the strong people own perseverance in common.(此部分可以精简一下，略显重复) Take Stephen Hawking, the extraordinary British physicist, for example. He has a motor neurone disease called ALS for practically all his adult life. Yet it has(has 不合适吧，does) not prevent him persisting（to persist） working on the basic law on which(去掉) the universe goes. Eventually, he is outstanding in the field he researched and he also led a very attractive famliy. Frankly speaking, it is perseverance that makes him a giant in physical field.（本段挺完整的思路清晰，赞，希望用词上精简一些）

Although persistent people would likely to achieve success and become strong,it is aggressive to conclude that perseverance makes people strong. Generally speaking, persisting on the wrong direction do not have any benefial efforts on individual development,both mental and phscical. Sticking to the wrong plan always make people reproduce the wrong things. This not only wastes people’s limited time and energy but also causes serious problems,such as overwhelming stress,depression, insomnia,to name a few. In fact, all these problems are harmful to people’s health and make them much weaker.这一段说理说的挺好的

To conclude, it is may be safe for us to say that although perseverance is crucial on making people stronger in most cases it may be harmful if people do not insist on the right thing. So the best way to be strong may be making a applied and appropriate plan and persisting on it.（最后一段没有什么提升，而且与第一段基本上一样了，作者可以展望或者suggest之类的，会要好些）

其实读完整片文章来说还是挺通顺和连贯的，除了首段后半部分有些不必要，反正我是理解了你的想法与思路。因为我好久没写了，此时我觉得这篇文章还可以了，呵呵，以后如果有很好的建议再添加

使用道具举报

shancao
UID??2637576

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 121
注册时间: 2009-5-7
精华: 0
帖子: 1

地板

发表于 2009-6-16 20:05:28 |只看该作者

1# shancao

Outline:
It is prudent to say perseverance always makes people stronger since some people with perseverance may fail to success because they insist on the wrong direction.不明白你的s ...
lingyao1 发表于 2009-6-14 11:54

虽然改了不多，但是很受用！！看出你基础很好，谢过了~~
我前段时间有点个人事情处理，没顾得及批改，会补上了！
祝好运！！

使用道具举报

shancao
UID??2637576

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 121
注册时间: 2009-5-7
精华: 0
帖子: 1

5楼

发表于 2009-6-17 00:00:13 |只看该作者

outline:
1.perseverance lead people to persist on the difficulties which is inevitable on the way of
being stronger.perseverance means focus and hard work which make access to confidence and determination.
3.persist on the wrong thing is harm for individual development,both mental and physical.
When I was a child, my mother taught me to be a perseverant peoson.She who holds the
same opinion with most people in our contry who advocates that perseverance makes people
stronger.They argue that perseverance is the essence of being stronger. But
people who disagree with the statements,on the other hand, indicate that some people with
perseverance do not achieve success which leads confidence and determination. As far as I
am concerned, perseverance is able to help people become strong in most cases,although it
have no contribution on those people who persist on the wrong direction.
There is no doubt that perseverance plays a vital part in individual success,which often leads people to feel strong. Only with perseveranse can people handle all the inevitable difficulties in the way of pursuing success.Generally speaking,perseverance has a beneficial effect on broadening the possibility of seizing potential opportunities around them because opportunities prefer perseverance people. In addition,as there is no royal way to the summit of success,pursuing success often have to overcome a large number of difficulties. dealing with such problems, people should own perseverance which often means hard work and focus.Obviously,people can found out that almost all the strong people in the world own the excellent characteristic,perseverance. Take Stephen Hawing,the extraordinary British physicist,for example.He had a motor neurone disease called ALS for practically all his adult life.Yet it did not prevent him persisting working on the basic low the universe goes. Eventually, he was outstanding in the pysical field as well as led an attractive family. Franking speaking, it is the perseverance that makes him a giant in a specific field.
Although it is more likely for determined people to achieve success and become stronger, concluding that perseverance makes people strong may be aggressive. Generally speaking, sticking on the wrong direction do not make access to success results from that it let people to reproduce the wrong things. Fortunately,this situation can be dramatically improved through making a applied and appropriate plan.
Though perseverance may has disadvantages in some cases, the advantage of it outweigh harm we gain from it as it can help to success associated with being stronger. Only by persisting on peope's dream can they finally gain the achievement. What is more, more perseverant one be, more considerable output he or she attains.

修改之后的！！

使用道具举报