[a习作temp] 0910AW 同主题写作第七期 [复制链接]

greenxs
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-6-28 21:24:16 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 greenxs 于 2009-8-24 12:28 编辑

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一学那贤良的王二姐，二学那开磨坊的李三娘

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lucarl
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沙发

发表于 2009-6-29 22:33:32 |只看该作者

The author in this argument concludes that lavender cures insomnia. To support the conclusion, he/she provides a survey about three weeks of experiment that people with chronic insomnia are remedied by lavender-scented pillows. However, further examination of the relationship between conclusion and the survey reveals that this argument flaws by several critical aspects. 和你的A101一模一样的开头。。。可能这是你自己通过练习得到的一个属于自己的模板，但是我还是推荐不要这么早就把自己限制住了，时间还有很多，先多练习练习不同的写作方式，广泛积累，为我所用。等到最后几天了，再拿出一个自己觉得最好的，熟悉一下就好了~时间足够

To begin with, the author has not showed enough information about the 30 volunteers, such as their age, sex and severity of insomnia. And, 30 volunteers are not enough for a survey. Therefore, this 30 people feel better with lavender-scented pillows could not prove all patients with insomnia.攻击调查问题，请不要质疑surveyor的专业能力，看heaven in flowers吧。

Furthermore, the result of the survey is that the volunteers slept longer and more soundly than previous two weeks. TS句重复文中的话不是件好事，要一句话指出你要Argue的是哪里！ However, the survey does not show how the volunteers feel when they weaken. Did they feel more tired than before? We have no evidence could attest it. Also, the survey does not provide any information that what time the volunteers need to sleep. If they need more time to sleep than previous, we could not accept that lavender-scented pillow is efficient to insomnia.

Last but not least, even if the volunteers cured insomnia, it may not because of lavender-scented pillows.这个就比上一段的好 There are a lot of possibilities that the author have not ruled out which could make the volunteers slept better than other two weeks. First, the volunteers slept well at the third week may because they were too tired at the second week. Second, the volunteers may familiar with the environment of sleep room, so they slept well than before. Third, the volunteers feel better may because they take sleeping medicine at the first week.这一点我根本没看懂，究其原因，就是缺少展开。如果展开一下的话，就算第一句表达不清楚，后面的也能让人看明白 If the survey could give another experiment results that volunteers sleep with no lavender-scented pillow's room, we could better evaluate it.

Above all, the author has not supplied enough evidences to establish lavender could cure insomnia. If he/she could give more information and numbers of the volunteers and show their feeling about sleep with lavender-scented pillows and provide another experiment about volunteers sleep with no lavender-scented pillows, then we could better access the conclusion.

限时作风很好~

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