argu117 <劳改大队第六次> 让砖头来得 更猛烈些吧^^

凝眸处UID: 2268304

The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

words: 438  time: 48mins

In the argument, the speaker asserts that by stocking some home office machines and office supplies, the office supply department will become the most profitable component of Valu-Mart stores. To substantiate this assertion, the speaker states a series of reasons, which I figure , however, are not compelling and persuasive as they appear to be. I will discuss them in turn.

To begin with, the reliability of the survey requires suspicion as it stands. The speaker only informs the audience of the response pf 70 percent of the respondents. How wide was the survey conducted? How many participants were involved in the survey? In a word, is the survey statistically reliable to represent the overall employees? The speaker fails to supply sufficient information about this crucial issue, which entitle us to presume this survey was carried out in only one company out of the researcher's indolence. In the time span of the survey, the employees were doing the most exhausting work, and therefore, they had no choice but to resume their work at home. However, this situation could be temporary and purchasing office supplies was not necessarily taken into their considerations.

Second, admittedly, taking more work home truly reflects the major trend among the employees, it is premature to come to the conclusion that they need to purchase those necessities from Valu-Mart stores. Perhaps, the companies have wiped out this barrier as the work gets exhausting out of the consideration for efficiency which is the major concern of most companies. On the other hand, another possibility might be true, that is the works at home requires only one equipment- the computer. Most of the work could be achieved through computer currently. In this case, a little U-dish or laptop could replace all the office supplies at home, since they could do the subsequent at the office.  In both cases, it doesn’t require anything from Valu-Mart.

Thirdly, even though the office supplies are desperately needed because of the work at home, Valu-Mart might not be the first choice of most of many a company. As it is mentioned in the memo, Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in the past, this might attribute to the quality or the price of the merchandise at Valu-Mart. The speaker fails to consider the alternative that the superior merchandise of the office supplies will conquer this market instead of Valu-Mart. In this case, the more goods they stock, the greater loss Valu-Mart will suffer.

In sum, without eliminating all the alternatives mentioned in the above, the speaker could not convince me that Valu-Mart will get benefit through stocking more goods concerning office work.

ltl_chUID: 2260570

In the argument, the speaker asserts that by stocking some[这里可以激点，some-〉a large quantities of] home office machines and office supplies, the office supply department will become the most profitable component of Valu-Mart stores. To substantiate this assertion, the speaker states a series of reasons, which I figure , however, are not compelling and persuasive as they appear to be. I will discuss them in turn.

To begin with, the reliability of the survey requires suspicion as it stands. The speaker only informs the audience of the response pf 70 percent of the respondents. How wide was the survey conducted? How many participants were involved in the survey? In a word, is the survey statistically reliable to represent the overall employees? The speaker fails to supply sufficient information about this crucial issue[these crucial issues], which entitle us to presume this survey was carried out in only one company out of the researcher's indolence[这个懒惰最好换成有意地]. In the time span of the survey, the employees were doing the most exhausting work, and therefore, they had no choice but to resume their work at home. However, this situation could be temporary and purchasing office supplies was not necessarily taken into their considerations.
我认为此段可改善的地方——
1. the speaker fails to...indolence这里可以简略点，第3个问题转化下更好，because the speaker fail to supply...we have reasons to doubt that the results of survey are stiatistically relaible to represent the situation of overall employees.
2.最尾还差一个关键句，例如：repondents' frequency of taking home work might be so low that they seldom need office machines at home in most time.

Second, admittedly[even if/granted that], taking more work home truly reflects the major trend among the employees, it is premature to come to the conclusion that they need to purchase those necessities from Valu-Mart stores. Perhaps, the companies have wiped out this barrier[what barrier？] as the work gets exhausting out of the consideration for efficiency which is the major concern of most companies[这句有点不明白，请指点！]. On the other hand, another possibility might be true, that is the works at home requires only one equipment- the computer. Most of the work could be achieved through computer currently[这句我感觉多余，可以删掉]. In this case, a little U-dish or laptop could replace all the office supplies at home, since they could do the subsequent at the office.  In both cases, it doesn’t require anything from Valu-Mart.

Thirdly, even though the office supplies are desperately needed because of the work at home, Valu-Mart might not be the first choice of most of many a company[我认为这里的购买者应该是个人]. As it is mentioned in the memo, Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in the past, this might attribute to the quality or the price of the merchandise at Valu-Mart. The speaker fails to consider the alternative that the superior merchandise of the office supplies will conquer this market instead of Valu-Mart. In this case, the more goods they stock, the greater loss Valu-Mart will suffer.
在段中补充一句，manager没有举出Impressive sales的真正原因, 然后列出他因，证明即使提高stock，也无助于解决这些根本影响sale的问题，那就更persuasive了。

In sum, without eliminating all the alternatives mentioned in the above, the speaker could not convince me that Valu-Mart will get benefit through stocking more goods concerning office work.
结尾有点短，讽刺下或者补充下。

总结：
你的文章让我获得了很多启发。至少目前为止我发现了几个可以攻击的地方。列举如下——
第一句 over 70 percent...respondent...recent / survey...more work...in the past
spot1: survey的有效性, 有多少人呢？受访者太少呢？——不能肯定work-at-home trend存在。
spot2: 回答者是否某特殊行业的？假设来自同一行业，而且该行业人数占overall employees少数，那么不会很profitable。
spot3: 银行的，在多少个地点调查呢？一个region不代表所有region，并不是所有store都大卖。
spot4: 隐含的，take more work没错，但是frequency没有提，一个月才一次？一年一次？（这点和你有点相近，调查的时间如果发生在人们最忙的时候）——work-at-home trend不存在。
spot5: work是否需要用到这些工具？这个你bingo了。
spot6: 没有impressive sales的原因未明，仅仅提高stock不一定会great profit。广告？质量？价钱？竞争者？

[ 本帖最后由 ltl_ch 于 2006-11-29 01:37 编辑 ]

zhghuiUID: 2231447

我觉得你的second and third points 有点接近.

my outline
1. Supposed the change intimates the sale and profit of office supply depart, there is not evidence to show it becoming the most profitable one in the store.

2. The reason to increase the stock of home office machines, is based on a recent survey that 70% of respondents have more bring-home work than they were in the past. However, nothing is mentioned about the respondents' background, age, job type and the take-home work content.

3. Even if we concede that more people have started bringing more office related work to home, it is not necessary to increase the consumption of home office machine. Firstly, The company may cover all the expenditure of homework, and supply the staffs all they need for work at home. Secondly, the staffs may just need more small home office supply, such as pen, clip, post-sticks, rather than those big and expensive office machines.

[ 本帖最后由 zhghui 于 2006-11-29 01:46 编辑 ]

凝眸处UID: 2268304

感谢楼上两位的批改，鞠躬！
先回应下，细心看过后再具体讨论，再谢！

看过之后再来回：
感谢乐透的详细指点，写完之后自己看过一遍，都没有意识到这么多错误呢，汗，果然旁观者会更客观些。

感想如下：
看完了细节错误之后反复考虑的是那几点spots，如果都一条条的辩驳的话会太冗长且有分散火力之嫌，哈哈，我来总结合并下

spot1.2.3都是针对survey的可靠性的，放在一段来攻击，这样是否显得辩驳更加有力、

spot4 针对frequency的，我自己想到了这个点，但是似乎没有乐透说得更深更犀利。以前就很少考虑到这个因素，似乎乐透对于这个特别警惕，以前看过你的一篇作业也重点攻击了时间和频率的问题

spot5 我们想到一起了^^

spot6 关于销量不佳的原因，收到乐透启发，可以更加扩展思路一些，列举更多的合理解释会使辩驳更加有力，另外，这两天看范文也有同感，高分范文对于其他原因的分析总是很具体，鲜少出现模板的话，要注意！！（汗，我是彦一么）

综上，一共四个具体攻击段落，应该比较全面而且精辟了吧^^

[ 本帖最后由 凝眸处 于 2006-11-29 22:01 编辑 ]