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[作文] Fatalerror的作文本 [复制链接]

Fatalerror
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-8-24 22:52:02 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

8月24日交
（09.01.23 NA） Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career.

Agree

I fundamentally agree with the statement that “young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career”. As a proverb goes, “the only way to know is to take the plunge”, it is to say that the real practice is the best way to learn the truth. Consequently, to plunge into several different jobs will benefit the young people to take a long career by providing the lessons learnt from each job.

First and the foremost, to try different jobs can help young people cultivate the global mindset which assists on breaking the job boundaries and thinking strategically. Thereby, dramatically enhance the possibility of success on each decision made for the long term career. Without the exposure to multiple different jobs, the mindset might be confined into a limited extent, as a consequence, loss many opportunities for success. Let’s bring our discussion here to a more present and practical context, it can be given a concrete example: cell phone designers usually pay closely attention on the functionality and the usability of the product; they try their best to attract the customers by providing the marvelous features regardless of market capacity; conversely, the marketing people mainly focus on the profitability which could lead to progressive business success; however, they may not care about whether the product really brings convenience to the customers; if the either of them could integrate the mindset of the other’s, the problem will be well balanced and gain a inevitable business success.

Second, to try different jobs can help young people discover their strength which insures the achievement of each progressive step in a long run. By immerging into different pools, young people will learn their strengths and weaknesses much more clearly. This provides them a good guidance on how to leverage their strengths in the future.

Finally but not the least, to try different jobs can help young people figure out their interest which motivates themselves keep striving for excellence no matter how difficult the problem they counter.

In summary, from what has been discussed, we may draw the conclusion that the experience of plunging into different jobs is critical to the success of long term career for the young people, not only because it helps the young people cultivate the global mindset and discover the strength, but also because it helps figure out the interest area and motivate themselves keep endeavoring. Admittedly, disorderly and unsystematic job switch would waste young people’s time to some extent, but the more cautious we spend on each job switch, the more benefits to the long term career will be.

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bbliang
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沙发

发表于 2010-8-25 19:42:29 |只看该作者

I fundamentally agree with the statement that “young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career”. As a proverb goes, “the only way to know is to take the plunge”, it is to say that the real practice is the best way to learn the truth. Consequently, to plunge into several different jobs will benefit the young people to take a long career by providing the lessons learnt from each job. (感觉这句说的别扭，不知改成这样可好：Consequently, through learning from the lessons given in different jobs, young people will be more likely to be benefited in their long-term career by plunging into several different jobs.)
lo longlong l(((( K! q z7 f4 d- s* G6 D5 ?% `6 ~0 ~: {' P: x1 HFirst and the foremost, to try different jobs can help young people cultivate the global mindset which assists on breaking the job boundaries and thinking strategically. Thereby, dramatically enhance the possibility of success on each decision made for the long term career. (这句话没主语，是病句。如果要接到上句的话必须要有连接词，thereby 是副词）Without the exposure to multiple different jobs, the mindset might be confined into a limited extent, as a consequence, loss many opportunities for success（这里是mindset作loss...的主语吗？好像说不通吧？应该是人作主语才合适）. Let’s bring our discussion here to a more present and practical context, it can be given a concrete example（这里两个句子间又没连词连接，这是我的改法：Let’s bring our discussion here to a more present and practical context, which can be shown in the following concrete example): cell phone designers usually pay closely attention on the functionality and the usability of the product; they try their best to attract the customers by providing the marvelous features regardless of market capacity; conversely, the marketing people mainly focus on the profitability which could lead to progressive business success; however, they may not care about whether the product really brings convenience to the customers; if the either of them could integrate the mindset of the other’s, the problem will be well balanced and gain a inevitable business success("gain"的主语又有问题）.3( P) v! B- h% B9 U+ |% c- o1 B- h4 C5 `Second, to try different jobs can help young people discover their strength which insures the achievement of each progressive step in a long run. By immerging into different pools, young people will learn their strengths and weaknesses much more clearly. This provides them a good guidance on how to leverage their strengths in the future(这段缺少丰满的例子，要知道老美可是好这口儿的哈！）。u7 t3 a- g7 Q9 Q) U- U9 W% C7 H. d+ lFinally but not the least, to try different jobs can help young people figure out their interest which motivates themselves keep striving for excellence no matter how difficult the problem they encounter with.(这段同样缺少丰满的例子！）。u7 t3 a-8 S9 _3 e. r3 ^8 O2 y( \$ PIn summary, from what has been discussed, we may draw the conclusion that the experience of plunging into different jobs is critical to the success of long term career for the young people, not only because it helps the young people cultivate the global mindset and discover the strength, but also because it helps figure out the interest area and motivate themselves keep endeavoring. Admittedly, disorderly and unsystematic job switch would waste young people’s time to some extent, but the more cautious we spend on each job switch, the more benefits to the long term career will be(这里第二个倒装句必须改一下才说得通，比如把“be"改成"get",这样“benefits"作为他的宾语前置）.

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Fatalerror
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板凳

发表于 2010-8-25 23:44:55 |只看该作者

谢谢 bbliang同学的建议如你所说这是一篇未完成的习作后两个分论点缺少论证找时间补上

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Fatalerror
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地板

发表于 2010-8-26 22:46:29 |只看该作者

8月26日交
(09.02.21 NA) Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Newspapers and magazines are the best ways to learn about a foreign country？

By publishing a wide variety of materials such as politics, business, society, entertainment and sports, Newspapers and magazines may provide a comprehensive picture of a specific country, especially the foreign country which cannot be accessed frequently. Thus, I basically agree with the assertion the issue gives, however, it seems too extreme by stating that no other approaches would outweigh the newspapers and magazines.

First of all, the newspapers and magazines not only issue stories on multiple domains, but also convey views and knowledge insightfully. The great extent of diversity will benefit on drawing the overall sketch, and meanwhile, the profound investigation will contribute to refining each designated line on the sketch. As a result, a foreign country will be presented delicately in all dimensions. Let’s bring our discussion here to a more practical context. I remember clearly how the newspapers and magazines helped me studying the Danish human resource environment. The general newspapers, which publish daily, cover various fields, and usually indicate public interest and common sense, provided a background of politics, economy, education, job market, and the distinguish feature welfare system. The specialized magazines gave the deep dive of impact of the welfare system supplemented with data chart. The newspapers and magazines are really the critical resources to figure out the truth.

Although newspapers and magazines demonstrated the significance, several factors need to be taken care of cautiously with comprehensive consideration. On one hand, the stories reported on the newspapers and magazines may be selected to some particular intent, which is to say not all the truths will be issued to the public. What’s worse, some truths may be distorted in favor of a small group of people. On the other hand, with the advent of multi-media and Internet technology, some disadvantages of the traditional plane-media, such as inability to play video and audio, are overcome. The web site equipped with multi-media technology and well prepared content would be a good alternative to the traditional newspapers and magazines. Moreover, the web site could convey the video and audio which might help people well understand the foreign country and the traditional media cannot present.

In a final analysis, newspapers and magazines are recommendable resources for foreign country studying. But people need thoroughly consider the barriers and shortcomings of them.

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skyice1987 UID：2451304 skyice1987 当前离线最后登录 2013-6-26 在线时间 128 小时寄托币 1150 声望 15 注册时间 2008-1-25 阅读权限 5 帖子 20 精华 0 积分 930 UID 2451304 禁止发言声望 15 寄托币 1150 注册时间 2008-1-25 精华 0 帖子 20 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	5楼发表于 2010-8-27 22:55:08 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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skyice1987 UID：2451304 skyice1987 当前离线最后登录 2013-6-26 在线时间 128 小时寄托币 1150 声望 15 注册时间 2008-1-25 阅读权限 5 帖子 20 精华 0 积分 930 UID 2451304 禁止发言声望 15 寄托币 1150 注册时间 2008-1-25 精华 0 帖子 20 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	6楼发表于 2010-8-28 09:36:04 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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skyice1987 UID：2451304 skyice1987 当前离线最后登录 2013-6-26 在线时间 128 小时寄托币 1150 声望 15 注册时间 2008-1-25 阅读权限 5 帖子 20 精华 0 积分 930 UID 2451304 禁止发言声望 15 寄托币 1150 注册时间 2008-1-25 精华 0 帖子 20 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	7楼发表于 2010-8-28 09:37:37 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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Fatalerror
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8楼

发表于 2010-8-28 11:53:58 |只看该作者

4# Fatalerror
我感觉可以30分了，我实在是能力有限啊，能不能帮我改改我的作文呢，我感觉我的好像有点跑题。。。
skyice1987 发表于 2010-8-28 09:36

Sorry 这两天比较忙缺觉今天早晨光顾着贪睡了你的作文刚刚改好
我最近比较矫情也许是被语法折磨的批注随意看看就好别太认真

4# Fatalerror
但是我感觉论点两条，而且是一正一反，表现不出哪个更有优势啊

批评的是为了追求平衡客观可能是使得观点不够清晰总体观点是有让步的支持当然也可以说是有保留的反对正如末段总结的那样 newspapers and magazines对于了解forign country是很好的材料但是其自身存在着一些问题及限制
其实表述观点可以更直接些把矛头指向best way 最后再联系一下如何才能够更好的learn about foreign country
谢啦！
等写完今天的作业再改哎呀我上次的还没改光顾着贪睡了要加油了

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185726666
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9楼

发表于 2010-8-28 13:09:51 |只看该作者

4# Fatalerror 你的文章写得真棒我也要好好看看

Don't worry Be happy

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185726666
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10楼

发表于 2010-8-28 17:44:25 |只看该作者

1# Fatalerror

By publishing a wide variety of materials such as politics, business, society, entertainment and sports, Newspapers and magazines may provide a comprehensive picture of a specific country, especially the foreign country which cannot be accessed frequently. Access 多做名词
动词表访问
可以用accessible 来表示 Thus, I basically 这个词用的真好 agree with the assertion the issue gives, however, it seems too extreme by stating that no other approaches would outweigh the newspapers and magazines.
First of all, the newspapers and magazines not only issue stories on multiple domains, but also convey views and knowledge insightfully.广度和深度两个角度表达
真好 The great extent of diversity will benefit on drawing the overall sketch, and meanwhile, the profound investigation will contribute to refining each designated line on the sketch. As a result, a foreign country will be presented delicately in all dimensions. Let’s bring our discussion here to a more practical context.亮点 I remember clearly how the newspapers and magazines helped me studying the Danish human resource environment. The general newspapers, which publish daily, cover various fields, and usually indicate public interest and common sense, provided 我感觉是providing a background of politics, economy, education, job market, and the distinguish 是distinguished feature welfare system. The specialized magazines gave the deep dive of impact of the welfare system supplemented with data chart. The newspapers and magazines are really the critical resources to figure out the truth.
Although newspapers and magazines demonstrated the significance, several factors need to be taken care of cautiously with comprehensive consideration.
Take care of 是否和cautiously重复呢On one hand, the stories reported on the newspapers and magazines may be selected to some particular intent, which is to say not all the truths will be issued to the public. What’s worse, some truths may be distorted in favor of a small group of people. On the other hand, with the advent of multi-media and Internet technology, some disadvantages of the traditional plane-media, such as inability to play video and audio, are overcome. The web site equipped with multi-media technology and well prepared content would be a good alternative to the traditional newspapers and magazines. Moreover, the web site could convey the video and audio which might help people well understand the foreign country and the traditional media cannot present. 此段自然过渡陈述观点
真好

In a final analysis, newspapers and magazines are recommendable resources for foreign country studying. But people need thoroughly consider the barriers and shortcomings of them.

commented by minami

同学你用了很多我想不到的单词短语文章逻辑也自然顺畅我水平有限或许有些改的也不正确只是想问是如何才能做出如此好的作文

Don't worry Be happy

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185726666
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11楼

发表于 2010-8-28 17:46:58 |只看该作者

Bypublishing a wide variety of materials such as politics, business, society,entertainment and sports, Newspapers and magazines may provide a comprehensivepicture of a specific country, especially the foreign country which cannot beaccessed frequently. Access 多做名词动词表访问可以用accessible 来表示 Thus, I basically 这个词用的真好 agree with the assertion theissue gives, however, it seems too extreme by stating that no other approacheswould outweigh the newspapers and magazines.
First of all, the newspapers and magazines not only issue stories onmultiple domains, but also convey views and knowledge insightfully.广度和深度两个角度表达真好 The great extent of diversitywill benefit on drawing the overall sketch, and meanwhile, the profoundinvestigation will contribute to refining each designated line on the sketch.As a result, a foreign country will be presented delicately in all dimensions.Let’s bring our discussion here to a more practical context.亮点 I remember clearly how thenewspapers and magazines helped me studying the Danish human resourceenvironment. The general newspapers, which publish daily, cover various fields,and usually indicate public interest and common sense, provided 我感觉是providing a background ofpolitics, economy, education, job market, and the distinguish 是distinguished feature welfaresystem. The specialized magazines gave the deep dive of impact of the welfaresystem supplemented with data chart. The newspapers and magazines are reallythe critical resources to figure out the truth.
Although newspapers and magazines demonstrated the significance, severalfactors need to be taken care of cautiously with comprehensive consideration. Take care of 是否和cautiously重复呢On one hand, the stories reportedon the newspapers and magazines may be selected to some particular intent,which is to say not all the truths will be issued to the public. What’s worse,some truths may be distorted in favor of a small group of people. On the otherhand, with the advent of multi-media and Internet technology, somedisadvantages of the traditional plane-media, such as inability to play videoand audio, are overcome. The web site equipped with multi-media technology andwell prepared content would be a good alternative to the traditional newspapersand magazines. Moreover, the web site could convey the video and audio whichmight help people well understand the foreign country and the traditional mediacannot present. 此段自然过渡陈述观点真好

In a final analysis, newspapers and magazinesare recommendable resources for foreign country studying. But people needthoroughly consider the barriers and shortcomings of them.

commented by minami

同学你用了很多我想不到的单词短语文章逻辑也自然顺畅我水平有限或许有些改的也不正确只是想问是如何才能做出如此好的作文

因楼上红色未显故二度发帖

Don't worry Be happy

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Fatalerror
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12楼

发表于 2010-8-28 18:23:58 |只看该作者

8月28日交
（09.02.27NA）Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time but a low salary is better than a job with a high salary but less vacation time.

Salary and vacation time might not be the mutual exclusive properties of a job. No evidence reveals that an increase of salary will definitely lead to a decrease of vacation time or vise versa. I believe most of people would pursue the job with both of the properties boomed up. However, if I encounter such a dilemma that I could only pick a job with either more vacation time but low salary or, on the contrary, high salary but less vacation time, I would say please give me a minute to examine which job will contribute more to my long-term career goal.

On one hand, more vacation time would provide more opportunities for people to distract themselves from the daily routine work. As a proverb goes “the person inside the incidence is blinded by the incidence”, that is to say putting yourself into other’s shoes will help you draw a comprehensive picture of yourself. A salesman going to a travel agency for a vacation plan will give her the practical experience as a customer; A GPS Navigator designer driving out for vacation with the GPS device she designed will impress her directly as an end user. The practical experience from without, consequently, will derive the inspirations for their future job. On the other hand, more leisure time would provide the flexibility for people’s self-training which fulfills their career aspiration by acquiring knowledge from a variety of fields. Lala, a protagonist of a recent popular novel, comes immediately into my mind. When she was an administrative assistant, she studied human resources management at her spare time to make herself a well prepared candidate of HR manager and finally won the position in the campaign. It is hardly to imagine that she could make this job switch without the part-time studying. Although someone would argue that the story of Lala is just a fiction, I believe, to figure this dramatic character, the author must have experienced the similar situations, and also, as popular as the novel is many of the audiences must have observed hundreds of Lala right beside them.

Aside from the benefits from the vacation time, the high salary can also contribute a lot to long-term career. Obviously, the high salary demonstrates the financial advantages in service of the self-training programs. The top level training programs usually resort to the top level cost, such as MBA, CFA and many other professional programs. Without the sound financial background, one may have to spend extra effort on finding the financial aid or even worse to drop the training opportunity. Moreover, the high salary can be not only associated with financial advantages, but also associated with the elite more or less. The proverb, “associate with good and you will be one of them”, illustrate the principle that each member will benefit from the aggregation of elite. In this case, to take a job with high salary is undoubtedly a wise choice.

In conclusion, both more vacation time and high salary would benefit the personal development. If I have to make a decision under such a dilemma, I would consolidate the positive and negative factors on each side, and choose the one which will demonstrate more positive impact on my long-term career goal.

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Fatalerror
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13楼

发表于 2010-8-28 21:57:50 |只看该作者

11# 185726666
感谢minami的细致批注
第一段的"access" 确实是令我一直觉得很尴尬的词想了半天也没找到合适的词代替这里确实是想表答访问的意思指那种不能经常亲历的国度希望以此假设突出媒体的重要
"basically"是模板上的常用表达 "Let’s bring our discussion here to a more practical context."也是
"providing"的问题有点微妙首先要感谢minami帮忙改这个猥琐的句子实在不像人话这里的provide其实是想修饰前面的"public interest and common sense"的按理说应该用定语从句可是不知道为什么放了个过去分词在那 providing表伴随主语变成了newspapers 表意反而更加明确谢啦
"distinguished"依然是这个猥琐句里的问题真的很佩服minami的毅力能读到最后并且一眼就发现问题
"take care & cautiously"的问题这里确实有过渡修饰之嫌由于写的时候是汉语思维动词副词是一个一个填上的忽略了词义的细微差别有可能导致过渡修饰可见minami改得很细致

最后感谢minami的鼓励这是我第二篇独立写作折腾了整整一天有空就拿出来改前后大改了两三次遗憾的是修改大都是一些表面文章如观点呀结构呀什么的对于本文最大的硬伤论据毫无贡献而minami的文章论据充实 skyice和我都很欣赏

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