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2009.9.19 NA Government should more support art museum and music performance than recreational facilities, such as swimming pool or play ground.
In order for the inhabitants to achieve the comfortable social environment to meet their requirements, government employs methods of support that, because of the limited financial budget and various importance of different issues, were limited in several specific areas. (你是不是考完G的,惭愧得很这句话我都没怎么看明白,晕掉了,除了插入语,主谓宾,没有找到)Here comes the question which(是不是加上area更好?)should government give more support to, artistic areas or recreational facilities. A group of people may prefer the former one, for providing inhabitants with artistic performance, the society will be thought as an advanced one. (感觉这个理由有点牵强) In my perspective, however, supporting recreational facilities will benefit not only inhabitants but (also) the government itself.
To begin with, the benefiteries(benefits ?)of supporting artistic area, that is sponsoring art museum and music performance, for example, pales in comparison to the supporting creational facilities. No one can deny the fact that not everybody has the interest in art, whereas everyone has to do some sports. It is common that even if the museum is well arranged and decorated there is (are) few people roaming in the exhibition and admiring the fine arts. Besides, (与前一点的理由似乎不是并列)the demand of art facilities is far less than the demand of recreational facilities. For example, one art museum will satisfy a middle city, at the same time this city need no less than ten playgrounds of any size. A recent investigation conducted by Chinese Academy of Social Science demonstrates that in China almost one-quarter inhabitants complain that there is neither swimming pool nor playground available near their community. Whatever the final decision to this supporting problem(有点突兀,指代什么?), it is evident that the need of recreational facilities is more practical and beneficial.
Further more, in terms of the government, supporting recreational facilities is more economically feasible and long-term effective. In the face of the limited budget, grandiose schemes such as improving the artistic environment (but要不要连接词我也不确定) ignoring the urgent everyday problem has no reason to be supported by a sensible government. What is more, supporting just one music performance or art exhibition cannot benefit the audience for a long time. Maybe the art astonished the audience in that special moment, the amazing images will fade out with a few days' routine tasks. In these conditions, it is acceptable to recommend government to choose to support recreational facilities.
In sum, both aspects of this problem are manifested that government should support recreational facilities. On the one hand the benefiteries of recreational facilities exceeds in number of artistic facilities. On the other hand government will make intelligent expense by supporting recreational facilities.
蓝色是我觉得很好的词或句型,黄色是我觉得有点不对劲或者修改过的地方。总体来说,感觉你的词汇和句型变换都很多,不错。有些长句没有看明白,不知是不是我的水平问题。句型多很长,很复杂。建议也用一些简练的短句,尤其是表达观点的主旨句之类的。结构上采用总分总结构,除去开头和结尾中间两段,两点理由。其中第一个理由的论证内部关系还可以再理顺一下,感觉有点乱。第二个理由也是,感觉和第一个理由有交叉。可以再观点组织上再下功夫,文章就更好了。你的语言基本上没有问题。以上是我的一点浅见,能力有限,说得不妥当的地方多多包涵。 |
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