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[作文] 【独立写作】carino作业贴 [复制链接]

2006201652
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16楼

发表于 2012-10-11 12:12:47 |只看该作者

改完了，水平有限，有些地方觉得我写的不对的话，一起讨论啊

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carino
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17楼

发表于 2012-10-11 15:23:41 |只看该作者

2006201652 发表于 2012-10-11 12:12
改完了，水平有限，有些地方觉得我写的不对的话，一起讨论啊

谢谢你帮我改作文，改得很认真。
写着急了老容易出单词和短语错误。
那个job的例子我写的时候也想到了，万一是自己先申请的话就不成立了，但想想也许别人挖墙脚来了什么的也不一定（我是不是想太多了。。。。）
觉得这题好难写。。多看看大家写的吧~~

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mpromanus
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18楼

发表于 2012-10-11 20:54:51 |只看该作者

10.7

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: the benefits that students can get from student organizations or club activities are as many as they can get from their academic studies.

Perhaps no issue is today’s world is as crucial as education is to students. People have various views on what/which would benefit students more – should they focus on academic studies (This phrase is actually in your question – so please learn to use it.) or should they join in student organizations? In my point of view, I believe student can benefit from campus activities as many ('many' is an adjective, not an adverb. You can't 'benefit many', not even 'benefit manily'. You can only have 'many benefits'.) as they can get from academic study, of course, in different aspects.

To begin with, students can learn the practical ability ('the' means the noun is specific, i.e. there is a particular, known 'practical ability' that you are talking about. If you're just talking about practical abilities in general, say 'practical abilities'. And, by any means, what kind of abilities count as 'practical' abilities is very vague..) from participating in organization or club activities, which is required for hunting jobs. In order to complete a certain activity program, students should cooperate with others, make a detailed plan, organize their schedules, find ways to solve unexpected problems, and execute the plan efficiently. These can only be learned and practiced from real activities. Take my roommate as an example. She used to be an activist in student union and She participated in organizing many campus activities. She then got a pretty job (Only people and things are 'pretty'. You don’t describe jobs as 'pretty' because they are, at least in most cases, not 'pretty'. I have no idea where you get this translation of 光鲜/体面 from, but you're talking about a job that looks very good/glamorous, the word is 'fancy'.) after graduation due to these excellent practical capabilities.

Besides the practical capabilities, students also benefit from working with others in a certain team and therefore start building up their own social networks. And it is indisputable that a social network is crucial in today’s society and can bring people more opportunities in the job market. In a campus organization, students could enjoy more convenience to meet and interact with various people than merely staying in classroom. And the more people they know, the bigger their social networks will be and the more benefits they will get from those connections. (This is all very good – but what if the student wants a career in the academia? Should he then 'stay in the classroom' with the academia people, because that'd benefit him more than simply fooling around with fellow students who just want a job out of the ordinary market? You have not made a proper comparison to prove your point, which is 'student organizations have AS MANY benefits AS academic studies do, only in different aspects'. Think about it :))

Furthermore, participating in practical activities offers students the opportunity and channel to practice what they learn from textbooks and hence lead them to learn better. For example, a student majoring in management can learn to lead and run a team by participating in student union, which allows him or her to apply the management theory.

Above all (This means your following point is the most important, more important than all the rest in the essay. But you're writing a conclusion, not a new point, so this is not the phrase to use.), from joining in student organization or club activities, students get the practical ability such as cooperation and execution, build up their social network and practice what they learn in academic studies. So they surely could get as many as they can get from textbooks (Yeah but you didn't prove this. If you want to prove A=B, you need to prove A=3 and B=3, not just A=3..).

总结：

语言方面不错，但是这个题目到现在为止似乎没有人写得非常切题过。。这是一个比较题，而且是要证明相等关系的比较，而不是好坏描述就好了！你现在写出来的是参加学生活动很好1，很好2，很好3，也就是A=3，但是你如果要证明A的好处和B的好处相等，你得证明B也等于3。。

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carino
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19楼

发表于 2012-10-11 21:24:32 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2012-10-11 20:54
10.7

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: the benefits that students can get f ...

十分感谢企鹅姐姐给改作文，正在看你改的其他作文呢，在破题和准确用词上获益匪浅呀！
这篇作文我纠结好久，写的时候已经知道没切题，看了一些别人的文章，也都觉得没说好。
想请教一下你：题目让比较的是从学生活动中得到的和从学术研究中得到的as many，但我觉得这两者不同质，不可比；如果在文章中说两者不同类无可比性（或者对于不同职业志趣的人来说从中得到的是不一样的），这样是不是违背题意了呢（题干这么问就是默认两者具有可比性）？
或者企鹅姐姐能不能给出一点破题思路？
非常感谢呀~:loveliness:

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mpromanus
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20楼

发表于 2012-10-12 04:00:21 |只看该作者

carino 发表于 2012-10-11 21:24
十分感谢企鹅姐姐给改作文，正在看你改的其他作文呢，在破题和准确用词上获益匪浅呀！
这篇作文我纠结好 ...

题目是as many的话，是注重数量比较，次要注重质量比较，所以这两者同质与否可比与否没有那么要紧。

以托福的要求来说，我觉得简单比较下两者的好处大小，也说得过去。如果想要比较严谨的论述，破题的想法：A的好处比B的好处多 -> 转换成 A的好处很多样，B的好处很单一 -> 找分论点证明A在数个方面都有很多样的好处，B的好处单一 -> 结论转回到 A的好处比B的好处多。

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