寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托语言类备考版 › TOEFL考试(IBT)讨论版 › TOEFL(IBT)作业区 › [独立写作]diaomanmomo同学独立作文求改

返回列表

查看: 2462|回复: 5

[作文] [独立写作]diaomanmomo同学独立作文求改 [复制链接]

diaomanmomo
UID：3359632

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 30
寄托币: 513
注册时间: 2012-8-8
精华: 0
帖子: 27

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2012-10-30 17:54:44 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

2011.7.8NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The friends that you can have fun with is more important than the friend that you can.

There is no doubt that our friends around us have made up an essential part of our lives. We can gain joys by hanging out with them and get the precious help from them as well. However, a real friend, as far as I am concerned, should be someone who is able to help me out when I need assitance, especially when I am in some serious trouble anxiously seeking for solutions or help. Because that is what a real friend means to me and its importance obviously overweights a friends who can just have fun together.

As long as we are living in this world dealing a variety of problems, interacting with different people, we would definitely encounter troubles. Some of the troubles could be handled pretty well at the cost of hard work and time, however, we have to admit that not all of the troubles could be handled all by ourselves and it is virtually a fact that everyone, no matter what his social status is, how wealthy he is or even how brilliant he is, has to seek help from others in order to get through some rainy days. Under such circumstances, the true value and significance of a friend shows. If you are fortunate enough to have a friend who can point out the right direction for your when you get lost, who can generously lend you some money when you are short in cash but have an surgery to do, wouldn't you feel so thankful and realize that this friend is truly a treasure in your life?

Besides, we can obtain precious experiences and guidances from our friends. Basically, the more friends we have, the more benefits we could get from those experiences. Since it is a extremely complicated world outside, one cannot possibly get to know all the details about everything, therefore it is critical that we get those valuable information from our friends and of course it is bidirectional. In this way, a considerable amount of time and efforts can be saved and can be used to simply the problems we are dealing with. Every time I start doing something I am unfamiliar with, the first thing to do is not beginning to work immediately. Instead, normally I would seek possible suggestions from my friends around me and they probably would provide some conductive advices based on their understanding or experiences. Even some of friends may not have much experiences in that areas, they can still offer me some interesting and inspiring ideas from time to time. With all those contributions from my friends, naturally, there would be less opportunities for me to waste time on wrong ways, thereby increasing the possibility of success.

Admittedly, as mentioned before, having fun with friends is also indispensable. People need social activities with their friends as much as we need air and water and I believe that the pleasure which come from the interactions with friends is irreplaceable. But, in fact, a real friend could be far more than someone we can only hang out with, instead, he could become a guide in our lives.

I believe a true friend is someone who is willing to stand out when I get into trouble, to share his experiences and insightful thoughts with me, to give me encouragement and guidance when I am having difficulties finding the right ways. Therefore, it would mean a lot more to me than having a friend who can only having fun with me.

相关帖子

回应
0

使用道具举报

mpromanus
UID：2565872

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 762
寄托币: 12296
注册时间: 2008-10-30
精华: 4
帖子: 907

沙发

发表于 2012-11-3 05:37:50 |只看该作者

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The friends that you can have fun with is (Either 'the friend..is', or 'the friends..are', but not 'the friends..is'.) more important than the friend that you can.(The question is incomplete.)

There is no doubt that our friends around us have made up an essential part of our lives. We can gain joys by hanging out with them and get the precious help from them as well. However, a real friend, as far as I am concerned, should be someone who is able to help me out when I need assistance, especially when I am in some serious trouble, anxiously seeking for solutions or help. Because that is what a real friend means to me (This is headed by 'because', and is a dependent clause, and cannot be 'and'-ed with an independent clause. 'and' can only join two similar structures.) and its importance obviously overweights a friends who can just have fun together.

As long as we are living in this world dealing with a variety of problems, interacting with different people, we would definitely encounter troubles. Some of the troubles could be handled pretty well at the cost of hard work and time, however, we have to admit that not all of the troubles could be handled all by ourselves, and it is virtually a fact that everyone, no matter what his social status is, how wealthy he is or even how brilliant he is, has to seek help from others in order to get through some rainy days. Under such circumstances, the true value and significance of a friend shows. If you are fortunate enough to have a friend who can point out the right direction for your when you get lost, who can generously lend you some money when you are short in cash but have an surgery to do (The first time I read this I thought it is 'you' who are performing the surgery. But of course I think you meant 'you are scheduled for a surgery', not 'have a surgery to do'. That is, 'you' should be at the receiving end of the surgery, not the originating end..), wouldn't you feel so thankful and realize that this friend is truly a treasure in your life?

Besides, we can obtain precious experiences and guidances from our friends. Basically, the more friends we have, the more benefits we could get from those experiences. Since it is an extremely complicated world outside, one cannot possibly get to know all the details about everything, therefore it is critical that we get that valuable information from our friends and of course it is bidirectional. In this way, a considerable amount of time and efforts can be saved and can be used to simplify the problems we are dealing with. Every time I start doing something I am unfamiliar with, the first thing to do is not beginning to work immediately. Instead, normally I would seek possible suggestions from my friends around me and they probably would provide some conductive advices based on their understanding or experiences. Even some of friends may not have much experiences (Either 'much experience' or 'many experiences', but not 'much experiences'. Please be aware of your use of singular versus plural forms.) in that areas (Again.), they can still offer me some interesting and inspiring ideas from time to time. With all those contributions from my friends, naturally, there would be fewer opportunities for me to waste time on wrong ways, thereby increasing the possibility of success.

Admittedly, as mentioned before, having fun with friends is also indispensable. People need social activities with their friends as much as we need air and water and I believe that the pleasure which comes from the interactions with friends is irreplaceable. But, in fact, a real friend could be far more than someone we can only hang out with; instead, he could become a guide in our lives.

I believe a true friend is someone who is willing to stand out (to 'stand out' in English means 'to be conspicuous, easily seen, easily differentiated from others'. It does not mean the same thing as 站出来 in Chinese, which translates more likely to 'step up/out'.) when I get into trouble, to share his experiences and insightful thoughts with me, to give me encouragement and guidance when I am having difficulties finding the right ways. Therefore, it would mean a lot more to me than having a friend who can only have fun with me.

总结：

题目不完整所以基本没法对论述置评。。虽然从总体来看条理还是清晰的。语法上请特别注意单复的一致。

2016 fall语言学Phd申请情况叨叨帖
DMC 3表忠心花痴帖！

使用道具举报

diaomanmomo
UID：3359632

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 30
寄托币: 513
注册时间: 2012-8-8
精华: 0
帖子: 27

板凳

发表于 2012-11-6 15:02:44 |只看该作者

谢谢老师的点评，求继续点评！

Some people think that a university professor should focus time to doing research;while others think that the main role of a professor is to educate students in a university.What is your opinion and why?

As we all know, the professors have been playing a significant role in the university, where students can receive the high-level education and various new discoveries are made. However, as far as I am concerned, when it comes to the main role of a professor, I hold the view that they should spend a substantial amount of time and efforts in teaching, rather than in doing research in the labs. Since only by this way can we ensure the quality of our high-level education and give the students the best chance to succeed.

To begin with, there is no doubt that the most essential task for an university is to give the high level education to the students and that is also what the students go to universities for. In other words, students have to pay a relatively large amount of money and cost several years in the university in hope for getting the high quality education in the areas they are interested in. Therefore, it would be unfair for the students if the professors devote much of their time to researching, ignoring giving students the guidance. Because, as we know, the subjects in the universities require a deep understanding of the certain concepts, some of them even require sufficient practical experiences; thus, a student simply cannot get accomplished in a certain area without the assistance of his professor, who can offer him necessary guidance and point out the right direction for him.

In addition, it is not only necessary but also quite worthwhile for professors to spend much time and effort in educating students. Because the high quality students can earn reputation for the university. The reason is quite straightforward: if a student is doing quite well in the academic areas, people would definitely know which university he is from; therefore, students are more likely to apply for certain programs this university. Also, if a student succeeds in finding a position in a company after graduating from this university and get his work acknowledged by his teammates or his boss, there is no doubt the there is higher possibility for this company to hire the students from the same university later on, which could in turn encourage more potential students to apply for certain majors in this university. In the end, more high level students would like to come to the university and they can contribute to the academic achievements of the professors and the university eventually. Thus, the professors naturally benefit from teaching.

Someone might argue that doing research is also indispensable for professors. Admittedly, we cannot overlook the significance of the research in a university. In fact, many useful and brilliant inventions in fact originate from the labs in the university, however, wouldn't it be more efficient if more high qualified students could be involved in the research and contribute their own creative and insightful thoughts to the projects? To make this become true, the professors should first, of course, educate and guide the students, making them more and more skillful and accomplished.

With all the reasons above, a professor should first be a qualified teacher, who can effectively improve the academic level of the students and give them the right direction. In this way, it could ultimately benefit both the students and professors themselves.

使用道具举报

mpromanus
UID：2565872

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 762
寄托币: 12296
注册时间: 2008-10-30
精华: 4
帖子: 907

地板

发表于 2012-11-7 06:26:32 |只看该作者

diaomanmomo 发表于 2012-11-6 15:02
谢谢老师的点评，求继续点评！

Some people think that a university professor should focus time to d ...

Some people think that a university professor should focus time to doing research; while others think that the main role of a professor is to educate students in a university. What is your opinion and why?

As we all know, the professors have been playing a significant role in the university, where students can receive the (Here you need to use either 'a', or no article at all. If you talk about 'THE' high-level education, it means there is a specific type of high-level education you want to talk about; but what you want to talk about is high-level education in general.) high-level education and various new discoveries are made. However, as far as I am concerned, when it comes to the main role of a professor, I hold the view that they (You started with the singular 'a professor', and here it becomes a plural 'they' – please remember to be consistent.) should spend a substantial amount of time and efforts in teaching, rather than in doing research in the labs. Since (If you begin a sentence with 'since', it cannot stand on its own as a sentence any more. It has to have a 2nd clause, e.g. 'since I am hungry, I am going to eat a sandwich'. 'I am hungry' is a perfect sentence on itself, but 'since I am hungry' is not. This is the same problem as the clause headed by 'because' in your last essay. Think about this in Chinese – you need to say 因为只有这样我们才能保证。。, or 只有这样我们(才)能保证。。,but not 因为只有这样我们能保证。。) only by this way can we ensure the quality of our high-level education (I know it's called 高等教育 in Chinese but in English you call it 'higher education', not 'high-level education'.) and give the students the best chance to succeed.

To begin with, there is no doubt that the most essential task for an university is to give the (See first paragraph.) high level education to the students and that is also what the students go to universities for. In other words, students have to pay a relatively large amount of money and cost (Things 'cost' time and money, not people. People only 'spend' time and money on things.) several years in the university in hope for getting the high quality education in the areas they are interested in. Therefore, it would be unfair for the students if the professors devote much of their time to researching, ignoring to give students the guidance. Because, as we know, the subjects in the universities require a deep understanding of the certain concepts, some of them even require sufficient practical experiences; thus, a student simply cannot get accomplished in a certain area without the assistance of his professor, who can offer him necessary guidance and point out the right direction for him.

In addition, it is not only necessary but also quite worthwhile for professors to spend much time and effort in educating students. Because the high quality students can earn reputation for the university (Again, a sentence starting with 'because' cannot stand on its own as a sentence any more. You need to either join this to the previous sentence, or continue with another clause.). The reason is quite straightforward: if a student is doing quite well in the academic areas, people would definitely know which university he is from; therefore, students are more likely to apply for certain programs in this university. Also, if a student succeeds in finding a position in a company after graduating from this university and get his work acknowledged by his teammates or his boss, there is no doubt that there is a higher possibility for this company to hire the students from the same university later on, which could in turn encourage more potential students to apply for certain majors in this university. In the end, more high level students would like to come to the university and they can contribute to the academic achievements of the professors and the university eventually. Thus, the professors naturally benefit from teaching.(Well argued.)

Someone might argue that doing research is also indispensable for professors. Admittedly, we cannot overlook the significance of the research in a university. In fact, many useful and brilliant inventions in fact originate from the labs in the university. However, wouldn't it be more efficient if more highly qualified students could be involved in the research and contribute their own creative and insightful thoughts to the projects? To make this become true, the professors should first, of course, educate and guide the students, making them more and more skillful and accomplished.

With all the reasons above, a professor should first be a qualified teacher, who can effectively improve the academic level of the students and give them the right direction. In this way, it could ultimately benefit both the students and professors themselves.

总结：

论述很好，很有条理，也很完整。请注意一下定冠词的用法，名词作泛指的时候可以略去定冠词的，不需要每处都加the。。还有就是你反复出现用because/since带单句的情况，请注意这两个词放在句首的话，这句话单独就不成句了，必须写成复句：I am hungry. *Since/because I am hungry. (* = ungrammaticality)

2016 fall语言学Phd申请情况叨叨帖
DMC 3表忠心花痴帖！

使用道具举报

diaomanmomo
UID：3359632

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 30
寄托币: 513
注册时间: 2012-8-8
精华: 0
帖子: 27

5楼

发表于 2012-11-13 13:55:57 |只看该作者

谢谢老师的点评！请老师继续点评！

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Young people today are more likely to help other than young people in the past.Use specific reansons to support your answer.

We are now living in a society that requires us to provide necessary assistance to each other, to cooperate with each other for the sake of greater achievements, both for the individuals and the whole society. As for the young people, as far as I am concerned, they are undoubtedly more likely to help others nowadays, since it is much easier and more convenient for them to offer help, more importantly, in most circumstances, it is beneficial and necessary to do so.

To begin with, with the rapid development of modern communication technologies and transportation systems, there is no doubt that there are dramatically increasing ways for us to provide help and the problems to be solved can be exposed to other people more widely and conveniently. Specifically, if someone is seeking for a solution for a specific problem, he or she can just post this question on the discussion group on the internet and thus this problem has been exposed to hundreds of thousands of young people all over the world. As a consequence, he or she is not just looking for help from one person, instead, he or she is actually asking for solutions from a large number of people and naturally the problem is more likely to be solved. Similarly, for the people who have read that post, it is also convenient for him/her to answer. He/she can even have an on-line chatting with the person who proposes the question, thereby improving the efficiency of problem solving. However, the cost of both sides is kept relatively low, whereas in the past, we may have to travel a long long way to meet someone else in person to discuss the problem.

In addition, the globalization progress is an irreversible tendency that requires the young people from different regions and countries, which have different cultures and languages, to work more closely and cooperate with each other. Because the problems we are facing now are no longer standalone, instead, they are more complex and consist of a variety of factors and aspects. As is known to all, the environmental problem has been a global problem. In order to handle this tough issue, the technologies used to deal with it should be shared among all the people from the world. Young people are now playing a more and more significant role in handling such a problem, and therefore it is their responsibilities to get help from others and also to offer their own help to others. Only by this way can we overcome the challenges like this and make our world a better place to live.

With the reasons above, I hold the view that young people nowadays are more likely to help others, not only because it is easier and more convenient to offer help today than it is in the past, but also because it is our only way to face and overcome global challenges.

使用道具举报

mpromanus
UID：2565872

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 762
寄托币: 12296
注册时间: 2008-10-30
精华: 4
帖子: 907

6楼

发表于 2012-11-17 04:11:36 |只看该作者

diaomanmomo 发表于 2012-11-13 13:55
谢谢老师的点评！请老师继续点评！

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Young peop ...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people today are more likely to help others than young people in the past. Use specific reasons to support your answer.

We are now living in a society that requires us to provide necessary assistance to each other, to cooperate with each other for the sake of greater achievements, both for the individuals and the whole society. As for the young people, as far as I am concerned, they are undoubtedly more likely to help others nowadays, since it is much easier and more convenient for them to offer help, and more importantly, in most circumstances, it is beneficial and necessary to do so.

To begin with, with the rapid development of modern communication technologies and transportation systems, there is no doubt that there are dramatically increasing ways for us to provide help and the problems to be solved can be exposed to other people more widely and conveniently. Specifically, if someone is seeking for a solution for a specific problem, he or she can just post this question on a discussion group on the internet and thus this problem has been exposed to hundreds of thousands of young people all over the world. As a consequence, he or she is not just looking for help from one person, instead, he or she is actually asking for solutions from a large number of people and naturally the problem is more likely to be solved. Similarly, for the people who have read that post, it is also convenient for him/her to answer. He/she can even have an on-line chatting with the person who proposes the question, thereby improving the efficiency of problem solving. However, the cost of both sides is kept relatively low, whereas in the past, we may have to travel a long long way to meet someone else in person to discuss the problem. (This is a good point, well explained too. A possible improvement would be to further explain why this is particularly relevant for 'young' people.)

In addition, the globalization progress is an irreversible tendency that requires the young people from different regions and countries, which have different cultures and languages, to work more closely and cooperate with each other. Because the problems we are facing now are no longer standalone, instead, they are more complex and consist of a variety of factors and aspects. As is known to all, the environmental problem (This is definitely one of my personal 'most hated' expressions..because it's just too vague. Myriads of issues fall under 'the environmental problem': air pollution, oil spills, over-fishing, deforestation..there is just no one single problem that is 'THE environmental problem'. Now, in Chinese you can say 环境问题, but that is only because this phrase in Chinese has sort of a default meaning, which roughly translates to 'the degradation of the quality of the environment'. There is no such default meaning in the English phrase.) has been a global problem. In order to handle this tough issue, the technologies used to deal with it should be shared among all the people in the world. Young people are now playing a more and more significant role in handling such a problem, and therefore it is their responsibilities to get help from others and also to offer their own help to others. Only by this way can we overcome the challenges like this and make our world a better place to live.(Good argument. But, having more responsibility to help doesn't necessarily mean these young people will be more likely to actually do the action of helping..it's like, being promoted to a higher rank in your office doesn't necessarily mean you are more likely to act more appropriately..just imagine the stereotypical Chinese government official, yes? Now I'm making a joke here, but my point is that you just need to tie your argument back more closely to your actual question. Just one extra sentence at the end of the paragraph will do: something along the line of 'Thus this singular responsibility would make young people feel more obliged to help other people, and in turn become more likely to do so.')

With the reasons above, I hold the view that young people nowadays are more likely to help others, not only because it is easier and more convenient to offer help today than it is in the past, but also because it is our only way to face and overcome global challenges.

总结：

总体来说都很好，分论点的段尾可以更加明确地点题一些~

2016 fall语言学Phd申请情况叨叨帖
DMC 3表忠心花痴帖！