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[作文] 【独立写作】芥菜粽·作业贴 [复制链接]

yhggg
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发表于 2013-1-31 11:38:07 |只看该作者

好啦~多多交流

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ldj0902
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发表于 2013-2-1 00:41:48 |只看该作者

1.31作业已修改
请改下我的，麻烦~~ https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1494624-1-2.html

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秋雨荆州
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发表于 2013-2-2 20:25:25 |只看该作者

hello~2月1号的同题写作我挑你的来改啦~过一会儿把贴址给你~

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秋雨荆州
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发表于 2013-2-2 21:04:00 |只看该作者

https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=2903781

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mpromanus
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发表于 2013-2-5 09:15:54 |只看该作者

2.4 Some jobs pay high salaries to employees but require them live far away from their family and friends. Some jobs pay low salaries but allow employees to live closer to their family and friends. Which job do you prefer? And why?

Salaries, as well as the condition of relationships among people (I kind of understand what you're trying to say but the expression is just so very awkward, simply because in English you don't usually talk about relationships in terms of 'condition'. Rather, you'd probably talk about the 'state' of a relationship.), both make crucial effects (You don't 'make' effects, but rather 'have' or 'exert' effects, or simply just 'affect'. This kind of knowledge, of which words usually pair or do not pair with certain other words, is called 'collocation', and I strongly suggest every learner to pay special attention to this.) when one determines which job he will take up. Some employees prefer jobs with high salaries, but they may face the reality that they should live far away from their families and friends. Others prefer those with low salaries and being close to their families and friends (This 'and' in the middle is structurally ambiguous, because it can either be under 'those', i.e. conjoining 'low salaries' and 'being close..', or be under 'prefer', i.e. conjoining 'those with low salaries' and 'being close..'. Of course the latter is grammatically more correct, but I'd suggest changing this 'and' to 'while', just to take away any possible ambiguity.). If I should make a choice between the two, I prefer jobs with high salaries.

It is beyond question that living near to one’s family and friends as the compensation for a low salary is acceptable to many people. Human beings as one the species of social animals (I could just add 'of' after 'one' but that would make the phrase unreadable, so I'd suggest taking out 'one the species of' entirely. You don't really need to flaunt the word 'species' to get the idea across.), rely fundamentally on the relationships like family ties and friendship to develop and live. Being with their families, people will feel safety and being cared for, which makes them do things better than when they are alone (You're not 'than'-ing against anything, but against an adverbial phrase here. In simpler terms, what you want to say is something similar to 'do things better than usual' but not 'do things better than my English'. If you get lost in your complex sentences and are unsure what exactly should be 'than'-ed against, then split the sentence. Do not try too hard to produce long sentences you aren't completely confident of.). For example, once when I had a fever in the city which was far away from my hometown where my parents lived, I felt it grieved for me to care for myself with my headache disturbing, and pretending to be healthier than my real situation to let my parents not worry about me (1. You 'grieve'. Or something 'grieves' you. It's a verb in itself. You can feel 'grieved' by something, or something can be 'grievous', which is sort of related to 'grieve' but not quite exactly the same idea..my point is that you just don’t say anything like 'I feel it grieved for me to..'. If you want to use a difficult word, please observe how it is used in native speech/writing, and imitate. Do not plug it into sentences based on its Chinese meaning; 2. SPLIT THIS UP. You are scrambling like, 4 sentences into one. At the VERY least, you need some punctuation to break this up for the sake of your readers.). If I was at home, I could expose myself to them (To 'expose' yourself has a connotation of showing your weakness to some dangerous or harmful effect, e.g. 'expose oneself to attack'. It doesn't quite just mean to 'display completely without hiding anything', which could be to 'bare', or more positively, 'open up'.) without hesitation and received my parents’ care. In this way maybe I could heal faster and become easier (Right. I'm not sure what you think 'easy' means but it doesn't mean 轻松 as in the sense of 'relieved'. The nearest Chinese translation would probably be 轻易, which is different from 轻松 anyway.). On the contrary, it is the same (If it's the 'same' then it's NOT contrary..the phrase is 'vice versa'.) when my parents feel sick. Besides, living away from those who you are familiar with sometimes doesn’t equal the money you get from sacrificing it (What is 'it'?). Some people work outside very hard for higher payments, but only to find that they lose their families when they want to go back home.

Nevertheless, a high-salary-job (This kind of compounding is not encouraged in proper formal writing, in the sense that I would only use it on Facebook. It often has a special literary effect, and can only be used when you can't efficiently express the same idea with normal phrasing - like, 'a well-paid job'. Rephrase. To be able to fully and effectively use simple words is far better than flaunting long words in all sort of wrong ways.) with living far away (You can't 'with' this because 'living far away' is not a noun phrase that you can 'with' with 'a job'. 'living' alone is a noun but it means something else. The most you can do is to 'and' or 'while' them together.) does have its advantages. Firstly, one can earn a large amount of money in a relatively short period. Thus he can have his family migrate to the place where he works and settle down, which is very common nowadays. One friend of mine has lived in our capital city for several years for the reason that her father gets a good job there and makes the whole family to move. Secondly, people can get to know new friends. Those who are old friends may be not connecting with ('with' whom?) frequently, but those who are new to you are still people which you can associate with and become new friends with. I regard it beneficial if a person can have various friends from different places and multiple fields, which is also a method for one to make progress. Thirdly, as the rapid growing prices of daily goods and house prices (You need a verb in the 'as' clause.), if people satisfy with low salaries only, it will be harmful to both themselves and their families. So it is important for one to get a high salary if his family cannot support itself enough.

In conclusion, due to my situation now (I didn't see what your situation now is. Where did you describe it?), I prefer to have a job with a high salary though it may bring some problems. However, I think it will be great if I can find good job with high salary in the region I live in.

总结：

于是又是一篇语法用词总体很好很强大但是依旧出现各种词不达意的文啊。。最近的孩纸们至少在长句和词汇上相当厉害哦，笑。论述很好，例子也很好，对付托福是够了，但是正面和反面篇幅几乎相当，会让你的正面论点不够给力，尤其是你花了很大力气还加例子去论述对方论点，然后正面论述完全是不同的角度，没有任何反驳，最后还说根据我的现状来看我还是选A，但是也没有说清楚你的现状到底是神马。。于是以我的标准看来更加不够给力。。

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