[优秀习作] issue62 [复制链接]

suxie
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电梯直达

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发表于 2003-6-10 10:09:30 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

已经改过一遍，可还是有疑问，想和大家探讨一下。就怕没人理睬：（

62 The widespread idea that people should make self-improvement a primary goal in their lives is problematic because it assumes that people are intrinsically deficient.
到底problematic指的是什么，作者认为问题出在那里，是认为人intrinsically deficient是错的，人应该是非intrinsically deficient？从哪里入手好呢？
Disagree
1. none of us are perfect however excellent he is
2. self-improvement is a original motivation of human to improve himself and to the extend of human society
3. the ultimate purpose of self-improvement is to gain a better life

Though self-improvement is bound to the assume that people are intrinsically deficient, it does not mean that making self-improvement a primary goal is problematic. The speaker actually holds a pessimistic（？？题目还是不太理解） view of human capacity. Contrarily, intrinsically deficient might be an original motivation for man to surpass himself and pursue a better life. As a result of the effort of people’s self-improvement, human achieve the brilliant civilization in history.

Reluctant as we are, we have to admit that none of us is impeccable however excellent he is. First and most obviously, one cannot top in every field. The most talent scholars of history such as Socrates, though made outstanding contribution in philosophy, arts and so on, cannot be experts in science. Newton, the giant of science, was not good at arts. It is so difficult to set a perfect paradigm in one aspect of intellect, saying nothing in the aspect of morality. Sages with great personality also have to fight against their flaws in their whole life. Therefore, as a common person, we are impossible to be impeccable and self-improvement is needed to conquer our intrinsically deficient.

One may argue that it is not necessary to top in every aspect therefore self-improvement needn’t become a primal goal. Actually, the instinct of competing acquires man to improve himself continuously so that he can keep ahead with other people. As soon as the question of prestige arises, as soon as we feel disgraced if we lag behind others, self-improvement becomes important. What is more, people obtain more enjoyment during the process that they fight against themselves. For instance, when you overcome your timidity and make a speech in front of public, you will feel proud of yourself though the speech is not so excellent as others. Such scene of achievement is much more valuable than fame, fortune and so forth, which are actually reward to one’s self-improvement and byproducts of competition. But the progresses are based on admitting the deficient. The man who declares himself is perfect is merely smug and the thought will lead to stagnancy. Only those who knows their flaws clearly can elevate himself efficiently.

Self-improvement is not only an original movtity of personal progress, but also a drive of social advancement. The more we improve ourselves, the more contribution we can make to the entire society. Because everyone in the community aspires to improve himself and pursue a better life, he continuously challenges himself in the field of knowledge, science and technology. As a result, the fortune of society is greatly enrich and culture is well developed.

In sum, it is unwarranted that self-improvement a primary goal in their lives is problematic because it assumes that people are intrinsically deficient. It is not a shame to be a flawed person, but a shame to give up oneself for certain reason. Challenge to one’s flaw and improve oneself is the most exciting things in one’s life and the final purpose of elevating oneself should be sublimated to service to the whole society.

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paisley
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沙发

发表于 2003-6-11 09:41:32 |只看该作者

Though self-improvement is bound to the assume（应是assumption） that people are intrinsically deficient, it does not mean that making self-improvement a primary goal is problematic. The speaker actually holds a pessimistic（可以的，你认为这个论断说明命题者是悲观态度，可以） view of human capacity. Contrarily, intrinsically deficient might be an original motivation for man to surpass himself and pursue a better life. As a result of the effort of people’s self-improvement, human achieve the brilliant civilization in history.

Reluctant as we are, we have to admit that none of us is impeccable however（应该是whatever） excellent he is. First and most obviously, one cannot top in every field. The most talent（应是talented） scholars of history such as Socrates, though （应加having，保持句子的通顺）made outstanding contribution in philosophy, arts and so on, cannot be experts （应是an expert）in science. Newton, the giant of science, was not good at arts. It is so difficult to set a perfect paradigm in one aspect of intellect, saying（？？） nothing in the aspect of morality. Sages with great personality also have to fight against their flaws in their whole life. Therefore, as a common person, we are impossible to be impeccable and self-improvement is needed to conquer our intrinsically deficient.

One may argue that it is not necessary to top in every aspect therefore self-improvement needn’t become a primal goal. Actually, the instinct of competing acquires man（应是men） to improve himself continuously so that he can keep ahead with other people. As soon as the question of prestige arises, as soon as we feel disgraced if we lag behind others, self-improvement becomes important. What is more, people obtain more enjoyment during the process that they fight against themselves. For instance, when you overcome your timidity and make a speech in front of public, you will feel proud of yourself though the speech is not so excellent as others. Such scene of achievement is much more valuable than fame, fortune and so forth, which are actually reward to one’s self-improvement and byproducts of competition. But the progresses are based on admitting the deficient. The man who declares himself is perfect is merely smug and the thought will lead to stagnancy. Only those who knows（s应去掉） their flaws clearly can elevate himself efficiently.

Self-improvement is not only an original movtity（应是motivation） of personal progress, but also a drive of social advancement. The more we improve ourselves, the more contribution we can make to the entire society. Because everyone in the community aspires to improve himself and pursue a better life, he continuously challenges himself in the field of knowledge, science and technology. As a result, the fortune of society is greatly enrich and culture is well developed.

In sum, it is unwarranted that（加一个putting，不然句子缺少成分） self-improvement a primary goal in their lives is problematic because it assumes that people are intrinsically deficient. It is not a shame to be a flawed person, but a shame to give up oneself for certain reason. Challenge to one’s flaw and improve oneself is the most exciting things in one’s life and the final purpose of elevating oneself should be sublimated to service to the whole society.

到底problematic指的是什么，作者认为问题出在那里，

题目是“人们普遍认为生活的主要目标是自我提升，这一观念是有问题的（problematic），因为这一观念假设了人们本质上就是有缺陷的”
你觉得这句话对吗？以上这个命题中，因是“这一观念假设了人们先天就是有缺陷的”，果是“这一观念是有问题的”。因导致果。那么你可以批驳：因不存在，或者果并不存在，或此因并不导致此果，或另有其他原因导致此果。等等。思路和以前的逻辑单体完全一样。

是认为人intrinsically deficient是错的，人应该是非intrinsically deficient？从哪里入手好呢？

你这个想法就是批驳因的错误。因并不存在。
不过我看你文章开头写的更像是批驳“因不一定导致这个果”。这跟你后面写的有点脱节。你最好开头就直接表明“人本质上的确是有缺陷的，这是无可否认的，因此我们更需要把自我提升当成生活的目标。”

提纲列的不错。下面些得也很好。说理很明白，也有深度。语言不错，就是有些小错误，尤其在写长句的时候，容易漏掉一些句子承认。

你很有希望拿高分，希望多多练习。也希望你能帮其他人批改一下他们的作文，或者只是提点建议也好！

UA
我说人生哪，如果赏过一回痛哭淋漓的风景，写一篇杜鹃啼血的文章，与一个赏心悦目的人错肩，也就够了。不要收藏美、钤印美，让美随风而逝。生命最清醉的时候，是将万里长江视为一匹白绢，裂帛。(简桢)

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