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[主题活动] 7月老GRE作文互改小组作文展示, 跪求高手指教 [复制链接]

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发表于 2011-6-7 10:37:50 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
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Argument 187
The following appeared as part of an article in a health magazine.

“A new discovery warrants a drastic change in the diets of people living in the United States. Two scientists have recently suggested that omega-3 fatty acids (found in some fish and fish oils) play a key role in mental health. Our ancestors, who ate less saturated fat and more polyunsaturated fat, including omega-3 fatty acids, were much less likely to suffer from depression than we are today. More over, modern societies – such as those in Japan and Taiwan in China – that consume large quantities of fish report depression rates lower than that in the United States. Given this link between omega-3 fatty acids and depression, it is important for all people in the United States to increase their consumption of fish in order to prevent depression.”

提纲:
1.the link between omega-3 and depression, is incredible.
2.Not enough information about the amount of fish US people purchase.
3. the link between omega-3 and fish, is also incredible.
In this article, the author tries to persuade US people buy more fish to decrease depression through two comparisons. He compares our ancestors with today's people, and compares Japan and Taiwan with US. Seemingly reasonable; however, the author fails to provide supportive evidences to convince us.
First, the arguer fails to create an appropriate link between omega-3 fatty acids and mental depression. Through saying that our ancestors ate less saturated fat and more polyunsaturated fat (including omega-3 fatty acids), they had less chance to suffer depression as today. From this argument we can see that omega-3 is not the only factor to decrease depression. It is much likely that less saturated fat is more important factor to decrease depression, not more omega-3, and the arguer fails to tell us that is not true. Thus, it is not convincible without clarifying omega-3 is the most important factor to decrease depression.
Even if the author manages to convince us that omega-3 is the most important factor, he made an unequal comparison between US, Japan and Taiwan. By saying Japan and Taiwan purchase large amount of fish and thus people there have less chance of depression, the author suggests US people buy more fish. This comparison does not make sense because the author doesn't provide the amount of fish that US purchases. If US purchase no less amount than Japanese and Taiwan, the amount of fish is not the main factor for the depression differences. Therefore, to make an equal comparison, the author needs to make sure US people buy much less fish than people in Japan and Taiwan.
Last but not least, the author is not credible to link fish with omega-3. He just says that omega-3 is found in some fish and fish oils, which means not all kinds of fish have omega-3. Moreover, it seems that only omega-3 is important to decrease the depression, according to the arguer. Thus, the author is incredible to convince US people to buy more fish without pointing out which kinds of fish contain omega-3.
In conclusion, the author made a reasonable suggestion; however, he fails into fallacy without providing enough information about the link between omega-3 and depression, the amount of fish that US people purchase, and the kinds of fish that contains omega-3.


Issue 232 (Optional)
“The purpose of education should be to create an academic environment that is separate from the outside world. This kind of environment is ideal because it allows students to focus on important ideas without being held back by practical concerns.”
提纲:
1.It is true sometimes education in separate environment can help students focus on their study.
2. However, communication with outside world is very important for education itself.
3. Students also need to communicate with outside world to improve practical skills.
A discussion about that the education should create an isolated academic island or communicate with outside world lasts long till now. I partly agree with the idea that education should separate from the world outside sometimes; however, I do not agree that education should live without practical concerns.
It is true that sometimes outside world can be distractive especially when students are educated to achieve a particular academic goal, such as a good exam grade. During the week before final exams, students stick in the libraries all days, doing nothing but preparing for the exams. Partly because they might not work hard at the previous time of the semester though, they do want to focus on their revision without being interrupted by other businesses, in these special days. If a student (not very talented and did not work well previously) chooses to play and relax instead of study in the library, he might not get a good exam grade. And the bad grade might influence his graduation and future academic achievements. In this case, isolation from outside world can really help students achieve their academic goals.
However, education is not all about the exams. Communication is very important in the academic field. When a researcher wants to start up with a new topic, he must research how many people have worked on this topic to avoid duplication. Communication is also meaningful to teaching. Teachers need to update their knowledge and information every semester from frontiers in their areas. They can also improve their teaching skills through talking with other teachers and thus learning from them. Therefore, education cannot get improved without communicating with outside world.
Even if education can get improved all by itself, students cannot improve themselves without communicating with the world outside. For example, in China, some high school students are told not to worry about practical businesses and focus on their preparation for the university entrance admission exam. After they manage to get in their universities, some of them have a hard time fitting into the new life in the university: suddenly they have to deal with practical stuff all by themselves but they were not trained to deal with them. While some students succeed to transit, someone feel a sense of lost and work poorly in university. Without enough practical training, many of them even feel harder to fit into the society after graduation. Although academic education is important, trainings on communication skills, working skills, teamwork and all the other practical skills are irreplaceable for students in their lifetime.
All in all, I partly agree that a separate academic world can help students focus on their study; however, communicating with outside world is also very important to improve education and help students fit into the society.
为什么只有五十个字符?!!!
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沙发
发表于 2011-6-7 20:20:35 |只看该作者
A discussion about that -->a discussion about whether

the world outside sometimes-->delete "sometimes"

however, I do not -->I, however, do not

education should live without -->education should develop without

work hard at the previous time of the semester-->...at the early time of the semester

instead of study in the-->instead of studying in the

might influence his graduation-->might affect his graduation

he must research how many people-->he must survey.....

and thus learning from them-->and thus learn......

get improved without communicating with outside world-->...without interaction with....

cannot improve themselves without -->cannot reinforce their ability without

were not trained to deal with them-->were not trained to handle/undertake/take on them

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板凳
发表于 2011-6-9 12:53:53 |只看该作者
2# yiyiniu

谢谢! 非常有帮助!!
为什么只有五十个字符?!!!

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地板
发表于 2011-6-9 12:54:38 |只看该作者
2# yiyiniu

如果你有习作可以让我帮你改!
为什么只有五十个字符?!!!

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发表于 2011-6-9 15:40:27 |只看该作者
- -AW......貌似都过了好久了
我更年期提前我自豪...凸(‵′)凸
( ̄ε(# ̄)  ╮( ̄▽ ̄)╭ ∑( ° △ °|||)︴ (= ̄ω ̄=) (→_→)  ( ̄▽ ̄)~*

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发表于 2011-6-14 03:48:02 |只看该作者
4# winnieywu

海外机考还没有结束!
为什么只有五十个字符?!!!

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RE: 7月老GRE作文互改小组作文展示, 跪求高手指教 [修改]
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