[习作点评] 6月11日同主题练习 issue33/109~希望和大家共同进步！ [复制链接]

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发表于 2015-6-11 17:16:34 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-6-11 22:21 编辑

ISSUE: 33) As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more complex and mysterious.

（同上篇问题：老师好~我在写这篇作文的时候时间其实用了40多分钟，我本身打字速度不快呃，老师能不能帮忙看看每个例子应该如何精简呢？谢谢啦~）

建议你下次练习试下做成表格 https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1837576&pid=1779558182&fromuid=2191404

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

According to the statement, the more we learn, the more bewildering we are, regardless of what learning stage we are and what field we are learning. In my opinion, when people are at the initial stage of learning, the process of studying actually illuminates our thoughts,注意断句 then when we reach the higher level of study, the ocean of knowledge overwhelms us to some extent. What’s more, the it comes to fine art, the statement stays true at times.
你的主旨句前面按照学习的阶段来分类这个大概可以但是后面又突然说fine art 这个就和前面衔接不上了  讨论问题的框架需要具有内在的逻辑  你这个框架不够严密

When people are at the very early stage of learning, everything seems to be unbelievable due to the lacking fundamental commend of knowledge, 断句as time pass by, people master the mechanism of it so the previous misunderstanding is diminished, that is to say, things get to be more comprehensible. It goes without saying that when primary students regard the chemical reaction as “magic”, they don’t get the hang of why the mixture two types of pure liquid turns to red. Whereas when they attend senior high schools, they are taught the basic knowledge of chemic and then they are able to figure out the mysterious “tricks” that they could not comprehend years ago. From this case, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that at the early stage of learning, the more we study, the more tangible things are.

chemic ？
As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible
我们处理这类命题的一般套路是将这个general statement 加一些限定条件在一个具体的语境中讨论但是讨论的时候还是要严格按照原命题的思路
也就是说 we可以变成具体的人群比如科学家或者你说的小学生而knowledge就要变成具体的某些知识还有acquire  things 都需要具体演绎
但是在你这一段里我没有看到acquire  knowledge
你一开始似乎在说缺乏知识 master the mechanism of it 这个并不是acquire knowledge
mixture two types of pure liquid turns to red不太明白你在说什么

你这段想说的是在接受基础教育的过程中获取知识可以让我们更理解各种事情我想这个point应该在主题句中概括出来目前显然没有做到

Yet when we enter the higher level of study, we figure out the complexity of the world, which means the seemingly unimpeachable theories or phenomenon become hard to explain. The widely-acknowledged simplest and the most charming equation in math, 1 plus 1 equal 2, obscures hundreds of thousands of famous mathematicians in the world and the sharpest minds all over the world still take pains out to explain the equation. In advanced studies, we don’t take everything for granted; we question the core of the problem in order to reveal the mask of science.

这个例子举的不是很好  读者可能无法理解为什么1+1=2是复杂的而且你这里也没有提到acquire knowledge

In addition, when it comes to art, when artists gain more colorful experience, it is more likely that their works confuse the world. Take Picasso’s works as a case in point. Picasso’s early paintings were very palpable, I am not a virtuoso myself but at least I can recognize the subject of a painting, a boy or a girl. Nevertheless, if you take a careful look at his words in his late years, you can barely understand what the painting trying to convey because the objects are too abstract and twisted. As he became older, he experienced new things, mixed more painting styles and so on, then finally gave birth to his own unique style, which now we may think is unrealistic and confound.

问题前面已经说了突然讲 fine art 使文章的整体框架有问题

Taking all analysis made above, we can firmly say that when we don’t know much about certain field, with absorbing more knowledge, we know the basic or perfunctory mechanism of it, however, if we plumb deeper, the patent theories or phenomenon cannot explain themselves, we feel becloud when facing the many aspects of the nature. Moreover, in the art field, acquiring more knowledge will add the complexity of artistic works.

（第三个正文段写关于art，感觉和前两个正文段是脱节额，感觉很别扭，希望老师指点！）

主题, supporting, knowledge, position, discuss