[经典批改讨论] Issue48 【0706G－LOVEAW小组】第十次作业 by iq28 [复制链接]

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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-2-21 22:43:15 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ISSUE48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
WORDS: 748 TIME: N/A DATE: 2007-2-21

Fundamentally I disagree with the author's assertion. Since there is no such a balance upon which can the contributions of individualities and groups of people be weighed, the topic may be too intricate for the author to announce superiority of groups of people to those brilliant individuals. To present my viewpoint, I will discuss the complexity of the issue in the following details.

Great milestones in fields as natural science, arts, are usually be erected by those gifted persons. For example, the first industry revolution was provoked by the appearance of steam machine, which was invented and improved by a single man named James Watt. The second industry revolution, during which the electricity power was widely utilized among the world, was a result of the ten years of hardworking of the great British scientist Faraday. When it comes to arts, Beethoven and his music style are adored by the later critics as the watershed of the classicism and romanticism. All these changes have been made by the individualities, due to their unusual talent, experience, persistence or so forth, and these do not happens occasionally. Compared with groups of common people, those prominent persons whose names have successfully been passed down from generations to generations are more responsible, intelligent, diligent, all of which are necessary factors that lead to primary accomplishments. The same work done by the ordinary groups of people day by day does make sense, but lacking inspiration, nothing new and significant will be created merely through the repeated or even boring work. Therefore, it is those extraordinary persons but not those great people that contribute more to the overall trends and developments of the society.

Admittedly, it is unfair to neglect the outstanding accomplishments made by the groups of people. In the Second World War, thousands of British soldiers sacrificed their lives to defeat the attack of the brutal Nazi. The huge project of Manhattan cannot succeed without the talents of myriad scientists assembled in Los Alamos National Laboratory. Although the history merely immortalizes the wise and powerful leadership of Churchill and the father of nuclear weapon Oppenheimer who took the charge of the project, it is the British Army that faced and fought with the enemies in the front-line, and the major part of the project of Manhattan was obviously done by other scientists but not a single Oppenheimer. To be just, limelight of the public always prefers to focus on those eminent idols. As a result, eventually the efforts made by the inferiors of the leader were forgotten by the society, and thus fails to gain their niches in the history. To some extent I show my mercy for those unnamed, for their indispensable achievements are often completely shadowed by the aura of their leader, which is apparently somewhat unjust for them.

However, despite of the contribution, the work of the groups of people is not without their problems. Oftentimes their work only limits to the existed certain circle, if they have not received the directions given by few brilliant people, never can they create new tools or ideas which are more crucial in promoting the human race. At the same time, just as mentioned above, the ideas and abilities of leader can only be fully fulfilled with the overall hardworking of his colleagues, partners or inferiors. In fact, the individuals and groups are not incompatible, but when they cooperate, momentous progress will take place at a much higher possibility. The individual just lead the group to the entrance of a new world, then the steps into the new world must be taken by the group, just as it did in the two times of industrial revolutions. Although Watt and Faraday created steam machine and electricity power, they cannot release their amazing power unless they are applied by the industries. Consequentially we can see a perfect cooperation is born, if those pictures above always come true in the history.

In summary, if consider the human race as a giant, his left leg is the talented individuals while the right is the groups of people. It is impossible to imagine that the giant can advance towards prosperity with only one of his legs. In addition, just as discussed above, although the groups' contribution is affluent when seen as a whole, the credits made by a great individuality is much more significant than any single person of the groups, which may be the reason why history grants him the honor that his name is remembered forever.

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-6-19 13:33 编辑 ]

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沙发

发表于 2007-2-25 15:17:21 |只看该作者

自己的修改
重点问题就在第二段 groups of people的sustain不同于对于trends的贡献
还有,文章可能对于人是否被记住可能没有论述太多,不过可能也没有必要

Fundamentally, I disagree with the author' assertion for he overlooks the significant contribution which only can be achieved by the brilliant individualities. There is no denying that the majority of the people in society play a vital role in sustaining the society, we shall never forget their outstanding work which greatly accelerates nearly every aspects of the developments of our society. (开头拼凑的)

(新的第一段)Fundamentally I disagree with the author's assertion. Since there is no such a balance upon which can the contributions of individualities and groups of people be weighed, the topic may be too intricate for the author to announce superiority of groups of people to those brilliant individuals. To present my viewpoint, I will discuss the complexity of the issue in the following details.

Great milestones in fields as natural science, arts, are usually be erected by those gifted persons. For example, the first industry revolution was provoked by the appearance of steam machine, which was invented and improved by a single man named James Watt. The second industry revolution, during which the electricity power was widely utilized among the world, was a result of the ten years of hardworking of the great British scientist Faraday. When it comes to arts, Beethoven and his music style are adored by the later critics as the watershed of the classicism and romanticism. All these changes have been made by the individualities, due to their unusual talent, experience, persistence or so forth, and these do not happens occasionally. Compared with groups of common people, those prominent persons whose names have successfully been passed down from generations to generations are more responsible, intelligent, diligent, all of which are necessary factors that lead to primary accomplishments. The same work done by the ordinary groups of people day by day does make sense, but lacking inspiration, nothing new and significant will be created merely through the repeated or even boring work. Therefore, it is those extraordinary persons but not those great people that contribute more to the overall trends and developments of the society. (惊奇的发现这一段论证得还有点样子)
第二段不改,留给表得谁谁谁^_^~~

Actually we cannot neglect the meaning of the major part of the society, that is the groups of people, who also succeeded in fulfilling their responsibilities in sustain the existence and harmony of the society. Millions of peasants heavily plunder their farms to feed the society, millions of cleaners sweep the streets of the metropolis, millions of workers build the houses, factories, schools hospitals for us. Undoubtedly their contributions are at least as heavy as those who have their names in histories do, or even more essential. However, their achievement, if seen in person, was too little to mention compared with those great ones. There accomplishments can only be considerable when they are figured as a sum of a group of people. What is more, their work only limits to the existed circle, but never create new tools or ideas which are more crucial in promoting the human race and are often found by those brilliant persons. So it is not unfair that the history always remembers the names of the brilliant.
(这段错误很严重,没有说到significant events和trends.只是写了sustain,偏了,事实上只要把sustain直接换成trends或者events,事例再换掉,也就可以了)
(又发现严重错误,groups of people不等于社会主题的民众.sigh)

(新的第二段)Admittedly, it is unfair to neglect the outstanding accomplishments made by the groups of people. In the Second World War, thousands of British soldiers sacrificed their lives to defeat the attack of the brutal Nazi. The huge project of Manhattan cannot succeed without the talents of myriad scientists assembled in Los Alamos National Laboratory. Although the history merely immortalizes the wise and powerful leadership of Churchill and the father of nuclear weapon Oppenheimer who took the charge of the project, it is the British Army that faced and fought with the enemies in the front-line, and the major part of the project of Manhattan was obviously done by other scientists but not a single Oppenheimer. To be just, limelight of the public always prefers to focus on those eminent idols. As a result, eventually the efforts made by the inferiors of the leader were forgotten by the society, and thus fails to gain their niches in the history. To some extent I show my mercy for those unnamed, for their indispensable achievements are often completely shadowed by the aura of their leader, which is apparently somewhat unjust for them.

In fact, the significant contributions can not be achieved only with the unprecedented ideas sparked by those individualities. The individual just find the entrance of a new and better comfortable world for the human race, but the steps into the new world must be taken by the whole human race, because that the power of certain persons are so limited, compared with the whole society. As mentioned above, the developments, such as steam machine and electricity power, cannot release their amazing power unless they are applied by the groups of people. In this case, the prominent individualities and other ordinary members of the society are both indispensable in making the significant events.
(框架可以接受,就是单薄了)

(补充成两者互补)However, despite of the contribution, the work of the groups of people is not without their problems. Oftentimes their work only limits to the existed certain circle, if they have not received the directions given by few brilliant people, never can they create new tools or ideas which are more crucial in promoting the human race. At the same time, just as mentioned above, the ideas and abilities of leader can only be fully fulfilled with the overall hardworking of his colleagues, partners or inferiors. In fact, the individuals and groups are not incompatible, but when they cooperate, momentous progress will take place at a much higher possibility. The individual just lead the group to the entrance of a new world, then the steps into the new world must be taken by the group, just as it did in the two times of industrial revolutions. Although Watt and Faraday created steam machine and electricity power, they cannot release their amazing power unless they are applied by the industries. Consequentially we can see a perfect cooperation is born, if those pictures above always come true in the history.

In summary, the history is still just, because it cuts the name of every single person who contributes more that he should to the human race. Although the common groups of persons are also important, just as mentioned above, they are inferior to those brilliant ones.

改写的结尾
In summary, if consider the human race as a giant, his left leg is the talented individuals while the right is the groups of people. It is impossible to imagine that the giant can advance towards prosperity with only one of his legs. In addition, just as discussed above, although the groups' contribution is affluent when seen as a whole, the credits made by a great individuality is much more significant than any single person of the groups, which may be the reason why history grants him the honor that his name is remembered forever.

重点问题就在第二段 groups of people的sustain不同于对于trends的贡献
还有,文章可能对于人是否被记住可能没有论述太多,不过可能也没有必要

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-2-25 15:20 编辑 ]

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板凳

发表于 2007-2-26 19:32:28 |只看该作者

修改

自己的修改
重点问题就在第二段 groups of people的sustain不同于对于trends的贡献
还有,文章可能对于人是否被记住可能没有论述太多,不过可能也没有必要

Fundamentally, I disagree with the author' assertion for he overlooks the significant contribution which only can be achieved by the brilliant individualities. There is no denying that the majority of the people in society play a vital role in sustaining the society, we shall never forget their outstanding work which greatly accelerates nearly every aspects of the developments of our society. (开头拼凑的)

(新的第一段)Fundamentally I disagree with the author's assertion. Since there is no such a balance upon which can the contributions of individualities(如果是要表示个人的意思，比较确定地说还是应该用individials,因为individuality没有这个意思) and groups of people be weighed, the topic may be too intricate for the author to announce superiority of groups of people to those brilliant individuals. To present my viewpoint, I will discuss the complexity of the issue in the following details.

Great milestones in fields as natural science, arts, are usually be erected by those gifted persons. For example, the first industry revolution was provoked by the appearance of steam machine, which was invented and improved by a single man named James Watt. The second industry revolution, during which the electricity power was widely utilized among the world, was a result of the ten years of hardworking of the great British scientist Faraday. When it comes to arts, Beethoven and his music style are adored by the later critics as the watershed of the classicism and romanticism. All these changes have been made by the individualities, due to their unusual talent, experience, persistence(这个特征抓得好) or so forth, and these do not happens occasionally. Compared with groups of common people, those prominent persons whose names have successfully been passed down from generations to generations(from generation to generation) are more responsible, intelligent, diligent, all of which are necessary factors that lead to primary accomplishments. The same work done by the ordinary groups of people day by day does make sense, but lacking inspiration, nothing new and significant will be created merely through the repeated or even boring work. Therefore, it is those extraordinary persons but not those great people that contribute more to the overall trends and developments of the society. (惊奇的发现这一段论证得还有点样子)
第二段不改,留给表得谁谁谁^_^~~

Actually we cannot neglect the meaning of the major part of the society, that is the groups of people, who also succeeded in fulfilling their responsibilities in sustain the existence and harmony of the society. Millions of peasants heavily plunder(??) their farms to feed the society, millions of cleaners sweep the streets of the metropolis, millions of workers build the houses, factories, schools hospitals for us. Undoubtedly their contributions are at least as heavy as those who have their names in histories do, or even more essential. However, their achievement, if seen in person, was too little to mention compared with those great ones. There accomplishments can only be considerable when they are figured as a sum of a group of people. What is more, their work only limits to the existed circle, but never create new tools or ideas which are more crucial in promoting the human race and are often found by those brilliant persons. So it is not unfair that the history always remembers the names of the brilliant(brilliant ones).
(这段错误很严重,没有说到significant events和trends.只是写了sustain,偏了,事实上只要把sustain直接换成trends或者events,事例再换掉,也就可以了)
(又发现严重错误,groups of people不等于社会主题的民众.sigh)

(新的第二段)Admittedly, it is unfair to neglect the outstanding accomplishments made by the groups of people. In the Second World War, thousands of British soldiers sacrificed their lives to defeat the attack of the brutal Nazi. The huge project of Manhattan cannot succeed without the talents of myriad scientists assembled in Los Alamos National Laboratory. Although the history merely immortalizes the wise and powerful leadership of Churchill and the father of nuclear weapon Oppenheimer who took the charge of the project, it is the British Army that faced and fought with the enemies in the front-line, and the major part of the project of Manhattan was obviously done by other scientists but not a single Oppenheimer. To be just, limelight of the public always prefers to focus on those eminent idols. As a result, eventually the efforts made by the inferiors of the leader were forgotten by the society, and thus fails to gain their niches in the history. To some extent I show my mercy for those unnamed, for their indispensable achievements are often completely shadowed by the aura of their leader, which is apparently somewhat unjust for them.改成这段就木有问题了...

In fact, the significant contributions can not be achieved only with the unprecedented ideas sparked by those individualities. The individual just find the entrance of a new and better comfortable world for the human race, but the steps into the new world must be taken by the whole human race, because that the power of certain persons are so limited, compared with the whole society. As mentioned above, the developments, such as steam machine and electricity power, cannot release their amazing power unless they are applied by the groups of people. In this case, the prominent individualities and other ordinary members of the society are both indispensable in making the significant events.
(框架可以接受,就是单薄了)

(补充成两者互补)However, despite of the contribution, the work of the groups of people is not without their problems. Oftentimes their work only limits to the existed certain circle, if they have not received the directions given by few brilliant people, never can they create new tools or ideas which are more crucial in promoting the human race. At the same time, just as mentioned above, the ideas and abilities of leader can only be fully fulfilled with the overall hardworking of his colleagues, partners or inferiors. (In fact, the individuals and groups are not incompatible, but when they cooperate, momentous progress will take place at a much higher possibility. The individual just lead the group to the entrance of a new world, then the steps into the new world must be taken by the group, just as it did in the two times of industrial revolutions. Although Watt and Faraday created steam machine and electricity power, they cannot release their amazing power unless they are applied by the industries. Consequentially we can see a perfect cooperation is born(两个谓语？), if those pictures above always come true in the history.)这一部分角度选的很好，赞~~

In summary, the history is still just, because it cuts the name of every single person who contributes more that he should to the human race. Although the common groups of persons are also important, just as mentioned above, they are inferior to those brilliant ones.

改写的结尾
In summary, if consider the human race as a giant, his left leg is the talented individuals while the right(right one) is the groups of people. It is impossible to imagine that the giant can advance towards prosperity with only one of his legs. In addition, just as discussed above, although the groups' contribution is affluent when seen as a whole, the credits made by a great individuality is much more significant than any single person of the groups, which may be the reason why history grants him the honor that his name is remembered forever.

重点问题就在第二段 groups of people的sustain不同于对于trends的贡献
还有,文章可能对于人是否被记住可能没有论述太多,不过可能也没有必要

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地板

发表于 2007-2-26 19:38:16 |只看该作者

Fundamentally I disagree with the author's assertion. Since there is no such a balance upon which can the contributions of individualities and groups of people be weighed, the topic may be too intricate for the author to announce (the， of前面的名字要加定冠词the, toefl语法里面常见错误^_^) superiority of groups of people to those brilliant individuals. To present my viewpoint, I will discuss the complexity of the issue in the following details.

Great milestones in fields as natural science, arts, are usually be erected by those gifted persons. For example, the first industry revolution was provoked by the appearance of steam machine, which was invented and improved by a single man named James Watt. The second industry revolution, during which the electricity(electric) power was widely utilized among（好像throughout要好一点吧） the world, was a result of the ten years of(ten years') hardworking of the great British scientist Faraday. When it comes to arts, Beethoven and his music style are adored by the later critics as the watershed of the classicism and romanticism. All these changes have been made by the individualities, due to their unusual talent, experience, persistence or so forth, and these do not happens(happen) occasionally.(我觉得这里应该用一个表示原因的词语把后面这一段和前面这一句not happen occasionally联系起来) Compared with groups of common people, those prominent persons whose names have successfully been passed down from generation to generation are more responsible, intelligent, diligent, all of which are necessary factors that lead to primary accomplishments.(for primary accomplishes就可以了.) Meanwhile, The same work done by the ordinary groups of people day by day does make sense, but(,) lacking inspiration, nothing new and significant will be created merely through the repeated or even borng work. Therefore, it is those extraordinary persons but not those great people that contribute more to the overall trends and developments of the society.
的确这一短写得很好

Admittedly(应该是转折吧,however。或者是，先承上用however, 再启下用admittedly？不过不知道可不可以这样用。但是我觉得还是转折这一层关系比较重要，毕竟文章是从上往下来的。虽然说看到admittedly会想到后面有转折，但是读到这里总觉得有点不舒服。个人意见哈), it is unfair to neglect the outstanding accomplishments made by the groups of people. In the Second World War, thousands of British soldiers sacrificed their lives to defeat the attack of the brutal Nazi. The huge project of Manhattan cannot succeed without the talents of myriad scientists assembled in Los Alamos National Laboratory. Although the history merely immortalizes the wise and powerful leadership of Churchill and the father of nuclear weapon Oppenheimer who took the charge of the project, it is the British Army that faced and fought with the enemies in the front-line, and the major part of the project of Manhattan was obviously done by other（准确的话应该是the whole) scientists but not a single Oppenheimer. To be just, limelight of the public always prefers to focus on those eminent idols. As a result, eventually the efforts made by the inferiors of the leader were forgotten by the society, and thus fails to gain their niches in the history. To some extent I show my mercy for those unnamed, for their indispensable achievements are often completely shadowed by the aura of their leader, which is apparently somewhat unjust for them.

In fact(moreiver,递进吧）, the significant contributions can not be achieved only with the unprecedented ideas sparked by those individualities. The individual just find the entrance of a new and better comfortable world for the human race, but the steps into the new world must be taken by the whole human race, because that(省略) the power of certain persons are so limited, compared with the whole society. As mentioned above, the developments, such as steam machine and electricity power, cannot release their amazing power unless they are applied by the groups of people. In this case, the prominent individualities and other ordinary members of the society are both indispensable in making the significant events.

上面两段可不可以和在一段写，然后写得精干一些

However（我觉得这里再用一个递进，然后ts开头就说明这一短的中心再明确些说两个应该合作，文章的结构会清晰一些), despite of the contribution, the work of the groups of people is not without their problems. Oftentimes their work only limits to the existed certain circle, if they have not received the directions given by few brilliant people, never can they create new tools or ideas which are more crucial in promoting the human race. At the same time, just as mentioned above, the ideas and abilities of leader can only be fully fulfilled with the overall hardworking of his colleagues, partners or inferiors. In fact, the individuals and groups are not incompatible, but when they cooperate, momentous progress will take place at a much higher possibility. The individual just lead the group to the entrance of a new world, then the steps into the new world must be taken by the group, just as it did in the two times of industrial revolutions. Although Watt and Faraday created steam machine and electricity power, they cannot release their amazing power unless they are applied by the industries. Consequentially we can see a perfect cooperation is born, if those pictures above always come true in the history.

In summary, if consider the human race as a giant, his left leg is the talented individuals while the right is the groups of people(womderful). It is impossible to imagine that the giant can advance towards prosperity with only one of his legs. In addition, just as discussed above, although the groups' contribution is affluent when seen as a whole, the credits made by a great individuality is much more significant than any single person of the groups, which may be the reason why history grants him the honor that his name is remembered forever.最后这一段的落脚点不应该是是否被记住，而是The study of history。题目开头是说得the study of history怎么了。如果说按照这样写，题目应该改成the progress of the society. 这一整篇文章都没有直接的说明这一点。应该讲讲少了那一点，对这个学习来说，有什么危害。不过是个人建议哈。

我觉得你的分析已经相当透彻了，思路很不错清晰，但是有一点就是要注意，字数并不是追求的尽头。当思路清晰了，分析透彻了，还要向怎么减少字数的情况下，让文章更好。毕竟上了考场除非遇到了做过的题目，写这么多的字数是不现实的。这篇文章我word了一下，800字大概有。。。我觉得你是冲刺六分作文的料子，如果能够用短小精干的语言精简的结构把issue分析完整，那肯定是6分作文了。
你写得真的很好。。。
我现在issue还是思路不清楚
sigh

[ 本帖最后由 welcomebs 于 2007-2-26 20:16 编辑 ]

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