进军美利坚作文10.16

skysunny2008UID：2632579

10.17 Topic: To truly understand worldevent, we should get our news from newspaper; television cannot provide enough information. 5 ]2 h$ q3 x; i. @' T- D6 H# [- ^
Since we are exposed to such a huge society filled with explosive information, what is a best way to understand world event actually? I will consider reading newspaper instead of watching TV as my first choice. Here come my reasons.. F+ e+ k0 C% S# \2 T( [

/ Z( [5 @; \' S+ O4 R! W# LFirst of all, newspaper contains a large number of informs with that (应该改成which)television cannot compare. Take our News Report program on television as an example. Every day we may receive the(the 应该去掉) general news of important events（加that） happened the (改成on) same day in different areas, accompanying with the presentative pictures and interpretation of journalists. However, we cannot judge the whole thing just from several words in these fleeting (这词用的特别好！)seconds. More background knowledge are needed, and that will be provided by newspapers in detail. So you can skim whatever parts as long as you feel it is useful to assist you （ to understand ）understanding the true event. 1 U4 \( s, D1 M9 q% p9 _
  w" Z7 J9 L7 ?- L) B4 e! x/ g$ Q
Some people may argue that television also have commentary programs concentrating on one concerning（concerned） issue at one time. It's true, but do you ever compare its contents with newspapers'(在哪方面比较呢，这样说会比较模糊，个人认为应该说清楚)?For example, when the topic of Nobel Prize in Physics is discussed comprehensivelyin a TV show on Monday morning, we may about to read the completed details of NobelPrize in Physics, Chemistry, and even in peace in newspapers. Why is that? Because TV shows have their strict time limits that hosts should take control to conveying informs. In contrary,（ on the contrary） newspapers are not required to accomplish a story in a limited time, even the words as long as the event is important enough(even words are not so long as it is supposed to be). Thus, newspapers prevail televisions in the access for us to get full appreciation of the event.( a% ]6 g9 Z* C! L/ Q' ?
, R' f3 H; u( ?. I* e1 {0 H
Lastly, newspaper is always divided to ( always consists of )a majority part (去掉part)of news and( merely) 1-2 pages of ads, contrarily, televisionis occupied by a huge number of entertainment programs, dizzy ads, and a few part of news reports which can not satisfied our basic informs request. We candraw a conclusion that we should get our news from newspaper to truly understand world event中间两段论点不够清晰，但是那个诺贝尔奖的例子很好。我觉得中间两端可以合成一段写电视时间有限，所以不能说细节信息，例如背景知识。。。举诺贝尔的例子，然后下一段写电视机有太多广高，使报道变短， 不详细～个人建议，仅供参考哦}

paddyhyUID：202095

Since we are exposed to such a huge society filled with explosive information, what is a best way to understand world event actually? I will consider reading newspaper instead of watching TV as my first choice. Here come my reasons.开头不错很简洁我喜欢

First of all, newspaper contains a large number of informs that television cannot match with that television cannot compare. Take our News Report program on television as an example. Every day we may receive the general news of important events happened the same day in different areas, accompanying with the presentative pictures and interpretation of journalists. However, we cannot judge the whole thing just from several words in these fleeting seconds. More background knowledge are needed, and that will be provided by newspapers in detail. So you can skim whatever parts as long as you feel it is useful to assist you understanding the true event. - w1 I, U: j. h8 E

Some people may argue that television also have commentary programs concentrating on one concerning issue at one time. It's true, but do you ever compare its contents with newspapers. For example, when the topic of Nobel Prize in Physics is discussed comprehensively in a TV show on Monday morning, we may about to read the completed details of Nobel Prize in Physics, Chemistry, and even in peace in newspapers. Why is that? Because TV shows have their strict time limits that hosts should take control to conveying informs. In contrary, newspapers are not required to accomplish astory in a limited time, even the words as long as the event这里就说events就可以了吧 is important enough. Thus, newspapers prevail televisions in the access for us to get full appreciation of the event.: Z2 P: M7 H  a+ y2 W

Lastly, newspaper is always divided to a majority part of news and 1-2 pages of ads, contrarily, televisionis occupied by a huge number of entertainment programs, dizzy ads, and a few part of news reports which can not satisfied our basic informs request. We candraw a conclusion that we should get our news from newspaper to truly understand world event.
作者思维很好。。就是组织上在好一点就可以啦。。向你学习。。

shirley072UID：2712200

10.17 Topic: To truly understand worldevent, we should get our news from newspaper; television cannot provide enoughinformation.
Since we are exposed to sucha huge society filled with explosive information, what is a best way tounderstand world event actually? I will consider reading newspaper instead of watching TV as my first choice. Here come my reasons.

First of all, newspaper contains a large number of informs with that television cannot compare. Takeour News Report program on television as an example. Every day we may receivethe general news of important events happened the same day in different areas, accompanyingwith the presentative pictures and interpretation of journalists. However, we cannot judge the whole thing just from several words in these fleeting seconds.More background knowledge are needed, and that will be provided by newspapersin detail. So you can skim whatever parts as long as you feel it is useful to assist you understanding the true event.

Some people may argue that television also have commentary programs concentrating on one concerning issueat one time. It's true, but do you ever compare its contents with newspapers'?For example, when the topic of Nobel Prize in Physics is discussed comprehensivelyin a TV show on Monday morning, we may about to read the completed details of NobelPrize in Physics, Chemistry, and even in peace in newspapers. Why is that?Because TV shows have their strict time limits that hosts should take control to conveying informs. In contrary, newspapers are not required to accomplish astory in a limited time, even the words as long as the event is important enough. Thus, newspapers prevail televisions in the access for us to get full appreciation of the event.

Lastly, newspaper is always divided to a majority part of news and 1-2 pages of ads, contrarily, televisionis occupied by a huge number of entertainment programs, dizzy ads, and a few part of news reports which can not satisfied our basic informs request. We candraw a conclusion that we should get our news from newspaper to truly understand world event.

hmnsunUID：2653457

According to the leaped progression made in science and technology, productivity is lifted to such a high extent, which releases considerable labour force or converts them from the traditional handcraft industry to high-tech concentrated fields. Since we could accomplish the task efficiently with advanced work environments or devices, not mention to the possible exceeding achievements beyond that expected, we deserve more leisure time for relax.  s1 l9 H+ y% A9 |/ K2 C& c
2 u, e; z7 C& A' v1 Q2 J9 G
However, with accelerated worldwide development, increasing competition between companies act as a major impulse factor, steering entrepreneurs to put up with various projects and measures containing more tasks, in order to help the companies stay in the proceeding rank. For most employees, more work contents are related to pressure. Here goes a saying, temperate pressure will give you a motivity. What if the pressure goes so far? Have you ever seen that someone cannot bear the pressure any more?Let's take a look at the electrical filed, some people in HuaWei company chose to suicide by jumping from the high building, that is because they have constantly exposed to an intense settings with anxieties, pressure and whatsoever upset emotions for a long time, which easily leaded to some terrible psychiatric problems. So people should get more leisure time, with which they could adjust themselves, deal with the emerging mental problems, enjoy wonderful times without pressure. In addition, get a release from time to time will keep your brain clearly, and be able to help you promote the work efficiency.（这句话说我们应该放轻松点儿，跟主题没有太大关系。我们要阐述的是“越来越忙还是越来越闲”，不需要讨论我们“应该如何”）
8 @/ B+ Y- ^& B5 ^* {
+ F& h  m- {# _# D% mLastly, I want to emphasis, some quarrels may break out between family members because of less leisure time spent together. You know that less time means less communication, which apt to result to decreasing concern about each other, eventually, marriages slip to danger and divorces may happen. More leisure time is indeed needed!

语言很好，虽然有些词汇我看不懂，但是能看出语言很好。但是我不得不说，这篇作文整体上不太好。从倒数第二段的最后部分开始，已经离题了。可以看下我在上边写的那句建议。

2# fish1044

fish1044UID：2190500

    According to the leaped progression made in science and technology, productivity is lifted to such a high extent, which releases considerable labour force or converts themfrom the traditional handcraft industry to high-tech concentrated fields. Sincewe could accomplish the task efficiently with advanced work environments ordevices, not to mention to the possible exceeding achievements beyond that expected, we deserve more leisure time for relax. （开场很精彩,但是有跑题嫌疑）
; b3 e: _  c- Y% K; @6 |

    However, with accelerated worldwide development, increasing competition between companies act as a major impulsefactor, steering entrepreneurs to put up with various projects and measurescontaining more tasks, in order to help the companies stay in the proceedingrank. For most employees, more work contents are related to pressure. Here goesa saying, temperate pressure will give you a motivity. What if the pressure goes so far（有点歧义，so far 有到目前为止的意思）? Have you ever seen that someone cannot bear the pressure any more?Let's take a look at the electrical filed, some people in HuaWei company choseto suicide by jumping from the high building, that is because they haveconstantly exposed to an intense settings with anxieties, pressure andwhatsoever upset emotions for a long time, which easily leaded to some terriblepsychiatric problems. So people should get more leisure time, with which theycould adjust themselves, deal with the emerging mental problems, enjoywonderful times without pressure. In addition, get a release from time to timewill keep your brain clearly, and be able to help you promote the workefficiency.' s) v; V8 u. F' c1 N/ P/ n. \


Lastly, I want to emphasis, somequarrels may break out between family members because of less leisure timespent together. You know that less time means less communication, which apt toresult to decreasing concern about each other, eventually, marriages slip todanger and divorces may happen. More leisure time is indeed needed!

    这篇文章本身是个好文章，但是不太适合作为托福作文。
    首先文章跑题了，题目问的是你觉得几年后人们是不是有跟多的空闲时间，而本文却阐述人们需要更多空闲时间。
    另外，文章结构也不适合托福考试。文章写法太过自由，层次不鲜明，文章体安排在一段，感觉不足与阐述清楚自己的观点。

    但是，从本来可以看出，楼主的英语写作功底应该是比较深的，多习惯一下托福作文应该能取得好成绩。