凼凼的个人作文本

凼凼55667UID??2904147

练习&学习…………ing~





你们的每一条意见，对我来说都很有启发。
使劲拍砖吧！你们的砖头是我坚持下去的动力。

langtianrinuanUID??2810236

谢谢你帮我批改呀。

zcnvszwjUID??2815734

09.04.03NA   Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase teachers' salaries.
I totally disagree that the best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase teachers' salaries.
Possibly, the benefit behind this proposal is to attract advanced graduates, who would compete with the old teachers in schoolyard, which result in the progress of education in whole country. But this proposal is just based on the breezing wind.
Money, the most important issue in that statement, is of little value in reality. With salary equality, the teacher, a job with rarely career development, is always less attractive than jobs with opportunity and challenge. How could it be if a brilliant graduate gives up the job in Wall Street and chooses to be a teacher in primary school? （这个反问站不住脚，现实中还真有为教育放弃金钱的，加个mostly更好一点）Would s/he loses her/his talent in the secure environment instead of making progress in education?
Some people may argue that anyway a well-paid job deserves competing in job market. However, it can not always bring positive competition in education. During the competition, relationship between old teachers and the new ones would change to sharp contraction. In a society of injustice, it is reasonable for old teachers, who have to defend their jobs and status in school, to make the rules stricter for the job applicators, which limit the resource of education in fact, and even to admit their familiar persons to get the job.
Even bad effects would appear if we want to improve education in this way. In the effort to be fair, salary of teachers of all kind, including kindergarten, primary school, music school, ect should be increased at the same time. And so does the teacher’s pension. In a developing country as China, to pay this extra money, more tax is required by the government, and finally the financial burden of the middle class increases. Consequently, many parents do not have much money to spend  on their children’s education.* G% v! |& ~0 t1 ^3 m! f- j4 B" {0
On the other hand, besides the proposal mentioned in the topic, we have other better solutions. For developing countries, renewing teaching facilities in some remote and destitute places and update the education ideal with developed countries, are both efficient and executable to upgrade the quality of education.: X& N/ F( w* H% D& f" |8 w' @& v
Overall, plenty of evidence  indicate that increase the teacher’s salary  is definitely not the best way, and not even the useful way, to improve the education in a country.
1、        如果这是在30分钟内完成的，我个人表示很敬佩；
2、        每段具体的例子太少，楼主多是在用理论进行论证，这其实会非常考验美国老师的智商；
3、        词语运用可以再丰富一些，比如找不到同义词时，可以用类似意思的短语，这样会加分的；
4、        7段式的最好还是不要，至多6段，也是因为得考虑到美国老师的理解能力，当然，第3段到第5段递进和并列的逻辑不够明确，加点连接词吧；
5、        绝对不推荐每段只有一句话，无论哪种情况；
6、        水平有限，言语直接，祝楼主成功。

第五希云捷UID??2457467

09.04.03NA   Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? The best way to improve the quality of education in a country is toincrease teachers' salaries.

I totally disagree [with] that the best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase teachers' salaries. 9 n4 ^2 \, T0 B4 C/ r8 e1 i2 F# P

Possibly, the benefit behind this proposal is to attract advanced graduates, who would compete with the old teachers [这个old用的应该不太好，只与老教师竞争不与在校年轻教师竞争？是不是要改成一个类似于Present的词呢？]in schoolyard, which result in the progress of education in whole country. But this proposal is just based on the breezing wind.(这一段的让步不是特别好，感觉前一句说有好处，后一句说这个好处又没有根据。是不是应该说这样会带来一定的好处，但是其也会带来一定的恶果或是有更好的办法替代？)

Money, the most important issue in that statement, is of little value in reality. With salary equality, the teacher, a job with rarely career development, is always less attractive than jobs with opportunity and challenge[the teacher 和jobs不能作为less than的比较对象吧？]. How could it be if a brilliant graduate gives up the job in Wall Street and chooses to be a teacher in primary school? Would s/he loses her/his talent in the secure environment instead of making progress in education?（说实话我觉得这段跑题了，没有谈到improve quality这个关键点）6 x, D2 {7 w$ ], Z

Some people may argue that anyway a well-paid job deserves competing in job market. However, it cannot always bring positive competition in education. During the competition, relationship between old teachers and the new ones would change to sharp contraction. In a society of injustice, it is reasonable for old teachers, who have to defend their jobs and status in school, to make the rules stricter for the job applicators, which limit the resource of education in fact, and even to admit their familiar persons to get the job.(此段建议加上一个总结，比如Thus decrease the quality of education之类的，否则这段没有归到题目的意思，有点类似跑题了。)

Even bad effects would appear if we want to improve education in this way. In the effort to be fair, salary of teachers of all kind, including kindergarden, primary school, music school, ect. should be increased at the same time. And so does the teacher’s pension. In a developing country as China, to pay this extra money, more tax is required by the government, and finally the financial burden of the middle class increases. Consequently, many parents do not have much money to spend  on their children’s education.(同样我觉得应该可上个对教育质量不好，同时呢提个问题，是不是家长花的钱少了教育质量就一定降呢？这是否一定是个因果关系呢？逻辑上是否通呢？)

On the other hand, besides the proposal mentioned in the topic, we have other better solutions. For developing countries, renewing teaching facilities in some remote and destitute places and update the education ideal with developed countries, are both efficient and executable to upgrade the quality of education.（这一段没有论证开，我个人的意思是如果没有认证开的话还不如不写）6 f. {3 r2 N" u" R: |% {


Overall, plenty of evidence  indicate that increase the teacher’s salary  is definitely not the best way, and not even the useful way, to improve the education in a country.

我觉得：
这个题最关键的在于论证是不是The best way
我觉得依文章的意思可以按以下思路写：
1）
让步，承认这么做会给教育带来一定的正作用；
2）
提高薪水带来的恶劣后果1,直接降低了教育水平
3）
提高薪水带来的恶劣后果2,直接降低了教育水平
仅供参考……

凼凼55667UID??2904147

15# lizhengjiang
谢谢你的回批。也祝愿你取得好成绩~~
你回批的时候也发现了，我的论据有时候比较费解。嗯~有时候是因为句子造得不够清晰，有时候是因为论证发展得太快让人跟不上。

我现在遇到一个问题:
      一方面想在文章中写出更多的论据，一方面又想让每一个论据都说到位，用逻辑把它们统一起来。
      怎么把握这个度？求解~

lizhengjiangUID??2619543

非常抱歉，一周了才回改。
恩，你的作文很优秀，修改不当请谅解。
并祝：考试顺利~~
8# 凼凼55667

凼凼55667UID??2904147

12# langtianrinuan

嗯，说的有道理，我在表达这方面下的功夫不够~
其实提纲是这样的：
反对理由：
1,sports 必须有明确的竞争对手，对手带来输赢的压力，life大多数时候没必要去战胜别人。商业，双赢。
2，比赛追求胜利和欢愉，而只追求欢愉的人是脆弱的。生活的目的是为了得到Inner peace。孤独，挫败，然后忍耐，这是生命的常态。
3，sports让人用全力达到目的。但是生活中人若集于一件事，必然导致其他事情的失衡。除非有人帮你全面打理。生活不仅需要我们在前台像运动员一样奋斗，有时候需要我们具有教练的眼光，具有助理的运筹协助，具有比赛东道主的主动争取精神，（这些是运动比赛中看不见的）。

最后一个论点的比喻没写清楚，我改天再修改一下。

凼凼55667UID??2904147

09.04.03NA   Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? The best way to improve the quality of education in a country is toincrease teachers' salaries.


I totally disagree that the best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase teachers' salaries.

Possibly, the benefit behind this proposal is to attract advanced graduates, who would compete with the old teachers in schoolyard, which result in the progress of education in whole country. But this proposal is just based on the breezing wind.

Money, the most important issue in that statement, is of little value in reality. With salary equality, the teacher, a job with rarely career development, is always less attractive than jobs with opportunity and challenge. How could it be if a brilliant graduate gives up the job in Wall Street and chooses to be a teacher in primary school? Would s/he loses her/his talent in the secure environment intead of making progress in education?

Some people may ague that anyway a well-paid job deserves competing in job market. However, it can not always bring positive competition in education. During the competition, relationship between old teachers and the new ones would change to sharp contraction. In a society of injustice, it is reasonable for old teachers, who have to defend their jobs and status in school, to make the rules stricter for the job applicators, which limit the resource of education in fact, and even to admit their familiar persons to get the job.

Even bad effects would appear if we want to improve education in this way. In the effort to be fair, salary of teachers of all kind, including kindergarden, primary school,music school, ect. should be increased at the same time. And so does the teacher’s pension. In a developing country as China, to pay this extra money, more tax is required by the government, and finally the financial burden of the middle class increases . Consequently, many parents do not have much money to spend  on their children’s education.

On the other hand, besides the proposal mentioned in the topic, we have other better solutions. For developing countries, renewing teaching facilities in some remote and destitute places and update the education ideal with developed countries, are both efficient and executable to upgrade the quality of education.

Overall, plenty of evidence  indicate that increase the teacher’s salary  is definitely not the best way, and not even the useful way, to improve the education in a country.

langtianrinuanUID??2810236

不好意思，回复得有点晚了。
说得不对的地方多多包涵。

caorenboUID??2548468

精彩作文，无从下手修改。只能报以欣赏。

凼凼55667UID??2904147

9# zhouchlcy

谢咯~

zhouchlcyUID??2847817

LZ的作文很优秀，佩服~
添加附件在高级回复里

凼凼55667UID??2904147

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Sportsteach people lessons about life


    Sports, though equipped with some social rules, welcomed by people of all ages and social classes, still are a kind of shallow and stimulating entertainment. It’s absolutely a mistake to say that sports can teach lessons about life. Life is the most complicating book in the world. Some lines of the book are useful in sports, but we can’t restore the whole book from these lines.
    Firstly and most transparently, the way to win in sports is not always suitable in life. In sports, all the athletes have to do is fighting against the competitors, while in life, sharp contradiction with others for private affairs, always result in isolation. To explain, sales department is one of the places where sports’ spirit loses its value. The relationship between the consumers and the salesmen is cooperation, which tends to find a win-win outcome, not an overwhelming superiority to either side as sports competition.
    Secondly, should we treat the excitement and wonderfulness as the only goal in life, just as the athletes display in sports, we would become vulnerable. Life is not a beautiful game. Beneath the veil of laughter and tears, life always makes us lonely, frustrated and sustainable. In most situations, we are searching for inner peace. Inner peace is the key to keep undefeated, which is more powerful than excitement.
   Lastly, admittedly, the athletes’ very focus on a game, no matter win or lose, inspires us in our daily work. However, if we pay too much attention to just one little thing, actually we are getting every thing to lose. In real life, we are not only the athletes showed on the screen, we are also the assistants, the coaches, the sports sponsors, the media, all of which are important but invisible in the sports game.But for a short-term task, you can still imagine that you are leading a sports competition against nobody but the deadline, and use the very focus to fight. But the reward of the task won’t make up what you dropt away.
   To conclude, sports are a kind of competitive activities for entertainment. The change of win and lose make sports look like our life and it seems that we can learn about life from sports. However, life is not that simple. If we take life just as a sports game, we are destined to be losers.

凼凼55667UID??2904147

4# wttyuse
第一段确实写得啰嗦了点，对文章还缺乏整体感觉。谢谢了~
对了，附件是怎么添加的，教教我~:)

卡姆菜菜子UID??2852079

怎么上传附件啊。。。晕

Nowadays, what worries a lot of people, especially thehighly educated(highly-educated) ones, is hunting for a right job. To choose asuitable job, both salary and career future should be taken into account. Butthis(these) two sides can not always be easily balanced. Whether to focus on ajob with low paying but high secure, or a job with high salary and full ofchange(full of change 和不secure关系有点晦涩吧。), is what we are going totalk about.
' \/ c, z' C0 O! I$ \3 `$ i9 k5 L: A: @2 j$ Z
Since many of us agree on the ideal of “Many a little makes a miracle”, alow-paid but stable job is generally accepted in public opinion. Thisconservative consciousness may supported by a single working mother who havethree children, an old couple guaranteed by their only son or daughter—common phenomenonin China, or a graduate who needs job experience to start his career. Furthermore,the advantages of the job’s qualities assure not only security, but alsopromoting space, which makes up the deficiency of salary at the very beginning.In other words, there exist two choices in front of the workers, to finishordinary tasks and live a cozy life, or to do some extra work and get amaterial improvement. But（不需要转折吧） there is no short cut to upgrade the quality oflife, and once interrupted by some external forces, recession for example, theendeavor turns out to be in vain.
$ G* f% x2 o/ F6 x% e, J: j, E
! V3 F1 s! A8 @0 l  ]; ]Onthe other hands, people who take jobs with high reward and risks would not feelvery sad when they are fired. For a soccer couch, a singer, or an actress,sometimes blessed by god, picking another job may even lead to a higher stateof career. Also, the reason of trying this job is that the money paid by thejob is very effective for an emergency, thus further disaster can be prevented.However, with doubt, the great majority may not choose job of this kind. Firstof all, opportunity of these jobs is less than the jobs with high security, andboth lucky and exertion is required for competence. Secondly, to compete forthe work and to survive, one should be highly-skilled and keep advanced all thetime. Great pressure sometimes breaks the balance of one’s life, which justcan’t be bought back by money.* M6 [; y. I2 S7 u

, J9 ~2 Q% q+ l7 ?. |5 W) W+ bInmy opinion, although mechanical and kind of dull, the first job is the betterchoice for common people, because we cannot always live in a world full ofchange and upheaval. For one person, happiness always comes from peace, so itdoes for society.(结尾总结很好~)
感觉楼主的文章很有逻辑。字数也很多。。。但是举例子的时候有点罗列了。不知道这样好不好啊~