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Who give the society something of lasting value? The author claims that it is artist not the critic that makes it. In my view, while I am firmly confirmed that artist created the art work(art work=lasting value? 逻辑点不连续, 添加修饰成分, which is the foudation of any value), however, the author begs the question by overlooking the important function of the critic.(看了下楼主整体的文章, 因为已经挺成熟的了, 所以不要局限于这种反问题目重复题目然后给予评价的庸俗开头, 建议写点新意出来, 比如背景, 众议, 短句点题等等.)
To begin with, it is true that it is the artists who created so much artist work and give their emotion to the art work. Undeniable all of the art work are created by the artist with their emotion not by the critic. (这句跟第一句内容差不多, 可以不要. 同首段的问题, emotion=value? 逻辑不连续) It is Van Gogh who painted the "sun flower" that show people the sense hope. It is Beethoven who composed those symphonies. It is Shakespeare who created the vivid characters of Julia and Romeo. Without these artists, it is impossible for us to possess so many treasures. Moreover, the artists often use their emotion to create the work and thus these work can show us a lot of things. When we listen to the Beethoven's symphony, most which were composed when he was blind, we will be provided confidence and graveness. When reading the Julia and Romeo, we will know how beautiful can love be. When we enjoy the "sun flower", we see not only a yellow flower, but also wish and hope. Hence, without artists and their emotion, we cannot enjoy so many masterpieces now.(注意题目中强调的是"lasting value", 所以不管你怎么论断最后都应该把点连接到这个关键词上. 现在全段都在说"情感""给人的感动, 感觉"这种很主观的东西, 它们如何成为社会价值? 又如何流传? 缺了这个, 第一与主题的联系不明确, 第二立意, 出发点也低了一个台阶, 因此在段落最后加上论证性的文字, 指出这些作品与价值的关系是十分必要的. )
However, we can not overlook the importance of critic, because it is critic that find the potential significance of many work. Most work are created to serve the public. However, most of the citizens are not familiar with art work, therefore, it is difficult for them to learn about the significance of these work. (这两句的逻辑关系比较密切, 而且表达的意思处于同一个点, 最好用although串起来, 前一句跟主题句关系不强, 而起作用的是后一句, 所以弄成一个整体去解释主题句就比较合适了) At the same time, most critics have studied the art for a long time and thus they may have a wide knowledge about these work and uncover the value of these work. Admittedly, not one is saint. So are those critics. Hence, at some time, it is inevitable that these critics may have a negative judgment about those work. (刚解释完主题还没给论证就转折是不恰当的. 这里提到的反面观点是为了显得你视野更全面, 而不是削弱主题的强度, 所以应该在完成对主题的正面论证后再补充反面观点) But the real wonderful work will also be found by those critics after a short time. To shed light on this assertion, one needs look no further than the work of Van Gogh, who is the most famous postimpressionism artists. In his whole life, Van Gogh only sold two of his paintings. Why did he did not success when he was alive. The answer is easy. (多余, 而且easy是说question的, answer应该是obvious) Since at that time, many critics prefer the impressionism work than the new style of work (凡高同学的作品叫post-impressionism或者expressionism, 最好能具体化些). However, after several years, it was still those critics who found the lasting value of postimpressionism and thus most of the painting by Van Gogh were sold in a high price. Therefore, we can see the importance of critics. (例子分析有些笼统而且太简短了, 加上之前的论证不多转折的话还一堆, 使得说服力有所减弱, 建议把例子中对凡高同学不得志那里的叙述浓缩一下, 把重点放到后来批评家如何发现他作品的价值上) (给人的感觉还是论证深度不够, 立意不高, 批评家怎么发挥自己的专业知识, 怎么区别于大众, 怎么识别凡高这些对论证观点比较关键的内容都涉及很浅甚至没提, 这样的效果不是很好)
Moreover, adding further credibility to my position is the fact that critics are necessary for public to select valuable work and teach them how to enjoy them.(这种跟前一个论点有重复嫌疑的出发点最好加上些解释, 比如besides evluating works by themselves这种, 也便于你自己掌握论证方向.) Nowadays, there are too many work published in the modern society. Every year, numerous art work such as movies, books and the like are produced by the editors. (这两句也可以连起来) Then how can the public choose the ones that have significance from so many work? Therefore, (问句之后因果关系很不合适, 要么把问句改成否定陈述, 要么给个回答再用therefore) at this time, we need critics. These critics have much more time to appreciate these work and evaluate this work.(why? because they take it as profession. 逻辑联系) Thus from these opinions we knew what kinds of movies are valuable and thus we choose these work to watch. Moreover, the opinions of the critic can better help us to learn about the content of these work. (这里的问题就出来了, 因为第二段没说批评家怎么发现价值, 所以这里提到批评家帮助大众理解艺术作品的内容在很大程度上就跟上一段论断重复了, 因此将每个论点都从同一逻辑深度进行论证, 并在写主题句的时候给自己提醒是很必要的, 防止论点重复和叠合) Through listening to the opinions, we knew that the movie Titanic is not only a disaster film but also show the greatness of love. Through listening to these opinions, we no longer think Hamlet is a pathetic character, the more we will evaluate this character from different aspects. Hence, the critics can help us better understand the features of these work.(还是说理不够, 例证有余. 听哪些opinion? 如何通过它们去理解? details are needed, 不然这些论证也没有支持)
All in all, from what has been discussed above, we can easily draw our conclusion that artists play an important role in creating the art work. Meanwhile critics showed us the potential significant value of these work and help us better select the work. In final analysis, it is the combination of artists and critic that gives the society something of lasting value.
总评: 楼主的文章很流畅, 论证立意逻辑组织都相当成熟, 但是还是缺乏很强的说服力, 因为在举例的时候就把论断搀杂在其中, 一个例子出来的同时一个假设也就跟着出来了, 这样缺乏支持的说理方式是很薄弱的, 所以建议精简例证, 加强论证, 这样能让文章的深度和力度增强. 加油, 我看好楼主~ |
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