清华的作文帖

huangqinghuaUID：3380949

Title: at universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support



From my perspective, at universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support. It is  generally believed that body and heart health is the basis of everything.
    First of all, physical exercise is extremely important to students who always put all their energy on study. If you can't guarantee your health of strong, I am pretty sure that you couldn't do anything well, in particular, the study. For example, before the final examination of last semester, I got a serious fever unfortunately which had tortured me throughout two weeks during the final exam. Because I wanted to spend more time reviewing the exam content, I refused to get the injection and just ate the medicine which turns out that it didn't function well enough. Hence, when I got the news that I am the fourth in my class rather than the first, I almost cried out and I definitely know that when I did the theoretical mechanics my head has been massed up so I got only 85 while others got 100. Therefore, before studying you should confirm strong of your body.
     Moreover, some activities are also essential parts which will contribute a lot to your life. No one can deny the fact that communication is playing an increasing important role in society which means that activities will enhance your ability to chat with people. And nowadays, more and more universities and colleges have realized that the variety of colorful activities is of great significance to students so they also regard the rate of activities involvement as a exponent of grades and such a policy will improve the enrollment of activity.
      In a word, exercise and essential activities are of same importance as studying for students which means that sports and social activities should also receive equal financial support as libraries and classes.

秋雨荆州UID：2903781

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mpromanusUID：2565872

At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

From my perspective, at universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support. It is generally believed that body and heart health is the basis of everything.(This second sentence doesn't appear to be related – not very obviously, at the least – to the first sentence. What exactly is the relationship between your opinion in the first sentence and the fact in the second? Is the second sentence the reason from which you have the opinion in the first? Are you simply stating a fact or are you trying to express something else? How does this paragraph relate to the rest of the essay? This is exactly the kind of place to use connective devices like 'because', 'as', 'since', or whatever you choose to show how your ideas flow from one to another.)

First of all, physical exercise is extremely important to students who always put all their energy on studies. If you can't guarantee your health of strong (I have the gut feeling that you were trying to saying something like 'good health'.), I am pretty sure that you couldn't do anything well, in particular, the studies. For example, before the final examination of last semester, I got a serious fever unfortunately which had tortured me throughout the two weeks of the final exam. Because I wanted to spend more time reviewing the exam content, I refused to get an injection and just took the medicine (Although 吃药 is a very legitimate phrase in Chinese, you hardly ever say 'eat the medicine' in English.), which turned out that it didn't (You already have a subject – 'the medicine' - indicated by 'which', and, 'turn out' usually goes with a 'to do' phrase. So it's both repetitive and cumbersome to embed another 'that' clause with the same subject 'it' into the relative clause. This is like you say 'I have a book which is interesting', or 'I have a book which turns out to be interesting', but not 'I have a book which turns out that it is interesting'. With all that said, what you wanted to say can be simply 'which turns out to not function well enough'.) function well enough. Hence, when I got the news that I am the fourth in my class rather than the first, I almost cried out and I definitely know that when I did the theoretical mechanics my head has been messed up so I got only 85 while others got 100. Therefore, before studying you should confirm strong of your body.(1. I'm not sure what this phrase means. Do you mean 'make sure your body is strong'?; 2. If you compare this last sentence to the topic in question you'll realize you're at least three steps away from actually showing why your point is indeed relevant to the question – sports make sure students have strong bodies + a strong body => good grade in studies -> sports ensure good grades as classes do -> sports as important as classes. This is essentially a comparison question, so it's not enough that your thread of logic goes from the topic to your sub-point – it's MORE important, if not the MOST important, that you show how your sub-point relates back to the OTHER thing in the topic, and to the topic itself.)

Moreover, some activities are also essential parts which will contribute a lot to your life. No one can deny the fact that communication is playing an increasingly important role in society which means that activities will enhance your ability to chat with people.(I can argue that not all activities involve talking – piano-playing, for example, can be a rather solitary activity. The question specified 'social' activities for exactly this reason, so make sure you don't lose the 'social' bit.) And nowadays, more and more universities and colleges have realized that the variety of colorful activities is of great significance to students so they also regard the rate of activities involvement as a exponent (I think you mean 'component'..) of grades and such a policy will improve the enrollment of activity.(This has exactly the same issue as the previous paragraph: if you compare the last sentence of this paragraph to the question, you'll realise although you've just discussed a very good point, you've not shown how it relates to the question.)

In a word, exercise and essential activities are of same importance as studying for students which means that sports and social activities should also receive equal financial support as libraries and classes.(This is exactly the kind of point you have to put forward in EVERY paragraph. Specifically, you have to show how your sub-point about the importance of health or activity participation becomes the first part of this sentence, that sports and social activities are of the SAME importance as studying.)

总结：

语法用词上问题不大，但是论述第一没有比较 – 题目是问两个东西的重要程度是否相同，你只说其中一个好，怎么知道他们是否相同呢；第二是看不出你的分论点和主要论点到底是什么关系 – 每一个分论段就是后一句顺着前一句往下写，于是段尾最后一句话都和题目不搭边，这一点请注意下。就算你不能在每段都很有力地点题，也至少要稍微把你的逻辑往题目上圆一圆，而不是只有第一段和最后一段才去想到题目到底是什么。

huangqinghuaUID：3380949

mpromanus 发表于 2012-10-19 18:10
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libr ...

谢谢老师!其实自己在写这篇文章的时候的确觉得自己的论点和题目联系的不紧密，但是对这个题目有点无所适从，想不出很好的论点