【独立写作】deljiayou作业贴

deljiayouUID: 2634434

作业贴

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

加油啦！

deljiayouUID: 2634434

秋雨荆州 发表于 2012-11-14 16:13
加油啦！

谢谢版主 帮我看看作文吧 每次都是22 稳定了3回了 不知道问题出在哪里

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

deljiayou 发表于 2012-11-14 21:50
谢谢版主 帮我看看作文吧 每次都是22 稳定了3回了 不知道问题出在哪里

可能来不及帮你啦，你啥时候考？我最近在忙期末，天天熬夜了要，你可以请ro老师帮你看看呀~她的水平远在俺之上呀

小錾錾UID: 3396653

改好喽

deljiayouUID: 2634434

小錾錾 发表于 2012-11-15 11:44
改好喽

非常感谢修改 我第一次给人改文章 格式好像不太正确 望谅解

小錾錾UID: 3396653

deljiayou 发表于 2012-11-15 14:34
非常感谢修改 我第一次给人改文章 格式好像不太正确 望谅解

我也是第一次改- -
能看懂就行了

wuxiang0220UID: 3354608

已改

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Agree or disagree? College or University should offer more preparation before students start working.

I agree with the statement: college or university should offer more preparation before students start working.

Colleges and universities secured our future years ago (I'm not quite understanding this sentence. By 'years ago' do you mean something like 'in the past', or something like 'before we graduate'? These are completely different concepts.); those who go to university after their high school are probably thought to be members of the top group (Again, the phrase 'the top group' is rather vague because there can be a 'top group' in every different aspect of human life. If you are specifically referring to the top social-economical group with the highest social status, etc., the word would be 'the elite'.). But everything have changed as economic conditions continued to go down: colleges and universities are criticized for their high tuition, overloaded numbers of enrollment, and losing their capacity to help their graduates land a full-time jobs.(Please be consistent with singular/plural usage. If you want to use the singular form, it should be 'the' college/'the' university, used as a generic singular form. And even then, because of the 'and', you still need to use plural forms afterwards in the rest of this sentence.) As far as I am concerned, work preparation matters far more than anything else (If that's the case, you shouldn't have students going to colleges/universities at all, to start with. Just send them all off to factories and workshops on interships. This shows you it is very important to qualify your statements, e.g. 'work preparation matters far more than anything else in university education'..). And ignoring such an important part (of what?) will take a toll on some aspects: enrollment rate and social mobility (Again, of whom/what? You may expect your reader to get the default interpretation, that is, 'enrollment rate' of the universities but the 'social mobility' of the graduates – but these are aspects of different groups. 'and'-ing these together without proper qualification makes your essay more difficult to read because the reader has to guess at what you mean and to remember their guesses. If later they realize what they thought is not what you meant, they are going to get frustrated. Not good.).

First, the job market diminished for a long time with bunches of work positions disappearing. Furthermore, holding a foot on the job ladder(I think you probably meant something more like 'keeping a foothold on the corporate ladder..'. Good try at being figurative, though.) becomes even harder when the number of graduates continued to expand. Given to that situation, management of human resources arise their bottom line ('arise' is an intransitive verb, vi., not a transitive verb, vt. which means you can't have an object after 'arise'. In other words, you can only say 'something arises', but not 'something arises something'. Same goes for 'rise'. The vt. equivalent of 'arise/rise' is 'raise'.) in search of top employees. Graduates who show proficient skills in different ways tend to end up in catching a job opportunity ('end up' usually has a rather negative connotation, as in 'I could have gotten so much better but I ended up with this shit instead'. Now that's very informal, spoken language so please don't write like that in your essay.). For example, musical industries are always looking for musicians, who can play multiple instruments like the piano, the guitar without preparation (If you want to show off your vocabulary, the musical term for performing without preparation is 'impromptu'.). That is where our colleges and universities come in. In the music department of a college, professors are supposed to teach students skills like playing the piano and the guitar as well as how to hook the audience through a fluid rhythm. Otherwise, graduates might fall short to the real world. (There are many problems with this example and this argument: 1. a music department does not only teach the piano, the guitar, and the rhythm. Why would you want to limit yourself to these two instruments I don't know, but if you are discussing music in general then it's better to keep your vocabulary general too, e.g. 'instruments'; 2. I don't see how teaching 'fluid rhythm' can help students develop skills in playing 'without preparation'. 'rhythm' is not the only important and obvious factor in impromptu playing. I don't know whether you stopped at 'rhythm' because you don't know anything else about music or you're short of vocabulary or time, or everything, but my point is that if you're actually not very familiar with a specialist topic like music, then don't try to discuss it. You won't be able to talk about such a specialized topic well if you don't actually know a fair amount about it yourself – that's why preparation classes generally encourage the use of personal examples, because these are familiar and also not too specialized; 3. This example, so far as you've argued it, only pertains to the music industries and departments of music. I can then say 'well but if you're not a music student then the university doesn't necessarily need to anything because you didn't say this same argument applies to all the other departments in a university too'. You need to generalize back from the example to the actual point they want to argue for, which is, unfortunately, not just about music students but about university education in general.)

Besides, as a reporter says: any education institute is designed to help student find their sweet spot where their interests overlap with ability and the market. As you read, attending to the real market is necessary.(Again I don't really understand this. University education is not just about 'reading' – not to even say you didn't specify what is being read. If you think your reader is going to be able to infer that 'read' means 'university education' figuratively as in 'read textbooks', no, he's not going to be able to do it.) Instructional organizations have to make a sound response to the what around us (..do you mean 'the things around us'?) : rapid urbanization, surging storms in technology, high demand for better? living standards, because tons of professions which might not be present on the list of the school curriculum, have been created. (I love refuting this..so here goes: this assumes what you do after graduation has to have a title similar or relevant to your school's curriculum, but that's NOT the case at all, especially for arts graduates like people in literature, languages, or philosophy. Students can get jobs that are not explicitly targeted for by their curriculum, and the mere fact that loads of professions are not on a school's curriculum is not proof that the school's curriculum is not adequate in training students to be proficient in the skills that these jobs require.) Plus, professors have to switch their teaching plans from traditional classes to modern crafts as how to improve our energy efficiency, or how to convert refuses to consumer goods by recycling. As we all know, a virgin land always welcomes new settlers. Advanced expertise and knowledge from schooling years do secure graduates a brand new start. (True, but I don't see how this is relevant to your previous point about new jobs on the market that are not on the curriculum, or indeed, the overall point that universities should offer more help to prepare students for work..you're basically beating around the good old bush of the benefits and possible actions that are involved in the actual act of offering more help on career preparation..which are not relevant to the question if you don't fold them in by saying something like 'because this gives them a good start, the school should of course offer more help on this'.)

What’s more, some high school students go to university because they want to change their social status, especially those from low income families. After draining up savings of their working-class parents, no one wishes to lose the game. Keep in mind that some of them who lack means (This is a very generic term like 'ways'. You need to say 'means' of something, or else I won't know what 'means' this means..) often take an onerous debt which will last through their life time. Falling in the labor competition will suddenly make going to university a gamble, a ridiculous behavior. What makes me more upset is hidden effects that tread on the wheels of losing jobs (You probably are trying to use another metaphor here but sorry I don't get it at all.), ”I consumed all my parents’ money and did not return anything, I did not find a full-time job within three months, I think I could do nothing but stealing” a 25 year criminal said. So whether to prepare for our students’ futures matters a lot.(Well, that's very sad, yes, but if your argument has been that economy's bad and jobs are getting fewer and more and more young people enter the workforce every year, then the painful truth is, no one is guaranteed a job no matter how hard the university tries to help him. Your arguments so far are mostly random collocations of facts. They are not well thought out, nor systematically planned, nor effectively developed. I know it's a lot to ask for in 20 minutes, but if you don't get into the habit of proper argumentative thinking, your writing will suffer in the future even if you make it past the TOEFL.)

(There's no conclusion. And what about enrollment rate and social mobility which you mentioned in the second paragraph? Are you just going to leave them as that? That's only going to make your essay more disorganized..)

总结：

好吧这应该是我见过的写得最乱的文之一。。各种点都提到了但每个点都是loose end。。你的语言能力其实还好，除了单复数之外没有很致命的问题，但是全篇除了第一句之外就基本没有组织没有太大的条理（包括分论点段），没有紧密团结在以中心论点为核心的党中央议论轴心周围，分论点吧没说清楚到底和中心论点是神马关系，例子吧也没说清楚到底和分论点是神马关系，第二段算introduction的话太长了而且提到的东西也没有看到后续的论述，要说不是introduction的话又看不出算不算一个分论点。。建议你不要想太多，老老实实看范文是怎么写的，不要觉得人家好像写得很简单很不全面很不深刻的样子。考官看的不是全面，而是论述的清晰合理。你提到的点就要把它好好议论完整，否则还不如不提。。不要幻想多写几点大的议论神马的可以显得自己思考多全面啥的，那是舍本逐末。。

关于要不要把律动 – 话说什么叫两者之间的律动我没太懂，就姑且认为你的意思是两者之间的关联吧。。- 写清楚还是只要抓住一点就可以：见上。一切内容要为你的中心论点服务。挑几点议论就可以了。逻辑清晰只是要求你从论点到论据再到论点的过程清晰，这个分论点怎么和总的论点relevant，这个论据怎么和这个分论点relevant，这两样清楚就够了。你就算要讨论大学和就业的关系，也是放在这个框架下，就你的分论点的范围说一两句的事情，而不是要把所有的背景都搞清晰。。否则，四五百字讲大学教育和就业这么大的题目，我不觉得你的语言能力可以做到把两者的关系全理清还能再讲完两到三个论点。。= =

deljiayouUID: 2634434

mpromanus 发表于 2012-11-18 05:04
Agree or disagree? College or University should offer more preparation before students start working ...

非常感谢 总结问题 下周再请老师批改

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Patience is usually not a good strategy. People should take action now rather than later.

Living in a world of rapid urbanization and surging technology revolutions, taking action immediately seems like a wise behavior. However, as far as I am concerned, being patient matters more, in terms of romantic relationships, shopping, and writing an essay. I would like to explore those to back my points.

First, building a close relationship requires patience. Being more patient is a good strategy when you want to date with a girl who always distracts you (I don't get why you have to specify that the girl 'always distracts you'..what does it mean for a girl to 'always distract you', anyway?). For example, figuring out her hobbies, and personalities like whether she is an introvert or extrovert, or when is the time is that she came across (To 'come across' something means to run into/discover something in a rather incidental manner, e.g. 'I came across this really good book at the library the other day but I can't find it again afterwards'. It does NOT mean to 'cross' the street! Plus, this is habitual behavior, so you don't use the past tense but the present.) the street and waits for the bus, then creating some seemingly unplanned interaction and initiating a topic she might have interested in. If you ask for her phone number at the first time you meet the girl, it does not work, because she might feel uncomfortable to talk with a stranger, let alone to leak some private message (A phone number is not really a 'message'. 'information' will do.). If you insist on doing this, you might be defined as an impolite person and barely gain access to knock into her heart (I know what you mean but this is really not the way to say it in English because 'knock into' means to literally crash into people, like, you walk into someone's path and bump him back. It's not the kind of polite imagery you'd associate with the equivalent Chinese expression which comes from knocking on doors! This is the kind of 不地道的 language that you would often hear about – yes, you do get your idea across, but in a manner of expression that native speakers simply find awkward. My point is that if you want to use such figurative language in a formal argumentative essay, please learn how certain things are said in English properly. Otherwise, use something less fancy, such as 'you would barely be able to win her heart'.) as no girl wants to maintain a relationship with a rude guy. (Such 'planned' encounters and personalities may get a relationship started but they are also often the cause of eventual relationship downfalls because they can, to a certain degree, mask true personalities – this blabbering has nothing to do with your essay. It is a good point and actually well argued.)

Second, patience is also a useful strategy when we want to buy some stuff, like a digital camera, a smart phone, or an ipad. Being patient can save you tons of bucks since we all know the price of a fresh (You mean 'newly released'?) product is a tad too high, but it isn't after several months when the first batches finish their debut. (Your language is now getting slightly too informal to my taste. 'stuff' is already rather informal, and 'a tad' makes the whole thing just a tad too colloquial.) Consumers do not have to own the newest stuff at an expense of bunches of cashes, but to wait until the same thing to? deserve its price (I can roughly get that you probably meant to say 'wait for the price to drop until the point that he feels the item deserves the price', or simply, 'to wait until he feels it's really value-for-money'. Now again, you have a tendency to use rather figurative, creative language – it's a very good thing if you can pull it off, but you sometimes end up confusing your reader more than impressing him..).

Again, patience plays a critical role in writing logically. Before you start, you need 3 or 4 minutes to draft an outline in scheming of your essay (An 'outline' is more or less the same thing as a 'scheme', at least in essays, so I'm not really sure what exactly you mean to express here by mentioning both.) -----the points you want to convey, the examples you show to back your points. The outline can guarantee what you will write to step into a reasonable path. On the other hand, if you simply write as soon as you read the topic, without thinking rationally and clearly, you are far less likely to direct where your essay will go, and your article could be all about collections of what you want to pile in.(Very good point and well argued.)

In sum, patience is always a good strategy, and has a positive effect on many aspects in our daily lives, such as slowly and steadily starting a relationship, waiting for a rational market, or writing a well-constructed essay. (I would love to see a more explicit attempt to directly address the original question such as 'thus I conclude that people should not always take actions now rather than later', but what you have here will suffice.)

总结：

论述有很大提高哦~尤其是对于有耐心和没耐心的结果的比较写得非常好~语法上请注意词性哈~还有你比较喜欢用文学一点的语言，这本身没有太大问题，但是请注意这种情况下表达要尽量地道否则效果可能会适得其反哦~

mpromanusUID: 2565872

College or university should offer more preparation before students start work.

Most high school students go to college after graduation in the hope of landing a full-time job. It seems that colleges and universities are supposed to offer some preparation before students start work. But as far as I am concerned, offering preparation might not be a wise strategy. I will use some examples to back my statement.

First, job preparation, mostly in the form of internships, cannot provide useful skills graduates need. That's because in most companyies, interns are treated as cheap labor force, and they are pushed to do lots of menial works-------buying colleagues’ lunches, answering endless telephone calls, photocopying or just doing some errands for bosses. On the other hand, graduates were shut (You don't 'shut' someone from a problem. You 'exclude' him.) from core problems that might be exposed in the real word (I'm not sure what you meant to express here..maybe something like '..problems that they might be exposed to when they actually get jobs'.)-----what to do when the sales goes down, what is the best way to reach agreement during negotiation process. So, if that is the case, job preparation is just a way of wasting time.

Then, even though some internships offers some clues about what to do in the real world, assisted programs like those are still far away from their initial purpose--------addressing the problem of hunting for jobs. That's because the lack of students' skill (This actually means 'there are not enough students' skills', which does not mean these skills must actually belong to students! What you meant to say is 'the lack of skills in students'.) did not play a critical role in the low employment rate, but an overall economic environment did. The job market is shrinking on a whole: factories are closing down, and some industries are disappearing. As a result, no matter how many job hunting skills students have, and/or whatever colleges and universities can provide, the chance of getting a dream job is continually low and the trend is hard to reverse.

Moreover, even if job preparation has its value, and does students a great service, (You should actually use a comma here because 'even if..' makes a dependent clause, which is meant to be combined with another clause.) there is another issue we might neglect------- a significant portion of graduates just don't need that help. For example, some of them might want to continue their academic careers by purchasing (? You mean 'pursuing', don't you..) a PHD program domestically, or by heading to a foreign university. In other cases, a small part of young adults were born with a silver spoon into their mouths; they even don't have to work outside because they can inherit bunches of bucks. If that is the case, job preparation matters less. This program is just wasting recourses, what otherwise could be directed to other desperate areas-----building new lab halls, constructing a modern library.

As I mentioned above, people might overestimate the value of job preparation at university level. Because of some internal and external causes (I don't really see why you are mentioning 'internal and external' here, since you never really specifically talk about 'internal and external' in the body of your essay.), internships does not work well as we thought it would be.(You did talk quite a bit about internships, but the third point really goes back to talking about general job preparation, so in your conclusion if you just mention interships then the third point is kind of ignored.)

总结：

你是不是把之前的一个题目重写了。。总体论述很好很清晰。请特别注意单复数这类比较基本的语法问题。

deljiayouUID: 2634434

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-15 08:29
College or university should offer more preparation before students start work.

Most high school  ...

是的 之前那篇我写的太乱 后来已经重写了一次  自己看看还是太乱 就想想能不能反过来写

我觉得考场上给我30 分钟 又要想明白怎么写 又要完成字数 还是蛮困难的 不知道咋么办

mpromanusUID: 2565872

deljiayou 发表于 2012-12-15 03:33
是的 之前那篇我写的太乱 后来已经重写了一次  自己看看还是太乱 就想想能不能反过来写

我觉得考场上 ...

其实从你最近写的文来看觉得议论的水平很稳定啊。。平时尽量掐时间练，写多了手熟了就不害怕了~加油~

carina瑄UID: 3404911

帮你改好啦！你看看~
这是我第一次改作文，改的不好请见谅！
一起加油哦！