一一的作文本

anitaxjaUID：2758421

In this modern era, telephone and television are act(acting) as important roles in human’s daily life. People use telephone to communicate with each other. And(while) they watch TV to extract useful information or only for entertainment. It is too difficult for us to choose which one is more effective for human’s life, since different people have different point of view. If we only have one selection, I am convincing that the telephone is more effective for us.

Indeed, when television was invented, we human drove crazy on this little, square, magical box. Up to now, television does have a profound impact to our daily life. We broaden our kens from TV news, enrich our knowledge from TV educational programs, and sharpen our mind from every kind of TV analysis programs.(并列例句很有说服力！) Furthermore, when we want to relax, the first choice which arises in our mind is also television. Can we conclude that the television is more effective that telephone? I don’t think so.（先提出反面理由，使得逻辑更严谨，值得学习）

First of all, the thing which could efficiently affect human’s mind is communication, especially the communication which between human. Television is a machine which only acts as a transfer, while telephone could perfect perform in the role of communicator. When we are watching TV, we can only extract the information, but we cannot express our mind to(with) it. It is easy to make us tired that only extracting information or knowledge. While when we use telephone to communicate with our family, friend, or colleague, we could not only extract the information, but could also speak our thoughts out. This kind of communication can make us be more patient to think. Therefore, it is more effective to mankind obviously.(建议把结尾的总结句提前到首句，使得思路更清晰。避免中文写作中先分后总的结构)

At(In，我记得是In啊..如果lz确定at也ok那忽略我吧嘿嘿) the second place, as a tool which（可省） used in communication, telephone is irreplaceable one（删） in our world, especially when we entered in Information Age. When we retrospect history which telephone did not burn, we can only communicate with friend or family who is far away from us via letters. It takes(took) a long time and was inefficient. Even though, it has(had) a high risk that the letters might be lost. Thanks for the telephone, we can talk with everyone no matter where it is or who it is now. These characteristic being central and is more important to the businessmen. In business world, people should be more efficient because of (删,because of 后为名词结构)time is money. It may well is that the businessman lose a business deal only for the information delay. （这句是不是缺了什么词？读不明白..）

Last but not least, with the rapid advancement of science and technology, the telephone which concludes the functions of television was invented. We can use telephone to watch TV now, but television, still only act as a television. I don’t know whether the television can finish telephone’s job in future. But now, it is obvious that the telephone is more effective than television.

总的来说论证不错，语法错误应当引起重视。此外，建议把主题句放在每一段的开始，像最后一段那样，我觉得这样思路会比较清楚。

不好意思啊LZ，因为我这个礼拜六就考了，所以拖到今天才来修改，恳请谅解。加油。