【独立写作】 同题作文写作之【版主点评】

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辛苦辛苦。。来晚了赞赞赞！！！

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It's important for the governments to provide money to things that are beautiful and not just for things that are practical.

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The pace of change has increased(pace has increased 这个搭配不是很妥当，而且change这个词觉得有些宽泛 可以考虑改成 the society has developed at a rapid rate) beyond our wildest expectation nowadays. Those changes provide people with more（删）freer condition and allow them to propose their own opinions.(个人觉得这里和前面衔接不是很好，前面只是单纯的说了change happened，之后就说了这个change 让people 能够更好的 propose opinions。但是一直没有说到底是谁什么样的change发生了，让人们能更好的表达自己的观点。是科技进步了，可以通过网络等快捷方式发表言论，还是社会体制的改变，让人们有权利表达自己的观点。这一点没有说清。) Various ideas about what the government should to do are hold by different people. However, this phenomenon give rise to a heated discussion over the issue: whether should government offer money to beautiful things or practical ones. As far as my concerned, I thoroughly maintain that government should provide most of its money to do practical things

开头是做引入观点，介绍背景，以及表明作者立场作用。但是觉得这篇的引入让人有点摸不着头脑，一些change，人们propose ideas ，然后就讨论到了government上，觉得有些牵强。个人觉得这篇的引入可以写成比如说government的funding很紧张，于是就rise heated debate究竟资助哪些好。或者可以写现在一个国家的综合实力很大程度取决于经济 科技等发展（即 practical ones）但是有人说其他方面也很重要比如文化 环境等（即beautiful ones）我说的第二个背景当然与你自己对practical 和beautiful 的定义不同而有所不同，但是模式都是一样的。这样的引入会不会更通顺点呢？

First, it is universally acknowledged that the duty of a government is satisfy people's basic demands such as houses and food. In fact, a huge amount of people who live in the （删）remote region in China are suffered from lacking of food（觉得这里如果用food shortage等会更好）. We cannot ignore their pains and use money to do some eye-catching but useless things .Instead of that, we could use those financial support to change their difficult life（这里的change用的不是很精确 改成improve ameliorate enhace 等）. This action will be considered as a helpful measure which （改成that）a qualified government takes. It also help the government get a good reputation in the public.

这段的观点是一些practical method 不仅能帮助需要帮助的人，还能帮助government提高形象。例子用的是贫困地区的温饱问题。我觉得这个例子还能更展开描述一下，描述一下有多少人因为饥饿而死亡，各种疾病无法医治，是怎样desperate in need of money 来解决这个问题 有了钱之后又怎样提高生活质量，挽救可多少人。我觉得在写例子的时候多一些details 多一些数字，能让你的例子更加饱满有说服力。

Moreover, most of people in rural region even who live in the cities need some practical things such as safety followed by basic demands. Maslow, an American scholar, point out that all human are motivated to fill a hierarchical pyramid of needs. The needs of safety are above（删） the basic needs. In his opinion, only after people meet the needs of food and safety do they seek for higher-level needs such as beauty. In this condition, more resources should be fill people's low-level demands. Since government in our city cannot totally ensure our safety, more budget should focus on this aspect.

这段的论点还是在强调practical ones 能够满足人们basic needs 其实本质和第二段的意思一样，而且这段的论述利用马斯洛的例子，论证的时候，除了说明马斯洛的需求阶级理论，还应该强调一下我们现在的社会状况是怎样的，为什么要追求basic need，而不是更高层次。那是因为现在社会甚至连一些边缘地区人的温饱问题-即最底层需求 physical 需求-都没有满足到，何来追求更高层次-即beauty。所以这一段应该和第二段合起来说。

Admittedly, beautiful things have its own merits like making people always in a good mood. The advantages of paying more energy and resources in practical things far outweigh beautiful things when people's basic demands take into consideration.

这段让步就比较牵强了，让步是说beautiful things能让people有好心情，是什么beautiful things 让人们变得心情好，怎样变得，这些问题都没有阐述清楚，只是单纯的摆出这个观点，之后一下表明practical ones 更加重要。为什么更加重要？都没有论述清楚，很难让人信服你的观点。

To sum up, all reliable facts point to one saying: that is doing more practical things considered to be the most important factor of a good government.

我们先分析一下题目，题目主干就是到底是beautiful ones 还是 practical ones 。其实什么样的东西是归于beautiful 里面的，什么是归于practical 里面的，题目并没有明确的界定，那么就需要作者给予一个比较明确的界定或者说是定义。这个部分就应该体现在首段，或者在各段分论点中说明。这篇文章就是缺少这样的明确界定。
其次是在论证展开方面，注意在举例论证的时候，要注意一些细节的表达，并且要注意要将论据和论点通过论证来联系在一起，而非单纯的抛例子，例子说完就完事了。
语言方面，单句有些多，可以尝试的用一些从句等，长短句结合。

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual


With the development of economy and industry, the environmental issue has attracted more and more attention, when it comes to whether the environmental issue is so complex that it is beyond the realm of individual effort, I agree it.
开头不错，简洁

In the first place, large-scale environment-destroy activities have become an organized crime, even cross-nation crime. According to the cases that occurred recently, the rampant spread of organized crime has become the main threat of environment, such as organized poach（个人感觉这个词不是很常用哎，特别偏的词不一定就很出彩。出彩的一定是用词准确，生动。）. Those criminals have built complete interest chain and complex organization. For example, some big poach organization hunted elephants in Africa, and then sold ivories to Europe and USA. Those organizations are so powerful that it is impossible for individuals to beat them. Actually, government and international organization such as united nation must play necessary role in the fight against those crime organizations.
这段的段首是说environment issue 涉及了crime。但是这篇作文的题目是environment issue 是不是可以被individual 解决。这个段首的段首句，觉得让人摸不着头脑。在我看来，每段的段首句，都是该段的中心，并且应该是和题目密切联系的。所以个人认为这短的段首句应该说，一些涉及环境的问题 太复杂 一个人根本解决不了。然后在后面的例子中说crime

In the second place, environmental issue is tightly related  to the development of economy and the life model of every citizen, so the mere effort of individual is far form enough to overcome those challenges. In modern society, most pollution stems from economy activities of human beings. Greenhouse effect, for instance, stems from the carbon dioxide which factories and motor vehicles emit. Actually, the usage of fossil energy has become the most crucial origin of air pollution. In order to reduce the emission of green-house gas, it is necessary to exploit new energy, such as nuclear energy, wind energy, solar energy and so on. The expense of exploiting clean energy is too large for individuals to afford, rather than, government must budget it. According to modern economic theory, good environment is a kind of basic public good which government should supply. Government should inspire the development of clean energy industry via taxation, legislation，policy and so on.  

In sum, due to the rampant spread of organized crime in environment realm and the tight correlation between environmental issue and the develop model of economy, it is no doubt that the environmental issue is beyond the realm of individual effort.

语言，结构，思路都很赞。除了一点点小的建议。可以算一篇优文~！！