4月批改活动

sokillerUID：3446082

Issue1、As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


TS:
No one can deny that technology of any fields considerably influence 主谓一致 people’s life and characterizes 词性问题  of society as it develops. Although many recognize the contribution brought by technology, some point out that too much relied 语法 on using of technology to solve problem may reduce people’s ability of thinking out independently. In fact, whether dependance to 拼写technology has positive or negative effect to people is mainly depended on the user of technology. For the group of such professional people as scientist, engineer, the influence is justifiable, since using technology could prompt working progress and hence result in expected, even better, accomplishment. On the other hand, the students studying in school may acquire improper reliance on usage of technology in their study life.

整段扣题不够紧 题目讲的是ability to think 你这段提到ability to think很少  

ts (pt1)
In research field, as scientists are coping with study, production of technology is able to take some repetitious and time-consuming works. So that, the scientists can have more time and energy to concentrate on fundamental part of their works, making the whole process efficient. 举例说大型计算机在帮助天体物理学家解决宇宙中时间和空间之间的相互关系时，发挥了相当大的作用，科学家通过自己的思考和想象在原有物理定理的基础上制作出相关的方程式，然后通过计算机对方程进行仿真运算，从而验证理论的正确性，如果单纯的靠人脑去计算庞大的方程式的结果以及随后的验证，恐怕目前的天体物理学的进步将会非常有限；


这个例子挺好 但是主题句似乎并没有充分的回应题目
见不到ability to think或者相关的字眼  
你需要强调技术对科学家建模的要求以及对其思考和分析的挑战这样才能紧扣题目


ts (pt2)
Moreover, for engineer especially working in engineering, the dependance in using technology is an attribute of working, as a project is operating. Technology involves in working by providing instruments, equipments, method and more related to whole project. Basically, it is the essential path that guilds engineer to reach their goal—the achievement of project. 这里可以举例，当年我做变电所监控系统的时候，利用计算机来对全局参数进行实时动态监控，利用特殊的数据采集模块完成数据转换以及传输的工作。

同样的 整段都没有提到ability to think 结合自己的专业举例子其实是很好的  但是 不切题还是会死的很惨  


ts (pt3)
Many people argue that technology assist students more in their study rather than impair the ability of thinking independently, so the concern about negative influence of using technology should be unadvisable. From my perspective, however, the assistance offered by technology just shortens time of working out and reduces difficulty of works, obviously disobeying the intention of assignment maker that according to finishing work with less assistance from outside, the individual ability of solving problem and willingness of working as team will be enhanced. 举例说现在很多的学生都习惯于依赖互联网去寻找他们作业的答案，这样做尽管减少了学生的学习的负担，但是，由于过分的依赖互联网，学生的独立思考能力的不到提高，很多人的因此在考试中表现不佳。过分的依赖网络还导致很多学生花费大量的时间在互联网上，而忽视了与他人交流沟通的机会。

问题同上 需要回应题目讨论的问题 这是一个很基本的要求  

其实你已经在尝试按照不同的职业、背景来建立一个讨论的框架 我觉得这是很好的  但是你的观点必须充分的回应题目才行

建议你暂时不要写新的文章 把这两篇修改一下 另外 argument可以在这里练习一下 https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1818431-1-1.html



麻烦老师再看一篇issue1

谢谢！

ee_stoneUID：3573213

ee_stone 发表于 2015-4-2 21:41
王老师好, 我考完二战，轮到老婆考一战了，0510上外考场。她文科硕士已经毕业8年了。。。语言上一定比我好很 ...

非常感谢 王老师 的指导，很有启发。这是 修改 过 的 提纲 ，不知道 是否 合格。另外 还练习 了issue 18的提纲，附在后面 ，谢谢 指导。

Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.
主旨句 ：I believe that scandals may be useful when they can force the government to reform the system and punish the misconduct of the related parties. Nevertheless, scandals may not be very useful and can become destructive when they brought public attention to the trivial issues or caused too much stress on the celebrities implicated.


主题 句 1：Scandals can be useful when they disclose the wrongdoing to the public and arouse the intensive public attention to propel the government's reform in related regulation for better protection of the people.列举　台湾顶新　集团　问题油丑闻　，促动　台湾政府　修改　食品　安全　法例, 从而 保障了 民众 的 利益。


主题 句2：However, when scandals are about misconducts in personal private affair such as sexual scandals, it could often be a waste of public resource and even sway public attention from the critical issue.
列举　克林顿 性 丑闻　，引发 各大 媒体 持续几个月 的 讨论 ，严重 影响 了 公众 对民主党 的客观 认识,甚至 影响了 他们 在总统选举 中的抉择 。


主题 句 3：

Moreover, scandals can even be destructive when the overwhelming public attention caused unbearable stress on the celebrities involved, who might break down or even kill himself.
列举 日本 小保芳清子的论文 造假 丑闻 ，过多 的 追踪报道 和 社会 舆论压力 导致 她的 导师，著名 干细胞科学家的 自杀。造成 了 科学界 无可换回 的 损失 。


我觉得这个提纲不错 每个分论点都回应了题目中attention这个关键词  
可能要在行文中提及一下这种吸引attention的方式确实是其他人无法达到的 这样就更紧扣题目了  
进而指出这样的attention却未必有用  



Conclusively, scandals can only be useful when the public attention they aroused can propel the reform to avoid any future misconduct. Otherwise, they could only be useless as paparazzi, a waste of public resource.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××



以下是 issue 18的 提纲，请王老师 指教 。谢谢
18.The well-being of a society is enhanced when many of its people question authority.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

****************************

It is generally true that the well-being of a society will be improved if many people question authority in a peaceful way, especially when it comes to political and legal authority. But if questioning authority by mass rioting or military resistance, the well-being will  be severly damaged.

这个分类讨论看起来挺好 只是后面的military resistance感觉有点匪夷所思
其实question authority 似乎主要是在语言层面上的  而未必是行动上的  所以rioting和military似乎谈不上


Questioning the authority by many people can form ooverwhelming public pressure forcing the government to re-evaluate the  standards or regulation previously setup. And that questioning will be more effective by communication or negotiation participated by many people to represent the public voice reaching the government for policy revision.

列举美国 环保机构 举行 听证会，收集民意 ，建议 政府 制定 更为 严格 的 空气 质量 标准，从而 更好 保护 民众 的 健康。

这里质疑权威的例子不是很明显  
到底质疑了什么权威？  怎么质疑？  



Moreover, when the law is unfair,  impeding the rights of some group of people to seek personal happiness, questioning the legal authority through  nonviolent resistence such as civil disobediance could also enhance the social well-being.
列举 美国 的 civil right movement ,通过 和 政府 对话，公车 抵制，民众游行等 非暴力手段 ，最终 迫使 政府 修改宪法和 联邦法律 ，从法律 上消除 种族 歧视 ，确保了 少数 族裔的民权 ，拥有 公平 追求个人 幸福 的 权利 。

这个例子挺好 可以和law相关的issue共用例子
还是要更清晰的讨论如何question authority  


However, questioning authority must avoid using violent means such as mass rioting or even military war, which can often bring the  irreversible damage to the innocent civiliance. Even though that violent means can sometimes achieve the target, the well-being of the society could be severly impaired, at the loss of life security or housing property.
列举 埃及 总统 选举 遭到 的 大规模 群众 抗议，最后 暴力 冲突升级，虽然 推翻 了现有 政府，但人民 处于 水深火热 中 ，根本 谈不上幸福 安康 。

questioning authority must avoid  
这个表达有问题  
这个句子的语气不对 不能说应该或者必须如何 而应该客观的说 当如何如何的时候 就会怎么样 对well being的影响如何 这涉及到主观价值判断与客观描述之间的区别 需要注意  


总的来说我觉得你还是应该考虑分领域来讨论 即在不同的领域权威被挑战会有什么后果



In conclusion, question authority by many people could force the authority  to reform for better public interest, since there is no perfect authority and questioning can make up for that. However,  the way of questioning will decide whether it will finally enhance the well-being of the society or vise versa.

susie35UID：3550587

susie35 发表于 2015-4-6 20:14
老师，您好，这是我第一次参加回复，我4月11号 就要考试了，这篇ISSUE是我上周自己模考PP2的时候写的，完全 ...

先谢谢老师的点评了，我从昨晚开始看您的6分博客觉得受益很大，这几天会争取看完。有一个问题，就是如果按照您说的从三方面反对命题会不会导致问题一边倒而不满足批判性思维的要求？因为我之前一直理解是issue最好从正反方面来谈才完整（这个也是我从别的写作书上看来的，所以才有这样的写作思路）。

tesolchinaUID：2191404

susie35 发表于 2015-4-7 15:59
先谢谢老师的点评了，我从昨晚开始看您的6分博客觉得受益很大，这几天会争取看完。有一个问题，就是如果按 ...

5.5那本书讲正反正是很误导人的  这次拿到4分以上的同学都认识到了这一点
我并不是反对从正反来写 但是你必须清楚的指出在什么情况下支持 什么情况下反对 当然也可以在几个不同的情况下都支持或者反对  我不赞成的写法就是先笼统的赞成然后笼统的反对 这样就会出现前后矛盾的情况

比如 妄誩

后来看到六分博客上面关于新G 3+1写作模式的介绍以及instruction的分析，才意识到自己之前的准备都废了。tesolchina的辅导对我影响最大的应该就是在“提出复杂整合的观点”上。因为之前“正反合”正好契合了中式思维，于是习惯性地对每个话题都想了个“骑墙”的思路，于是第一篇写得关于“领导人应该听取民意还是自己判断”的issue被批得体无完肤。

如果让我回到一个月前，我一定把5.5扔了，专心跟着王老师和一群G友练习！

Sally 4分经验

最重要的就是熟悉了gre写作的思路，还有注意到了inconsistence stance这个问题，因为很多作文指导都会告诉说要写一正一反，几次修改后意识到这个思路的不可行。

sokillerUID：3446082

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-7 16:16
5.5那本书讲正反正是很误导人的  这次拿到4分以上的同学都认识到了这一点
我并不是反对从正反来写 但是 ...

非常感谢您对issue1题纲的指正，我也今天后来又想了想 觉得内容上的确缺少ability to think的侧重部分 晚些时候我会进行全面修改 麻烦您给看上次issue2的提纲 我又改了一个版本在前面的楼层 谢谢

锤先森G330UID：3603995

老师好，看了您的建议和博客里的相关内容后今天练习了一篇issue 82, 望您过目。issue4发现自己对题意理解还是有问题。。。遂继续改之
82  Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.


My response:

With the globalization of education, there are increasing number of people suggest that colleges and universities should require their students to study aboard for at least one year, because they hold the view that students who study aboard will become more competitive in today’s world. While it is true that requiring students to spend time on studying aboard could have many benefits, I believe that studying aboard sometimes will also bring some problems for a student. After elaborating these two points, I would address the argument that schools should encourage students to study aboard just depend on their personal situation.

To begin with, studying aboard has many benefits. On the one hand, it will enable students to know different culture in the world, which can’t be experienced in their own countries. On the other hand, it will broaden student’s eyes and enrich their knowledge, which is beneficial for their academic skills. To illustrate, Chinese college student who studies the European art will have a precious chance to fully experience it, if he or she could spend time on studying a European country. Because in China, European art major students can’t have as many chances as students in Europe to see the real masterpieces of some European artists, which makes their study more abstract. Consequently, requiring students study aboard will bring facilities to their learning and have positive effects on their personal development.

Further, requiring students study aboard will also bring many problems to both students and colleges. First and foremost, not all students could afford the fee when they choose to study aboard. For instance, not to mention studying aboard, in China, many students even couldn’t afford their fees of studying in domestic universities even if government has already put much effort to solve their financial problems. Moreover, different countries have varieties of culture, religious beliefs and life styles, which may make students difficult to adapt to their lives. And students can’t pay attention to their studies if they can’t adapt in foreign country’s life. What’s more, if the country that student choose to study in is suffering war or natural disaster, it will be difficult for colleges to ensure their country. In such situations the disadvantages outweigh the benefits for both students and schools. For students, they can’t learn much knowledge because their personal safety can’t be ensured; for schools, sending students study outside without letting them study enough knowledge may do harm to the school’s reputations. Hence, students shouldn’t be required to study aboard from this perspective.   

Finally, it seems to me that universities should encourage students to study aboard when they could solve their financial problems and have enough social experience. Plus, in order to let college students get better education, universities or colleges could hire famous scholars, experts from other countries as their teacher to teach students, which enable more students to have good classes at the same time. On the one hand, requiring students to have such classes not only save their money to study aboard, but also help them become well prepared for the future study life aboard. On the other hand, colleges and universities will benefit for having such famous professors in school, which will greatly enhance the school’s reputation. Obviously, it’s an win-win strategy.

To sum up, while requiring students to study aboard may be beneficial for students, people shouldn’t ignore the problems it has. Thus, colleges and universities shouldn’t require all students study aboard but encourage them to study in a foreign country when the time is right.

tesolchinaUID：2191404

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-4-7 20:19
老师好，看了您的建议和博客里的相关内容后今天练习了一篇issue 82, 望您过目。issue4发现自己对题意理解还 ...

你试下按这几个问题自评一下

主旨句是否充分回应题目？
主旨句是否包含一个复杂的观点？
主题句是否回应题目和主旨句？
例子是否支持主题句？
有没有解释例子如何支持主题句

锤先森G330UID：3603995

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-7 20:24
你试下按这几个问题自评一下

主旨句是否充分回应题目？

老师好。。。以下是我的理解，理解不当的地方请见谅
With the globalization of education, there are increasing number of people suggest that colleges and universities should require their students to study aboard for at least one year, because they hold the view that students who study aboard will become more competitive in today’s world. （While it is true that requiring students to spend time on studying aboard could have many benefits, I believe that studying aboard sometimes will also bring some problems for a student. After elaborating these two points, I would address the argument that schools should encourage students to study aboard just depend on their personal situation.）


加括号的这一句是我想写的主旨句，模仿老师的1+3模型，题目说college should require their students at least one semester studying in a foreign country, 所以我在主旨句里面提到了应该要求和不应该求的两个方面，后来说到了学校应该以情况而定，这应该算一个复杂的观点了吧我觉得...我当时在写的时候还在想需不需要注意one year这个地方...后来觉得这里还是不好处理，就省掉了...这样做知道不太好，但一时想不出别的方法...

你这个主旨句别人看了还是不知道你想说什么 你可以考虑具体说明有什么好处和问题
而且你这样写还是会存在前后矛盾的问题  建议你看看我的分情况讨论的思路   博客51楼
这道题我之前和其他同学讨论过的 2楼有目录可以查到  




To begin with, （studying aboard has many benefits.）
[这是第一段的主题句，意在回应主旨句中第一个部分,对应主题的话就是要求学生出国学习好，我想问下这里是不是直接点透应该会更好一些？就是说要求学生出国会怎么怎么样... 就是改成requiring students study aboard at least one year has many benefits.....]

On the one hand, it will enable students to know different culture in the world, which can’t be experienced in their own countries. On the other hand, it will broaden student’s eyes and enrich their knowledge, which is beneficial for their academic skills. To illustrate, Chinese college student who studies the European art will have a precious chance to fully experience it, if he or she could spend time on studying a European country. Because in China, European art major students can’t have as many chances as students in Europe to see the real masterpieces of some European artists, which makes their study more abstract.
[上面这句是解释例子如何有利的，因为中国没有太多机会领略到杰作，所以出去好]
(Consequently, requiring students study aboard will bring facilities to their learning and have positive effects on their personal development.)[以上这是我对例子的评价，说要求学生出去学习对发展和学习都有好处，好处也是支撑了Tp中的观点了吧，]

Further, requiring students study aboard will also bring many problems to both students and colleges. [第二个Tp，回应了主旨句的第二点，感觉还是应该直接说不应该require才对。。。]
First and foremost, not all students could afford the fee when they choose to study aboard. For instance, not to mention studying aboard, in China, many students even couldn’t afford their fees of studying in domestic universities even if government has already put much effort to solve their financial problems. Moreover, different countries have varieties of culture, religious beliefs and life styles, which may make students difficult to adapt to their lives. And students can’t pay attention to their studies if they can’t adapt in foreign country’s life. What’s more, if the country that student choose to study in is suffering war or natural disaster, it will be difficult for colleges to ensure their country. In such situations the disadvantages outweigh the benefits for both students and schools.[上面都是不好的例子，都在说送出去学不好的地方] For students, they can’t learn much knowledge because their personal safety can’t be ensured; for schools, sending students study outside without letting them study enough knowledge may do harm to the school’s reputations. Hence, students shouldn’t be required to study aboard from this perspective.   [解释了一下为什么送出去会给学生和学校带来负面影响，因为他们不能让学生学到东西，而且不能保证学生安全，对于学校来说会对学校名誉造成损害]

Finally, it seems to me that universities should encourage students to study aboard when they could solve their financial problems and have enough social experience.[这是第三个tp,讲不应该要求，应该等情况合适了再鼓励出去] Plus, in order to let college students get better education, universities or colleges could hire famous scholars, experts from other countries as their teacher to teach students, which enable more students to have good classes at the same time. [在这里举了一个相反的例子来折中，说学校的一种替代方案]On the one hand, requiring students to have such classes not only save their money to study aboard, but also help them become well prepared for the future study life aboard. On the other hand, colleges and universities will benefit for having such famous professors in school, which will greatly enhance the school’s reputation.[通过引述例子来说明折中方案是可以的] Obviously, it’s an win-win strategy.

To sum up, while requiring students to study aboard may be beneficial for students, people shouldn’t ignore the problems it has. Thus, colleges and universities shouldn’t require all students study aboard but encourage them to study in a foreign country when the time is right.
以上就是我这篇写作的思路，现在有个疑惑的问题就是，我在看一些材料，比如5.5那本书的时候讨论第三段，有的时候说正，有时反，也有合或散的情况，这篇文章的第三段受了那个影响，但是每每写散的文章的时候都害怕自己会跑题，正好借这个机会问老师这种思路是否可取。。。
初学者，分析很多不到位的地方，请老师见谅。虽然425考，但很遗憾作文正式写有点晚。。。

锤先森G330UID：3603995

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-7 20:24
你试下按这几个问题自评一下

主旨句是否充分回应题目？

这篇文章昨天写好的第一稿，看老师的自评法自己判断了以后才发上来。。但是肯定有很多理解不到位的地方。。。

纪晓晴UID：3561823

老师，这几天一直再看范文仿写，这是Argument24昨晚看的范文写了提纲，今天就自己限时写了一下，麻烦老师帮忙看一下，谢谢老师！！

According to some health experts, it is predicted that the symptom of headache among Menia residences will be assuaged due to the function of salicylates and the promise made by food-processing manufactures that more salicylates will be added into the food. To evaluate the prediction, we need to know more details about the nature of salicylate and the specialty of residence and the practice of the food -processing manufacturers.

(The function of salicylates)
To begin with, we need to know more about the salicylates. The fact that it is the same chemical family as aspirin does not necessarily imply that it will have the same therapeutic effects. We need to know the real function of salicylates. That is to say, what kind of disease can it cure? Besides, the superficial correlation between the commercial use and declination in headache cannot guarantee the causation between the two issues. Maybe in the same time, the patients take other medicines which are effective. Or they choose different therapeutic methods. If that is true, we can conclude that the salicylates cannot serve the purpose of mollifying headache. In other words, the prediction is not available.

(specialty of residences)
In addition, we need to know the specialty of Manie residences. It is said the salicylates is used as preservatives for food. Thus, we need to know whether the residences can adapt to the flavor. Besides, we have no idea about the real cause of the headache in the town. It is likely that the headache is caused by other serious disease, which is particular in Menia. If that is the case, we need to find out the effective way to cure the serious disease. Introducing salicylates will make no difference to the condition that the residences face.

(Practice of the producers)
Even the salicylates do take effect and the residences can like the flavor. We still need to know the detailed procedure made by food-processing producers. For example, how much will they add salicylates into the food and can the amount they add make a difference? Moreover, we need to examine the cost for the manufacturers, because if it is too expansive for them to bear, they may replace the salicylates with other flavors. Thus we need to know how much money the manufactures will invest in the change and whether it will lead to the profits. Thus, more examination about the procedure made by manufactures should be taken into account.

Overall, more details about the prediction still need to be figured out before drawing to the conclusion.

susie35UID：3550587

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-7 16:16
5.5那本书讲正反正是很误导人的  这次拿到4分以上的同学都认识到了这一点
我并不是反对从正反来写 但是 ...

恩恩，正是看了那本书，那我知道了，这就立即回去看您的6分教学博客去~~~谢谢老师的回复~！

susie35UID：3550587

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-7 16:16
5.5那本书讲正反正是很误导人的  这次拿到4分以上的同学都认识到了这一点
我并不是反对从正反来写 但是 ...

恩恩，正是看了那本书，那我知道了，这就立即回去看您的6分教学博客去~~~谢谢老师的回复~！

ee_stoneUID：3573213

ee_stone 发表于 2015-4-7 00:06
非常感谢 王老师 的指导，很有启发。这是 修改 过 的 提纲 ，不知道 是否 合格。另外 还练习 了issue 1 ...

谢谢 王老师 点评 ，我 会再改 下 第二篇的例子，再次感谢

tesolchinaUID：2191404

纪晓晴 发表于 2015-4-7 21:41
老师，这几天一直再看范文仿写，这是Argument24昨晚看的范文写了提纲，今天就自己限时写了一下，麻烦老师帮 ...

记得抄题哦  
另外版面上有一道同主题练习可以去看看

纪晓晴UID：3561823

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-8 20:49
记得抄题哦  
另外版面上有一道同主题练习可以去看看

哎呀忘记了。。下次一定注意~是Argument 35的那个么？这就去看~~