issue7 科技类，请大家帮忙修改。

beilongzhuhaiUID: 175441

Topic: The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

Point of the view: The video camera can truly provide an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life, but written records has its unique function in some regions which the video camera can not replace.

Syllabus:
1.        The video camera can truly provide an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life.
2.        But written records also has its unique function in some regions.
3.        In the political region, written records can represent the crucial contract and the significant conditions between the two sides of the written record.
4.        In the scientific region, written records can express the most accurate description.
5.        In the artistic region, written records can contain the important part of it.
6.        Conclusion that the written record can not be replaced in some realms.
  
Text :
    In our modern time, people can have more opportunities to choose more and more tools and ways to record the contemporary and wonderful life in the basis of the rapid social and technological development. Thus , video camera had been changed into the most popular tool among the other instruments when people want to record something of their contemporary life. And it is not only because it can be easily hold and used, but also it can provide an accurate and convincing record. Naturally, some people think that video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

    In the first glance, we can draw this conclusion. In fact, when you want to remember some funny and happy records, the most effective way is to watch the pictures of the records recorded by the video camera. And it can let you see what you were that time and what the circumstance were around you directly. We can not find which way can be more straight than this one. However, this is only the superficial phenomenon after you get the genuine meaning of the following argument.

    Firstly, in the political realm, we can only use the written records to interact and exchange the same or different points of the views. We can not take out some photos and pictures to decide or make some crucial rules and laws. We have to write down the genuine contracts and conditions to represent the significant decisions with which we interact with the other parties and other countries formally and correctly. Only by some pictures, that can not reach the goals we want. For example, if we only use the video camera to record the whole course of the political meeting, we even can not know the final decision of the meeting. It must make many difficulties to the meeting and let the meeting to be no sense finally.

     Secondly, in the scientific realm, we also can see the genuine effort of the written record. whatever the Relative Theory or the Newton Rules, they can not be expressed only by the video camera completely. Contrary, they can only be made the description by the written records carefully. And in many scientific international exchanging, the pictures and the photos often used particularly in some special situations in order to allow the essays and the arguments can easily to be learned and understood. No other tools can replace the weight of the written record in the scientific region.

     Thirdly, in the artistic realm, the written record also is the most useful way to convey the art to the people and even all over the world. For example, we can not sing a song who recorded by the video camera because it can not express one integrate song only by some pictures and photos. The song only can be written down at the paper or recorded by the recorder. And also the handwriting is the accurate example to illustrate this point of view. Even these handwriting can be recorded by the video camera, but it has been disappeared the genuine content of it after imitated by the photos and the pictures.

     In conclusion, we can understand why we say that the video camera can not replace the status of the written record even the video camera can make convenience of the contemporary life of the people. They have their different functions in the different regions of our life. Therefore, we can see the written record is more important in some aspects than the video camera.

haiyaUID: 187989

In our modern time, people can have more opportunities to choose more and more tools and ways to record the contemporary and wonderful life in the basis of the rapid social and technological development. Thus , video camera had been changed into the most popular tool among the other instruments when people want to record something of their contemporary life. And it is not only because it can be easily hold and used, but also it can provide an accurate and convincing record. Naturally, some people think that video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

InAt the first glance, we can draw this conclusion this conclusion can be drawn被动句感觉主语比较突出一点. In fact, when you want to remember some funny and happy records, the most effective way is to watch the pictures of the records recorded by the video camera. And it can let you see what you were that time and what the circumstance were around you directly. We can not find which way other ways which can be more straight than this one. However, this is only the superficial phenomenon after you get the genuine meaning of the following argument.

Firstly, in the political realm, we can only use the written records to interact and exchange the same or different points of the views. We can not take out some photos and pictures to decide or make some crucial rules and laws. We have to write down the genuine contracts and conditions to represent the significant decisions with through which we interact with the other parties and other countries formally and correctly particularly. Only by some pictures, that can not reach the goals we want.never can we reach the wanted goals. For example, if we only use the video camera to record the whole course of the political meeting, we even can not know the final decision of the meeting. It must make many difficulties to for? the meeting and let the meeting to be no sense finally.

Secondly, in the scientific realm, we also can see the genuine effort of the written record. whatever the Relative Theory or the Newton Rules, they can not be expressed only by the video camera completely. Contrary, they can only be made the description by the written records carefully. And in many scientific international exchanging, the pictures and the photos often used particularly in some special situations in order to allow the essays and the arguments can easily to be learned and understood allow the essays and the theory to be learned and understanded easily. No other tools can replace the weight of the written record in the scientific region.

Thirdly, in the artistic realm, the written record also is the most useful way to convey the art to the people and even all over the world. For example, we can not sing a song who recorded by the video camera because it can not express one integrate song only by some pictures and photos. The song only can be written down at the paper or recorded by the recorder video camera 也后 recorder的功能呀，建议删去. And also the handwriting is the accurate example to illustrate this point of view. Even these handwriting can be recorded by the video camera, but it has been disappeared the genuine content of it after imitated by the photos and the pictures.

In conclusion, we can understand why we say that the video camera can not replace the status of the written record even the video camera can make convenience of the contemporary life of the people. They have their different functions in the different regions of our life. Therefore, we can see the written record is more important in some aspects than the video camera.

听同学说过，比较好的一种分body的方法就是从politics、arts and science 三方面着手，总算看到一篇了。思路挺清楚的。我看到这个题目时思路不太明朗，也算受启发了。我觉得没什么需要大改之处。就是art里面觉得calligraphy倒是个很不错的例子。：）
另外关于开头的问题。一般开头是否要开门见山表明自己的立场会比较好一点呢？

beilongzhuhaiUID: 175441

谢谢你的修改！这也是第一次别人帮我这样的修改！
我觉得自己文字方面还有很多要下功夫的地方！我会努力的！动笔就是进步！

sunnylyon2004UID: 187852

In our modern time, people can have more opportunities to choose more and more tools and ways to record the contemporary and wonderful life in (on)the basis of the rapid social and technological development. Thus , video camera had been changed into the most popular tool among the other instruments when people want to record something of their contemporary life. And it is not only because it can be easily hold and used, but also it can provide an accurate and convincing record. Naturally, some people think that video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

In the first glance, we can draw this conclusion.(as mentioned above or as following, 看的有点糊涂,因为上段和in fact后面都在说video好,而in fact 后面好象是要转折的) In fact, when you want to remember some funny and happy records, the most effective way is to watch the pictures of the records recorded by the video camera. And it can let you see what you were that time and what the circumstance were around you directly. We can not find which way can be more straight than this one. However, this is only the superficial phenomenon after you get the genuine meaning of the following argument.

[B]Firstly, in the political realm, we can only use the written records to interact and exchange the same or different points of the views. [/B]  We can not take out some photos and pictures to decide or make some crucial rules and laws. We have to write down the genuine contracts and conditions to represent the significant decisions with which we interact with the other parties and other countries formally and correctly. Only by some pictures, that can not reach the goals we want. For example,(Supposed) if (去掉)we only use the video camera to record the whole course of the political meeting, we even can not know the final decision of the meeting. It must make many difficulties to the meeting and let the meeting to be no sense finally.后面这部分是反证,即如果只有Video会如何如何,增强说服力.

[B]Secondly, in the scientific realm, we also can see the genuine effort of the written record.[/B]  whatever the Relative Theory or the Newton Rules, they can not be expressed only by the video camera completely. Contrary, they can only be made the description by the written records carefully. [B]And[/B]  (用however能体现后面的转折让步)in many scientific international exchanging, the pictures and the photos often used particularly in some special situations in order to allow the essays and the arguments can easily to be learned and understood. No other tools can replace the weight of the written record in the scientific region.

[B]Thirdly, in the artistic realm, the written record also is (is also)the most useful way to convey the art to the people and even all over the world. [/B]  For example, we can not sing a song who recorded by the video camera because it can not express one integrate song only by some pictures and photos. The song only can be written down at the paper or recorded by the recorder. And also the handwriting is the accurate example to illustrate this point of view. Even these handwriting can be recorded by the video camera, but it has been disappeared the genuine content of it after imitated by the photos and the pictures.

[B]In conclusion, we can understand why we say that the video camera can not replace the status of the written record [/B]  even the video camera can make convenience of the contemporary life of the people. They have their different functions in the different(some certain,避免重复) regions of our life. Therefore, we can see the written record is more important in some aspects than the video camera.

本文结构相当清晰,如haiya所说, 3个领域举的又经济又得体.本文运用了假定的例子(我改成Supposed的),同时也是反证, 建议在其他两个领域也用用反证. 同时,可以想想可不可以引用权威等等,这样会使论证方法更加多样化.

语言流畅, 但要尽量避免重复,如different,important等,适当作些变换.此外, 也要加强中英问转化能力的训练.(我也要向这方面努力.)
句型,短语还可以再丰富多采一些,这样文采会更突出.:)

我先改这篇吧,政治类的我还不熟,以后再改:)

beilongzhuhaiUID: 175441

谢谢你的修改！觉得你的意见很忠恳，我也觉得自己语言方面与论证方面还有很多地方不够！

我会继续努力的！动笔就是进步！