argument9 限时成功，虽然字数不多，已很欣慰了

putinfansUID：199002

The relationship of teacing evaluation system and job finding
      In this memorandum a dean of Omega University recommendes that in order to increase sccess of their students' job finding they should terminate the sistem of teaching evaluation sisterm, to support this argument he points out that after the implement of evaluation sisterm students's scores increased by 30 percen, but employers apparently believe the grades at Omega University are inflated because they have not been sccessful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University. This argument suffers many logical flaws thus is unconvincing.
       To begin with, the arguers draws a causal relationship between teaching evaluation sisterrm and students' grades which not necessarily true.  Although it may be the case that the teaching evaluation made teachers work harder than before, it is entirely possible that students worked harder than before or their parents requir them get good marks, and this can made them study hard. So the increased scores were not the result of teaching evaluation. Without more information the arguer can not make me believe that the increased scores resulted from teaching evaluation.
       Futhermore, many factors can affect students' job finding.  Omage students were not as sccessful as Alpha students but this was not necessarily because employer thought their grades were inflated. Perhaps although grades were very high of Omaga students but they lack the ability in practice, thus can not  be good workers. That is Omage school is just good at teaching things on books but not so good at teaching them how to do in practice.
      Finally, there are many ways to boost success of job finding for Omage students, and not necessarily by terminating teaching evaluation sisterm. Common sense tells us that evaluation sisterm can make teachers work better, when they know they will be degraded or jobless unless they teach well, they will take their real responsibility in teaching. Thus, make students learn better, and teach them more things. Also, Omage school can open more other courses intended  to cultivate students' ability to put book knoledge into practice. Computer courses can teach students how to use computer to serve their lives. Business courses can teach them how to do business within the law. Such kinds of courses are very important for our lives, true ability is more importans than book knowledge.
     In sum,this argument is unconvincing. To let me convince it the arguer must provide forther information to let me believe: (1)the score increasing of Omega school resulted from teaching evaluation sisterm, (2) the unsccess in job finding resulted from employers view about students' grades that they were inflated, (3) the only way to boost sccess in job finding is terminating teaching evaluation sisterm.

billkaoUID：9349

正式考试的时候别忘了段落之间分行
：）

putinfansUID：199002

谢谢提醒！
是不是逗号，句号后要空格？
文章要不要写题目啊？

billkaoUID：9349

The relationship of teaching evaluation system and job finding=hunting 下同 没必要写题目了

In this memorandum a dean of Omega University recommendes多了个e that in order to increase sccess=success，也可以改成improve performance of their students' job finding they should terminate the sistem=system of teaching evaluation sisterm去掉, 两个句子之间不能用简单的逗号连接to support this argument he points out that after the implement of evaluation sisterm=system students's后面那个s多余 scores increased by 30 percent, but employers apparently believe the grades at Omega University are inflated because因果颠倒了 不相信是原因 找不到工作是果呀 they have not been sccessful=successful at=in getting jobs as have graduates这个也有点问题 from nearby Alpha University. This argument suffers many logical flaws thus is unconvincing.
各段之间加个空行，各标点之后加个空格
To begin with, the arguers draws a causal relationship between teaching evaluation sisterrm and students' grades which not necessarily true.看了看题目，并没有说成绩和评估系统是因果阿，原文用的是since that time么 Although it may be the case that the teaching evaluation made teachers work harder than before, it is entirely possible that students worked harder than before or their parents requir them get good marks, and this can made them study hard. So the increased scores were not the result of teaching evaluation. Without more information the arguer can not make me believe that the increased scores resulted from teaching evaluation.

Futhermore, many factors can affect students' job finding. Omage students were not as sccessful as Alpha students but this was not necessarily because employer thought their grades were inflated. 前两句都不错，后面就有点开始偏了。Perhaps although grades were very high of Omaga students but they lack the ability in practice, thus can not be good workers. 这个和主题没有什么直接关系啊，A学生的表现差不能表明O校学生不好找工作的原因是什么That is Omage school is一个句子只能有一个谓语，不知道是不是想用 it is that的强调句 just good at teaching things on books but not so good at teaching them how to do in practice.

Finally, there are many ways to boost success of job finding for Omage students, and not necessarily by terminating teaching evaluation sisterm.这个点找的也很准，不过最好用让步的方式表达出来Common sense连起来 tells us that evaluation sisterm can make teachers work better, when they know they will be degraded or jobless unless they teach well, they will take their real responsibility in teaching. Thus, make students learn better, and teach them more things. Also, Omage school can open more other courses intended to cultivate students' ability to put book knoledge into practice. Computer courses，for example, can teach students how to use computer to serve their lives. Business courses can teach them how to do business within the law. Such kinds of courses are very important for our lives, true ability is more importans than book knowledge.

In sum,this argument is unconvincing. To let me convince it the arguer must provide forther=further information to let me believe: (1)the score increasing of Omega school resulted from teaching evaluation sisterm, (2) the unsccess in job finding resulted from employers' view about students' grades that they were inflated, (3) the only way to boost sccess in job finding is terminating teaching evaluation sisterm.

建议下次再张贴作文的时候
1 把原题附上
2 把自己的作文先在word里检查一下，起码把拼写错误和语法错误减少些

多看看范文，多练习，加油
：）