argument167 G-89-互助社-8.5日同主题写作 中途断电全没了~`鼓起勇气重写的

mvpzhuangUID: 205051

Argument 167
A folk remedy* for insomnia, the scent in lavender flowers, has now been proved effective. In a recent study, 30 volunteers with chronic insomnia slept each night for three weeks on lavender-scented pillows in a controlled room where their sleep was monitored. During the first week, volunteers continued to take their usual sleeping medication. They slept soundly but wakened feeling tired. During the second week, the volunteers discontinued their medication. As a result, they slept less soundly than the previous week and felt even more tired. During the third week, the volunteers slept longer and more soundly than in the previous two weeks. This shows that over a short period of time lavender cures insomnia.
*A folk remedy is usually a plant-based form of treatment common to traditional forms of medicine, ones that developed before the advent of modern medical services and technology.


In this argument, the author concludes that the lavender flowers can cure insomnia in a short time period. To support this conclusion, the author cites a survey which includes 30 volunteers with chronic insomnia and lasts of three weeks. However, after close scrutiny of the survey, there are many logical problems.

First of all, whether the three-week time was long enough to examine the effect of the lavender flowers is suspected. For one thing, because all of the volunteers suffer chronic insomnia, it is possible that the reaction during the three week only an aberration and they will reoccur in the future. For another thing, it perhaps that 30 volunteers' reaction cannot represent the overall depends on the statistics only take up a small percentage of the total number. All above-mentioned, if true, will render the survey groundless.

Second, the author ignores to mention the reaction in the third week of whether the volunteers felt more tired or not. It is inevitable to assume that the volunteers felt even more tired based on that they felt more tired in the second week than in the first one. If the assumption is true, then the lavender flowers did not solve the problem that insomnia caused. The reason for people want to cure insomnia is that it makes them cannot sleep and feel tired in the other day which will do negative impact on their lives and works. The lavender flower makes people slept sound but more tired in the coming day. Therefore, from the argument, it tells us that the lavender flower just did the similar things as insomnia did. Moreover, the author unnecessarily confused the conception of insomnia and whether people sleep sound and the reaction after sleep. The evidence of the volunteers slept sound and felt more tired cannot lend and support to the argument.

Finally, the author ignores some other factors that may also influence the result of the survey. It perhaps that the impression on the volunteers in the three weeks are less than before which may made them felt more relax when they slept and slept more sound. Or, after some days, most of they were apt to the environment and felt more similar that will also come to the result. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author's conclusion is unconvincing.

In sum, the conclusion that lavender flower can occur insomnia is dubious. To convince me, the author must prove that the survey is credible and the result of the survey is confirmed by authorities. To better assess the conclusion, the author must perfect the survey by not only include chronic insomnia but all kinds of insomnia.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-6 at 10:30 ]

polymathUID: 179557

祝福mvpzhuang，还没睡呀？呵呵！今天改的太多了！只是上来看看，做个汇总！
继续加油啊！请社区其他的朋友来多提意见啊！:)

meimei0212UID: 2112263

argument167 G-89-互助社-8.5日同主题写作 中途断电全没了~`鼓起勇气重写的

Argument 167
A folk remedy* for insomnia, the scent in lavender flowers, has now been proved effective. In a recent study, 30 volunteers with chronic insomnia slept each night for three weeks on lavender-scented pillows in a controlled room where their sleep was monitored. During the first week, volunteers continued to take their usual sleeping medication. They slept soundly but wakened feeling tired. During the second week, the volunteers discontinued their medication. As a result, they slept less soundly than the previous week and felt even more tired. During the third week, the volunteers slept longer and more soundly than in the previous two weeks. This shows that over a short period of time lavender cures insomnia.
*A folk remedy is usually a plant-based form of treatment common to traditional forms of medicine, ones that developed before the advent of modern medical services and technology.


In this argument, the author concludes that the lavender flowers can cure insomnia in a short time period. To support this conclusion, the author cites a survey which includes 30 volunteers with chronic insomnia and lasts of three weeks.【我觉得这句话转的有点牵强啊，换个连接词可能好些把】 However, after close scrutiny of the survey, there are many logical problems.【个人认为，如果可以在第一段把错误写的详细些会更好， 当然，楼主写的也很不错咯阿】

First of all, whether the three-week time was long enough to examine the effect of the lavender flowers is suspected.【用it形式主语会好些把， 主语过长不是提倡的写法】 For one thing, because all of the volunteers suffer【from】 chronic insomnia, it is possible that the reaction during the three week only an aberration【少个谓语哦】 and they will reoccur in the future. For another thing, it perhaps that 30 volunteers' reaction cannot represent the overall depends on the statistics only take up a small percentage of the total number. All above-mentioned, if true, will render the survey groundless.【这一段用的是列举他因法吧，但是觉得留有模板的痕迹太重了，其实楼主的语言很好啊，不用拘束于那些文字的】

Second, the author ignores to mention the reaction in the third week of【这个语法有问题吧】 whether the volunteers felt more tired or not. It is inevitable to assume that the volunteers felt even more tired based on that they felt more tired in the second week than in the first one. If the assumption is true, then the lavender flowers did not solve the problem that insomnia caused. The reason for people want to cure insomnia is that it makes them can not sleep and feel tired in the other day which will do negative impact on their lives and works. The lavender flower makes people slept sound but more tired in the coming day. Therefore, from the argument, it tells us that the lavender flower just did the similar things as insomnia did. Moreover, the author unnecessarily confused the conception of insomnia and whether people sleep sound and the reaction after sleep. The evidence of the volunteers slept sound and felt more tired cannot lend and support to the argument.【这段论述的好清楚的说，感觉很有逻辑，都没有什么好改的了。】

Finally, the author ignores some other factors that may also influence the result of the survey. It perhaps that the impression on the volunteers in the three weeks are less than before which may made them felt more relax when they slept and slept more sound. Or,【没见过这种用法，用also更妥吧】 after some days, most of they were apt to the environment and felt more similar that will also come to the result. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author's conclusion is unconvincing.【这一段明显没有上一段有说服力，如果能再就一个错误深层次批驳一下就更好了】

In sum, the conclusion that lavender flower can occur insomnia is dubious. To convince me, the author must prove that the survey is credible and the result of the survey is confirmed by authorities. To better assess the conclusion, the author must perfect the survey by not only include chronic insomnia but all kinds of insomnia.
1，        觉得楼主好强啊，居然写了这么多，这一篇我当初写的时候，都没有什么批驳点的说。
2，        如果楼主可以再脱离模板就更好了。



欢迎拍我的https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

mvpzhuangUID: 205051

谢谢阿  非常感谢
真是太抬高我了阿。偶的语言方面就是有点差，才不得不借助魔板的。
回拍来了！以后继续互拍哈

mophanceUID: 195078

不错地，尤其是那个治疗慢性病在三周的时间上的缺陷，我忽略了。谢谢提示。
觉得这个找茬找的很完整了，呵呵