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Is the video camera furnishing us an more去掉 greatgreater world, which is superior to the traditional written records'? The speaker claims so, illustrating that the video camera provides a much more accurate and convincing record of life simultaneously. Although I would concede that the accuracy and convenience brought by the high-tech products like video camera is significant in our life, however, I should compact much more importance on the traditional written records, for it could show the feelings of the recorder, which cannot be replaced by the high-tech camera, and propel some subjects to develop, such as the literature and biography while protect the privacy of individuals.感觉似乎开头太长了一点,有点不够简练,如果把能合并的几句合并一下那就更好了,还有开头的问句也有点长.
Granted, nowadays, video camera is becoming prevalent in everyday life, providing a more convenience service最好用复数?, and recording the scenery more exactly and convincingly. When people are in some circumstance that is important to remember like the wedding party, they will probably come to the video camera, recording the scenery accurately. At such moment, only the written record is deficient, for the background of the party, the each countenance of party-comers is hard to depict one by one simply on a sheet of paper. Thus, the video camera really acts great in the roles of recording magnificent scene. The bland description of a common-life written records is far more attracting than the vivid colors the video camera brings to people.前面说了video camera可以给人们带来很多好处,这里就不如简单的举多个例子来的全面了,而且能呼应上.
However, although to some extent the video camera is incomparable, the feature of written endows itself a much larger space有点太笼统了,最好明确点. As we know, the written records include some kinds of feeling from the author, which cannot be seen in the video camera. After all, the video camera is just a machine without emotion, and so is its work. Although the people laughed gladly in the video record, the people outstanding the scene that is who have not such experience can hardly be affected by the video record, while an individual can almost easily be influenced by the gorgeous skills of writer who recorded the events. 这个句子好象太长了点That's because the recorder can mingle one's emotion with the words they are writing, leading the audience to a scenery more near to life. Yet, the inaccuracy existent in the written records should not be neglect, which become the obstacle of the investigating reliability of the events recorded.这个转折的就不要了吧,最好一段中的意思都和中心句高度一致
In addition, the written records also propel some subjects to innovate and thrive, which can be seen from the literature and biography. Literature is seldom sheer writing work by playing literal objects, as it need to have lifelike background from the day-life records. While, to biography, thanks to the written records, can we spy to the great persons’ life with the view of written records. And, it is impossible to use the video camera to record the person in whole life, regardless of human rights. In such case, the written records, such like the diary, the letters, etc. can provide quantity of information to enable the biographer to depict a great person.
论证的很不错,不过中心句在表述上和上一段关联太大,你看如果改成written record在很多video camera不方便工作的地方能起到很大的作用是不是更好一点?
To sum up, the speaker's claim that the video camera is very important is fundamentally right. However, nowadays when high-tech is fast developing, people should not neglect the significance of the traditional written records. Without the written records, literature cannot progress at speed; without the written records, the biography will be suspended in order no to intrude individual’s privacy, only if the truth of the records could be inssured.
论证和语言都很不错,不过应该重点注意全篇和每段内文字的呼应,还有一些地方应该简练一点. |
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