issue104 It is primarily through formal education that a cu

xshs_5UID: 92155

这是我好不容易写成的第一篇,大家快帮我看看,多多批评指正,谢谢!
这也是11月考过的题,大家如果写过的,也跟贴交流吧!

[B]Issue104"It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears."[/B]

Every culture has its mainstream values, which play an important role in people’s life. A culture usually tries to keep its society going in the track it hopes through formal education as a primary means. But such function of education should not be excessively emphasized. Otherwise, the essence of education would be distorted.

Why is formal education chosen as an essential way to perpetuate the ideas a culture favors and discredit the ideas a culture fears? We could get the answer from the characteristics of formal education. First, contrast to family education, through formal education society can produce similar ideas in bulk, while mass media could only play an inducting role with respect to this task. Second, students who are still uncertain and easier to shape the values and characters are the future of the society, playing the determinate part. Their ideas formed during formal education impact the rest of their lives effectively and so affect the future society successfully. Therefore, through formal education a culture can keep in the right direction it hopes.

It is true that formal education is a crucial means of preserving what a culture perceives as essential. For example, China perpetuates Confucian culture and very valuable Chinese classical and contemporary literature and arts by arranging students’ courses and their extracurricular activities. Students today are also taught modern sciences introduced from other countries which are believed to be very vital in the development of China’s society and economy.

On the other hand, however, if a culture narrowly quash ideas it fears by using formal education method, lest these ideas preponderate over current mainstream ones, for the purpose to protect and strengthen the position of itself, on doubt it will only circumscribe and even obdurate students’ thinking. In this case, come out will no different, no new thoughts, creativity will be frustrated, existing fallacy will be concealed. Moreover, when formal education acts as a political tool, it probably would bring the whole nation disaster. Taking economics theory for example, Chinese only accepted Marxism economics before reformation in the late 1970s, and regarded other economics as rubbish. Single planned economy was carried out in that time, which did work at first but caused a big waste of resources later and seriously hampered the development of the whole country’s economy. Further, this planned economy brought many problems to today’s development of China’s society and economy. Nowadays we change our minds and consider Marxism economics as only one academic embranchment of economics. With on-limits mind, we introduce all kinds of proper knowledge all around the world, which refresh our minds and push our society forward.

A healthy culture should not fear different ideas, should not fear its descendants, and should have a broad perspective. Formal education, which takes the mission of culture spreading, should give students a pair of bright eyes and a wise mind to think, to discover, to create, rather than indoctrinate them with certain ideas. With critical thinking, students are able to discern what kind of ideas will do good to our society, what kind of thoughts will be conducive to the welfare of the whole nation. That’s where the essence of formal education is. (528 words)

gteryyUID: 114434

Every culture has its mainstream(我觉得main就可以了） values, which play an important role in people’s life. A culture usually tries to keep its society going in the track（我不太清楚这边什么意思） it hopes through formal education as a primary means. But such （a） function of education should not be excessively emphasized. Otherwise, the essence of education would be distorted.

Why is formal education chosen as an essential way to perpetuate the ideas a culture favors and discredit the ideas a culture fears? We could get the answer（我觉得come to a conclustion更好一点） from the characteristics of formal education. First, contrast to family education, through formal education society can (help to)  produce similar ideas in bulk, while mass media could only play an inducting（I'm not sure what does 'inductive' mean here） role with respect to this task. Second, students who are still uncertain and easier（不确定和更容易？我想你可能想说careless?） to shape the values and characters are the future of the society, playing the determinate part. Their ideas formed during formal education impact the rest of their lives effectively(strongly) and so affect the future society successfully. Therefore, through formal education a culture can keep (觉得这里该有个itself，不确定） in the right direction it hopes (to).

It is true that formal education is a crucial means of(for) preserving what a culture perceives as essential. For example, China perpetuates Confucian culture and very valuable Chinese classical and contemporary literature and arts by arranging students’ courses (demand students with such courses) and their extracurricular activities. Students today are also taught modern sciences introduced from other countries which are believed to be very(可能去掉very好点） vital in the development of China’s society（换个别的词吧，‘中国的社会’好象有点别扭） and economy.

On the other hand, however, if a culture narrowly quash ideas it fears by using(by using-----through) formal education method, lest these ideas preponderate over current mainstream ones, for the purpose to protect and strengthen the position of itself, on(no)doubt it will only circumscribe and even obdurate students’ thinking. In this case, come out will no different, no new thoughts(no后面好象是用单数吧？）, creativity will be frustrated, existing fallacy will be concealed. Moreover, when formal education acts as a political tool, it probably would bring the whole nation disaster. Taking economics theory for example, Chinese only accepted Marxism economics before reformation in the late 1970s, and regarded other economics as rubbish. Single planned economy was carried out in that time, which did work at first but caused a big waste of resources later and seriously hampered the development of the whole country’s economy. Further, this planned economy brought many problems to today’s development of China’s society and economy. Nowadays we change our minds and consider Marxism economics as only one academic embranchment of economics. With on-limits mind, we introduce all kinds of proper knowledge all around the world, which refresh our minds and push our society forward.

A healthy culture should not fear different ideas, should not fear its descendants, and should have a broad perspective. Formal education, which takes the mission of culture spreading, should give students a pair of bright eyes and a wise mind to think, to discover, to create, rather than indoctrinate them with certain ideas. With critical thinking, students are able to discern what kind of ideas will do good to our society, what kind of thoughts will be conducive to the welfare of the whole nation. That’s where the essence of formal education is. (528 words)
最后一段挺不错的。前面呢，举的都是中国的例子，虽然很好，可是难免为难了狭隘的ETS，还是多举一些ETS也知道的。
按段落篇幅好象你是“两面派”（玩笑），最好鲜明一些。强调一下formal education的意义、作用或者是缺陷等等。
我也很菜，观点只能参考。不错，加油。

xshs_5UID: 92155

谢谢gteryy,你说得很有道理,我也觉得我的观点似乎有点不明确,大概就像你上次发的那篇关于思维的文章里说的,中国人的两面辨证思维毛病又犯了.我的例子的确也举得比较狭隘,而且是否妥当?也请大家评一下.

你说的这句话:
Second, students who are still uncertain and easier to shape the values and characters are the future of the society, playing the determinate part. （不确定和更容易？我想你可能想说careless?）
这里我是说students are uncertain,也就是说他们的可塑性很强,也就是后面的easier to shape...的意思,所以用and连接,and后面重复前面的意思,解释说明.不知道我这样的表达是否容易造成歧义?

A culture usually tries to keep its society going in the track（我不太清楚这边什么意思） it hopes.
我想说:一种文化通常总是试图保证它的社会运行在它所希望的轨道里.
不知道地道的表达是什么.请教大家了!

再次感谢gteryy!
还继续请教大家其他的文法错误和整体评点!

beckyyeeUID: 8330

1.. First, contrast to family education-----in contrast to & contrary to

2. First, contrast to family education, through formal education society can produce similar ideas in bulk, while mass media could only play an inducting role with respect to this task.  还是这句,我觉得through可以删去.

3.Second, students who are still uncertain and easier to shape the values and characters are the future of the society, playing the determinate part. -----?这句话没看懂?

4.Their ideas formed during formal education impact the rest of their lives effectively and so affect the future society successfully. -----这句话写得不好....改成their idears are formed through formal education which can impact the rest of their lives effectively and ultimately lead the future society to success.

5.On the other hand, however, if a culture narrowly quash ideas it fears by using formal education method, lest these ideas preponderate over current mainstream ones, for the purpose to protect and strengthen the position of itself, on doubt it will only circumscribe and even obdurate students’ thinking.----这个长句很不好懂啊.....

6.. In this case, come out will no different, no new thoughts, creativity will be frustrated, existing fallacy will be concealed. -----come out will no different? what does that mean? i didn't get it.......

7. Moreover, when formal education acts as a political tool, it probably would bring the whole nation disaster-----it probably would bring the whole nation with disaster. "with"不能省!

开头和结尾都写得不错!

一点建议: 不要太过刻意追求写长句难句,当然也不能不写,但写的时候一定要注意语法和习惯的表达方式,否则根本没法读懂. 我也同意GTERYY说的观点要再鲜明一些,不要太折中.

总的来说还是不错的. +U+U

^^

xshs_5UID: 92155

非常感谢beckyyee!
我去修改一下

xshs_5UID: 92155

这是修改后的文章.[B]后面我还贴了word的附件,标记得更清楚些,便于对照原文看.[/B]
Every culture has its mainstream values, which play an important role in people’s life. A culture usually tries to keep its society going in its favorite track through a primary means of formal education. But such a function of education should not be excessively emphasized; otherwise the essence of education would be distorted.

(为了明确观点,下面两段已交换了位置)
It is true that formal education acts as a crucial means for preserving what a culture perceives as essential. For example, China perpetuates its valuable classic and contemporary literature and arts by arranging students’ courses, including their extracurricular activities. Students today are also taught modern sciences introduced from other countries, which are believed to be vital for the development of China. However, when formal education is used as a method to discredit the ideas a culture fears, it will go astray and so will the culture.

To get a better appreciation of this problem, we had better turn first to the characteristics of formal education. First, in contrast to family education, similar ideas can be produced in bulk by formal education, while mass media could only play an introductory role with respect to this task.
(插入:)In this way, ideas are just like products in the assembly line. Every products would be controlled under a certain standard (under用得对不对? ). Any aberrant one would be thrown away as a reject. Second, juvenile, whose characters and values are still easier to shape, are the future of the society and will play the determinate part. Their ideas formed during their formal education play a decisive role in the rest of their lives, and will ultimately influence the future society strongly. Therefore, through formal education a culture can keep its society going in the direction it desires.

It’s proved by history that if a culture narrowly quashes ideas it fears, lest these ideas preponderate over current mainstream ones, no doubt it will only circumscribe students’ thinking. In this case, come out will be no different thought, no new idea ( 1.这里我是想用倒装,但不知道对不对?原序应该是:no different thought, no new idea will come out  2. no的后面是不是只能用单数名词? ), creativity will be frustrated, and existing fallacy will be concealed. Moreover, when formal education acts as a political tool, it will probably bring the whole nation disaster. (下面应该改举一些世界各国历史上的例子,和这段开头的It’s proved by history 相呼应,但一时想不出来,就先不改了.帮忙想想吧.) Taking economics theory for example, Chinese only accepted Marxism economics before reformation in the late 1970s, while regarded other economics as rubbish. Single planned economy which was carried out in that time did work at first, but caused a big waste of resources later, and seriously hampered the development of the whole country’s economy finally, even left behind many problems to recent developments of China. Nowadays we change our minds and consider Marxism economics as only one academic embranchment of economics. With no-limits mind, we introduce all kinds of proper knowledge all around the world, which refresh our minds and push our society forward.

A healthy culture should not fear different ideas, should not fear its descendants, but should have a broad perspective. Formal education, which takes the mission of culture spreading, should give students a pair of bright eyes and a wise mind, to think, to discover, to create, rather than indoctrinate them with certain ideas. With critical thinking, students are able to discern what kind of ideas will do good to their individual developments, what kind of thoughts will be conducive to the welfare of the whole nation. That’s where the essence of formal education is. (这最后一句这么表达是想强调一下essence,但不知道表达得对不对?) (550 words)


[B]另外,to beckyyee:[/B]
"7. Moreover, when formal education acts as a political tool, it probably would bring the whole nation disaster-----it probably would bring the whole nation with disaster. "with"不能省!"

好像应该是bring sb. sth.的结构,不用加with吧