Argument173, 跟bernina预约的，辛苦了哦~~~

xueyiUID: 2647060

只有开头，没有结尾，而且第三段实在是还没琢磨出来……


Argument 173 "Our poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on their front covers. Over the same period, competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news. Moreover, the cost of maintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing. Therefore, we should decrease our emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying such stories on our magazine covers."

Maybe neither international news itself nor such cover stories contribute to a declining sales of magazine. Simply decreasing emphasis on them without considering other factors leading to declining popularity, is not a wise strategy.

A magazine issue sold poorest could be attributed to many factors. For example, the magazine's appearance would play a vital role in sales. Those poorest-selling issues with international news cover stories may not have appealing pictures such as a pretty singers, cute pets, or  splendid architectures but  scenes of war which were not attractive enough. In this case, the magazine should improve its design rather than giving up reporting international news. Furthermore, if the magzine's international news are all written in a professional way, full of political, cultural and sociology terms, focusing only in scholars, ordinary people would find it hard to understand and thus lose interest in it. Other possibility is that issues featured international news are special ones with a double price, causing people unwilling to pay for those issues because they are used to the regular price, which results in a unsatisfying selling. As all these alternatives influence the magazine's selling, international news cannot take the full responsibility of less popularity.

What's more, a magazine should not repeat what its competitors have done, and actions should be taken according to its own situation. Though this magazine's international news issues were sold poorest during a period, they can still be top of the best-sellers among the same kind of magazines. It's quite possible that this magazine is known to the public for its wonderful international news, especially those cover stories, which give great pressure to its competitors making them change their focus gradually. Under these circumstances, it will not be a wise strategy for this  magazine to reduce displaying international news cover stories, for they are particular characteristics  to be remembered by readers.

berninaUID: 2503038

Maybe neither international news itself nor such cover stories contribute to a declining sales of magazine. Simply decreasing emphasis on them without considering other factors leading to declining popularity, is not a wise strategy.

这样的开头太直接了。。开头就是提纲挈领的作用，说文章有问题，再简单列举。最好前面放一句总起句，在开始列举，要不不太像开头了。
而且这个开头仅仅说了个他因，只能当一个body的首句而非整篇文章的开头。并且 如果要当首句，最好也改改，你要掌握好一个原则就是，首句必须是总起句，是一段的核心内容，是论点而非论据，也就是说，首句不要出现具体的说理，比如maybe 这句，我觉得就很像是具体的说理了，其实你想表达的意思就是不一定是因为杂志的封面后内容而导致了销量减少，如果我是你，我会说 whether the cover or the content of  the magzine mainly account for the sales declination is open to question. 也就是说，用这样的总起的句子先开个头，后面你在慢慢详细说。让读者开到就知道，你这一段要说他因了。


A magazine issue sold poorest could be attributed to many factors+ which seem more convincing than their covers. For example, the magazine's appearance would play a vital role in sales. Those poorest-selling issues with international news cover stories may not have appealing pictures such as a pretty singers, cute pets, or  splendid architectures but  scenes of war which were not attractive enough. In this case, the magazine should improve its design rather than giving up reporting international news. Furthermore, if the magzine's international news are all written in a professional way, full of political, cultural and sociology terms, focusing only in scholars, ordinary people would find it hard to understand and thus lose interest in it. Other possibility is that issues featured international news are special ones with a double price, causing people unwilling to pay for those issues because they are used to the regular price, which results in a unsatisfying selling. As all these alternatives influence the magazine's selling, international news cannot take the full responsibility of less popularity.
你这一段是想说他因了，你这里主要是三点，1 封面不吸引人，2 内容过于学术化，3 价格高。他因找的不错，但是如果整理整理是不是更好呢？
如果我是你，我会这么写：
1 这家杂志社的国际新闻是什么类型的？要知道，国际新闻也包括娱乐，政治不同内容，是不是以为他们的内容只有政治，所以引起不了大家的兴趣？如果是这样，那么作者的建议（we should decrease our emphasis on international news ）是不是就太武断了呢？如果多多增加一些有趣的东西，也许销售量就上升了，

2 就算这家杂志报道的国际新闻是关于政治的，作者的建议也有问题。作者假设封面为国际新闻的杂志销量减少是因为大家不关心国际新闻，但是作者并没有提供相因证据，也许，导致其销量下降的原因还有很多（也许价格高，也许杂志内容描写枯燥不吸引人，不是人们关注的热点话题，也许有专门写国际新闻的杂志社占有强大的市场份额，从而消费者不愿意购买这家的）

列出的这两点 一个是从杂志的内容类型是否吸引人，一个是从 杂志本身和外部因素来说导致其销量下降的因素。

What's more, a magazine should not repeat what its competitors have done, and actions should be taken according to its own situation. Though this magazine's international news issues were sold poorest during a period, they can still be top of the best-sellers among the same kind of magazines. It's quite possible that this magazine is known to the public for its wonderful international news, especially those cover stories, which give great pressure to its competitors making them change their focus gradually. Under these circumstances, it will not be a wise strategy for this  magazine to reduce displaying international news cover stories, for they are particular characteristics  to be remembered by readers.
这段要说别人的例子不能用在自己身上，开头句还是有些问题，你可以这样想，他为什么要减少国际新闻？是不是因为这个杂志的规模太小，没办法承担？ 他们采取这个措施之后产生了什么效果？销量提升了么？光说别人减少了，却没说减少后的效果，有什么说服力呢？就算他销量上升了 是否能说明如果我们采用这样的方法，我们的销量也会上升呢？

还有一个就是，虽然销量减少，但是这个国际杂志给整个公司带来了收益还是损失并不知道，也许销量下降了，担任然给公司带来利益，那就没有必要减少对其的投资了。

抱歉 改的实在很粗糙，没有细看你的文章，所以有一些语法问题没有改出来，抱歉抱歉。有什么问题再来问我。。加油！