[分享] 每日一评！5.1！又一篇6分大作！

tomatoeggsUID：82073

Issue30
"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."


The speaker contends that technology's primary goal should be to increase our efficiency for the purpose of affording us more leisure time. I concede that technology has enhanced our efficiency as we go about our everyday lives. Productivity software helps us plan and coordinate projects; intranets, the Internet, and satellite technology make us more efficient messengers; and technology even helps us prepare our food and access entertainment more efficiently. Beyond this concession, however, I find the speaker's contention indefensible from both an empirical and a normative standpoint.

[B]注意这种新结构：运用了大量的事实作出对原文观点的让步性同意，但是在最后还是有所创新的提出自己的读到见解。这种开头给人一种很爽的感觉——have forcibly posed your viewpoints.
让我们记住：The speaker contends that…I concede that…
            Beyond this concession, however, I find the speaker's contention indefensible from both an empirical and a normative standpoint.[/B]

            

The chief reason for my disagreement lies in the empirical proof: with technological advancement comes diminished leisure time. In 1960 the average U.S. family included only one breadwinner, who worked just over 40 hours per week. Since then the average work week has increased steadily to nearly 60 hours today; and in most families there are now two breadwinners. What explains this decline in leisure despite increasing efficiency that new technologies have brought about? I contend that technology itself is the culprit behind the decline. We use the additional free time that technology affords us not for leisure but rather for work. As computer technology enables greater and greater office productivity it also raises our employers' expectations--or demands--for production. Further technological advances breed still greater efficiency and, in turn, expectations. Our spiraling work load is only exacerbated by the competitive business environment in which nearly all of us work today. Moreover, every technological advance demands our time and attention in order to learn how to use the new technology. Time devoted to keeping pace with technology depletes time for leisure activities.

[B]精华：注意breed的含意：generate, bring in
      可以说，这就是自己的见解，这就是the power of having been thinking. 作者一反常规，提出advanced technology在给人类带来这样那样的方便的同时，反而在蚕食人的time and energy.[/B]


I disagree with the speaker for another reason as well: the suggestion that technology's chief goal should be to facilitate leisure is simply wrongheaded. There are far more vital concerns that technology can and should address. Advances in bio-technology can help cure and prevent diseases; advances in medical technology can allow for safer, less invasive diagnosis and treatment; advances in genetics can help prevent birth defects; advances in engineering and chemistry can improve the structural integrity of our buildings, roads, bridges and vehicles; information technology enables education while communication technology facilitates global participation in the emocratic process. In short, health, safety, education, and freedom--and not leisure--are the proper final objectives of technology. Admittedly, advances in these areas sometimes involve improved efficiency; yet efficiency is merely a means to these more important ends.

[B]确实精彩！读者也会不得不承认technology has resulted in short, health, safety, education, and freedom--and not leisure, the final destination.[/B]

In sum, I find indefensible the speaker's suggestion that technology's value lies chiefly in the efficiency and resulting leisure time it can afford us. The suggestion runs contrary to the overwhelming evidence that technology diminishes leisure time, and it wrongly places leisure ahead of goals such as health, safety, education, and freedom as technology's ultimate aims.

[B]精华： …value lies chiefly in …
       The suggestion runs contrary to the overwhelming evidence that…
and it wrongly places … ahead of [/B]

[B]This is really an outstanding response towards the paradox of technology’s influence upon man’s life. The author shows us cogent  reasoning , insightful and persuasive analysis, and superior control of language. It indeed deserves  6 [/SIZE] scores.[/B]

paisleyUID：64183

不好意思，蛋蛋， 我还不太清楚，这些分数是原来就配着作文的吗？还是你打的分啊？

SMMUID：106624

We may not be  too serious about the scores, I think.   

Thanks to  tomatoeggs, and thanks to paisley, too.

SMMUID：106624

Let us discuss the first paragraph more carefully.

The GRE topics are usually abstract topics, which I think is much more difficult, or complex topics.

In this case, to adress the complexity of the topic, the author admit that there are some truths in the speker's assertion and even give some examples. (You know, most assertions in GRE Issue pool are correct to some degree.)

But the author is disagree with the speaker's conclution. So at the end of the first paragraph, the author present his or her statement clealy. And the rest of this article is mainly focused on his or her assertion.


Am I right, tomatoeggs,angeikim and paisley?
By the way, thanks to paisley, your ecouragements and helps have been deeply appreciated by me.
Good luck and Best regards.

tomatoeggsUID：82073

最初由 paisley 发表
[B]不好意思，蛋蛋， 我还不太清楚，这些分数是原来就配着作文的吗？还是你打的分啊？ [/B]

哦，我还以为大家已经知道了，既然是由我来评的所以这些分数都是我自己的意见啦！不好意思，有可能误导大家了。

我打分的依据一般是：
1.  ets官方范文对照；
2.  wielding of language and complex sentenses;
3.  logics and thoughts
4. grammar

在此申明：分数仅代表个人意见！

谢谢SMM 有时的辛辣点评！

angeikimUID：4857

关于分数实在是仁者见仁智者见智的问题。
就算是ETS给你来个评分也不见得你总是表示你的同意的是吧。
这个评分是蛋蛋的个人意见如果影响到理解或者误解，我先道歉先。:p

其实GRE作文里面也当然考察了你的逻辑思维能力。什么叫做思辩？就是你说的也许不一定正确但是如果你可以非常好的自圆其说那么你说的就是正确的。
然后个人认为这个也是另外一种证明方式吧，从证明自己的正确来反驳SPEAKER的论断。right?

天地无用UID：112318

最初由 angeikim 发表
[B]
其实GRE作文里面也当然考察了你的逻辑思维能力。什么叫做思辩？就是你说的也许不一定正确但是如果你可以非常好的自圆其说那么你说的就是正确的。
然后个人认为这个也是另外一种证明方式吧，从证明自己的正确来反驳SPEAKER的论断。right?
[/B]

Right.