发一篇作文 大家给拍拍 ^_^

toelfUID: 2412686

You have decided to give several hours of your time each month to improve the community where you live. What is one thing you will do to improve your community? Why? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.

According to a recent convey on the society, because of the old are increasing day by day all over the world, it is a serious issue that how to pay attention to the old in the community. Although the government established an amount of policies to help them, as a modern time youth they should do something they can do. Thus, I decided to give several hours each month in an activity room of the old in my community.
First of all, there is a benefit that I can invite a professor come here and teach them some knowledge as regards how to keep fit in the activity room, for instance, the profession explains the art of cooking, and what kings of food cooking together are more healthy, more delicious or more nutritious. Also, if they have any question related to family, daily life and so on, they maybe communicate with professor and find the response to deal with it well.
Another major benefit is that I will show a numbers of common senses regarding First Aid. Because with the growing of age, disease always follows behind the old, for example, headache, heartache, etc. they need First Aid to save by themselves before the ambulance received. So essential learned First Aid that they can give opportunity to themselves. In addition, after comprehend common senses of First Aid, one day they maybe protect someone who is in the emergency, for instance there is somebody who burst heartache fall down on the road, they will understand the step of saving him…
Finally, I will organize some competitions to be affluent in old life that they can make friends each other in the competitions, for example, Chinese chess, poker, and so on. There is preparation for a champion just like gifts or awards, however, the gifts and awards are amazingly surprise, but I believe that they will enjoy the time with friends. Thus, they never be along that everyday just face an ice-cold television and go out to share a wonderful life with their friends.
Although there is a lot of things that we can do for my community each month, as far as I am concerned that the most significant thing is helping the old to have a blessed life in their old age.

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

语法和词汇搭配都好混乱哦~~~

toelfUID: 2412686

:L~~~~~~哪有好文章呢，我去看看~~~

toelfUID: 2412686

谢谢~~~~

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

第一个问题，太喜欢用长句了，句式杂糅，我能明白你的意思，但是rater会给你扣分。

toelfUID: 2412686

哦，还有呢，请不吝赐教~~~:)我这个水平有限...

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

第二，是缺乏正确的语法概念。就好比下面这个句子：So essential learned First Aid that they can give opportunity to themselves.

你给我分析一下句子成分。

还有这一句：it is a serious issue that how to pay attention to the old in the community.

toelfUID: 2412686

第一句是so ...that... 的倒装形式 倒装句

第二句 麻烦你改改 看起来别扭 但是也不知道从那下手~~~

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

第三是词语搭配混乱。好比
how to pay attention to the old in the community. ----->照顾老年人怎么能用pay attention to呢，至少应该用take care of或者care for。

Thus, I decided to give several hours each month----->花时间做某事，固定搭配是(sb.) spend 一段时间 (in) doing sth.；spend 一段时间 on sth.；或者it takes sb. 一段时间 to do sth.

Finally, I will organize some competitions to be affluent in old life that they can make friends each other in the competitions, for example, Chinese chess, poker, and so on. ---->交朋友，搭配是make friends with。

however, the gifts and awards are amazingly surprise---->surprise是动词，不能在are后面作形容词用。

In addition, after comprehend common senses of First Aid---->after是介词，后面跟名词动词动名词，你放个动词原形算怎么回事儿？

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

第四个问题：Chinglish严重。比如
as a modern time youth=作为新时代的年轻人？

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

第五，低级错误多。这里的“低级”指的是完全可以避免，但是由于你的粗心或者别的什么原因还是错了一地的地方。

Because with the growing of age, disease always follows behind the old, for example, headache, heartache, etc. they need First Aid to save by themselves before the ambulance received. ----->别的问题先不论，ambulance后面接的应该是arrived不是received。

Another major benefit is that I will show a numbers of common senses regarding First Aid. ----->number后面不加s。

Thus, they never be along that everyday just face an ice-cold television and go out to share a wonderful life with their friends.---->别的问题先不论，along应该是alone，而且前面要加系动词。

Although there is a lot of things that we can do for my community ---->别告诉我你不知道there be结构的主谓一致原则。

toelfUID: 2412686

我想表达“重视”老人~~~不是照顾，可能用错了...
give several hours 是ETS上题目写的方式 我重复了题目的句子 这样的
and so on 是 等等...  这个没要表示成 “交朋友”
surpise 是错了 少写了个d

这个after 后面 你说的很多 下次写的时候一定注意 ~~~~:)

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

第一句是so ...that... 的倒装形式 倒装句

第二句 麻烦你改改 看起来别扭 但是也不知道从那下手~~~
toelf 发表于 2009-10-10 15:09

1）在“so+形容词…that分句”结构中，如将“so+形容词”置于句首以示强调时，其后的系动词be则要移到主语前面，形成主谓的完全倒装。如:?
　　So moved was she that she could not say a word.?

看明白了咩？

2）我只能提示你，从句作主语。

toelfUID: 2412686

:D真是谢谢啦 其他怎么样呢？ 还有什么硬伤么？

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

我想表达“重视”老人~~~不是照顾，可能用错了...
give several hours 是ETS上题目写的方式 我重复了题目的句子 这样的
and so on 是 等等...  这个没要表示成 “交朋友”
surpise 是错了 少写了个d

这个afte ...
toelf 发表于 2009-10-10 15:20

我是说你的make friends后面少了with~

你连surprised和surprising的区别都不明白？sigh~

surprised的主语是人，surprising主语是物。