argument53求拍！

芊芊QQUID: 2647827

Argument53: Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. The discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when mother’s production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continue into later life.

In the argument, the author cites a survey conducted 13 years ago, involving 25 infants who revealed mild distress when contacted with unfamiliar stimuli. The author also points out that these children are likely to be conceived during a period when mother’s melatonin goes up and would become shy after grow up. Based on these facts, the author comes to the conclusion that shyness during infancy which would maintain into later life is due to increased level of melatonin. However, we can see no reason for the author to make conclusion of this kind.

To begin with, the 25 infants involved in the survey are not representative of people in every quarter of the world. The number of 25 is not large enough for the research to make any sense. It is possible that most of the other infants who were also conceived during autumn are not shy at all. Or perhaps all these 25 selected people suffer from other diseases or miserable experiences which result in their shyness. The above possibilities would serious undermine the reliability of the survey.

In the second place, the fact that most of these infants who show distress and become pretty shy are conceived during their mothers’ melatonin increased does not necessarily indicates that it is melatonin that results in their shyness. The author overlooks many other alternative explanations that would render these infants shy, these alternatives may include: perhaps it is other hormones which also increased in autumn rather than melatonin that caused their shyness, there is also a chance that it is the season or temperature lead to their shyness. Thus, their dispositions may have nothing to do with melatonin at all.

In the third place, these children may not really shy. In the argument, the author just mentions “they identified themselves as shy”, however, thus it is quite possible that other people around them, their teachers, friends, or parents all hold the opposite opinion. As we all know, in most cases people could not accurately justify their own dispositions. Maybe they are quite outgoing. If it is the case, the results of the survey would not be taken seriously.

In addition, the author mixes the meaning of distress with shyness. Actually, these two words totally have separated meanings. People showing distress may not be shy and it goes the same way when turn back.

Finally, even if shyness in these infants is due to melatonin and they children are born with shyness, there is no evidence that the shyness will come along with them in their future life. As we all know, many factors could serve to build a person’s disposition, such as, living conditions, education, friends, parents, majors and so forth. For instance, if these children get enough encourage and care from their teachers and parents, they are likely to turn outgoing. Based on this line of reasoning, whether shyness would continue to their later life depends.

To sum up, providing more evidence that shyness is due to melatonin and it would continue to these children’s future would contribute to make the article more logical. Besides, it would be good for the author to show more details of the research. And the author should think thoroughly and rule out other alternative explanations.

tracywlzUID: 2522388

嗯。我先声明我有快4个月没有碰AW了。所以建议什么你辩证的看待~嗯嗯，加油！

1，However, we can see no reason for the author to make conclusion of this kind.我觉得开头可以直接说明到底是哪些错误，即具体阐述no reason~

2，每一段落的分论点的关联性比较差，比方说第一个论点the above possibilities would serious undermine the reliability of the survey.这里应该总括下从哪些方面undermine了。然后这一段你想说的是survey的样本有问题，你的25人不足，和25人有其他疾病，并没有很全面系统的说明survey的样本有问题。我觉得，你可以这样让步的写，1，25人没有说明背景和范围。2，即使25人是随机而且范围足够大，25人就够了么？总之，我觉得在段落里面的分论点中，也最好把每一个联系起来，不要分开成独立的个体来写。

3，段与段之间的关联性较差。即缺乏衔接。

4，模版化比较严重。感觉你的每段就是指出问题，然后说出能够削弱作者结论的可能性。这两者中间缺少一个分析的过程。即，加入自己的想法，说明为什么作者的推理有问题，那些possibllity只是辅助说明你的为什么，而不是重点。

嗯。语法和选词上我就没详看了。但是读起来感觉还不错。继续努力！

芊芊QQUID: 2647827

一直觉得自己的文章有问题，但是自己有看不出来，今天终于得到高人指点了。感动…… 感激……

芊芊QQUID: 2647827

能再具体说说 段落衔接的问题吗？ 两段之间探讨的问题不一样，如何衔接啊？让步不是什么情况都能用的吧？

tracywlzUID: 2522388

嗯嗯。不好意思。我就快熄灯了。明天我再具体回复你好不~我也在慢慢拾起AW。一起加油！

tracywlzUID: 2522388

开头我就不说了。就具体说下第2，3段。
To begin with, the 25 infants involved in the survey are not representative of people in every quarter of the world. The number of 25 is not large enough for the research to make any sense. It is possible that most of the other infants who were also conceived during autumn are not shy at all. Or perhaps all these 25 selected people suffer from other diseases or miserable experiences which result in their shyness. The above possibilities would serious undermine the reliability of the survey.

In the second place, the fact that most of these infants who show distress and become pretty shy are conceived during their mothers’ melatonin increased does not necessarily indicates that it is melatonin that results in their shyness. The author overlooks many other alternative explanations that would render these infants shy, these alternatives may include: perhaps it is other hormones which also increased in autumn rather than melatonin that caused their shyness, there is also a chance that it is the season or temperature lead to their shyness. Thus, their dispositions may have nothing to do with melatonin at all.

这两段的衔接你就只有一个in the second place。你第一段（此处的，下同）是说25的问题，第二段是说distress & shy不能推出melatonin that results in their shyness.那么第二段的开头是否能够想些办法把25的问题和distress 与 melatonin的问题联系起来？
最开始当然是弄一个让步。即使25的问题可以被解决，但是 distress的问题也不能忽视。这种方法是最基础的。
然后更进一步可以这样，即使25个人的是distress推出melatonin。那可以保证所有的吗？这里就把第一二段串起来了，自己要很清楚条理，否则容易跑题或者2段写混。刚开始的时候我不建议用这种2个错误互相否定的方法。

ps：这些纯属我的个人之见，辩证的看待什么。因为我当时AW的时候也犯了不少错误。然后，强烈推荐看看AW的精华帖。草木的一些，还peter，还追星剑。把这三个看好了。AW思路就会比较清晰了。
加油！

芊芊QQUID: 2647827

谢谢水水，接受建议，我回去再修改修改哈！

tracywlzUID: 2522388

嗯。有什么问题pm我或者qq我就好了~
加油加油